Category: African American

What about the Responsible Men?

10/5/2014

            So I watched Iyanla Vanzant’s “Fix My Life” on DVR early this morning. I’m an early riser and I wanted to get it in before my sons got up and hijacked the remote.   The show featured the man that has social media abuzz, Jay Williams.   For those living under a rock or just don’t care, Jay Williams is a man who fathered 34 kids with 17 women.   Iyanla did a whole series of shows on him.   Somewhere I guarantee there’s at least one producer thinking about doing a reality show about this man but I digress.   Anyway the show featured not only Mr. Williams but several other men who had fathered multiple children by multiple women.

            I had mixed feelings about the show.   I was getting hot at first because it seemed like everything was being put on the men.   See I have a problem when women complain about deadbeat men who have children with multiple women.   Indeed some will have a child with a man, know he isn’t taking care of his other children, and then have two more kids with him.   Then other women will come along, know the man has multiple kids, maybe even know the baby mamas, and STILL have a child with the man.    My issue was that women don’t take responsibility for their own actions.

            To Iyanla’s credit she later put some responsibility on the women as well.   There was a point where one of the men was confronting his mother about how she emotionally abused him as a child and how that contributed to his behavior.   It was good to see that because in looking at these issues we have to look at the entire picture.   Virtually every womanizer I have known in my life had either a jacked up relationship with his mother OR a vicious rejection by some woman when he was young.   Too much is put on the men when it’s really a vicious cycle and the only way to break the cycle is to stop pointing fingers at each other and work together for a better future.

            Talking about men creating children with multiple women isn’t the focus of this particular blog though. When I look at any issue I look it at from several angles.   I used to work as a criminal investigator and then briefly as an editor for a political website where I did a little investigative journalism.   Academically I’m very well trained in doing research.   One of the things as a true to the game investigator/researcher is that I see what is on the surface but also what is hidden.   To use a principle from The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, “Perceive those things which cannot be seen.”

            What I saw on the show was a bunch of Mr. Goodbars and a bunch of women who wanted these men to be good fathers.   An issue with that is the ability to be a good father might not have been in the psychological makeup of these men to begin with.    Too many women think having a man’s child will all of sudden make him grow up.   As many women find out after many tears and counseling later is these men really have little to no incentive to do better.   Iyanla, bless her, might be able to talk to a few men on her show and they MAY change their lives but there are thousands of men out there with the same issues who quite frankly will keep doing their part to insure their genetic lineage.

            Let me address the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to talk about in ANY of these relationship discussions ESPECIALLY those that occur in the context of Black male/female relationships.   Let’s be honest, though race wasn’t brought up in the discussion I only SAW Black men on the stage.   The issue no one wants to talk about is how come these people who are getting upset at these genetic alpha males are not asking one basic question:   Why not simply have children with the men who WILL be responsible parents?

            Stop and think about that.

            In my coaching practice and in life in general I have encountered hundreds of men, specifically Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and WANT to have a family. Men who WANT to have children and be there for them.   Some of these men will even step in to help raise the children of many of these deadbeat sperm donors if given the chance.   Women are passing over these men every day in their mad rush to spread their legs for Mr. Goodbar.   Then when these women are stuck with the responsibility of actually raising a child on their own they blame Mr. Goodbar for not being a responsible parent.

            Let me share a reality that people may or may not see.   If they do see it they don’t talk about it.   All people have a dual sexual nature.   There is the obvious carnal sexual nature which is pure lust.   It’s the drive to connect with someone because of their physical attributes.   It’s the woman being attracted to a man because of his height, body build, square jaw, and yes dick size.   It’s the man being attracted to a woman’s big breasts and phat ass.   The carnal drive doesn’t care about a person’s character, profession, social class, political leanings, or religious beliefs.   This is pure attraction.   There is a second sexual drive that’s based more on mental and emotional compatibility.   This drive is more influenced by social factors such as culture, and personal beliefs.

            The average man will look for a woman that satisfies both of his sex drives.   He will openly look for a woman that turns him on physically but one that also fits his social criteria.   Women, on the other hand don’t have the same freedom.   They are encouraged to find men who fit their social criteria but western culture as it is now tries to suppress a woman’s carnal desires.   Women will still go for what they want physically but not in the same way as men.    This is where the problem comes in.

            A woman will meet Mr. Goodbar.   She’s turned on sexually. Her vagina is buzzing.   Mr. Goodbar is making the woman smile and feel good.   He’s fun to be with.   Mr. Goodbar probably doesn’t match her social criteria but that’s okay as long as the orgasms keep coming.   So the woman is having her good time but three things generally happen.   One, a woman will recognize the temporary nature of the relationship with Goodbar and simply move on to something more serious.   These are the more sensible women.   Two, the woman will marry the Goodbar and then realize that socially they are incompatible.   Three, they will have a baby and the reality that Goodbar is a deadbeat will become apparent.   The last two things is where the problems come up.

