The latest thing trending on social media is “#wastehistime2016.” In a nutshell women are tweeting about things to do to a man they are dating to “waste his time.” Basically these women are advocating doing to men what men have done to women for years. Being the player instead being played. Yeah okay. Now I’ve read where this is supposed to be satire. Maybe. Many people are taking this seriously judging by the coverage this hashtag is receiving. I want to add my $59.99 to the conversation. Women especially need to really think on what I’m about to say.
First of all, nothing advocated by #wastehistime2016 is new. Women have been playing these types of games with men for generations. I’ve been conscious of these games since I was a little kid in the seventies. I used to watch older women play these games. In my latest book, “A Player’s Eyes” I write that I learned that thing called “game” from women. I’ve talked with elders who told me about women’s games going back at least to 1930's which means women have been playing the game even longer. There’s nothing new under the sun. I repeat #wastehistime2016 isn’t particularly revolutionary. Young folks need to stop thinking they are reinventing the wheel. They would know this if they would have real conversations with their elders.
Let’s be straight up about something. Many women are embracing this hashtag to turn the tables on the men who have hurt them, primarily Players and Bad Boys. Let’s be raw. Women are NOT going to doing anything to waste a Player or Bad Boy’s time. The true Player, especially if he is a sexually appealing Mr. Goodbar type, only deals with women on his terms. When Mr. Goodbar tires of a woman he dismisses her like the maid. A woman gets one shot at him. If she does some dumb shit he has five other women to take her place. Women know this. Plus to be real, a woman is not going to play games with Mr. Goodbar anyway because she wants that good dick from him.
As far as Bad Boys let’s be raw again. Some of those men are crazy. I’m not talking about the men who call themselves Bad Boys because on the surface they go against the grain. I’m talking about crazy men who will beat a woman’s ass for being five minutes late from the store. Domestic violence is a serious matter. Many women think they got that girl power thing and they can do or say anything to a man and he won’t put his hands on them. These women are STUPID! If a man has it in him to put his hands on a woman he will not give a fuck about the police, your male family members, or your woman’s empowerment group. The type of man who will beat a woman will put a bullet in another man’s ass. All it takes with some men is just the PERCEPTION that a woman is trying to play him. #wastehistime2016 may get a woman killed. For the women reading this you never truly know who you’re dealing with. Don’t get hurt over a silly game.
The biggest single problem with #wastehistime2016 is not the Players or Bad Boys and their reaction. The biggest problem is that women will do these things to genuinely good men. For reasons I have never been able to fathom women like playing games with men who have good intentions towards them. A woman will meet a man who finds her attractive and interesting. On the other hand she might not be feeling him because he doesn’t make her vagina tingle like Mr. Goodbar. Instead of just letting him down easy she lets him spend money on her and pretend like he’s winning her heart. That’s a best case scenario. Often she will play those games advocated by #wastehistime2016 as revenge for what some other man did. The women who do this get a level of satisfaction but ultimately they’ve created some bad karma.
There’s a type of man I never really talk about. Even when I talk about Mr. Goodbar I don’t really say anything negative about him. Mr. Goodbar doesn’t have negative intent towards women. He simply desires multiple women. He is giving women something of value, pleasure, to the woman. The type of man I never really talk about it the DOG. This is the man who will INTENTIONALLY hurt women. He will go out of way to emotionally damage a woman. Another term is DEMON LOVER. These men in most cases weren’t born evil. I’ve found something interesting in talking with these men over the years and even observing a few I’ve watched transform. These men all started off as genuine good guys with good hearts. Then they ran into game playing women who broke their hearts. The most common case is an emotionally abusive mother. The second most common case is not just being rejected but demeaned by an attractive girl or woman. Let’s get deeper into that last one.
If a woman just rejects a man that’s one thing. All men, including Mr. Goodbar, have been rejected. It’s another thing if a woman strings a man along. Wastes his time. Many women do that. They know they have no interest in a particular man. Yet they will let a man take them out on dates and buy nice things. The whole time she will be a little mean to him. After a month or so they will tell the man they just want to be “friends.” The woman already knew she wasn’t interested but she USED the man. Some will even laugh about the man with their girlfriends. Many men can do nothing but complain on social media and in general withdraw socially. Then you have the Dog.
The men who become Dogs are typically men who are what I call “Dormant Goodbars.” These are those men who will either be a little underweight, or have a little baby fat. They will have generally handsome features but they may not have the best look as far as their haircuts and facial hair. They won’t have a good style and may not have a lot of social skills. What they have is good hearts and good intentions towards women. At least until several women have intentionally “wasted his time.” There comes a time in a Dog’s life when that good heart he had closes. Once that happens a Demon Lover is born. There’s a saying that says “Once the student is ready, the teacher appears.” That Dog will run into someone who will teach him two things: how to attract women to him and how to push a woman’s sexual buttons. The Good Guy has become the Dog and thus a vicious cycle is continued.
Many women might think that #wastehistime2016 is empowering but the reality they are creating a scenario where instead meeting a dream man they will encounter a nightmare.
A Player's Eyes Sizzle Reel
The following are excerpts from my upcoming book, "A Player's Eyes - One Man's View of Sexual Relationships." The book will be available for purchase in November.
For many I’m the villain of the story. Jealous men and jilted women have thrown shade my way over the years. The men mad that the women they sweated, wined, dined, and chased for years showed me love when all I did was say hi and maybe held the door for them. Jilted women mad at me because despite their seductive best I wasn’t feeling their flavor. Hey a brotha got standards. Whatever. I never worried about these folks though. As long as they didn’t have a gun in their hands (and I’ve had guns in my face) I wasn’t worried. It’s all part of the game of life. I’ve lost women I’ve wanted to other men and I’ve been rejected. It is what it is.
In the popular culture and indeed in conventional beliefs there is the notion that looks don’t matter to women as much as they do with men. Even when women do say that looks matter they will put it low on the list of priorities of what they want in a man. I’m throwing a flag on that. Fifteen yard penalty for unsportsmanlike bullshit. The reality is that not only do looks matter but they matter more to women than they do to men. This is especially true in sexual matters. When women look for long term partners such as boyfriends and husbands they will look at personality compatibility, social class, money, religious affiliation, political views, education level, and even something as trivial as music tastes. The trick though is that they look for these things in men they find PHYSICALLY attractive. When women say that there is a shortage of “good men” what they really mean is that there is a shortage of “good LOOKING men.”
The dating scene is different for a Goodbar. He doesn’t have to approach several women on the street hoping that one will not only stop and talk but also give him the correct number and return the text within an hour. Usually women are either making it extremely easy for Goodbar to approach them or they simply take the initiative and find an excuse to approach Goodbar.
Game as it is generally shared in the public sphere doesn’t work on women. Men think it works on women but on the for real for real, women just let men think it works. When a man approaches a woman, she has already decided what she’s going to do with him. If she wants to have sex with him she has already decided to do so. Now if he wants to throw some corny lines at her, make a production of getting her phone number, take her on an expensive date, and let him think he convinced her to take her panties down, far be it for her to spoil his illusion. She’ll let him think he has control when in reality she’s been in total control the whole time.
The reason women get played is not because they lack common sense, love thugs, or have a sign on their foreheads that says, “Victim.” The reason women get played is because of their egos.
