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Sexual Shadow World

10/26/2014

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            I write a lot of things regarding male/female relationships that either doesn’t make sense to people or seems like I don’t know what I’m talking about.   There’s a reason for that.   The reason is one of perspective.   Most people can only relate to things that match their own worldview.   Indeed most people will only seek out information that validates their perspectives.   If something doesn’t validate their perspective they tend to reject the information.   That’s the reason why despite all of the books, seminars, coaches, and bloggers out there it seems like relationships are getting worse and not better.   Most commentators, including professionals, have only seen a part of the picture and not the whole thing.   There were some incidents many years ago that illustrate my point.

            When I first published my books I did a lot of seminars.   I remember two in particular that stand out because of the contrasts between the participants.   The first seminar was with a group of Black professionals.  The organizers of the seminar had read my book, Nice Guys and Players, and had pulled my character types out for role play among the participants.   They were scary spot on acting out the characters of the Nice Guy, Gamesman, and Masked Man.   When they got to Mr. Goodbar the characterization was off.  By miles.   An interesting thing happened.   When the discussion was focused on the first three types the conversation was lively even heated.   When I talked about Mr. Goodbar the place was quiet.  You could literally hear a pin drop.   The concept of a man who had women walk up and drop their panties was alien to most people of the room.  Well, except for the Goodbar in the corner working his magic on a Buppie with the phat ass booty.  He looked at me, gave me a head nod, and went back to work.   Like most things I’ve encountered in life I placed the moment in a mental file cabinet to pull out and think about later.

            The second incident came a few years later.   I was doing a seminar with some true to the game thugs.   These were men convicted of minor crimes and were only sitting down with me because a Judge didn’t leave them any choice in the matter.   An interesting thing happened.  Usually when I discussed my books and ideas with groups the information would be received with disbelief and at times ridiculed because it went against the belief systems of seminar participants.   At times I thought maybe I was the one who was off.   Then I come across a group of real thugs.   An interesting thing happened.   After a little bit of an introduction to my books these men opened up about their experiences and told me the contents of my books.   Not only did they know about Mr. Goodbar they were Mr. Goodbar.   These men were telling me some things that quite frankly a person would be hard-pressed to find a mention of in any form of media.  

            See here’s the thing.   In a previous blog I talked about men and women having two faces, a social face and a sexual face.   The social face is the one everyone sees.   That’s the face with the business suit, going to the kids’ soccer games, and being good neighbor by keeping the grass cut.   Most relationship advice, most discussions about Alpha and Beta Males, most conversations about what women want focus on the social faces.   The sexual faces are something completely different.   Socially, a person has a professional job, is a good parent, and neighbor.   They even go to church regularly.   Sexually that person is a swinger who routinely has sex with strangers.   The sexual face is how a person behaves in sexual manner.   A major problem in relationship discussions is that the focus is on social faces.   The whole Alpha Male thing for example is based on a social face.   The Alpha Male is supposedly the take charge, center of attention man who gets all the hot women.   This of course is based on the assessment of what such a man is doing socially.   The man holding court in a bar is only dominating socially.   There may be a few women feeling his vibe but trust me they may never go home with him.    Many socially dominant men are weak behind closed doors.   So why do I say this?

            I’m one of those people who has encountered a WHOLE lot of people in life.   I personally have been acquainted with many alternative sex workers.   We’re talking about Dominatrixes, and Tantric Massage workers.   I’ve also known phone sex workers, sugar babies, true gold diggers, escorts, and strippers.    These women have told me a lot about their clients.   We’re not talking losers living in their mom’s basements playing video games all day.   The women I talked to told me about encounters with men who were SOCIALLY Alpha Males.   Straight up, a dude living in his mom’s basement couldn’t afford most of these women.    It’s funny as hell to me that a whole subculture of men focuses on being the Alpha Males they see socially without knowing anything about the sexual faces of these men.    Let me share some things about myself to give the reader an idea about why I say the things I say.  

            In my early twenties I was where many men pay thousands of dollars to get.   This was back in the late eighties and early nineties.   I was at the top of that thing called game.   I had zero anxiety approaching women.   To use the street language of the time, I had a “smooth rap.”  On top of that my fashion and grooming game was A-1.  I also had the status of being of Black man with a degree who was pursuing a post graduate degree.   The only real weakness in my game was my weight.   Though I’m a natural mesomorph, if I don’t work out consistently I would gain weight.   The good thing about me gaining weight is that my body tends to gain evenly and not just in one area such as my stomach.   Even though I had extra weight on I carried it very well.   At most my weight gave me an average physical appearance which I was able to compensate for by having a smooth rap and wicked fashion game, especially with my shoes.  

