I didn’t know I was a thug. I mean, I don’t have the common mentality of a thug nor a criminal record. I don’t wear earrings or have tattoos and I’m well-versed in the use of a belt. Nevertheless, I’m a thug. It’s a powerful moment of clarity. It explains a lot. Now I know why Black women have for the most part shown me love all of my life, whether for friendship, support, and especially in the bedroom. It was because I’m a thug. At least according to the prevailing wisdom of many self-identified “Good Black Men.”
There’s been an interesting trend in many “Good Black Men” saying that Black women only want thugs. Now I find this interesting because I always made out like a bandit with the sistas. I must have been a thug. Here all this time I thought it was because I filled out a suit, had nice eyes, and had those little things called degrees from major universities. At least that’s what the ladies told me. Maybe they thought I was an undercover thug with tattoos under the tailored suit. Maybe they thought the correct English was a front. That had to be it because according to the wisdom of many of the “Good Black Men” out here these women should have ignored me.
I’m making fun of this issue but it’s really no laughing matter. The reality is that there are a significant number of Black men who feel like they are being overlooked and rejected by Black women because they are not thugs. There are indeed Black women who are attracted to thuggish men or at least the men who have the appearance of being thuggish but this is only a minority of women and even in these cases there are other factors to be considered.
Before I go further let me tell you a little bit about myself so you understand where I get my perspective on Black male/female relationships. I’m doing this because it has been my experience that people will try to find reasons to dismiss what I say if they disagree with my comments. They’ll commonly try to question my credentials or my life experience. My perspective on Black relationships, indeed on relationships in general come from what I’m finding to be a rather unique life experience. Despite what the media and even some Black people think, there are several subcultures within the Black community. Some of the more obvious ones are based on economic status. Thus we have the underclass which includes multigenerational families on government assistance, and those involved in petty criminal activity as a way of life. We have different levels within the worker class, which includes the working poor and those with higher paying hourly wage jobs. There is the professional class which includes individuals with advanced degrees and high paying jobs. Finally, there is the Black upper class and I don’t mean rich celebrities or athletes. We’re talking OLD Black money with family bloodlines going back to Blacks who owned other Blacks during slavery as well as free Blacks during the same period. Across these economic groupings there are several subgroups based on personal interests and especially religious beliefs. Thus if one were to take a cross section of the Black community, say a thousand people, and put them in a ballroom it would be an interesting sight. You would have a Bourgie sista wearing the hottest designer dress standing next to a Muslim brotha with a sharp tailored suit standing next to another Muslim brotha with robes standing next to a sista wearing African clothing with locs going down her back standing next to a RBG brotha wearing fatigues standing next to a brotha with his pants sagging. All of these groups have different nuances as to how they approach male/female relationships. My personal experience is unique in that I’ve spent significant time among several different subcultures within the Black community.
When I was little I lived in a housing project in California and in a poor neighborhood in Washington, DC. That was just the economic situation with my mother and sister. Now, when I look at my extended family they appeared to be rich in my eyes. My grandmother and other extended family members owned multiple properties, businesses, and when I was four, my uncle bought me a pony. In the period of a week I could go from dodging budding stick-up kids to chilling at one of my aunt’s beach properties. As I grew older I learned how to distinguish and navigate between the different social groupings within the Black community. I have applied that knowledge in both my private and professional lives. I have especially applied that knowledge in my analysis of Black male/female relationship issues. One thing I’ve seen is that most relationship “experts” view the problems through the lens of their own particular subculture but try to apply solutions to the entire community which is obviously not working. What I do is look at the big picture. I analyze the different subcultures in terms of their nuances but I also look for common factors.
In the Black community, indeed in all westernized cultures, women tend to place men in two different categories for dating and relationship purposes. For brevity purposes these categories are select and non-select. The men in the select category are those judged by women to be handsome, sexy, and have a respected status. To use the urban vernacular these men have “swag.” The men in the non-select category are those men judged by women to be not as handsome, sexually unappealing and lacking a respected status. Of course, several factors will affect who a particular woman considers handsome and sexy. The status depends on the particular subculture. A professional woman will look at a partner at a law firm as having status while a church woman will look at a minister as having status.