The Sexual Shadow World (Shadow World) is not a place. It is a shadow. A shadow out of the corner of one’s eyes. It is the realm where a few men and a whole lot of women express their sexuality free from society’s constraints. It is where the stay at home soccer mom who makes the nice cupcakes for the neighborhood families has had an ongoing relationship with her young hot neighbor for years. It is where the high functioning autistic but good looking man who works in a library supplements his income by indulging in the fantasies of lonely but affluent women. It’s a world that occasionally leaks out into the mainstream but remains quite hidden. Someone introduced to this world would have their minds blown.
I’ve read several blogs, studies, and watched several videos of those who promote the concept that looks matter. Of course I agree as improving one’s body has been the foundation of my books. That being said there’s another level. If you look at the information in the public sphere it gives the impression that ALL one needs to do is look good. Many people feel like if they get some type plastic surgery then their relationship issues will disappear. They may get a little bit more attention but if other things are not in place that person will not be considered “sexy.”
Many women are very insecure. They can strut around like Amazons ready to conquer the world and whatnot. They can make a business deal in the morning and then go home to their big expensive houses and whip a fabulous dinner for themselves to eat while they watch their big screen TVs. Yeah many women are dripping strength and confidence until they meet that drop dead gorgeous man who’s tall and buffed. That same woman who just addressed executives at a board meeting has trouble saying hello to the man as he walks by. If she does speak she’ll stutter and once he walks by she’ll rush home to change her panties because she peed on herself. It’s not that women don’t want Pretty Boys. It’s just that the butterflies are doing the tango in their stomachs. Just like men get anxiety around beautiful women, women get it worse around beautiful men.
There is the thought that women want Alpha Males. It’s something that I’ve promoted myself on occasion. The Alpha Male is supposedly that tall, handsome man with a take charge dominant personality. He kicks ass in all areas of society. He’s the CEO of the billion dollar corporation, the football quarterback, he’s the charismatic leader of the drug cartel. He is… THE MAN. The wisdom is that these men get the best women. Indeed it is thought these men will have harems of beautiful women who are at their beck and call. Most dating and seduction advice geared towards men provide techniques for a man to either become an Alpha Male or to imitate alpha characteristics. To be bad it’s all bullshit.
One of the main problems is that there are not enough Dimes to go around. A man may not want to deal with the woman built like a water buffalo but he may live in a town with a whole herd of them. The only time a man may consistently see Dimes is when he lives near a big college town or if he hangs around the most popular club in a big city. Even then many of the Dimes are just Nickels who shined themselves up real good. It’s interesting that there is so much talk about a shortage of good men yet it would be easy for men to say that there is a shortage of good women. Unlike women, men would be honest enough to say that we mean beautiful and sexy.
I have real problems with the “game” that is taught on the Internet in blogs, forums and in expensive seminars held in big hotel rooms. My problem is that the shit don’t work for the majority of men who make efforts to learn this “game.” I based that comment on not only several statements made by disgruntled men on the Internet who feel like they have been scammed but from dealing with men who have called themselves “Pick Up Artists” (PUAs). I’ve coached men who have gone through these seminars and classes. Usually I have to deprogram them before I can teach them anything useful. The problem is what the men are being taught is wack to begin with.
Many men have been attracted to a woman who will look them in the eye and say; “You have so many great qualities but I only see you as a friend.” They will also say, “You’re going to make some woman very lucky one day.” Most men just grin and bear it until they see the object of their desire walking around with another man. Not just any man either. The Good Guy has a degree, a career, his own home, and a late model car. The woman who friend zoned him is walking around with an underemployed high school dropout who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t even have a driver’s license.
It’s interesting to listen to Non-Select men complain about the choices women make. They can’t for the life of them see the appeal of a Player or Bad Boy. They think the women are the ones with issues and they should go for the Good Guys. Even the women feel this way. Many women will wonder why they can’t seem to fall in love with a gainfully employed, church going, and respectful man. Instead the women are going crazy over a man who barely texts them, who may put them down, and will have multiple other women. Even when women kick a Player to the curb they usually end up swooning for another Player. What’s the issue? From "A Player’s Eyes" the answer is simple. A woman will put up with a Player, Bad Boy, or Dog for one reason and one reason alone: That drug called PLEASURE.
People don’t realize how deep it for a man to sleep with a great number of women in his lifetime. That’s why a lot of men go crazy if they get dumped by their girlfriends or divorced from their wives. Once a man finds that one woman who will fuck him on the regular he wants to hold on tight. Many men will lock down their women for that reason. Even when a man cheats he just has one other mistress. The average man will have about thirty women in his life who will feel a natural attraction to him. Thing is he’s not going to have sex with all thirty if he even meets them. Most people will not meet all the persons most naturally attracted to them. The man may be lucky to meet his thirty but fifteen of them will be in relationships. He will not be naturally attracted to ten of them. The timing will be off with at least two of the women. So he may hook up with three women.
The biggest single problem in male/female relationships is that most people are not realistic in searching for a mate. You have plain looking, average shaped women with boring personalities thinking they can get a top tier male. These women will not only reject men who are more in their league as far as looks and personality but they will do so with an attitude. Even when they manage to hook up with a Select Man in most cases they are not really compatible. Bomb sex doesn’t mean that two people need to be together outside the bedroom. Dude could just have that good dick which he shares with five other women. Yet Plain Jane thinks its love when she is really just a cool booty call. Then when Plain Jane realizes that Mr. Goodbar doesn’t love her all men become dogs until she starts to swoon in the arms of another sexy dude.
The reality is that only a small percentage of men have experienced what I have with dealing with women. The majority struggle in their relationships. That’s even when they can get one. Many men don’t believe anything they haven’t personally experienced. I’ve told men that I’ve always been approached by Dimes and they think I’m lying. The reason is they and their associates have never been approached by a beautiful woman. I mentioned to a couple of men that several women have showed up to my living space in the past without wearing underwear. No way have they said, because it hasn’t happened to them. I tell them I have to think hard about how many women I’ve had some sexual contact with in my life. They think I’m automatically think I’m bullshitting because they remember the three women they have been with.
The following excerpt is from my upcoming book, "A Player's Eyes." In this excerpt I explain the real reason women, particularly smart and educated women, fall prey to Players and Bad Boys.
The reason women get played is not because they lack common sense, love thugs, or have a sign on their foreheads that says, “Victim.” The reason women get played is because of their egos. The women who get played the most are the ones who think they are the bomb. Even though all women can and do get played there is one type that gets played the most. I will call that woman the Smart Woman. The Smart Woman is usually educated. If she isn’t educated she may have had enough intelligence to work her way up to a high paying job. The Smart Woman has money. She has a home and material goods. As far as physical appearance she will be somewhere between decent looking to slightly above average. She’s definitely not ugly but no one will mistake her for a Dime. From most men’s point of view the Smart Woman will be considered girlfriend or wife material. Now here’s where it gets interesting. I said “most men’s point of view.” The men who will indeed have a high regard for the Smart Woman will be the same men that most women see as non-select.