            With my game at the time I was able to date and have sex with some very attractive and shapely women.   Now I had still had to put in some work to woo the women.   Nobody was sleeping with me on the first date, maybe fourth or fifth date.   Of course there were some rejections.  Also I did hear the words, “Let’s just be friends.”   There were plenty of women in what I call the “Not Sure Zone.”   Women in that zone will have a little sexual attraction for a man but not enough to simply drop her panties.   A man has to work for a woman in that zone.  Sometimes he succeeds, sometimes he don’t.   Where I was at the time I thought I was at the top of the game.   I was getting a LOT of play from attractive women primarily in the six to eight range.   Even a few Nines and Tens showed some interest.   Then around 1991 I entered the Sexual Shadow World and had my mind blown.

            I had started running in the spring of 1990 because a Nine didn’t want to have sex with me because of my weight.   I was weighing about 230 and quite frankly getting a little sloppy.   During that summer my weight came down to about 215 and to be honest I didn’t think anything of it.   I was getting pretty much the same play I was getting before from women in the six to eight range.   Then some interesting things happened to take everything to a different level.

            The first was that I was in the application process for a certain prominent federal law enforcement agency.   I had passed the panel interviews and now had to prepare to pass a physical fitness test.   I was required to do a certain number of pushups, sit-ups, and to be able to run 2 miles under 16 minutes.   So instead of jogging I had to start running.   I had to train more intensely.  So starting in the winter of 1990 until the summer of 1991 I dropped even more weight.   I went down to 190 pounds of lean muscle mass.  I passed the test with flying colors.  I was walking around at my optimal physique as the sit-ups had developed my abs and the pushups had developed my arms and chest.   Women started going crazy over my body to the point where I would ROUTINELY get approached on the street.   Even had some young girls yell out their car windows while I was walking on the street.   So I had a body that was attracting women to me.   That was one part of the equation.   The second part came from some unique individuals. 

            In the summer of 1991 I encountered some sex workers.   For legal reasons I can’t get into the particulars but during that summer I learned a lot about the inner sexual nature of women.   It was some things not discussed in public and still isn’t.   On the internet now there are some men who called themselves “Red Pill” because they think they know the sexual nature of women.   They don’t and they’re deluded.   They’ve barely scratched the surface.  They don’t live in the Sexual Shadow World.    Even some men who get a lot of sex don’t live in the Sexual Shadow World.   But I digress.

            These sex workers gave me a real education.   I already knew a lot from women I had been around as a child but these women took me to a new level.   There were also one older man who gave me some insight.   One of the reasons I don’t hold what is taught as game on the internet in high regard is because of that man.   I’ll call the man James.   James was an older Jamaican who had a scary insight into how people behaved psychologically.   He could look at someone and tell you what’s going on with them.   He would mess with people’s heads just to pass the time.   He was especially adept at fucking or as he said “getting some punanny.”   He was talking about setting up a 900 line which was popular back then to tell men how to bring a woman to orgasm.   He was actually the first man I had met who was talking about satisfying women sexually.  Most men fail because they don’t look like they can or even care about getting a woman to orgasm.  

            The combination of the sex workers and James took me into the Sexual Shadow World.   In that world Mr. Goodbar is the Alpha Male.   Yet in the social world the same man may be a minimum wage worker or shy in a crowd.    In the Sexual Shadow World the men at the top of the pyramid are not the tall good looking men with status or game.   Physical appearance is important, indeed of supreme importance but not in the classic way that is important in the social world.   First of all a man’s face doesn’t matter as much.   In the Sexual Shadow World a good looking face is a bonus but not a necessity.   If one takes an honest look at the SEXUALLY attractive people they are rarely very physically attractive in the face.   There are exceptions but in general SEXUALLY attractive people have average faces.   Don’t believe me?  Take a real good look at the men and women who turn on people sexually.   All they have in common are great bodies.   Many are buttafaces.   A good looking face is more important for in the social world.   When it comes down to sex, a man just needs a hot body, a decent size dick, and some fair sexual skills.  