            Many women have a delusion that this man who they are having sex with because he is so fine, and so much fun, will all of a sudden become responsible with marriage or a baby.   Most of the time it will not happen.   Too many women make decisions based on the romantic tales playing out in their minds.   They knew Mr. Goodbar was a reckless pretty boy with a big dick when they got with him. That was part of his appeal.   Now it’s time to get serious and that fine man-child with the nice stroke isn’t following the script.   Then the women go on a national TV show and try to shame and cajole the man-child into growing up and being a responsible man. I call bullshit on all that.

            If a woman really wanted a responsible man she should mate with that type of man to begin with.   The responsible men already have the skillset to be good husbands, providers, and parents.   There are millions of men and let’s be specific, Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and family orientated.   The women are getting outraged over a FEW men who have multiple children by multiple women. What about the responsible ones?   To me the bigger issue, especially in the Black community, should be why are so many responsible Black men are single AND childless?   I would love to see somebody’s national show deal with this issue.   I already know what the real deal is though.   Another one of those big-ass elephants in the room.

            When I was watching Iyanla this morning, and saw the fathers my first thought was, “oh a Goodbar convention.”   Other than when I was working a gym where a bunch of male strippers used to work out, it’s rare I see that many Mr. Goodbars in the same place.   Somebody has to say it.   The only reason that a man is going to be able have multiple children by multiple women is because he is able to appeal to the carnal nature of these women.   In most cases he is PHYSICALLY appealing to these women.   Objectively speaking, the men on stage were physically attractive to multiple women.

            See I’ve had conversations with literally thousands of women about their preferences in men.   Publically women will talk about the social criteria they want in men which typically responsible men fulfill.   Now the responsible men are barely getting attention.   The reason is that in the eyes of many women these men are not physically attractive.   Now I’ve gone on record as saying a man with sex appeal can trump a man with good looks.   The thing is that only a very tiny percentage of men have that type of ethereal sex appeal.   The sex appeal of most men is based on their physical appearance be it handsome face, height, or muscular body. They have to at least look good to a particular woman.

            This is the conversation we need to really have.   Too many women want that good-looking man whose smile they want for their sons to be a responsible parent.   It might not happen.   The women then run to the men who are not as attractive to raise their pretty children and many men are RIGHTFULLY not trying to sign up for that.   Now some women may feel like they only want to deal with Mr. Goodbar. Okay.   Just don’t get mad because sixteen other women want to have a baby with with the same man.

            If we really want to solve the relationship issues, especially in the Black community, we HAVE to address the issue of the large number of single responsible men.

            That dialogue is long overdue.

1 Comment

September 14th, 2014

9/14/2014

11 Comments

The Masked Man

8/31/2014

3 Comments

            All right I’ve talked about Mr. Goodbar to death.    People get it that there are a small percentage of men who have the raw ability to sexually arouse many women.   Thing is that Mr. Goodbar does indeed represent a SMALL percentage of the male population. We’re talking at most ten percent.   Obviously they are not the only ones getting the attention of multiple women. Just below Goodbar on the sexual hierarchy are the Masked Men.   This group of men represents maybe 25 percent of the male population.   They are not desired because of their raw sex appeal like Goodbar but they have enough looks to arouse women to some extent.   To qualify as Masked Men they have to have some money and status as well.

          See the mask is not about a man putting on a façade so much. It’s more about what the WOMAN sees when she looks at the man.   The woman doesn’t see pretty eyes, a flat stomach and a big package when she looks at a Masked Man. Even if the Masked Man has these things, which many do, women don’t see raw sex appeal when they look at this class of men.   Women will look at the Masked Man and see that he has a nice suit on which means he may be a professional. They see that he is driving a late model car which means he has some money. They see that he speaks and carries himself a certain way which means he may have some status. Masked Men are what women look for when they get tired of dealing with Mr. Goodbar.

             Most women see Mr. Goodbar as good for sex and nothing more.   Women chase Mr. Goodbar from their teenaged years to maybe their early thirties.   A few women never really stop chasing Mr. Goodbar like these women in their fifties who blatantly flirt with young boys thinking they’re still sexy.   As an aside these older women aren’t sexy to these young boys, just easy.   I may do a future blog on that subject but I digress.