As I said Smart Women think they are the bomb. Non-Select men agree with them. The Good Guys who are realistic see these women as perfect compliments. No these women aren’t Dimes but to the Good Guys who like them, they are. They want a good moral woman to come home to and that’s what the Smart Woman looks like. Many Good Guys want to build with these women. The problem is that the Good Guys aren’t good enough for the Smart Woman. Smart Women don’t see good men they can build a family with. Smart Women see men who are too short, too slim, too fat, and not handsome enough. They don’t see a man who has worked hard to get where he is. They see a man who is not making enough money, who may not have finished college, who is blue collar, and who lives in a modest apartment instead of a big townhouse. The Good Guys don’t have what the Smart Women want.
The Smart Women want Mr. Goodbar and the Masked Man. They want the man who can make them scream. It’s more than that though. They want the top men period. Women are very competitive with each other. They want the man that other women want. They want to be able to say they got THE ONE! This is a key aspect of a woman’s game. Some women are realistic enough to be happy for what they can actually get. Dude may be short and pudgy but he loves them and will always do right by them. That ain’t good enough for the Smart Woman. She wants that tall, handsome, built man with degrees and money. Some will even reject Goodbar if he isn’t classically handsome or broke. Here’s the funny thing. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with a woman going for the top man. Go for it girl! Get yo man! The problem that pops up is that the top men don’t see the Smart Women in the same light.
There was a Masked Man I knew years ago. He said something that summed up what I heard other Masked Men say over the years in one way or the other. He mocked Smart Women by saying, “I’m educated. I have a house and car. I keep my hair fixed and wear nice clothes. I’m 250 lbs. I can’t figure out why men don’t want me.” Men in general don’t care about woman’s accomplishments and material possessions. The few that do usually do so because they may be in a social circle where being with a person who projects a certain image is important. Usually in upper middle class social groups. In general that shit don’t matter or is at least not the first thing men notice. When men talk with other men about a woman they just met they don’t talk about her degree, her profession, or her big house. They say she pretty with a phat ass. To Select Men most Smart Women are average at best. When a man doesn’t see a woman as a Dime he will not give her his best. This is especially the case if he has numerous women to choose from. Each sub-category of the Select will respond to Smart Women in interesting ways.
Mr. Goodbar sees most women as sex partners. For the most part the Goodbars are the ones stroking the Dimes. Smart Women usually don’t appear on a Goodbar’s radar. When they do the Smart Woman is usually nothing more than physical gratification. Even then she probably had to work hard and spend money to get Goodbar’s attention. At some point the Smart Woman’s emotions become involved and she falls in love with Goodbar. Goodbar on the other hand just likes her doggy style. At some point the Smart Woman becomes a burden and Goodbar moves on. He usually has other women anyway. Now of course the Smart Woman feels that Goodbar took advantage of her. She forgets that she chased him and not the other way around. She really played herself.
Now the Masked Man is a completely different story. A Goodbar may not set out to intentionally dog a woman. The Masked Man may make it his life mission to do so. Now this isn’t all Masked Men yet there a sizable number who will intentionally hurt a woman emotionally. The Masked Man didn’t start out as Select. He had to work to get there. Physically he had to hit the gym hard. He had to build his body, he had to work on his grooming, his dental work, and his clothing style. That’s just the physical piece. He also had to go through college and maybe graduate school. For the few blue collar Masked Men they had to put in long hours to learn and master their craft. The Masked Man had to pay some dues. The issue is that while they were paying their dues they had very little female companionship. When these men were Non-Select they got rejected for numerous reasons. I knew this dude who eventually became a high paid attorney. He said while he was in school women rejected him because he didn’t have money to spend on them. Never mind he was in school to become an attorney. I’ve heard plenty of stories like that. The irony is that once many of these men started making money the same women that rejected them would get real friendly saying something like, “I knew you were going places. I always thought you were fine.” Really? What happens is the Masked Man has had years to build up some resentment. There’s another dynamic with this.
When the Masked Man was just a Good Guy he wanted the Smart Woman. She just didn’t want him back. Once he crosses the boundary into the Select World that Smart Woman doesn’t look as good to him anymore. This is even in situations where her physical appearance hasn’t faded. The Masked Man got his money right, his house and car are big, his body is muscular and he can wear expensive tailor made suits. Dude wants a Dime to complete the picture. He’ll be cool as long as he dealing with a Dime. When he deals with a Smart Woman he will treat her in an inferior way. All this pain and frustration he has carried for years will be taken out on a Smart Woman even though she may genuinely be attracted to him.
Years ago I did a radio show where I talked specifically about men who dog women. I told the beautiful host that the biggest and most dangerous dogs are not trying to talk to women in the streets. The biggest dogs aren’t some men with their pants hanging off their ass. The most doggish men, the ones who make it their life mission to hurt women, are often the ones who are professionals with corporate jobs. It’s all part of a vicious cycle. Smart Women think they should get the top men and reject men who aren’t there. When those men get to the top they reject those same women that rejected them.
I had to speak on this. I’ve heard so many women complain about not finding a good man but it’s always their egos that get in the way. A woman can have five Good Guys chasing her but because she thinks she’s the woman she wants Mr. Goodbar or the Masked Man. Then she will have the nerve to complain that there is a “shortage of good man.” She get out her ego and humble herself she will see that there are several men for her to choose from. Her ego though makes her chase that man who may dog her. Many men are told to stay in their lanes when looking for mates. That good piece of advice works both ways.
I was watching a video the other day. It was a Pickup Artist (PUA) telling a hotel hall full of men how to get women. Same old thing. I only watched a few minutes when a thought came in my head. The thought was, “That bamma don’t get no damn pussy.” At that moment I didn’t see him as many clueless virgin and involuntary celibate men saw him. Since they were paying lots of money to sit and listen to him they obviously saw him as a player, ladies’ man, Alpha Male, whateva. I doubt this bamma even got pity sex from a woman. The reason I felt this way because despite sounding confident and knowledgeable he missed one key ingredient that drives women wild. He didn’t have The Wolf.
Now what is The Wolf? To know The Wolf, one has to understand the three levels of real sexual attraction. The first level is physical appearance. The foundation of sexually arousing a person is having a good body build. No amount of political correctness will change this. Different groups of people are trying to alter this reality but movements that came about in the last fifty years are not going to change millions of years of evolution. The only law nature adheres to is “survival of the fittest.” The second level is the ability to emotionally connect with another person. Two people physically attracted to each other go on a date but find they are incompatible. The potential of a relationship is not there. Most relationship advice focuses on the first two levels whether it’s the dating coach, therapist, or Tantra Master. Then there’s a third level which no one seems to talk about. The Wolf.
The third level of sexual attraction is primal. The body and mind are at best outer representations of an inner thing. That thing is energy. It is intangible. You can’t see it. A person can most certainly feel it even it’s on a subconscious level. In a woman it is the energy that draws a man to want to impregnate her. A woman’s egg does not leave the body to find a sperm. To reproduce a woman has to entice a man to her. This energy makes a woman passive and receptive. She is a juicy fruit on a tree. Subconsciously the energy is saying to the man, “come get this fruit.” In a man, it is the energy that moves a man to take ACTION to get the fruit. The primal masculine energy makes the man assertive and aggressive. The man will only reproduce if the sperm leaves his body and enters a woman’s body in search of the egg. Thus we have The Wolf.