Getting back to the notion that Black women want thugs, this may be the case within certain subcultures in which thuggish behavior is glorified, however, it would be inaccurate to apply this viewpoint to the entire Black female population. This is a perception based on media images and the subcultures from which most of the complaining “Good Black Men” originate. From my vantage point the most accurate statement about the overall dating preferences of Black women would be that the sistas want handsome men with swag and at least enough money to handle their business. Even Black women who genuinely desire thugs want them to be handsome with sex appeal. A reality is that most thugs are having as much trouble with relationships as the “Good Black Men.” Most thugs are non-select in the eyes of the average Black woman. Some sistas will SETTLE for the average thug if there are no other viable options and quite frankly many Black women would rather be single than settle with a non-select man.
Before I go further let me explain why I put the term “Good Black Man” in quotations. As I’ve explained above I’ve dealt with many subcultures and in doing so I’ve interacted with a lot of people both male and female. In my eyes many of the men running around talking about how “good” they are have serious character issues which have more to do with their lack of success with women than anything else. In my opinion, many of these men are simply failures with women and instead of doing something to improve their level of success they hate on the men who get the women and also the women who reject them. These men know deep down the women don’t see them as handsome and they know they don’t have sex appeal. So what do they do? They try act intellectually and morally superior to the select men. The “Good Black Men” will especially put down Black women for rejecting them. That’s really the genesis of this whole “Black women want thugs” thing. The truth about the select is difficult for most of these “good” men to handle.
The men that Black women, indeed all women, consider select are those men who are the most optimally developed on all levels. It’s not an issue of these men just being handsome with charisma even though this plays a big role. In most cases these men are also very intelligent and have a lot of drive and ambition. These are men of substance. This is not a conclusion I’m just pulling out of the air. My first real introduction to the concept of select and non-select came the summer before I started freshmen year at Archbishop Carroll High School in Washington, DC. I’m not sure about the school’s reputation in the present day but in the early eighties it was a prestigious institution. I went with my grandmother to see one of her friends. Her friend had maybe a few of her granddaughters at the house. These girls pretty much ignored me until my grandmother casually mentioned that I would be attending Carroll. The granddaughters got real friendly all of a sudden. It was an eye opener as to what got a response from females.
Women don’t just want a handsome man. Many women can attest to meeting a fine brotha and then get turned off when he starts talking. Depending on the character of the woman she might use the man as a boy toy but she won’t take him out with her in public. An honest look at the selectmen will reveal men with advanced degrees such as MBA’s JD’s and PhDs. You will find doctors, lawyers, accountants, ministers, and business owners. One will also encounter plumbers, carpenters, and garbage men. There will be some negative individuals in the select group but not in a greater percentage than there is in the non-select. The main thing is that there is no intellectual or moral difference between the groups. There are monogamous men in both groups and there are players in both groups. So what separates the groups? Let’s get to that.
The only difference between the select and the non-select is sex. The select/non-select paradigm is a sexual hierarchy. The Black men in the select category are simply the ones sexually desirable to most Black women. The men in the non-select fail to make the cut. There’s very little honest discussion about the true sexual desires of Black women in the public realm. In the media, the sistas will talk about the virtues they look for in men but what’s not being said is that they are looking for these virtues in men they consider sexually appealing. To be fair this is why many Black men get frustrated because many will have the virtues on some level but will still get rejected. Then the men will see a woman with a man they consider to be a thug and think that the woman is crazy. A man can’t look at another man and see what a woman sees in him. A man may see a fine sista with a man he considers to be a thug. The woman knows that her man is a doctor and in her eyes is drop dead fine.
Sex appeal to a woman is more than just physical appearance. There is also a mental component which a select man has to bring to the table. A man has to have a certain level of intelligence in order to be seen as sexually appealing to a woman. This intelligence isn’t necessarily in an academic sense though that is important to some women, but more of a social/common sense type of intelligence. A woman has to be turned on mentally and physically to truly be satisfied. A thug by nature is a negative individual who quite frankly isn’t going to appeal to most Black women.
This whole “Black women want thugs” idea needs to be checked for several reasons. There are a few black subcultures where this may be a reality but cannot be applied to the entire Black community. It’s an insult to most Black women, who are genuinely attracted to professional men, blue collar men, activists, or artists. It’s an insult to Black men who get love and respect from Black women on a daily basis without compromising their manhood.