              Women with a little bit of sense eventually outgrow Goodbars.   Six pack abs don’t mean anything when the bills become due.    Multiple orgasms are one thing but when the car breaks down and the repairs cost over a thousand dollars that good dick isn’t helpful to the average woman.   After they come down from that orgasmic high the car still needs to be repaired.   Goodbar may not be able to help even if he wants to.   Many Goodbars don’t have much going for them outside of sex appeal.   Many are living with their mamas or being sponsored by some older woman.   Many can’t keep steady jobs because they are going in and out of so many women that their work experience doesn’t go beyond minimum wage jobs.   The more thuggish Goodbars may have money from illegal hustles but despite what many people think most street hustlers don’t make that much money.   The reality is that someone working at a burger joint makes more money than the average street cat.   My point in all this is to say that Mr. Goodbar is more a romantic dream but then that alarm clock goes off and the woman has to deal with real life.   That’s when the Masked Man becomes more attractive.

            So women start looking for that educated professional or in the case of lower social classes that blue collar cat that looks like he is making money.    Women in general after they go through their Goodbar phase start looking for a successful man with money.   Some women will say they are looking for someone “with benefits.”   In the Black community in particular someone may say they are looking for a “BMW,” – a “Black Man Working.” I’m not sure about an equivalent term in other communities though the Masked Man thing is prevalent wherever western culture is practiced.   Indeed in the white community the line between Goodbar and the Masked Man is EXTREMELY blurred. Now that’s a topic I would have to get into some deep metaphysical knowledge to fully explain.   A few African and Native American Shamans know the great secrets though. I won’t share it here. Y’all not ready.

            Back on topic, the Masked Man becomes most desirable to women when they want a more stable and grown up relationship.    They want a stable home life and someone who can provide the resources for that home life.   The women have that biological clock ticking and will want a responsible successful man to be the father.   Some women may already have children and want a responsible, successful man to be the stepfather.    A game some women will run is to get pregnant by Goodbar and then try to act like the Masked Man is the father.   In my opinion that’s why paternity testing should be mandatory.   For this reason many very successful men will get vasectomies.

            So you get the idea that women go for Masked Men for their money and status.   Funny thing is that women in private, in the media, and in public forums, will loudly proclaim they want these men.   Indeed on social media there will be memes designed to shame Masked Men into wanting a woman regardless of her physical appearance and emotional baggage.   In many ways and situations a woman will get angrier with a Masked Man for rejecting her than Mr. Goodbar.   The average woman doesn’t have any expectations from Goodbar beyond good sex.   They are looking at the Masked Man, however, as that good catch. He’s the good man they are speaking of when they say there is a shortage.   The Masked Man is marriage material. A woman’s biggest problem with the Masked Man is that he is not cooperating with her expectations.   In my observation a woman is more likely to get dogged by a Masked Man than by Mr. Goodbar.   Let’s get into why I have this observation.   I’ll need some help with this one, so I’ll turn to Eric Money. I introduced the character of Eric Money in some previous blogs as a successful man.   I didn’t really get into his backstory though.

            Eric Money as a teenager was skinny and awkward.   He wasn’t the most popular boy in the neighborhood or in school.   When girls texted each other about cute boys his name didn’t come up.   In the locker room after gym class he didn’t have any stories or good lies about the girls he had been with like the jocks and thugs told.   Eric was just someone who was very good academically.   The teachers and older women in the community saw his value but the girls were more interested in the popular boys.   Eric went through his four years in high school without getting so much as a kiss.

            Things got a little bit better for Eric in college.   He managed to have sex with a couple of Plain Janes but those were flings that didn’t materialize into relationships as the Plain Janes were more interested in Frat Boys and Jocks.   They made it very clear to Eric not to get his expectations up. They both said that he’s a “Nice Guy but…”    Eventually Eric graduated college and got a well-paying job as a financial advisor.   The women were still not feeling him even with the extra money.   Many went on dates with him and pretended to like him so he would spend money on them.   The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he took a woman on a date and then after the date took her to a house different from where he picked her up.   She gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to the house where a buffed man answered the door wearing nothing but shorts.   It was a defining moment for Eric.   His view of women changed.   Eric was at a crossroads and decided to change his life.

            So Eric started reading books and blogs about being successful with women.   After reading all the information Eric went into a period of transformation.   He started hitting the gym to put muscles on his skinny frame.   He developed a better understanding of a woman’s inner nature.   The most important thing he did though was stay focused on his career and stopped letting basic women interfere with his self-esteem and life goals.    Within a period of a few years Eric was able to put on forty pounds of muscle. He upgraded his wardrobe and personal grooming.   Eric started to hang out in more affluent circles as he moved into a house in an upper class neighborhood and only drove late model luxury cars.   The main thing he did was to begin to hold the women he dealt with to higher standards. Before his transformation Eric had genuine interest in women who rated at best as sixes on the 1 -10 scale.   After his transformation he would give barely give women who rated below an eight the time of day. He wouldn’t even look their direction while out and about.    Of course as a result of that dynamic more women became interested in him.

            Incidentally I just gave away some game.