The Wolf isn’t that suit and tie dude flashing his money and playing up his status. The Wolf isn’t that passive aggressive dude using some type of game to get with a woman. The Wolf isn’t about the money. The Wolf isn’t about talking. The Wolf is about energy. When a woman looks at The Wolf she will feel that energy. The Wolf doesn’t have to say a word. The very presentation of The Wolf says to the woman, “I will pick you up and slam against you the wall and bang the living shit out of you. You will scream at the top of your lungs in pure ecstasy as I take you to the highest levels of orgasm. You will feel the raw lust is that is aroused by the very sight, smell and touch of you. I will take that muthafucking pussy!” All this is communicated to a woman in mere seconds. A woman sees a man radiating this type of energy and she has three orgasms on the spot.
A man knows when another man has that energy because he will either feel scared and his muscles will tense to prepare him to fight. Many men who practice what they consider to be “game” try to “out Alpha” other men in their social groups. They will use verbal putdowns to impress the women. These men don’t have The Wolf. Men who have The Wolf don’t talk much when confronting or competing with other men. Most men do not fuck with The Wolf. It’s hard to adequately describe this energy because it is primal and older than human communication. It’s like charisma, you know it when you see it. You feel it.
The Wolf is highly suppressed in this society. Men don’t really do anything to bring out The Wolf. Men can get in trouble for merely looking at a woman with The Wolf energy which is simply raw lust. It’s not just sex. The Wolf is also a fighter but how much do men really fight with their hands now? Guns are for cowards. It doesn’t take courage or heart to fire a gun at someone. The Wolf fights with his hands. That’s raw aggression. Men watch TV to watch other men be men. The Wolf is a hunter. How many men truly hunt for their food and not just for sport? Many men are becoming like women energetically. Muscular men get so much attention not because they are muscular but because there is little competition. Men are physically looking soft. And they have the nerve to wonder why women ain’t giving them no pussy.
With the Wolf being so suppressed many men are turning to money and game to make up for what they lack inside. Yeah I said it. There are many men who have nice bodies, are handsome, and they have an above average economic status. Yet they have trouble getting women. These are Masked Men who lack The Wolf. Men who rely on game have it worse. They lie to themselves thinking they are winning but if a man has to use strategy, wordplay, and quite frankly deceptive tricks they don’t have The Wolf. The Wolf can walk down the street minding his own business and have women get wet just from looking and more importantly feeling him.
If a man has to use money, game, or even looks to get women he doesn’t have The Wolf.
Now there are some men who do have The Wolf. They are the Bad Boys and Thugs out there. To be clear not every Bad Boy has The Wolf. Many of these so-called Thugs are nothing but a type of Masked Man. Anybody can get a tattoo. There are doctors and lawyers with tattoos. It’s easy to take the appearance of a rebel. I’ve mentioned before on this blog that I did a seminar with true to the game Thugs. These were men with criminal records and The Wolf. Dangerous men. Not a single one had a tattoo. Indeed from appearances alone it looked like I was at a bible study.
Getting back to Bad Boys with The Wolf the thing to understand is that the very nature of the energy makes it hard for a man to conform. It’s takes a lot of will-power. Someone with The Wolf has hard time following society’s rules. Most of the laws and customs are tools used by the elite to control the movement of people. The Wolf isn’t a sheep. The Bad Boy is seen as such because he doesn’t follow the rules. When women are drawn to Bad Boys or Thugs they are really drawn to their energy. A store clerk with the same energy will draw just as many women as a Thug. Ask me how I know.
If someone really reads my books what I do is give someone the blueprint for unleashing The Wolf. Society needs men to be men. A man’s nature is to bring order out of chaos. To bring order a man needs to maximize his potential.
Do the work and unleash the beast.
I wrote the following blog back in April 2014. In this blog I first introduced the character of "Dexter Goodbar." "Dexter" helps me to illustrate important points. In this particular blog I talked about a reality that people see but don't publically acknowledge. That reality is that many women will leave a good man but because they want to save face will not simply say, "I made a mistake." Many women are invested in the idea of being strong and being right. All they are really hurting is themselves. I wish I had a dime every time a woman told me about a man from their past that they wished they had either got with, or had never left. Of course they say this privately. Many of the women who complain publically about a "shortage of good men" know they had one at one time and blew it through their own behavior. Ironically the same "Patriarchy" that many women, particularly Feminists, complain about allows women to run from accountability for their actions. It's easier to blame the man but in all cases there are two sides to a story.
In terms of Raw Game there is a ton of it in this blog. Read this one with a third eye open.
Where are the good men?” This is a universal question asked by millions of women. Whether in the news media, social media, living rooms, beauty salons, or bars, women want to find the good men. Men usually answer by saying, “I’m right here.” Of course many women don’t agree with the men. When you think about it there is a whole industry devoted to the concept that women have trouble finding “good men.” There is another angle to this that is rarely discussed publically. The angle is that many women will have a “good man” and leave the relationship.
Now understand where I’m coming from when I say women will leave a good man. I’m not talking about a woman leaving some boring man or an abusive asshole, both of whom consider themselves good men. I’m talking about women leaving men they consider to be Mr. Right. The women will have a great relationship and think highly of their men. The women will be happy. There will be minor problems that come up because both parties are human but nothing that can’t be worked out. Thing is, though the couple can be happy, there are outside forces that can destroy a good relationship. Let me give y’all a scenario based on real-life conversations and experiences I’ve had with hundreds of women and scores of men.
Freddy and Linda Doright have been married for five years with a young daughter. Everything is good in their marriage for the most part. They don’t have the same excitement they had while dating but they still have a good time together. There are some things that could be improved. Freddy could be a little more romantic in Linda’s eyes. Instead of communicating this with him she talks with her girlfriends, Betty, April, and Doreen. Her girlfriends are all single and have a tendency to bash men.
So they start getting in Linda's ear. They magnify everything Freddy isn’t doing right. After a few months, they collectively tell Linda, “girl you deserve better.” Now Freddy is a hard worker, handsome, nice body, and committed to being a one-woman man. The sex life is even good. Yeah they could go out more but Linda never expresses her desire to do so. Freddy thinks everything is cool.
After listening to her girlfriends, Linda starts holding back on sex and minor things become major arguments. After one major argument she tells Freddy he needs to leave. So Freddy moves out and now they are separated. Her girlfriends come over to console her. After a few weeks they come over to take her on a “girl’s night out.” So they’re at the club having a good time and then HE walks up. Dexter. Dexter Goodbar. Six foot, handsome, almond eyes, muscular, a stylish dresser, with a sexy walk. Linda and her girlfriends had been checking out Dexter as he erotically danced with a woman on the dance floor. Dexter sees that he has been chosen and thus makes his move.
Dexter starts spitting that smooth game with that sexy voice. Getting Linda wet as he hits her with a verbal aphrodisiac and a piercing gaze. Next thing you know Linda is going home with Dexter. They get to his place and Linda says, “You know I usually don’t do this.” Dexter looks at Linda, grabs her hand, pulls her to him and kisses her fiercely. Next thing you know the clothes are off and Dexter is doing her. Not just doing her but doing her…WELL. Linda has several orgasms
After a month of sex with Dexter, Linda decides to file for divorce. She’s convinced she’s found her soulmate. She files the papers and tells Dexter.
Linda: I’ve filed for divorce from my husband. We can be together now.
Dexter: Together? Who told you it was like that?
Linda: We have something special together. I want to be with you.
