The following is an excerpt from my latest book, "A Player's Eyes."
When I was seven years old my uncle came by the house to take me to church. My uncle was the coolest, smoothest dude I knew in my brief life up to that point. He was a police detective who rolled like Shaft and looked like Billy Dee Williams. Denzel Washington’s character, Alonzo Harris, from the movie Training Day had nothing on my uncle. So when he got to the house he looked at me and was visibly disappointed. My hair wasn’t combed. Before we left he made sure my hair was right and then we left for church. In the car he let me have it. He actually raised his voice to me. He talked about the importance of looking good. He then asked if I had a girlfriend. I told him no. I’m thinking to myself that I’m seven, what I need with a girlfriend. He told me if I had a girlfriend she would break up with me for looking so raggedy. That was one of my earliest lessons in the game of boy gets girl. The lesson was that looks matter to women.
In the popular culture and indeed in conventional beliefs there is the notion that looks don’t matter to women as much as they do with men. Even when women do say that looks matter they will put it low on the list of priorities of what they want in a man. I’m throwing a flag on that. Fifteen yard penalty for unsportsmanlike bullshit. The reality is that not only do looks matter but they matter more to women than they do to men. This is especially true in sexual matters. When women look for long term partners such as boyfriends and husbands they will look at personality compatibility, social class, money, religious affiliation, political views, education level, and even something as trivial as music tastes. The trick though is that they look for these things in men they find PHYSICALLY attractive. When women say that there is a shortage of “good men” what they really mean is that there is a shortage of “good LOOKING men.”
The looks women want in a man isn’t just about aesthetics. It’s about how a woman’s body reacts to the physical nature of a particular man. Women already know what I’m talking about. For the man reading this think about it like this. How often has your dick got hard from seeing a woman with big breasts? Or a nice juicy phat ass? Or long shapely legs? Women are the exact same way. I’ve seen women go into trances because they saw a man with a big chest and big arms. Some women lose their mind if they see the calves on a man. Many women struggle to keep their composure if they see a man’s dick print and it looks like he is packing. Let me give some game here and not that bullshit that passes as game on the Internet being taught by men who can count the number of women they’ve had sex with on one hand. A woman can have an orgasm just from LOOKING at a man.
I had a friend years ago. She was what is known in urban communities as a freak. The more general term now would be “thot,” – “that hoe over there” for those not hip to contemporary slang. Yeah whatever. To me she was a sexually open woman with whom I engaged in phone sex with every now and then because she lived in another state. We would talk with each other in general about our sexual experiences. I remember we were talking one evening and she described a man she saw at a gas station. She said, “Rom this man’s aura was so strong that when I saw him I had to sit down on the curb.” Just from looking at this man she reacted as if she just had some good dick. Keep in mind that this man didn’t say one word to her. He might not have noticed her. Many women do this. They will see a man and something in them will shift. Over the years I’ve seen women stop in their tracks when they saw certain men. Reportedly if a woman’s pupils dilate, her cervix will contract. The contraction of the cervix is one type of orgasm a woman can have. Are you making the connection?
When a woman looks at a man she looks for sexual worthiness. Many women will publically admit that they know within a few seconds of meeting a man whether or not they will have sex with him. They will put him into a Select or Non-Select category. If she puts him into the Select category she will give him a chance to seduce her. At that point the man needs to avoid saying or doing anything stupid. If she puts him into the Non-Select category there is nothing he can do to seduce her. Even in those rare cases where a Non-Select man manages to get the girl so to speak he will find that she will treat him in an inferior way. Sex gets rationed and she will likely cheat as soon as a buffed pretty boy decides to return her texts.
Now when I say sexual worthiness a woman is looking at a man’s body build, his face to see if he is kissable, and even how he moves. To put it in the terms of a young woman I knew back in the day, “Is he fuckable?” Many men approach a woman thinking that if they say the right combination of words, make her laugh, or in some cases put her down they can seduce her. Sorry Charlie, that woman made her decision within five seconds of seeing you. If she talks to you anyway it’s more for her entertainment, and the number you just got may be fake, and if it’s real she’ll ignore your texts.