            Eric transformed into a fully realized Masked Man.   No he’s not drop dead handsome.   Even with the extra muscles he doesn’t have a great body which would cause a woman to want to take off her panties thinking as the meme says, “I won’t be needing these.” What women see is a man whose demeanor and self-confidence communicates the message that “yes I can succeed and provide resources. Yes I would make a stable husband.”   The panties will come off for a different reason. Now here’s where it gets interesting with Masked Men. Women are choosing them but the Masked Men are not choosing them back.

            Here’s a reality that women need to grasp.   Truth be told women tend to get mad when this reality is pointed out to them.   Many don’t want to hear it. Too bad. Women need to get their heads out of the sand because what I’m about to share is a very real dynamic.   Many women will reject a man for many reasons.   Admittedly some reasons are very good but many are frivolous. The rejection itself might not be that bad. It’s part of life.   I personally say that a man can learn a lot from a rejection. Rejection helps a man to grow. The problem though is that many women can’t just graciously reject a man in way that leaves his self-esteem intact. Many women will reject a man in a mean-spirited way.   Many women will purposely try to hurt a man’s feelings.   For what? All he did was find them attractive and work up the courage to approach them.   A woman doesn’t have to want a particular man but don’t make him feel bad that he isn’t tall with a six-pack and pretty eyes.   Yet many women have no problem rejecting a man harshly. Too bad many women don’t understand a simple universal principle: What goes around comes around.

            When men are rejected they may get out of a particular woman’s face but they don’t really go away.   Some men learn how to game women and become straight up dogs.   They learn to treat women in a poor way.   A woman may reject a particular man and that man turns around and dogs another woman.   Some degenerate men may dog that woman’s teenaged daughter even though he’s forty.   In the case of the Masked Men he never forgets what made him into what he is.

            Here’s a very common scenario that virtually every Masked Man has shared with me.   Even a few Goodbars have talked about this as well.   Here’s the scenario. When a woman is young, pretty and sexy she will reject a particular man who wanted her badly.   The man is typically put in the friend zone so it’s not a case of a man randomly approaching a sexy woman on the street.   The young sexy woman knows the man very well.   She even likes the man to some extent but for a number of reasons does not want a relationship with him.   Even Goodbars will experience this with at least one woman.   Rejections like this hurt the man more than a rejection by a random woman on the street.   At some point the man moves on to more receptive women.   The sexy woman and the man typically fall out of contact with one another.

            Now a few years later that woman runs into the man she once friend zoned.   The man is now more muscular and confident.   He’s a successful Masked Man, well dressed and moving through the world with authority.   The woman on the other hand has put on some pounds and has taken some emotional hits from dealing with a few Goodbars and maybe a Demon Lover. She also has a child from one of the Goodbars who refuses to acknowledge the child.   She’s struggling in life and she sees this man who always adored her and waited for a long time for her to return his feelings.   At that point she finds this man she had friend zoned as VERY attractive. She starts flirting and the nicer Masked Man may let her down easy.

            The meaner ones will say, “Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit.”

            Once a man gets to a point where he is suddenly desirable after many years of being seen as undesirable he doesn’t all of sudden want the women who rejected him when he was younger.   That may work in a romantic comedy and a novel.   In real life it doesn’t fly.   Now a few Masked Men may have sex with the women who once rejected them in order to dog them out but most will simply not want to be bothered.

            There’s more to be said about the Masked Man. We’re talking about complex individuals.   I mean women find them attractive for their material possessions and their status but what about the man underneath the mask.   Also a reality is that beyond sex a Masked Man really doesn’t have a need for women. I’ll get into all that my next blog.

3 Comments

August 10th, 2014

8/10/2014

4 Comments

Why I Don't Teach Game Part 1

6/14/2014

0 Comments

            For years before I even thought about writing relationship books, men and surprisingly many women would say to me, “Rom teach me how to be a dog.”   I didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted.   After the umpteenth person asked me for advice, I wrote a pamphlet for the ladies called, “Finding a Good Man.”   A couple of years later I wrote a pamphlet called “Nice Guys Guide: Meeting and Attracting Beautiful Women.” The Nice Guys Guide eventually evolved into Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Women Want.   In Nice Guys and Players (NGAP) I gave advice to men on how to transform themselves into the type of man that women GENERALLY find attractive.   I didn’t tell a man how to become a player. A careful reading of NGAP will show that I actually discourage men from becoming players. I’m a big advocate of sexual discipline especially for men classified as Mr. Goodbars.   Specifically I don’t teach game.