Dexter: You better get out of here with that shit. I just wanted some pussy. Don’t get me wrong, you suck a mean ass dick but my other women got skills too.
Linda: I thought I was the only one?
Dexter: I ain’t never tell you that. You need to get your shit and go.
Linda: Just like that?
Dexter: Yeah just like that.
Linda leaves Dexter’s place feeling depressed and humiliated. She is consoled by her girlfriends, April and Doreen. She thinks she made a mistake in filing for a divorce. She thinks she should try to reconcile with Freddy. While talking with April and Doreen, Linda asks about Betty. They say that Betty has pulled away from them lately. They are not sure what’s going on with her. So where’s Betty? Hmmmm.
While Dexter had Linda’s ankles up by her head, Freddy was at his small place trying to make sense of everything. All he was doing was going to work and coming home sleeping. One day he is on a social media site and he gets a private message from Betty. She asks how he is doing. He said he’s making it. Betty said it’s too bad what’s happened and that Freddy is a good man. Ironically Betty was the main one telling Linda she needed to leave Freddy. They message each other a few more times and then talk on the phone. Betty calls him one day and asks if she can come over for a few minutes because his apartment is on the way to an appointment she has. Freddy without thinking says, “Yeah sure.”
A few hours later Freddy hears a knock on his door, when he answers it he sees a stunning sight. Betty is standing at his door with a short black dress on that shows off her perky breasts, hugs her round ass, and showcases her shapely legs. She has her hair done and some four inch heels. On top of that she is holding a plate of food talking about Freddy would appreciate a home cooked meal. Freddy takes the plate to the kitchen and when he gets back to the living room Betty has made herself at home on the couch. Freddy sits on the couch with her. Betty crosses her legs in Freddy’s direction revealing just enough thigh to make a normally reasonable man stupid. Game over.
Actually it was game over when she was standing at the door with the plate of food.
A few weeks later Linda stops by to surprise Freddy and to talk about reconciling. Linda gets the surprise though when Betty answers the door in a silk bathrobe. In one moment Linda realizes she lost a good man.
This scenario is based on conversations I’ve had with the Freddy’s and Linda’s of the world. I’ve had a WHOLE lot of conversations with the Betty’s of the world. Scandalous women like and trust me for some reason. It’s probably why I have a great understanding of women. But I digress. That’s another blog.
See many women will have a good man and not even know they have a good man. Many women out here may excel at their careers and have a lot of book smarts but will lack street smarts. Many women grow up sheltered and may not have any significant contact with men until they are young adults and out in the world. They didn’t run the streets. They weren’t going to parties. Many went through high school without a boyfriend. They were usually the awkward girls, the ugly ducklings, the late bloomers, the nerdy girls. They weren’t the party girls who have been sexually active since the age of ten and who ironically enough know a good man because they have a lot of experience with the bad ones.
Many women will get married or in a relationship without having a lot of contact with men. I don’t just mean sexual contact but contact period. Many women don’t even have male friends or even male cousins around to truly learn about the male species. So they really don’t have enough experience to know they got something good on their hands. An old school player told me when I was a teenager that he would rather marry a woman who has been with thirty men than one who has been with only two. His reasoning was that the woman who has been only two men would at some point get the urge to cheat because she would always wonder what she is missing out on. Whereas the woman who had thirty men knows most men aren’t for her and would truly appreciate a good man.
Only a true player understands that wisdom. I learned the game from street cats and hustlers. Men who could read a person better than a psychologist because their lives depended on it. Keep in mind many Pimps end up marrying their top prostitute.
In the scenario Linda’s marriage was wrecked by her “friends.” Many women think the women they have around them have their best interest at heart. Women are very competitive with each other and very bitchy. Many women will sabotage their “friend’s” relationship because they hate to see another woman happy. Jealousy is a beast. Women will say they don’t have a lot of female friends for this reason.
Another factor is that you have women who have no problem going after the husband or boyfriend of one of their friends. In fact, some women are so bad with this that you could introduce them a single man who has everything going for him but they will reject him. Yet the man becomes desirable the second he’s seen with a woman. Every single woman needs to take any advice about their man from another woman with a grain of salt.
Then there’s the Dexter factor. Most women don’t get a chance to get with that physically attractive man oozing sex appeal. There are women who had good men who provided for them and satisfied them sexually. The women would tell me they had good men and tell me how good they were. Then all of sudden that smooth man with the big chest and soothing voice walks into the scene and it’s game over. There is a sub-population of men who have that type of sex appeal. Women meet these men and their common sense goes out the door. Some women have enough sense to limit their interaction with a Dexter to a fling. Many women however think there’s something more there and leave a good man thinking there’s a future with Dexter. Of course they get their feelings hurt when they realize they were just a warm body to satisfy Dexter’s lustful nature. A few women are lucky enough to get back with their men. Most lose out because the Bettys swoop in to get that man.
Straight up, many women need to stop complaining about a shortage of good men. Many women know they had a good man and they blew it by listening to their jealous girlfriends. They know they blew something good because they wanted to chase Mr. Goodbar.
Someone without street smarts may question everything I wrote. When I tell somebody something, or post something on a message board, or text somebody some deep knowledge I will often say, “Ask me how I know.” There’s some women who knew me in the early nineties. They worked in the adult entertainment industry. If they see my picture on the internet or run into me they won’t call me Rom. They’ll call me Dexter.
No Incentive to be a Good Man
I’m going to share a major frustration I’ve had over the years. I’ve been writing books and conducting seminars on male/female relationships since 1997. Even though I’ve written some things for women my main focus has been on self-development for men. I’ve done books, seminars, and one-on-one coaching with hundreds of men from teenagers to even a few old enough to be my father. My main theme is simply standing up and being a good, responsible, honorable man. As I say in my books, a Real Man. Sounds good in theory. The men for their part are willing to listen because most of the men I have talked to have been generally good guys. Even the players I’ve talked to had generally good character traits. There’s a big problem. I can write and tell men to be Good Men until my chocolate skin turns blue. A big problem is that it doesn’t seem like the Good Men are winning as far as getting women.
Let’s be raw about it. The Bad Boys are winning the sexy woman sweepstakes. Even the Plain Janes are jumping over the Good Men in order to be in the rotation for the Bad Boys. I know this not from the men but from what WOMEN are telling me. I’m not exaggerating when I’ve said I’ve talked with thousands of women. Through seminars, and book signings I’ve met women who have told me all their business. Even on day jobs including sales jobs I’ve talked with a lot of women. Women in general say they want a monogamous Good Man but the men they have the vagina tingles for are the womanizing players. A woman can have five single and available Good Men interested in her but she is willing to be the side piece for the married Bad Boy. Publically this same woman will go to seminars or on national TV and complain about the shortage of Good Men.
This is where the problem starts. The woman may think she’s being slick and discreet with her married Bad Boy. That Bad Boy though isn’t being discreet. I want the women in particular who read this blog to understand one very important thing. No matter how discreet a woman think she is being she is still dealing with a man who is not being discreet. That man is going to tell SOMEBODY his business. I know women who can keep things quiet. Women are slicker than men when it comes to cheating. Men though are going to tell somebody even it’s just his homie. Thing is the homie is going to tell somebody else. You got all these men dry snitching on themselves to the point where it WILL get back to the Good Men. So the Good Man wonders why women are not trying to get at them but are spreading their legs wide open for a Bad Boy.