            In this case physical appearance is more about the body, the print, and how the man moves which gives the woman a clue about how he would be in bed.   See most of what’s in the media is focused on what women want socially.   The key to a woman is what type of man she lusts for.   A woman may publically say she wants a man who’s tall, with a good looking face, with status and a decent body.    Many women when presented with what they say they want may still reject the man.   The reason is that they don’t lust the man.  Indeed when many women say they love a man they are really saying they lust him.   Socially a woman may want that classic good looking man who seems dominant.   Sexually she wants that rough looking man with hard body and big dick who would pound her pussy like it stole something. 

            A key component to the Nice Guys and Players Philosophy is to be a man who can satisfy a woman’s social needs AND her sexual needs.   Despite the talk about there being a shortage of men many women who are even reasonably attractive have two men in their lives.   The first man is the socially acceptable boyfriend or husband.   The first man takes her out, spends money on her, and provides emotional support.   He is acceptable to her friends and family.  In many cases he is considered an Alpha Male.   The second man is one nobody knows about.   His only purpose is to satisfy her lust.   He might not be classically handsome, he may be broke, and truth be told not even have what is commonly considered game.   He can fuck though. Well.

            Now I’m not talking about theory here.   During the period I lived in the Sexual Shadow World I would say the OVERWELMING majority of women I dealt with had boyfriends.   As far as I know I didn’t mess with any women with husbands.  I say as far as I know because women lie more than men.  I did know some men who didn’t have a problem with fucking another man’s wife.  I seriously consider women hypocrites when they talk about cheating men.   When women are in lust they don’t give a fuck.  A woman will fuck her best friend and sister’s husbands in a threesome if she lusts them.   They will find a rationalization to satisfy their lust.   It wasn’t certain trashy women either cheating either.  It was something that crossed class lines and even subculture.   I’ve dealt with church girls, nerd girls, and princesses who cheated on their men.  Those goody-goody girls can be the worse.  The Sexual Shadow World is where that perfect Ten will do the freaky-freaky while tied up.  

            Here’s the thing.   Many men reject what I tell them because it goes against CONVENTIONAL wisdom.   There are men out there who think if they just get some plastic surgery all of a sudden they’ll get hot woman.   There are men who think if they behave in a dominant manner the women will drop their panties.   There are men learning game in their attempts to get hot women or any women.   The only thing a man needs to do is develop himself to the point where a woman will LOOK at him and say to herself, “he can get it.”   At the point the man needs to be present enough to pick up on her SEXUAL desire.  He then needs to be smart enough not to say something stupid and give what one beautiful woman once said, “Instant dryness.”

            The only game is lust.   If a man wants more and better women he needs to develop his overall physical appearance so that it generates lust.   The man also has KNOW that women want sex as much as men.  Indeed the truth is the more sexually attractive a woman is the more they will choose a man based on pure lust.  

            I just gave y’all some raw game.  I wonder who will pick up on it.   Hit up me here.

            Peace!

 

 

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Power and a Love of Women

10/19/2014

3 Comments

 
The following pieces are from my unpublished manuscript "Being Mr. Goodbar."  

Power
   
        
  One evening I contemplated the intricacies of my existence.  I thought about a beautiful spring day and my moment of clarity as I sat in meditation. 

          It was Monday morning.  I prepared for another sojourn into the land of make-believe which others call a regular workweek.  I saw the same people who were into naughty lifestyles on the weekends put on business suits in a façade of respectability.  I prepared to dive into this sea of smoke and mirrors.

          It started at the bus stop as women young and old, of all races, sent streamers of energy my way to feel me out.  Their faces were impassive masks as they stared into space or into reading material.  Their body language communicated their interest.  A couple I considered rewarding with my favor.  In retrospect I did so on numerous occasions as the outdoor bus stand served a better purpose than a popular nightclub.

          I felt the same energy when I got on the bus as the lady driver said hi to me and told me the fare was on her.  Having a way with the ladies had its economic benefits.

          The bus dropped me off as I thanked the driver and she said, “You’re welcome,” in a seductive tone.  It was both flattering and annoying.  Sometimes I wished they didn’t look at me like that.  I wanted to chill sometimes.

          I walked several blocks to my job.  My path took me through a small park where many squirrels moved about.  I stopped for a minute to observe their play.  Relaxation for me was sitting in a park with a breeze blowing and birds singing.  My senses were tuned to everything from the tiniest ant to the swaying of the largest tree.  It took me out of the rhythm of my life and into the rhythm of the Infinite.