            Now there have been numerous definitions of that thing called “game.” Everything from having basic common sense to straight up manipulation has been called “game.”   My definition of game is simply tactics a person uses in sexual seduction.   Seduction itself means to “lead astray.” In other words getting someone to do something they wouldn’t normally do.   I don’t even teach seduction to close friends. At best I may teach my sons some things if I see they have trouble with women. I doubt they will though because little girls been scheming on them since they could walk.   With my youngest before he could walk.   I fathered a couple of Pretty Rickys. I will definitely teach them about the pregnancy game girls run.   But I digress.

            Now I’m going to get a little personal in this blog. Part of it is therapeutic to deal with my own demons and part of it is that I want people to understand the importance of functional relationships. I want people to understand why I keep certain information to myself.   There are many books, magazine articles, dating coaches, and seduction gurus who teach what they call game.   99 percent of the information presented is rudimentary and from my perspective laughable.   People follow this advice and then wonder their relationships are still jacked up. Many people find that their relationships actually become worse.   That’s because many of the so-called experts have little practical insight into the human psyche even in cases where they have professional credentials.   Many of these professionals either have problems finding mates or have dysfunctional relationships.

            Now there are two basic reasons why I don’t teach game.   The first is that on many levels it would be a con job for me to do so.   As I mentioned people used to ask me to teach them how to be a dog.   Now I could write a book on how to be a dog.   I could do videos. I could rent out hotel ballrooms and charge several hundred dollars per head.   I could make a lot of money. It would all be some bullshit.   Say I did a seminar and 1000 men attended. Out of those 1000 men maybe 3 would get anything out of the seminar.   The only reason they would get something is that they were already there anyway. In other words I would only be confirming what they already knew anyway.   The men who get the most out of NGAP are the Pretty Boys, Street Cats, and Thorough Dudes. They get the most because I’m confirming what they already know. NGAP is written from a Goodbar’s perspective.   Nice Guys have been and are the harshest critics of the book. The few Nice Guys who learned from my book had some Goodbar in them that had to be brought to the surface.

            Another reason I say it would be a con job for me to teach game has to do with how I got women.   Most of it has to do with physical appearance.   There are many dating coaches who loudly proclaim that looks don’t matter. A few will say that looks matter but not as much as game.   Both camps are whack. Physical appearance is more than half the battle. Personally I would rate it as 60 - 75 percent of the equation.   That’s not a scientific statement, just a personal observation.   Now when people were asking me to teach them some things they did so because in their eyes I seemed to have an easy time attracting women.   Truth be told some women I’ve had sex with have asked me to teach them some things.   Thing is I didn’t tell them anything. The reason I got and still get the attention I do is because of my physical appearance.   I’m a 5’11”, 210 pound, buffed, chocolate Black man. I’ve always received compliments on my body. I have never been called fine. I’ve been called cute at best.   Women really like my eyes though. I get stares and hellos from random women, including teenaged girls when I’m out in public.

            As a result of my physical appearance I appealed to a wide variety of women from around the world.   For example I appeal to many women from West Africa and the Caribbean. I know a young lady from Nigeria who affectionately refers to me as “Ibo-Man” because to her I look like a member of the Ibo ethnic group.   I also appeal to Asian women mainly because of my eye shape which is almond. There’s a deeper science there which I may get into with another blog. See my grandmother was nicknamed “China Girl” when she was young and maybe a quarter of her descendants look Blasian (Black and Asian). My youngest son when his head is shaved can pass for a Tibetan child. A little known and unexplored aspect of African-American history is that when Chinese workers came to America in the 19th century to help build the railroads they were primarily men. In many cases these Chinese men married and had children with Black women. It is a phenomenon that’s happening in Africa right now. But once again I digress.

            Now there is also a class aspect to the physical appearance piece.   Not only did I use my genetic physical appearance to attract women but I enhanced it with the clothes I wore.   Now I’m an entrepreneur with a modest day job to keep basic bills paid.   Back in the day, I was a professional with two degrees. I looked and lived the part.   Plus I wore glasses on a more regular basis back then.    I was an educated Black man with nice eyes and buffed body.   As result I was able to cast a big net attracting not only educated African American women but upper middle class white women and a few middle class Latinas.   That’s why I call bullshit when Black men get on social media and complain about Black women chasing thugs. Some do but they tend to be crazy and lower class.   The African American women I attracted were primarily AKAs and Deltas, who wouldn’t give a thug the time of day. Based on nothing but physical appearance.

            For someone to attract the way I did, they would need to have my same physical package as well as the financial ability to enhance that package with stylish clothing as well as my educational background. Now someone can improve where they are. Quite frankly though the average man will never be able to attract a great number of women. At best most men will be fortunate to find that one special woman who finds them attractive and interesting enough to pursue a relationship.