Let me share a scenario that many Good Men have shared with me over the years. The story is always the same. A Good Man will have a romantic interest in a woman and start dating her. She may kiss him but they will not be sexually intimate. She will come up with several reasons why they can’t have sex yet. Some are religious, some have to do with “90 day rules,” and most often the woman will say she has to get to know the man. The man, being good, will respect her wishes and think he has a good woman. One way or the other the Good Man finds out that this woman who he was respecting has been having sex with another man. The worst scenario is when a man catches who he thought to be his woman with another man in a sexually intimate situation. One account that was shared with me is when this man as a college student was dealing with a fellow student. He thought she was beautiful and nice, a good girl. He respected her desire to wait for sex. Yeah. His heart was broken when she walked into a room at a party and saw her with four men. She was sucking one man’s dick while another was doing her doggy style. The other two men were waiting their turns.
Here’s my thing. Good Men really have little incentive to be good. Men do what they do because they are motivated by the desire for sex. I’ve always said that you can kill a man’s desire to achieve anything in his life if you convince him that no matter what he does, he will not get sex from a woman. Men are booty-motivated. Men create because of a desire to impress women in order to get sex. Men want that reward. That’s why so many men are dropping out of society. They tried to do the right things but they weren’t rewarded. It’s something that goes back to their teenage years.
There are many teenage boys who study hard, go to church, help in the community, and stay out of trouble. Those things don’t seem to impress the young girls. If the teenage boy is deemed very cute he may still get some play. The average boy though is just that, average. The average male will not look good physically until his thirties. If you look at a lot of male Hollywood sex symbols they were geeky as teenagers. By the time a man has reached his thirties he has put some muscle on his frame or maybe lost some baby fat. Weight loss or muscle gain affects a man’s facial structure which can make him more handsome. In addition by his thirties the average man will be into his career and thus he will walk and talk with more confidence.
Now some men will become more handsome and confident but many more will just continue the pattern that was established when they were teenagers. No matter what good qualities they have or develop, they will see young girls throw themselves at a Bad Boy for no other real than he has a cute dimpled smile. The Bad Boy’s secret is not his personality despite what people think. Bad Boys get attention because of his face and/or body build. I have never in my life encountered an overweight, and ugly Bad Boy. An ugly male with Bad Boy traits is called a creep by women.
Many boys and young men see the handwriting on the wall. That the reason why a lot of young boys, especially in the Black community, do not do well in school. They don’t see the boys who are excelling academically getting the girls. They don’t see the boys who are volunteering at church getting the girls. They don’t see the boys who aren’t sagging their pants, and don’t have a bunch of tattoos winning with the girls. Somebody can make the argument that there are good boys who do win but is it because these boys are “good” or because they are very cute?
Even as adults it’s hard to tell men to be honorable and responsible when it doesn’t seem apparent that this works with women. Once again this isn’t coming from the men. When women talk about a particular man with me it is EXTREMELY rare that she talks about his character traits. Usually they are talking about his looks or his sex appeal. This is coming not only from young girls but from women old enough to be my mother. So for me that’s women in their sixties and seventies still picking men the same way they picked when they were teenagers.
I’ve mentioned this in a blog before and it bears being mentioned again. Before I wrote my first relationship book both men and women used to ask me to teach them how to be a dog. When I was younger I was very emotionally distant. It used to stimulate that sense of longing that turns many women on sexually. It was hard for me to tell a man that he needed to have good character traits when he saw me getting attention from a woman by being cold and distant. Men out here are doing all the things women say they want in man. The secret is that women want these good character traits in a man they deem to be sexually attractive. The women in the forums and on social media are only talking about fifteen percent of the male population. The average man sees this and comes to resent the select men and the women who love them.
Many men are asking, “What the point?” For most men there is no incentive to be a Good Man.
That Street Harassment Thing
Social media has been abuzz lately over the video of the young woman walking through the streets of New York and getting catcalled over 100 times. At least that’s what we’re told since apparently there was some selective editing done. Once again the subject of street harassment has been brought front and center for people to express to moral outrage over. Me being me I have looked at the issue and want to share my perspective.
The main issue with street harassment is NOT that it happens. The real issue is that women are being harassed are getting attention from men that they do not find ATTRACTIVE. If one pays attention to the commentators and videos complaining about harassment the main issue is that women are getting UNWANTED attention from CERTAIN men. I don’t say this lightly. When I speak I do so based on actual life experiences. Let me share some things.
Back in the nineties when I worked in downtown Washington, DC, I used to meet women in the streets a lot. A whole lot. I got phone numbers, dates, and sex from women I met initially on the street. Even in my books I talk about how to meet women on the street. Now to be clear the way I met women was decidedly different from walking up to a woman saying “hey beautiful,” or even “hello.” I used to meet to women at either bus stops or subway stations. Often a woman would strike up a conversation with me while sitting next to me on the bus or train. Another scenario that happened a lot is that women would simply say “hello” or otherwise just start conversations while I was walking down the street minding my own business. Even to this day an occasional woman will see me on the street or especially in a mall and say “smile.” I keep a serious look on my face most of the time.
It was extremely rare that I initiated a conversation with a woman on the street. One time I did was in the nineties when I worked near the White House. I’ll call the woman Celia. She was tall, about 5’10”, had a pretty face, and big shapely legs. Shapely legs drive me crazy. She could literally cause accidents. It was of the rare times I used real game to connect to a woman. I was walking by the bus stop when I saw her and I walked past her without saying anything. I didn’t even looked back. I just looked at my watch and noted what time she was at the bus stop. The next day she was there again and I still didn’t say anything. A few more days went like this. After a couple of days I walked by and just said “hey” and she responded by saying “hi” and we left it at that. After a few days of this I stopped and said, “We always say hi to each other. We should at least know each other’s name.” We exchanged names. A few days later phone numbers. Maybe a month or so later we went out on a date.
Now someone may say why I took my time with her. One I read the situation. The reason she was at that particular bus stop was that she was constantly getting harassed at the bus stop that was closer to her job. She was pretty and built like a brickhouse. The combination is a magnet for catcalling. I knew that men were constantly hitting on her. By walking past her without saying anything I did several things. The most important thing I did was set myself apart from other men. Then by walking past her I allowed her to get used to my face and to give her a chance to choose me. I knew she chose me when she would smile when she saw me coming. Also a very important factor was that I always had on a suit when I walked past her. This brings me back to a point I mentioned at the beginning of this blog: The main issue with street harassment is UNWANTED attention from CERTAIN men.
People who follow my blog and have read my work know I divide the male population into four major categories in terms how women see them. Two of the categories are select meaning that women will seek them out for relationships. Two of the categories are non-select in that women generally do not seek them out for relationships. The two select categories are Mr. Goodbar and the Masked Men. Goodbars are select for the most part because women find them very good looking. There are a few exceptions. Masked Men are men that LOOK successful. The two non-select categories are the Nice Guys and the Gamesmen. Nice Guys lack the looks or look of success that will turn a woman on sexually. The Gamesmen are in the same boat. Each group of men will interact differently with women on the street.