I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Some men are still going to be in denial of what I just wrote. Even some sexually repressed women. I’ll get to the men in second. I’ve made an observation about women who say looks don’t matter. If they are not outright lying they are sexually repressed and honestly believe what they are saying. I’ve noticed one thing in talking with these women over the years. Well let me back up a bit. My smooth uncle taught me a lot about how to get information out of people. When he talked to crime suspects they would confess to crimes that he didn’t arrest them for. He would catch them for one thing and they would tell him about fifteen more crimes. His secret was that he would get them so comfortable they would become chatterboxes. I watched him growing up as he dealt with people so I learned the same skills. As an aside, old school players didn’t give seminars or have online videos. The only way to learn from them was if they let you hang around them. They rarely told you anything directly. With the sexually repressed women I would get them so comfortable around me they would tell me some interesting things. For them looks definitely mattered but the more repressed a woman is the more perfect a man has to be to turn her on sexually. Indeed one will find with these women that they tend not to have boyfriends or even a good maintenance man. They will tend to have a lot of males as platonic friends. Are you going to tell me that at least one of these men doesn’t have the personality characteristics she says are important? Think on this.
Men are in denial because of one major thing. The average man knows he is just that, average. A man can look in the mirror and can see he isn’t the tallest man, or the most muscular. The average man knows he isn’t going to make money with his face. Over the centuries men would focus on what they could control which was their ability to provide for a woman, their ability to protect a woman, and their ability to talk to a woman. What developed was the false belief that a man’s physical appearance wasn’t as important. It was always important to a woman but it was also important that she had food in her stomach. Women had to attach themselves to the man most willing to take care of them. What’s changed is that women don’t need a man to survive anymore. They can get their own money now and pay for what’s needed for survival. Women still need good dick though. Take away the “protect and provide” angle and the fuckable aspect of a man becomes more prominent. What has happened is that women are free to go after men based on nothing else but pure lust. Many men are still stuck in that 1950’s paradigm. Feminism and the sexual revolution took care of that. Now there are still women who look for a man to protect and provide for them but they are looking for him in buffed package.
Some men are reading this and are still going to be in denial. They will say something to the effect of money and being able to talk to women with “good game” as being more important than looks. They are still important, but they are secondary concerns. Some women don’t even care about those things. There are plenty of kept men out there. I’ve known a few such men in my day. The women will work on some high paying job and the role of the man was simply to stay looking good and fuck the woman’s brains out when she got home. That’s just the underground shit. The maintenance man game is a street hustle not talked about on the Internet and in most relationship forums and seminars. The most public equivalent are male escorts who advertise on the Internet. Knowing an actual street gigolo is roughly the equivalent of knowing real hitman. Yeah it’s that deep. That may be another book. Just to let you know that I’m not talking out the side of my neck about a woman’s sexual nature being more visual I’m going to provide a few real life examples which anyone of reasonable intelligence can explore on their own.
Let me share a story with you. When my book, Nice Guys and Players, was first published I sold several copies at an expo back in 2000. My girlfriend and I set up my vending table. As we were setting up we noticed that some very muscular brothas were setting up across from us. Their only product was calendars with their pictures in them. Maybe three other groups of muscular brothas set up near us as well. It turns out that these men were exotic dancers. What happened over the next two days confirmed what I had written in my book. Women were packed in our little section of the convention center where the expo was held. In addition to me and the dancers a photographer had set up a booth to take pictures. He stayed busy as young and old women would drag different dancers over to take pictures with them. Over the years I have known male strippers who made drug dealer type money. Half of them really can’t dance. There are videos on the Internet of women making it rain for male dancers. I’ve known about groups of women who would rent out hotel rooms and pay several thousand dollars for dancers to entertain them. They were doing more than dancing. These men weren’t there because of their financial portfolios or their stimulating conversations. These women wanted their bodies.
Another example is sex tourism. There’s a lot of talk of men going on sex vacations to different parts of the world. Many people publically act disgusted by the practice. What’s not talked about is that women engage in sex tourism just as much if not more than men. There’s been some videos about women going to places like Jamaica and Kenya as sex tourists. That’s been going on for years. I first heard about women being sex tourists in the mid-eighties from women who engaged in the practice. In the late-eighties I knew several men from the Caribbean who said they “knew” men who catered to tourists. It’s an unofficial economic engine in some places. Once again these women are not going for a stimulating convo. They want a man with a tight ass body. Women pay for what they value. If they weren’t turned on sexually by a man’s body there wouldn’t be male strippers and many Caribbean islands would have to replace a major economic driver.
Go in any major bookstore to the romance section. The male protagonists in these books aren’t soft body fellows with good hearts and lots of money. Whether the male romantic interest is a biker or a billionaire with issues the men are always described as physically attractive. If women weren’t turned on by a man’s looks the covers to romance novels would look very different. Many books have sold copies for no other reason than that there was a handsome man on the cover. On the cover to my book, Sexual Chemistry, I used a picture of myself wearing a wife beater. I was told by one of my distributors that many WOMEN bought the book, which is primarily directed at men, because of the picture. I did a book signing one time and a woman kissed the cover of one of my books and then tried to kiss me!