            The physical piece is one thing. The second reason I don’t teach game is because game, no matter how someone tries to frame it, is nothing but psychological manipulation.   I’ve had some reviews of NGAP which called the information basic. I even had one idiot say to me, “I don’t think you know how to get girls.”   I just laughed and told him that if he really knew how to get girls better than me he wouldn’t have had to buy my book in the first place.   I could tell by the look on his face that I rocked his world with that comment.   Anyway I don’t teach psychological manipulation because of the circumstances of how I learned the game. In the past I have said that I learned the game from sex workers and street cats as a teenager and young adult.   I told some half-truths because I learned the game during a period of my life I don’t like talking about with close friends, women I’ve been intimate with, or even family members.

            From the age of six until I was ten I lived in the Anacostia section of Washington, DC. I lived with my mother and sister and our financial situation was unique.   Though we lived in a house owned by my Grandmother, we received welfare.   The situation was unique in that while my immediate family was poor, my extended family including my Grandmother were more upper middle class. My Grandmother owned several properties while my Grandaunt owned a beach home. My Uncle owned horses. As a 4 year old I had a pony named Hacksaw because he had extra-long hoofs that had to be cut.   On one hand I saw and lived the best of life. On the other hand I saw it at its worse.

            I was six or seven years old when my mother had a nervous breakdown.   She already had mental health issues and I have a memory of her being institutionalized briefly when I was two years old in California. My sister and I stayed in some type of group home while our mother was in the hospital. I specifically remember trying to look out for my sister because though she was older she was labeled mentally retarded.   Looking back she was likely autistic but this was during the sixties when autism awareness didn’t exist.   Imagine a two year old trying to look out for anybody other than himself. Yeah. Anyway when my mother had that nervous breakdown, my childhood effectively ended. From that time forward I had to think like adult.   To get a perspective on this check out this website.   Now I was a smart kid at that time, even considered gifted by some teachers.   At seven I was teaching myself Spanish and I read at a high school level. I was book smart but I had to become street smart.

            Life got interesting after my mother’s breakdown.    A mentally ill person living in the midst of an underclass population is a terrible combination.   Before her nervous breakdown my mother had fairly functional friends and associates. I emphasize the words “fairly functional” as most of her friends were other mental patients from a well-known mental institution in DC called St. Elizabeth’s which was near our home.   They were actually cool though eccentric.    They probably wouldn’t be institutionalized under today’s standards but would likely be members of some fringe subculture featured on a reality show. After my mother’s breakdown her associates were members of the criminal underclass.   These were the type of men and women who lived off of petty crimes and hustles.   And apparently they saw an easy mark in my mother because she pretty much opened the house to these individuals.   It got to the point that they came and went like they lived there. My mother would just sit at a table and laugh with her invisible friends.   Eventually it got to the point where the local Child Protective Agency had to remove me and my sister from the home.   We were placed in my Grandmother’s custody and were technically her foster children.

            Now what does this have to do with game?   First of all, I was living among the underclass. Underclass folk regardless of race tend to pay attention to everything especially people.   You have to pay attention to little things when you’re around people who could potentially harm you.     I witnessed a couple of stabbings.   There were some sexual predators around there I needed to know how to avoid.    An older man had grabbed me one time. Fortunately a kick to his balls took care of that. So I was developing a very good ability to read people.   I’ve mentioned reading people before in print but I wasn’t forthcoming in how I developed the ability. So on one aspect I learned how to see past a person’s masks.   Women have commented that I have piercing eyes.   Now you know why.

            Seeing a person’s emotional state is one thing. Manipulating it was another thing.   That education came from some of my mother’s “friends.”   My mother was very stunning despite her issues. In the late fifties before I was born she worked as a model at a local department store in DC.   Think about it, a Black woman who got paid to be a model in the late fifties. She actually had plans to open a modeling school.   So with her looks she had zero problems attracting men.   Unfortunately the men were lowlifes except for a couple before her breakdown. One I’ll call Ben lived with us for a few months.   He was pretty cool.   His other women caused some drama with my mother though and she kicked him out.   Then she dealt with this man I’ll call Carl. Imagine a heterosexual Omar Little from The Wire and you had Carl.   He would take me out with him sometimes and talk to me about life. Carl was a street soldier. He lived by a code. Learned a lot from him.   After Carl my mother only dealt with lowlifes who weren’t worth remembering.

            I really learned a lot about manipulation from my mother’s women friends.   Let me school the reader for a second. In my blogs I often mention “street cats.”   The assumption may be that I’m talking about men.   Most of the street cats I knew were women.   If you look at a Lion’s Pride, the male lion is lazy. He just eats, sleeps, and fucks. Every now then he might fight some hyenas. In a Lion’s Pride it’s the females that hunt for the food.   In human society many players and hustlers aren’t men.   There’s a whole lot of women who are getting money, cars, and even houses out of men.   These are the type of women who REALLY know how to manipulate people.   When it came to the women who crashed at the house they gave me deep insight into a woman’s nature.   One of the women was a butch lesbian who interestingly enough would get with men every now and then. I know because I walked in on her and a man having sex. The woman who I’ll call Sheryl used to just sit and talk with me sometimes.   Now I was cool with Sheryl.  She actually had a maternal spirit underneath her tough exterior. One of the lowlife men who came around looked at me and my sister a little too intently.   I told Sheryl, she looked at me and said, “I deal with it Rommy.”   I don’t know what she did but I do know the lowlife didn’t come around anymore. For that reason I never say or write anything negative about butch lesbians.