           I returned to the park that evening after work and took a seat on a park bench.  I reflected on my life.  My mind drifted to the numerous encounters I had with women up to that point.  I thought of every single one that was in my consciousness from adolescent crushes to heart-tearing rejections to platonic friendships to torrid affairs.  A lifetime of memories compressed to a few moments on a park bench.  I thought about who I was and who I had become.  I reflected on my place in the sexual hierarchy.  It was then in a flash I thought about power.  I had power in a sexual jungle.  Very few people sat where I sat.  Most people are not with their heart’s desire, settling instead for someone acceptable to family and friends.  I’ve seen women settle for men who could not stoke their carnal fires but had the qualification of a good job and respectable appearance.  A woman who felt that her wish for the love of Mr. Goodbar was a child’s fantasy and it was time for her to grow up as her biological clock begins to tick louder.  I’ve seen men who lacked sexual magnetism and had meager financial resources settle for women of mild attractiveness and mean dispositions.  Women who were angry at Mr. Goodbar’s rejection and took it out on those unfortunate men who were only guilty of wanting to be in a loving relationship.

           My lot in life was different.  I had the power of choice.  Zero tolerance was my policy.  I didn’t have to put up with anything.  If one woman chose to play a game I simply kicked her to the curb as the waiting list for my affections grew by the week.  If I didn’t like a comment or maybe that dress didn’t hang quite right I simply moved her to the bottom of the rotation. 

           It was a powerful feeling.  As Mr. Goodbar I had my choice of women.  I was like a rich kid in a candy store.  Was I feeling the prim and proper sista who just moved into the building? Maybe for a bit.  Bourgeois mores drove me up a wall.  She has nice legs though.  I can put up with her for a minute as I find the woman below the mask to be quite imaginative.

          The sista at the coffee shop has a little something.  Her unpolished ways could help me pass an evening or two.  Nah, she has too many stars in her eyes.  Plus I wasn’t feeling her neighborhood and quite frankly didn’t want her to know where I lived.

           Maybe I’ll kick it with the Korean girl who gives me a discount at her deli.  Where else could I get a $10.00 meal for $1.50?

          The young cleaning woman from El Salvador is a possibility.  She saved her prettiest smile for me.  Too bad I didn’t speak Spanish.  Still, some things were understood beyond verbal communication.

           Who I was gave me a great power.  I had the power to make the best choice of who I would spend time with.  I would never have to settle for anything.

A Love of Women

            At times I read the books and studies of those who are supposedly examining the actions of my Brethren and I.  Invariably, in so many words, someone will imply, or some cases blatantly state, that my Brethren have a hatred of women.  A lover of many women is considered a hater of women?  A paradox.  A contradiction.  A postulation of someone jealous of Mr. Goodbar, projecting his own misogynistic tendencies onto those whose insight into the female nature is far superior to theirs.

            One thing should be made clear: Mr. Goodbar loves the ladies.  To say otherwise is to question the intelligence of women.  Women are not stupid.  In many areas they run circles around a man in terms of mental agility.  Only a woman of low self-esteem would get involved with a man who has a subliminal dislike for women.  No one can hide their true feelings for long as their facial expressions and their body language signals their intent more strongly than the sweetest sounding words and expensive gifts.  Women feel Mr. Goodbar not simply because of his firm body and sensual touch.  They feel the love he has for the female gender.

             In my travels I’ve come to realize that many men don’t attract women simply because they don’t like them.  They pretend to be chivalrous and gallant but in reality women are nothing more than objects in their minds, to be discarded once their usefulness is over.  Even some of my less-evolved Brethren can harbor these feelings.

             Speaking for myself I love women.  I think one of the biggest reasons I get the attention I do is not my almond eyes or protruding chest but my attitude that says, “I love being in your presence.”  For all the sexual encounters I had, there were times I was content to be in the company of women as I felt their peaceful feminine energy calming the fire burning within me.

             I had an acquaintance I would see in the neighborhood and downtown occasionally.  Physically she was a work of art with dark-chocolate skin and a slim but curvy body that moved with a hypnotic sway.  As outwardly enticing as she was, her true beauty came from within, as her temperament was as calming as a light shower on a hot summer day.  Sometimes I would see her as I had a look of tension on my face from a challenging project.  She would grab my hand and say, “Baby it’ll be all right.”  My weight would lessen at that moment and I’d feel like I could take on the world.   She was special because despite her beauty and charm I never thought about her in an intimately sexual manner.  Her devotion for her man was always on her face and in her words.  I wanted to meet him to shake his hand because he had to have it going to have earned this woman’s love.