Instead of trying to put down the men who get attention from women or trying put down the women for wanting certain men, the so-called “Good Black Man” needs to look in the mirror. There’s nothing wrong with rejection. Rejection is a beautiful thing because it tells a person what they need to improve on in life. The key is to learn from rejection. The most successful people in life faced a lot of rejection regardless of whether it was it was in relationships or business. Successful people take responsibility for their own lives. They don’t blame the world. They realize that there is only one thing they can control in life: the person in the mirror.
The following is an excerpt from my book, Sexual Chemistry.
When a man sees a woman with a slamming face and body he goes into a trance. While in this trance he has to possess this woman. He will do whatever it takes to possess her. With the exception of Mr. Goodbar, men will go through personality changes to be with these women or use something artificial to acquire these women. The Masked Man will use his status and money. The Gamesman will use some type of game. The Nice Guy will become her best friend. In the eyes of men these women are icons. These women are perfectly formed goddesses who must be possessed at all costs. That is where men get in trouble. In their haste to “acquire” these women it is not taken into account that these women are living, breathing people. These women are treated like objects that are often discarded once the men has gotten used to them and sees that they are regular persons.
At the same time it’s the nature of men to be drawn to extremely attractive women. Nature made men this way for a reason. So there is a situation where men are treating extremely attractive women as objects on one hand and on the other hand men are going to be drawn to extremely attractive women anyway. The key is for men to see extremely attractive women in a different light. Before I go further I want to clarify what I mean by “extremely attractive women.” An extremely attractive woman as I use the term means two things. One is a woman who is the female equivalent of Mr. Goodbar, a Ms. Goodbar. These are the women who can walk into a room of 100 men of different races, nationalities, social classes, and be considered attractive by 90 of the men. These are the women whose appeal transcends cultural biases. The second type of woman is one who is considered extremely attractive to maybe a few men. She may walk into a room with the same 100 men and be considered attractive to 5 of the men. To those five she is the most beautiful woman in the world. All women are extremely attractive to somebody. Men have to learn to treat the women THEY consider attractive in a different way.
Speaking from personal experience, I have dated several extremely attractive women in my life. I have been friends with several more similarly attractive women. These women were not just attractive in my perception but to many other men and women as well. I’m talking about women who have placed in beauty contests, a couple of women who have been in national magazines, exotic dancers, and models. One thing struck me about these women. These women had very down to earth personalities once you got past their looks. These women had the same interests as anyone other woman. These women had interests ranging from science fiction novels to action movies to politics to religious matters. I knew a couple of extremely attractive women who were working on PhDs. These women were not trying to live the glamorous life. Most of these women are just like any other woman walking down the street in that they wanted a good man and family in their lives.
Many people may disagree with what I just wrote. They may say that these women have stuck-up attitudes and are standoffish and mean. I must admit that some of the extremely attractive women I have dealt with can come off this way. There is an explanation for this behavior. These attitudes are really defense mechanisms against men making unwanted advances and jealous women. I’ll get to the actions of men in a second. Many extremely attractive women catch hell from other women. For example, Kathy is a very beautiful woman with a beautiful personality. Despite this, women who don’t know her very well will go as far as to make up lies about Kathy, especially to men who may be showing an interest. Women are very competitive with each other. Very few women can handle being around a woman who gets more attention than they do. There are situations where several women may gang up on one extremely attractive woman. Several extremely attractive women have told me that they didn’t have a lot of female friends for this reason.
The issues with men are more obvious. Extremely attractive women will be the recipients of unwanted advances by men several times a day. Sometimes these women have to fend off advances by lesbians. This woman may be going to work, to school, shopping, or wherever. In other words there is someplace she is trying to go. There is nothing more irritating to a woman than to be constantly bothered by strangers trying to talk to her.
The situation wouldn’t be as bad if many men knew how to talk to women in public. It amazes me to hear adult men who cannot walk up to a woman and simply introduce himself politely. It saddens me to hear grown men say “Hey baby” followed by a corny line. Then when the woman ignores the man he gets more aggressive and sadly in too many cases may refer to her as a “bitch.” Men will approach these women incorrectly and then get an attitude when the women don’t respond.