The final example I want to use may make people squeamish but it has to be said because not publically recognizing that women are sexually aroused by visual cues can have serious emotional repercussions for many men. Every week it seems there is some story about a female teacher being convicted of sleeping with an underaged boy. Now people may say the women were mentally sick or some other excuse that ignores the obvious. These women slept with these young boys because the young boys looked good to them. Every other explanation is bullshit and is best left to defense attorneys who are trying to keep their clients out of prison. In many of these cases the teachers didn’t just rape some young boy. In most cases these teachers were in relationships with these boys. These are just the teachers. Every neighborhood has at least one woman who the smart mothers in that area keep an eye on. A woman knows when somebody is looking at her baby boy in that way. Since the sixth grade at any given time I knew at least one teenage boy who was getting his dick sucked by a woman old enough to be his mother. This is a game my Grandmother hipped me to so I know all about it. I pay close attention whenever an older woman is around my sons. I will publically debate any man or woman on this issue because it’s personal for me. That’s all you need to know.
These older women ain’t getting with these young boys to be provided for and protected. What a teenaged boy have to offer a grown-ass woman? He doesn’t have any resources. He’s still sleeping in same bunk bed he’s had for years. He doesn’t have that thing called “game.” Real game is knowledge about life. A teenager regardless of how mature he may be otherwise only has limited life experience. He can’t game a grown-ass woman who has reasonable intelligence. The young boy has one trump card and one trump card only with the older woman: his body. Regardless of how a woman wants to rationalize the situation a young boy really has nothing else to offer.
The bottom line with all of this is that it’s the very nature of women to be turned on sexually by simply looking at a man. Looks matter and a man’s “look” matters. Not only are women are looking at a man’s body build, and facial features but are checking out his overall appearance. Women are checking out a man’s haircut, his facial hair grooming, his clothes, his jewelry, and especially his shoes. I’m going to play the race card here. Being fit and looking fly has been the base of the game learned in Black communities for decades. It’s still there. There’s a BIG difference between what passes as game on white male dominated Internet forums and taught in expensive seminars and what a Black kid in Chicago or Washington DC will know. What the inner city kid knows is that it’s about the look. If a woman doesn’t like a man’s look there is very little he can do to get her. This knowledge is shared in my books.
So the star of the show in my books, blogs, and coaching is Mr. Goodbar. Well I write what I know. It’s who I am. Actually women in the past have called me cocky, arrogant, player, bad boy, jerk, and those were the nicer comments. They called me sexy too so for some odd reason the other names didn’t prove to be a hindrance to getting sex. That might have to be the “Being Mr. Goodbar” book I need to get around to publishing. Anyway Mr. Goodbar is in my blood as the men in my family had zero problems getting women. My great-grandfather was a minister that had the women in his congregation swooning. My paternal grandfather was a “whoremonger” as my grandmother called him. He knew a woman’s body better than a doctor. My maternal grandfather was a smooth numbers runner who was a straight Mack. My maternal uncle as a cop looked like Billy Dee Williams with a personality like Alonzo Harris from Training Day. My father is a blue collar man who has women young enough to be my daughter chasing HIM. I have a couple of cousins who got paid by women for sex.
My point though is not to provide my family background. My real point is Mr. Goodbar isn’t one single character type. The men in my family represent different types of Goodbars. My great grandfather was Black upper class while his daughter, my grandmother, married into a numbers running family. She in turn had a son who became a cop. My father’s people were blue collar. My cousins were on that line between working class and Black Elite. All these men came from different places but represented different types of masculine sex appeal. In the manner of role playing games and young adult novels I have identified eight types of Goodbars or as I’ll call them, Goodbar Clans. What follows is a description of each group and their appeal to women. One thing I will point out is that in earlier blogs I talked about Lovermen, Demon Lovers, and Male Freaks. These titles don’t constitute separate groups because they are traits that can be found in men in any of the clans.
One thing to note is that these clans are categorized according to how women are sexually turned on by them. For example a woman will be turned on by men in two of the clans but unmoved by men in the other five clans. There is no hierarchy in how these clans are presented. Think of them as different styles of sexual seduction.