           Too many men only want to deal with women for sex and nothing else.  Even during the times I only dealt with women for sex I always had a few woman just to talk to for mental stimulation and the calming effect of feminine energy.  Sex is only one piece of the mosaic.  An important piece but still only one.  I could chill out around women and that all I needed for pleasure.     

 
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Unrealistic Romantic Expectations

10/12/2014

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            So I’m bopping along in a Barnes and Noble with my sons doing what we usually do, looking at books and magazines.   We had already been to the local comic book store where I didn’t see anything I wanted.   As an aside for those who don’t know I’m a big comic book fan.  Too bad there isn’t much out there that catches my attention.   That’s another blog in a separate section of my website.   Anyway while I’m walking around I pause a little bit in the romance section and just shake my head when I look at the different books, particularly the ones with BDSM themes.   A certain series of books about a psychotic billionaire and an awkward girl really started some stuff.   As I was looking at the books I thought about some texts I got from my friend “Roger” that morning.

              I first talked about Roger (not his real name) in my “Do The Work” blog entry from a while ago.   Anyway knowing him he was just finishing his morning workout after a night of doing the Lord’s Work with a now blissed out woman.   For those who don’t know the term “Lord’s Work” is a code term  we use in our circle for taking a woman to a higher level of sexual bliss so that she sees Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Shiva, Ausar, Galactus, the Great Pumpkin, or whatever deity she  chooses to worship.  Seriously though, sacred sexuality is indeed a spiritual path for some.   Now I might have to do a book on that.   

            Anyways, Roger texted me asking if I ever watched a show called Four Weddings where women judge each other weddings and the winner gets some type of grand prize.   His point was how these shows get women into some type of fantasy land.   He wrote, “What’s really telling is listening to the ‘grown’ women, they sound like a 13 year old.”   The texts back and forth made me think of the whole issue of romantic illusions and how they affect relationships.   I touched on the issue in my blog “The Reality of Chasing Mr. Goodbar.”   I need to get deeper into this issue because the reality is that women and quite frankly many men as well are chasing romantic fantasies and are missing out of fulfilling relationships.   

            With women it’s more obvious.  Many women are chasing Mr. Goodbar or the Masked Man.  Really what they are doing is chasing that perfect man.   They are chasing men that match a romantic ideal   Mr. Goodbar comes closest to it naturally.   They will have the looks, charisma, and are challenging enough to  turn women on.   The heroes in the romance novels are typically Alpha Males or Bad Boys where the big deal is a woman getting one of these men to fall for them.  In real life women are the real hunters.  Their game though is to draw men to them.   Romance novels play on that subliminal desire.   Only thing in real life, true Alpha Males are “my way or the highway” type of guys who will only deal with a woman on their terms or not at all.   Any successful relationship will require some type of compromise on the part of both parties.   In real life Bad Boys are just that: bad.   It may make a nice novel or romantic movie where a Bad Boy shows his sensitive side to the heroine and at the end declares his undying love.  The reality is that the Bad Boy will likely leave the woman scarred for life.  

            The media is screwing up a lot of women’s heads.  There are women out here rejecting decent men who love and support them for no other reason than he didn’t bring them a certain type of flower or the box of chocolates wasn’t big enough.   Many women will throw the baby out with the bath water.   Then they’ll get with the player who does all the romantic things but then when it’s time for the player to stand up and be a man such as when there is a family emergency and the woman needs real support, the player disappears.  Another scenario is when the woman marries the romantic man then discovers she is dealing with a little boy.   She didn’t gain a husband she got a son.  

            These issues are going to continue for the simple reason that the romantic illusions form a major part of the economy.   There is a lot of money to be made.   Straight up I’ve thought about learning how to write a romance novel because that’s a big industry.   There are mediocre writers from a technical point view who have become millionaires from writing romance.   Don’t get me started on the movie industry.   I’ll use one example from the movies, Tyler Perry.  Now a lot of people focus on the Medea character which in my view isn’t the main appeal of his movies.   Nor is it the Christian themes.   The main appeal of a Tyler Perry movie is that you will have a woman that made some unfortunate choices in life have a light-skinned blue collar pretty boy fall in love with her and he is willing to go through some crap to get with her even to the point of saving her from the evil chocolate professional brotha. (See Note)  