Goodbars RARELY say anything to women on the street. A man in the Goodbar category typically gets harassed by WOMEN in the streets. Some women are extremely aggressive when they see a man they find physically or sexually attractive. Ask me how I know. Goodbars also have to be concerned with gay men hitting on them. The average Goodbar will ignore all but the most physically attractive women when he is out and about.
Masked Men are not going to be inclined to say anything to women on the street. Masked Men are successful men and as a result tend to be elitist. In the eyes of men commenting on the street harassment issue on social media, blogs, and websites, most of the women complaining are average looking at best. Masked Men want trophy women. It’s very rare a successful man will be seen walking around with anything less than a woman who looks a fashion model. If a Masked Man is even on the street they will about business and will generally ignore most of the women around them.
Nice Guys are generally not going to say anything to women on the street. Nice Guys as a group are not that aggressive. They will generally be too shy to approach. At most they may look, but the average woman wouldn’t feel threatened. Nice Guys are the invisible men of the dating world. Women simply don’t see them.
Now those Gamesmen. Any real discussion about street harassment has to focus on them. Every single man I have seen in a street harassment video has been a Gamesmen. I can tell this even in cases where the faces are blurred. Goodbars will tend to have superior body builds. Masked Men will be dressed well. Nice Guys will be dressed plainly. Now please understand what I mean when say Gamesman. The Gamesman is non-select. He doesn’t have the looks or the money to attract women. He would normally be invisible to women like the Nice Guy except for one key factor: he is aggressive. At some point in his life the Gamesman realized that the only way he was going to fulfill his sexual needs was by being aggressive in his dealings with women. Formally or informally he had to learn some game. One aspect of that game is to approach as many women as possible.
Most women are going to reject the Gamesman. He knows that and is quite frankly cool with that scenario. The Gamesman if nothing else has a thick skin. It’s part of the game. Here’s the thing. Say a Gamesman says hi to twenty five women in a single day. Twenty Two of them are annoyed beyond belief and will complain about being harassed. Two of the women will engage him because it’s easier and some women do like the game. One woman will give him her phone number because the Gamesman may be the only man to show her any attention. Guess what. Twenty four women rejected the Gamesman but in his eyes he wins because one gave him her number. The Gamesman repeats this process for a month and he will end up with five to ten serious prospects. There are Goodbars and Masked Men who don’t have that many prospects in a month.
Gamesmen are going to keep talking to women in the street because in their eyes it works. Bottom line. Now there are extreme cases where a woman’s life can be in danger. People will say we have to criminalize street harassment for that reason. Okay let’s say we criminalize it. Has criminalizing rape which is a way worst crime stopped it? Has criminalizing child molestation stopped it? Even if street harassment was criminalized, which incidentally some of it is anyway as touching somebody can be considered an assault, would that stop it? A man has more to gain than to lose by hitting on women in the street. Even if the laws are on the books how often would they be enforced? Say a woman feels harassed, she calls the police, and goes back to the spot and finds the man she feels harassed her. Without witnesses or a cell phone recording it’s just one person’s word against another. Police will not be inclined to arrest someone without evidence that a crime has been committed. Also the possibility exists that someone could be falsely accused of harassment. The accused could charge the accuser with slander and maybe libel as well. As someone with experience in the court system, I can say that prosecutors will not want to be bothered with these types of cases.
Now to be clear I’m not saying just ignore street harassment. I personally believe that men should limit who they talk to on the street anyway. If a woman isn’t giving a man a blatant invitation such as a smile or she initiates the conversation he should just leave her alone. Too many men are gassing up the heads of basic women and it really isn’t worth the trouble. That’s what men need to do. Women on the other hand need to examine their own actions in encouraging street harassment. I don’t mean in terms of how they dress. Women need to look at their selection criteria. Boys evolve into Gamesmen because they no longer want to be invisible. The only way for them not to be invisible is for women to change their criteria.
Now I know women feel justified in wanting what they want. Many women feel entitled to have that pretty boy or bad boy with the killer body. Women feel entitled to successful men. What I have seen over the years are attempts to shame men into engaging with less than desirable women. One thing is shaming men into dating fat women. Even though there are men who are genuinely attracted to larger women most really are not. This is especially the case with Goodbars and Masked Men. Yet many women feel like a man should want a less than desirable woman. Friends and family will say, “She’s so nice though.” Many men can attest to feeling this type of pressure. Let’s turn this around. There’s no real pressure on a woman to take a less than desirable man. The complaints about the “shortage of good men” is really about the shortage of desirable men. The largest category of men are the Gamesmen. If women gave Gamesmen that same opportunity that they want Goodbars and Masked Men to give basic women I guarantee the incidents of street harassment would go down immensely. All these men really want is a loving relationship. Most of them are good loyal men. No they not fine nor are they likely to become millionaires. At the same time the women rejecting them are not fine nor are likely to be millionaires. In many ways women are rejecting men who are their matches.
Now let me be VERY clear. I’m not saying women need to respond to men on the street. Women do need to pay more attention to men in more proper venues such as churches, gatherings, cultural festivals, or wherever men and women gather. Another good way is good old fashioned personal introductions. If a man should give unattractive woman a chance, a woman should do the same. Sometimes people find diamonds in the rough.
The only way to truly deal with street harassment is to change the relationship culture as it exists now. Anything else is simply a waste of time and energy.
Unrealistic Romantic Expectations
So I’m bopping along in a Barnes and Noble with my sons doing what we usually do, looking at books and magazines. We had already been to the local comic book store where I didn’t see anything I wanted. As an aside for those who don’t know I’m a big comic book fan. Too bad there isn’t much out there that catches my attention. That’s another blog in a separate section of my website. Anyway while I’m walking around I pause a little bit in the romance section and just shake my head when I look at the different books, particularly the ones with BDSM themes. A certain series of books about a psychotic billionaire and an awkward girl really started some stuff. As I was looking at the books I thought about some texts I got from my friend “Roger” that morning.
I first talked about Roger (not his real name) in my “Do The Work” blog entry from a while ago. Anyway knowing him he was just finishing his morning workout after a night of doing the Lord’s Work with a now blissed out woman. For those who don’t know the term “Lord’s Work” is a code term we use in our circle for taking a woman to a higher level of sexual bliss so that she sees Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Shiva, Ausar, Galactus, the Great Pumpkin, or whatever deity she chooses to worship. Seriously though, sacred sexuality is indeed a spiritual path for some. Now I might have to do a book on that.
Anyways, Roger texted me asking if I ever watched a show called Four Weddings where women judge each other weddings and the winner gets some type of grand prize. His point was how these shows get women into some type of fantasy land. He wrote, “What’s really telling is listening to the ‘grown’ women, they sound like a 13 year old.” The texts back and forth made me think of the whole issue of romantic illusions and how they affect relationships. I touched on the issue in my blog “The Reality of Chasing Mr. Goodbar.” I need to get deeper into this issue because the reality is that women and quite frankly many men as well are chasing romantic fantasies and are missing out of fulfilling relationships.