The Lookers are the pretty boys of the Goodbar Clans. These men are extremely handsome. They have been blessed with great facial bone structure, and in many cases pretty eyes. Lookers tend to have average bodies and be of average height. Women really don’t care about a Looker’s body. A few rare Lookers may be a few pounds overweight. Women are too busy staring at the face of a Looker to care about the rest of him. Lookers tend to take care of their face and will always have a fly haircut.
Many women don’t want to be around a man that looks better than they do. These women get turned on by a man with an average face and muscular body. The Bodymen are those cats with the killer physiques. They will have the big chest, broad shoulders, tall, muscular legs, and tight butts. Women say “dat ass” too. Women will want kiss the Lookers but will want to lick the chest and back of the Bodymen. Ask me how I know.
This clan is made up of men who are stylish dressers. These men will have fly glasses or shades. Maybe a nice gold chain. Cotton shirts or polos. Their pants will be pressed and creased. Rest assured their shoes will be shined to the point where you can see your reflection. Even when dressed casually these men will have on crisp jeans or athletic suits. Many women are turned on by a man who knows how to dress.
The Bad Boys are the Clan that catches the most hell. Many non-Goodbars think this group gets the most attention. Not really but they get enough. The Bad Boys tend to be decent looking with decent bodies. A big part of their appeal is their non-conformity. From a physical point of view they don’t look like the mainstream population. Their hair will be longer. They will have more tattoos than the average person. They tend to make money in sometimes illegal ways or if legal outside the normal nine to five. Many may be artists.
The Cool Dudes are the charismatic Clan. They don’t have the looks and the body. They are average dressers and they tend to be more mainstream. They are the men who can click with damn near everybody. Women are rarely turned on by the Cool Dudes at first. A woman may meet a Cool Dude and immediately put him in the friend zone. Then she talks to him for an hour and is ready to take him to a motel. The Cool Dudes know how to connect to a woman emotionally.
The Bangers are not necessarily handsome or have the best looking bodies. They tend to be built solid but not with muscular definition. Many may have a bit of a gut. They are not stylish dressers and are surprisingly conformist. They are very down to earth. The thing about them is that they look like they would fuck the shit out of a woman. The Bangers tend to be the men women go to when they just need to some good dick. Many people think women go to the Bad Boys or Bodymen for straight sex. Naw they go to the Bangers. See the other groups tend to be picky and will limit their sex partners to women who rate as an eight or above. The Bangers will fuck anything female. And they will do it WELL. These men aren’t making love with candles and rose petals. Some women just want straight pounding and the Bangers happily oblige them.
The Thoroughs don’t necessarily turn on women from raw sex appeal in terms of face and body. The Thoroughs turn on women because of how they handle themselves in life. The Thoroughs turn on women because they are confident and aggressive in how they approach life. These men are natural leaders. Most women and men for the matter were built to follow. The Thorough is the man who will always take the lead. He will take charge of a situation without thinking about it. Women will unconsciously submit to a Thorough. Many women are turned on sexually if they submit to a man.
The eighth clan is a recent creation starting in 2007. There is a tiny but slowly growing subculture of primarily Black men who are learning how to bring a woman to orgasm without touching them. They are doing this through energy projection. Check out this video starting at the 4:00 mark. For the most part these men look like Nice Guys. These men don’t have game. As a result of learning energy techniques as well as going through some other regimens women are being sexually aroused by these men by simply being in the same room. I estimate the number of men doing this to be less than 100 right now. In another ten years the numbers may be in the thousands.
So there you have it. If you look at the clans any man can become a Mr. Goodbar. Many men will say that they’re ugly, or short, or broke and thus will not attract women. Other than the Lookers, the Goodbars aren’t the most handsome. Only the Bodymen have killer physiques. The other clans are made up of average looking men. The only thing they all have in common is sex appeal. A man can be ugly, short, and broke and still get sex as long as he is a Cool Dude or Thorough. He can still dress well like a Swag Cat. The Tantra Brothas are mostly nerdy in behavior and physical appearance. Yet many of them have multiple women.
It’s all about self-improvement. Many of the men in the Mr. Goodbar category didn’t start off that way. One Looker showed me pictures of him that were very nerdy. When I met him he was modeling. Every Bodyman had to pick up that first weight. Every Swag Cat had to take years to develop their personal style. Every Bad Boy had to make a decision to be a non-conformist. Every Cool Dude had to talk to that first girl. The Bangers had to have that first sexual experience. Every Thorough had to develop his confidence. The Tantra Brothas had to learn their techniques.
If a man wants to become a member of one of the clans he has to be willing to do the work.