            Now I can’t let the men off the hook.   Even though women with romantic illusions is obvious to any thinking human being, the reality is that many men suffer from the same issue.  As far as I know there aren’t any romance novels that caters to a men’s desire but there are many examples in the media of average men with hot wives going back to the Honeymooners.   Alice was fine.  How she end up with Ralph Kramden?   That’s a very common theme in television and movies.   You have the ugly or out of shape man with the hot sexy wife.   Just like women are influenced by romantic literature and movies, men have been influenced for generations by this imagery.    To the point that it can be very traumatic for a man to truly realize that yes looks MATTER to a woman.   Now a woman can get past looks depending on what else the man is bringing to the table but unless that man has some serious sexual skills that he manages to communicate to the woman, in most cases the average woman will reject a man just on looks.   Even in cases where the man is spending money on her she will try to limit physical contact.   The women who choose money over looks are usually sugar babies.   Even a sugar baby will sleep with a man for free if he is good looking to her.  Ask me how I know.

            One community that takes advantage of men’s romantic illusions is the PUA Community which quite frankly is more of an industry led by many men and some women who have a general message of telling average to ugly men that with the proper training they too can seduce the extremely beautiful and sexy women.   I will give the industry props for helping men to develop social skills which are needed.   There are some realities that are not dealt with though.  Too many men, regardless of how they look, think that some words and actions will cause a woman to feel attraction for them.   Then when they fail they are ready to blame the instructors calling them scam artists or the women for being flaky with issues.   The women just aren’t attracted to them physically and all the words, money, and status is not going to change that.   Let me share the REAL reason why many of these men fail with women.

            Often when men go to clubs or walking down the street they will see these hot, sexy women.   They approach them with lines or their wallets out trying to impress these women.  They fail miserably unless they run into a sugar baby.   See the men are only seeing the surface of these women.   They are seeing the woman wearing that short dress with the perky breasts, flat stomach, “dat ass,” and toned legs.   What many of these men don’t see is what the women did to get those tight bodies.   These women with these tight bodies usually spend hours in the gym.   Very, very FEW women can maintain a tight body without working out or engaging in a physical activity.   Indeed in talking with some very hot women over the years I would find out they were jocks in high school.   If not jocks they had been into dance which requires the same discipline as any sport.   These women DID THE WORK for their bodies.   Let me share something.

            The gym I go to has a lot of hot young women who are either jocks or cheerleaders.   My workout is about an hour or two.   There are many young women who have already worked out a good sweat by the time I get there and even when I finish a long workout they are still pushing.   They don’t play either.  The gym I go to has Smith Machines that are used for bench pressing and squats.   When I go to the gym young women will be lined up to do squats on the Smith Machine.   One petite young girl was ready to cut me when I was about to jump on the machine to do bench presses and she wasn’t finished doing squats.  I kid you not.  

            So these women are pushing their bodies to be as fit as possible.   Why would they be turned on by a man who doesn’t put in the same effort to stay in shape?   One thing the Alphas and the Bad Boys will have is above average body builds.

              GAME!

            Back on the main topic, men and women need to start dealing with reality.   I know a young lady who broke this down for me.   By her own admission she is a six.   She’s a real cool Plain Jane who has no problem with men even very attractive ones.   I asked her secret and she said, “Rom, I’m easy and I bring the beer.”   She has no romantic notions about men.   Many women though are in their forties and fifties still looking for a man to sweep them off their feet.   I’m reminded of a passage in The Autobiography of Malcolm X:

            All of that Hollywood stuff!  Like these women wanting men to pick them up and carry them across thresholds and some of them weigh more than you do.  I don’t know how many marriage breakups are caused by these movie and television-addicted women expecting some bouquets and kissing and hugging and being swept out like Cinderella for dinner and dancing – then getting mad when a poor, scraggly husband comes in tired and sweaty from working like a dog all day, looking for some food.

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            Women are passing up decent men because they are not the most romantic but want these same men when the rest of life is kicking their ass.  

            Men are passing up decent women because regardless of what they look like they feel because they make a little bit more money than the average man they should have the top tier women.   Then want to know what happened when that sugar baby has emptied half their back account.

            Let me end with this observation.   The happiest couples I have seen in my life are not extremely beautiful.   Even when I have seen two beautiful people together they don’t always look happy.   Some of the happiest couples I’ve seen are physically homely and out of shape.   Thing is they are homely and out of shape with each other.   Even when the happy couples weren’t homely they shared the same subculture.  One time I was doing a seminar and there was a Goth couple there and my seminar was on finding the right mate.   To get deeper a person’s right mate will generally be the person they would be if they were born the opposite sex.   For example, a macho, assertive man as a woman would be submissive and alluring.   When I said that everybody looked at the Goth couple and started smiling.   The Goths themselves gave me that head nod that told me they agreed with me.   See many people are just realistic about who they are and who they can attract and they are good with it.   They don't have unrealistic romantic expectations.