            Now don’t get it twisted, Sheryl and her friends were no strangers to the criminal justice system as I was informed when the police were removing us from the home.   They were predators, pure and simple.   These people preyed on weakness.   They knew how to push anyone’s buttons.   For whatever reason they gave me insights to do the same.   Now I could teach people to do the same but for what? To create even more dysfunction?   I’m working to create positive relationships.   I can make it easier for someone to get into a functional relationship. I will tell a person to work on their physical presentation.   I will tell them to work on parts of their personality to make them more emotionally compatible with someone. I won’t tell them how to game someone.

            The only thing I will do with regard to game is tell someone who I feel is receptive to my insight is how to avoid getting played. There was a lady I knew I’ll call Evelyn. Now Evelyn was married and very classy.   She had that Michelle Obama type of vibe.   I saw her at an event and we talked for a few minutes.   Just small talk between acquaintances.   Keep in mind I didn’t know her that well.   As I was about to walk away I said to her, “Evelyn be careful now cause you’re a good woman but right now you’re very likely to cheat on your husband.” She looked at me for a second and said, “You’re right Rom. Here’s why you’re right.” We then spent the next hour talking about issues she was having in her marriage.   Keep in mind that she said NOTHING in our brief initial conversation that gave an indication about marital problems.   I just read her body language.

            One other issue is that most people don’t want to listen anyway.   They have an image of a street cat or a player and since I don’t look like either one they think I’m just some square dude like they are. I’m basically clean cut, with no earrings or tattoos.   Let me actually share some game with y’all.   All these cats who tattoo themselves and want to be about that life are stupid.    One thing I learned in when I was around the street cats when I was little was how not to draw unnecessary attention to myself.    One way law enforcement tracks people is by their tattoos.   That’s like a fucking brand.   If the police are looking for somebody and they know the person has say a star tattoo on their neck all they have to do is go around and say, “Have you seen someone with a star tattoo on their neck?”   Someone will have seen that person and give them up especially if there is a reward.    I learned how not to draw attention to myself.   I didn’t just learn from my mother’s “friends.”   There were some thorough cats in the neighborhood.   One dude I’ll call Kevin was like a ghetto Ninja. That brotha could hide in plain sight and could shake anybody trying to follow him. There’s another cat I keep up with from that neighborhood I’ll call Cedric. Ironically I didn’t know him then. His sister was my classmate in elementary school and we used to hold hands on class trips as travel buddies. Cedric is one of those dudes that would scare Jack Bauer. Good thing I never disrespected his sister. You know I might need to write a book about my time in Anacostia.

            There’s so much more I need to say about why I don’t teach game.   This blog is just part 1. I’m going have to come with a part 2.   I’m going have to tell y’all about the Demon Lovers.

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The Good Man Shortage - The Real Deal

5/18/2014

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            “Where are all the good men?” “The good ones are either married, gay, or in prison.” “The good ones have ten women each.”   One of the most consistent themes in the relationship discussions is the shortage of good men. A whole industry has developed around this theme.   Although it is most discussed within African-American circles, it is a universal theme wherever Western culture is present.   For women the issue is that they can’t find a good man.   For men the issue is how come women pass over good men who are right in front of them.

            When men hear the term, “good man” they think in terms of hardworking men, who are decent, good citizens who would treat women with kindness.   They are thinking in terms of character traits.   Indeed when women publically discuss “good men” they too will speak in terms of character traits.   Depending on the social class the definition may include being gainfully employed or having a college degree.   There’s a problem with all of this.   If a “good man” is someone with good character traits as well gainfully employed and educated there shouldn’t be too many complaints from women.   There are millions of single, never-married, employed, educated, and heterosexual men out there.   Women seem to look past these men. Now many men believe that women don’t know a good man when they see one.   I strongly disagree. Women ALWAYS know a good man when they see one.   The issue is the true definition of a “good man.”

            In my last blog, “The True Player’s Secret,” I discussed the difference between a woman’s social needs and her sexual needs.   A woman’s social needs and sexual needs often contradict each other especially in a culture that works to suppress a woman’s sexuality.    When women talk about a “shortage of good men” they don’t mean in a social sense.   There are plenty of available men who women consider socially good.   Women don’t consider these men good in a sexual sense.   “Good man” is really womanese for “good-looking,” “sexy as fuck,” “damn he fine,” and “he could get it.”   When women complain about a shortage of good men they are simply talking about men who can turn them on sexually.