With women it’s more obvious. Many women are chasing Mr. Goodbar or the Masked Man. Really what they are doing is chasing that perfect man. They are chasing men that match a romantic ideal Mr. Goodbar comes closest to it naturally. They will have the looks, charisma, and are challenging enough to turn women on. The heroes in the romance novels are typically Alpha Males or Bad Boys where the big deal is a woman getting one of these men to fall for them. In real life women are the real hunters. Their game though is to draw men to them. Romance novels play on that subliminal desire. Only thing in real life, true Alpha Males are “my way or the highway” type of guys who will only deal with a woman on their terms or not at all. Any successful relationship will require some type of compromise on the part of both parties. In real life Bad Boys are just that: bad. It may make a nice novel or romantic movie where a Bad Boy shows his sensitive side to the heroine and at the end declares his undying love. The reality is that the Bad Boy will likely leave the woman scarred for life.
The media is screwing up a lot of women’s heads. There are women out here rejecting decent men who love and support them for no other reason than he didn’t bring them a certain type of flower or the box of chocolates wasn’t big enough. Many women will throw the baby out with the bath water. Then they’ll get with the player who does all the romantic things but then when it’s time for the player to stand up and be a man such as when there is a family emergency and the woman needs real support, the player disappears. Another scenario is when the woman marries the romantic man then discovers she is dealing with a little boy. She didn’t gain a husband she got a son.
These issues are going to continue for the simple reason that the romantic illusions form a major part of the economy. There is a lot of money to be made. Straight up I’ve thought about learning how to write a romance novel because that’s a big industry. There are mediocre writers from a technical point view who have become millionaires from writing romance. Don’t get me started on the movie industry. I’ll use one example from the movies, Tyler Perry. Now a lot of people focus on the Medea character which in my view isn’t the main appeal of his movies. Nor is it the Christian themes. The main appeal of a Tyler Perry movie is that you will have a woman that made some unfortunate choices in life have a light-skinned blue collar pretty boy fall in love with her and he is willing to go through some crap to get with her even to the point of saving her from the evil chocolate professional brotha. (See Note)
Now I can’t let the men off the hook. Even though women with romantic illusions is obvious to any thinking human being, the reality is that many men suffer from the same issue. As far as I know there aren’t any romance novels that caters to a men’s desire but there are many examples in the media of average men with hot wives going back to the Honeymooners. Alice was fine. How she end up with Ralph Kramden? That’s a very common theme in television and movies. You have the ugly or out of shape man with the hot sexy wife. Just like women are influenced by romantic literature and movies, men have been influenced for generations by this imagery. To the point that it can be very traumatic for a man to truly realize that yes looks MATTER to a woman. Now a woman can get past looks depending on what else the man is bringing to the table but unless that man has some serious sexual skills that he manages to communicate to the woman, in most cases the average woman will reject a man just on looks. Even in cases where the man is spending money on her she will try to limit physical contact. The women who choose money over looks are usually sugar babies. Even a sugar baby will sleep with a man for free if he is good looking to her. Ask me how I know.
One community that takes advantage of men’s romantic illusions is the PUA Community which quite frankly is more of an industry led by many men and some women who have a general message of telling average to ugly men that with the proper training they too can seduce the extremely beautiful and sexy women. I will give the industry props for helping men to develop social skills which are needed. There are some realities that are not dealt with though. Too many men, regardless of how they look, think that some words and actions will cause a woman to feel attraction for them. Then when they fail they are ready to blame the instructors calling them scam artists or the women for being flaky with issues. The women just aren’t attracted to them physically and all the words, money, and status is not going to change that. Let me share the REAL reason why many of these men fail with women.
Often when men go to clubs or walking down the street they will see these hot, sexy women. They approach them with lines or their wallets out trying to impress these women. They fail miserably unless they run into a sugar baby. See the men are only seeing the surface of these women. They are seeing the woman wearing that short dress with the perky breasts, flat stomach, “dat ass,” and toned legs. What many of these men don’t see is what the women did to get those tight bodies. These women with these tight bodies usually spend hours in the gym. Very, very FEW women can maintain a tight body without working out or engaging in a physical activity. Indeed in talking with some very hot women over the years I would find out they were jocks in high school. If not jocks they had been into dance which requires the same discipline as any sport. These women DID THE WORK for their bodies. Let me share something.
The gym I go to has a lot of hot young women who are either jocks or cheerleaders. My workout is about an hour or two. There are many young women who have already worked out a good sweat by the time I get there and even when I finish a long workout they are still pushing. They don’t play either. The gym I go to has Smith Machines that are used for bench pressing and squats. When I go to the gym young women will be lined up to do squats on the Smith Machine. One petite young girl was ready to cut me when I was about to jump on the machine to do bench presses and she wasn’t finished doing squats. I kid you not.
So these women are pushing their bodies to be as fit as possible. Why would they be turned on by a man who doesn’t put in the same effort to stay in shape? One thing the Alphas and the Bad Boys will have is above average body builds.
Back on the main topic, men and women need to start dealing with reality. I know a young lady who broke this down for me. By her own admission she is a six. She’s a real cool Plain Jane who has no problem with men even very attractive ones. I asked her secret and she said, “Rom, I’m easy and I bring the beer.” She has no romantic notions about men. Many women though are in their forties and fifties still looking for a man to sweep them off their feet. I’m reminded of a passage in The Autobiography of Malcolm X:
All of that Hollywood stuff! Like these women wanting men to pick them up and carry them across thresholds and some of them weigh more than you do. I don’t know how many marriage breakups are caused by these movie and television-addicted women expecting some bouquets and kissing and hugging and being swept out like Cinderella for dinner and dancing – then getting mad when a poor, scraggly husband comes in tired and sweaty from working like a dog all day, looking for some food.
Women are passing up decent men because they are not the most romantic but want these same men when the rest of life is kicking their ass.
Men are passing up decent women because regardless of what they look like they feel because they make a little bit more money than the average man they should have the top tier women. Then want to know what happened when that sugar baby has emptied half their back account.
Let me end with this observation. The happiest couples I have seen in my life are not extremely beautiful. Even when I have seen two beautiful people together they don’t always look happy. Some of the happiest couples I’ve seen are physically homely and out of shape. Thing is they are homely and out of shape with each other. Even when the happy couples weren’t homely they shared the same subculture. One time I was doing a seminar and there was a Goth couple there and my seminar was on finding the right mate. To get deeper a person’s right mate will generally be the person they would be if they were born the opposite sex. For example, a macho, assertive man as a woman would be submissive and alluring. When I said that everybody looked at the Goth couple and started smiling. The Goths themselves gave me that head nod that told me they agreed with me. See many people are just realistic about who they are and who they can attract and they are good with it. They don't have unrealistic romantic expectations.
A big issue particularly in Black relationships and also in any non-white racial and ethnic group is that of colorism. The issues facing chocolate complexioned Black women have been well discussed such as in the documentary Dark Girls. What is not as addressed is that many of the men Black women will classify as Mr. Goodbar will tend to be light complexioned with less coarse hair, "good hair." A popular archetype in urban communities is a light complexioned pretty boy with tattoos and long hair either in a bushy pony tail or braided. Though some more chocolate celebrities are promoted as ideal (Idris Elba or Denzel Washington) the reality is that the light skin player has never really gone out of style. Like many things it hasn't been talked about publically because of an atmosphere of political correctness. Young players know what works though. The issue of colorism is something beyond the scope of this blog which in the final analysis is simply the viewpoints of this writer. Something of this scale requires a more academic approach complete with field studies, Ph.D. level research, and numerous footnotes. Though I am academically qualified to do such a project it's not something that I can give the proper time and attention that it deserves.