Men having certain attitudes about extremely attractive women can hurt them in other ways as well. For example, Jason, a Masked Man, comes from an upper middle-class background. He meets Michelle who not only has an extremely attractive face and body but she also has a great job making lots of money and is educated with two advanced degrees. Jason assumes she is from the same background. Jason and Michelle meet at a club and they talk about their jobs, their college and grad school years, and their plans for the future. They seem to have a lot in common. They go to dinner at an expensive restaurant the next week. As they are talking the subject of welfare comes up. Jason tears into people on welfare and people from poor backgrounds. Jason is having a good ole time and is laughing at his own jokes. He doesn’t seem to notice that Michelle isn’t laughing. Jason takes Michelle to her home and expects to be invited in. Michelle thanks Jason for the evening and then tells him to never call her again. Jason demands an explanation. Michelle explains that her family was on welfare as she grew up and that she’s not ashamed of her background, and that she has many relatives still living under those conditions. In this case Jason’s negative attitude hurt his chances to get to know a great woman.
The Background of Extremely Attractive Women
My point with the above example is that these women don’t come out of a vacuum. These women typically don’t come out of families where everyone looks like a movie star. Many of these women come out of very down to earth families. One observation I have made over the years is that many of the extremely attractive women we see walking down the street may be from dysfunctional backgrounds. This is especially the case if the woman has a high level of sexual charisma. Let me clarify this before I go further. Up to this point I had labeled extremely attractive women into one large group. The reality is that extremely attractive women are in three groups, which for simplicity I will label the Nice Girls, Masked Women, and Ms. Goodbars. The Nice Girl is the woman who may only be extremely attractive to a few men. Most men will find them physically unappealing. The Masked Woman is the woman who has a beautiful face and slamming body, but does not generate a lot of sexual chemistry. A man will generally go for the pretty face and nice body but if he gets into a relationship with a Masked Woman he may feel something is missing. Many women have soft exteriors and hard interiors. Many women are too defensive with men and as a result cannot turn them on. The Masked Women are unable to access their inner feminine energy, which will make them more receptive to men in the right situations.
The Ms. Goodbars of the world are at least minimally in touch with their inner feminine and have a high level of sexual charisma. These are the women who may not seem as physically attractive as some other women but there will be something about them that draws men to them. If one were to think about it, the women who draw the most attention from men are not the ones who are the most physically attractive. These women may be a little overweight, or have a plain hairstyle, or an average face and yet men will find them irresistible. Men will chase the Ms. Goodbars more than Masked Women.
I have observed that many of the Ms. Goodbars come from dysfunctional backgrounds. The Mr. Goodbar scenario I used in the earlier chapter can easily be applied to women. Many of these women come from single parent homes where a parent may have been alcoholic, or mentally ill. Many have been the children of divorce. Many have had little if any contact with their fathers. Let’s look at that last one for a second. The importance of fathers being in the lives of the sons is widely recognized in the community. There is no argument there. What isn’t as widely recognized is the effect the absence of fathers has on girls. In an earlier chapter I wrote about people making their relationship choices based on their opposite sex parents. This can be good or bad depending on the parent. Little girls who grow up without their fathers will not have a basis for choosing a man. They didn’t have a model to go by. They will not know how to deal with men in certain situations. The women without fathers, as well as women who grow up with alcoholic or mentally ill parents, will have a tendency to have a more overtly sexual nature to them. These are the types of women who may wear sexually provocative clothing in inappropriate situations, or they may flirt more than the average woman. These women will definitely turn on men and will be pursued for gratification or even a long-term relationship. The men, however, need to keep in mind the types of issues the woman may bring to the table. One very significant issue many women are bringing to the table is the issue of sexual abuse.
Many women from ALL backgrounds have been the victims of sexual abuse. This ranges from fondling to incest. Either their fathers or older relatives have sexually abused many women as young girls. I have even heard of cases of adult incest. These women have gone through some stuff. Many women are either in therapy or need to be in therapy. There is so much I could say about sexual abuse but the scope of this book limits such a discussion. The matter needs to be explored in more than a few paragraphs and or even a chapter. The bottom line is that many women need to be healed of issues stemming from factors such as sexual abuse.
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I'm going to start expanding the scope of this blog. In the future I will be doing videos in addition to the written articles. The following video was something I did last August. I address the controversial issue of women chasing thugs. Let me know what you think.