Note


       A big issue particularly in  Black relationships and also in any non-white racial and ethnic group is that of colorism.   The issues facing chocolate complexioned Black women have been well discussed such as in the documentary Dark Girls.    What is not as addressed is that many of  the men Black women will classify as Mr. Goodbar will tend to be light complexioned with less coarse hair, "good hair."   A popular archetype in urban communities is a light complexioned pretty boy with tattoos and long hair either in a bushy pony tail or braided.     Though some more chocolate celebrities are promoted as ideal (Idris Elba or Denzel Washington) the reality is that the light skin player has never really gone out of style.   Like many things it hasn't been talked about publically because of an atmosphere of political correctness.   Young players know what works though.   The issue of colorism is something beyond the scope of this blog which in the final analysis is simply the viewpoints of this writer.   Something of this scale requires a more academic approach  complete with field studies, Ph.D. level research, and numerous footnotes.   Though I am academically qualified to do such a project it's not something that I can give the proper time and attention that it deserves.
   

   

              

   

   

 
2 Comments

What about the Responsible Men?

10/5/2014

1 Comment

 
            So I watched Iyanla Vanzant’s “Fix My Life” on DVR early this morning.  I’m an early riser and I wanted to get it in before my sons got up and hijacked the remote.   The show featured the man that has social media abuzz, Jay Williams.   For those living under a rock or just don’t care, Jay Williams is a man who fathered 34 kids with 17 women.   Iyanla did a whole series of shows on him.   Somewhere I guarantee there’s at least one producer thinking about doing a reality show about this man but I digress.   Anyway the show featured not only Mr. Williams but several other men who had fathered multiple children by multiple women.  

            I had mixed feelings about the show.   I was getting hot at first because it seemed like everything was being put on the men.   See I have a problem when women complain about deadbeat men who have children with multiple women.   Indeed some will have a child with a man, know he isn’t taking care of his other children, and then have two more kids with him.   Then other women will come along, know the man has multiple kids, maybe even know the baby mamas, and STILL have a child with the man.    My issue was that women don’t take responsibility for their own actions.

            To Iyanla’s credit she later put some responsibility on the women as well.   There was a point where one of the men was confronting his mother about how she emotionally abused him as a child and how that contributed to his behavior.   It was good to see that because in looking at these issues we have to look at the entire picture.   Virtually every womanizer I have known in my life had either a jacked up relationship with his mother OR a vicious rejection by some woman when he was young.   Too much is put on the men when it’s really a vicious cycle and the only way to break the cycle is to stop pointing fingers at each other and work together for a better future.   

            Talking about men creating children with multiple women isn’t the focus of this particular blog though.  When I look at any issue I look it at from several angles.   I used to work as a criminal investigator and then briefly as an editor for a political website where I did a little investigative journalism.   Academically I’m very well trained in doing research.   One of the things as a true to the game investigator/researcher is that I see what is on the surface but also what is hidden.   To use a principle from The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, “Perceive those things which cannot be seen.”

            What I saw on the show was a bunch of Mr. Goodbars and a bunch of women who wanted these men to be good fathers.   An issue with that is the ability to be a good father might not have been in the psychological makeup of these men to begin with.    Too many women think having a man’s child will all of sudden make him grow up.   As many women find out after many tears and counseling later is these men really have little to no incentive to do better.   Iyanla, bless her, might be able to talk to a few men on her show and they MAY change their lives but there are thousands of men out there with the same issues who quite frankly will keep doing their part to insure their genetic lineage.

            Let me address the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to talk about in ANY of these relationship discussions ESPECIALLY those that occur in the context of Black male/female relationships.   Let’s be honest, though race wasn’t brought up in the discussion I only SAW Black men on the stage.   The issue no one wants to talk about is how come these people who are getting upset at these genetic alpha males are not asking one basic question:   Why not simply have children with the men who WILL be responsible parents?  

            Stop and think about that.

            In my coaching practice and in life in general I have encountered hundreds of men, specifically Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and WANT to have a family.  Men who WANT to have children and be there for them.   Some of these men will even step in to help raise the children of many of these deadbeat sperm donors if given the chance.   Women are passing over these men every day in their mad rush to spread their legs for Mr. Goodbar.   Then when these women are stuck with the responsibility of actually raising a child on their own they blame Mr. Goodbar for not being a responsible parent.   

            Let me share a reality that people may or may not see.   If they do see it they don’t talk about it.   All people have a dual sexual nature.   There is the obvious carnal sexual nature which is pure lust.   It’s the drive to connect with someone because of their physical attributes.   It’s the woman being attracted to a man because of his height, body build, square jaw, and yes dick size.   It’s the man being attracted to a woman’s big breasts and phat ass.   The carnal drive doesn’t care about a person’s character, profession, social class, political leanings, or religious beliefs.   This is pure attraction.   There is a second sexual drive that’s based more on mental and emotional compatibility.   This drive is more influenced by social factors such as culture, and personal beliefs.   

            The average man will look for a woman that satisfies both of his sex drives.   He will openly look for a woman that turns him on physically but one that also fits his social criteria.   Women, on the other hand don’t have the same freedom.   They are encouraged to find men who fit their social criteria but western culture as it is now tries to suppress a woman’s carnal desires.   Women will still go for what they want physically but not in the same way as men.    This is where the problem comes in.

            A woman will meet Mr. Goodbar.   She’s turned on sexually.  Her vagina is buzzing.   Mr. Goodbar is making the woman smile and feel good.   He’s fun to be with.   Mr. Goodbar probably doesn’t match her social criteria but that’s okay as long as the orgasms keep coming.   So the woman is having her good time but three things generally happen.   One, a woman will recognize the temporary nature of the relationship with Goodbar and simply move on to something more serious.   These are the more sensible women.   Two, the woman will marry the Goodbar and then realize that socially they are incompatible.   Three, they will have a baby and the reality that Goodbar is a deadbeat will become apparent.   The last two things is where the problems come up.

            Many women have a delusion that this man who they are having sex with because he is so fine, and so much fun, will all of a sudden become responsible with marriage or a baby.   Most of the time it will not happen.   Too many women make decisions based on the romantic tales playing out in their minds.   They knew Mr. Goodbar was a reckless pretty boy with a big dick when they got with him.  That was part of his appeal.   Now it’s time to get serious and that fine man-child with the nice stroke isn’t following the script.   Then the women go on a national TV show and try to shame and cajole the man-child into growing up and being a responsible man.  I call bullshit on all that.

            If a woman really wanted a responsible man she should mate with that type of man to begin with.   The responsible men already have the skillset to be good husbands, providers, and parents.   There are millions of men and let’s be specific, Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and family orientated.   The women are getting outraged over a FEW men who have multiple children by multiple women.  What about the responsible ones?   To me the bigger issue, especially in the Black community, should be why are so many responsible Black men are single AND childless?   I would love to see somebody’s national show deal with this issue.   I already know what the real deal is though.   Another one of those big-ass elephants in the room.  

            When I was watching Iyanla this morning, and saw the fathers my first thought was, “oh a Goodbar convention.”   Other than when I was working a gym where a bunch of male strippers used to work out,  it’s rare I see that many Mr. Goodbars in the same place.   Somebody has to say it.   The only reason that a man is going to be able have multiple children by multiple women is because he is able to appeal to the carnal nature of these women.   In most cases he is PHYSICALLY appealing to these women.   Objectively speaking, the men on stage were physically attractive to multiple women.  

            See I’ve had conversations with literally thousands of women about their preferences in men.   Publically women will talk about the social criteria they want in men which typically responsible men fulfill.   Now the responsible men are barely getting attention.   The reason is that in the eyes of many women these men are not physically attractive.   Now I’ve gone on record as saying a man with sex appeal can trump a man with good looks.   The thing is that only a very tiny percentage of men have that type of ethereal sex appeal.   The sex appeal of most men is based on their physical appearance be it handsome face, height, or muscular body.  They have to at least look good to a particular woman.  

            This is the conversation we need to really have.   Too many women want that good-looking man whose smile they want for their sons to be a responsible parent.   It might not happen.   The women then run to the men who are not as attractive to raise their pretty children and many men are RIGHTFULLY not trying to sign up for that.   Now some women may feel like they only want to deal with Mr. Goodbar.  Okay.   Just don’t get mad because sixteen other women want to have a baby with with the same man.  

            If we really want to solve the relationship issues, especially in the Black community, we HAVE to address the issue of the large number of single responsible men.  

            That dialogue is long overdue.

 

           

1 Comment

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