            Most men are very honest in the sense that they say publically they want good looking and sexy women. Even men who identify themselves as nice guys will say they want, and even in some cases feel entitled to, sexy women.   Too me it’s stupid to believe that women are not the same way.   I consistently hear men and less than honest women say that women don’t care as much about looks.   I’ve even said it in moments of delusion.    Women care very much about looks because they are sexually turned on by men’s looks.   Yes women will have sex with unattractive men but it’s usually for the same reasons a man will have sex with an unattractive women.   Sometimes people just need some.    By nature women are always LOOKING to be aroused by men.   When women check out a man it’s not because they are necessarily interested in him.   They are looking for a sexual spark.   It is often said that a woman makes a determination about a man within the first few minutes of meeting him.   That determination is not based on the man’s character traits or his financial portfolio.   The determination is based on the man’s face, body, dick print, voice, smell, and body language. If the woman feels a sexual spark she may give the man a chance to proceed further. If she doesn’t she keeps walking.

            When a woman looks at a man with her sexual face she is subconsciously thinking two things: potential father of her children and a very pleasurable sexual experience. Consider a quote from my book, Sexual Chemistry:

            Men do many things to attract the attention of women.   They flash money, tell lies, and even try to intimidate women into going out with them.   If, however, one were to strip away everything else, a woman’s primary attraction to a man is not going to be based on things such as money, status, or even personality. The attraction will be primal.   The men women will go for, indeed throw themselves at are the ones who are the most healthy and appear to be the strongest.   It’s really no different from female animals that only mate with the healthiest and strongest males in order to have the strongest offspring. Of course, other factors come into play with regard to humans but that primal dynamic underlies everything.   Women, at a primal level, are looking for a man with the best genes to father their children. The men perceived as having the best genes will arouse women the most.   No matter how sophisticated we get, no matter how many books we read, no matter our spiritual or political beliefs, women are looking for the healthiest male with the best genetic material.

Sexual Chemistry pp. 69 -70

**************

           People often talk about alpha males.   See women in general want alpha males but not social alpha males.   There are plenty of men who are socially confident, successful, and are leaders.   Many of these men either have trouble finding women, are partnered with unattractive women, engage in alternative sexual lifestyles, or frequently pay for sex.   Sex tourism or paying for a dominatrix isn’t cheap. According to the prevailing wisdom these men should be at the top of the sexual pecking order but they are not. They are social alpha males but women don’t want them. Women get that tingle in their vaginas when they run into sexual alpha males.

         Most sexual alpha males are not successful captains of industry.   Many sexual alpha males come from poor and working class environments.   This is why there is the belief that women only want bad boys or thugs.   It’s not so much that these men are actually thugs but more of a perception based on class differences. Many men who self-identify as nice guys or good men have middle class backgrounds and attitudes or at least have adopted them. There is a tendency to look down on men from poorer backgrounds.   The middle class nice guys will wonder why women are going crazy over men from the underclass. It has nothing to do with the attitudes or behaviors.   It’s about the physical nature of these men.   An upper class man with the same physical body and presence would get as much attention.

          Years ago I worked at a gym where several sexual alpha males worked out.   Of course all the male members weren’t sexual alpha males.   Maybe 25 percent of the men qualified.   It was an interesting mix of social classes, backgrounds, and occupations.   Among the sexual alpha males there were male strippers, drug dealers, police officers, blue collar men, business owners, former college athletes, and senior management types.   Women used to join the gym just to get at these men.   Membership sales were easy for me. I would take a woman through the areas where the most men worked out. These sexual alpha males helped a brotha feed his babies.   Now the only thing these men had in common was their body builds.   That’s it. They had different personalities, they weren’t thugs (the drug dealers were more high level)   and they were definitely different social classes.   One of them once said to me about pulling women, “Rom, it’s too easy.”   He said this after a phat booty young lady handed him her phone number without him asking.

        At the gym there were some men who would qualify as social alpha males because of their social class, education, and occupations.   They also tended to be married to very attractive women.    Women who complain the most about a shortage of good men are often middle class and formally educated.   Their real complaint is that there are not enough men who are middle class and formally educated who can also turn them on sexually.   When I was promoting my first book, Nice Guys and Players, I had many middle to upper class African American women buy the book.   The basic premise of Nice Guys and Players is that women want a man who is socially acceptable but also sexually pleasing.   Many women can find a man who can get them wet but for several reasons they may not be able to be seen publically with him.

        There’s a lot I can say about this issue. I may write a book on this subject because the social/sexual dynamics of the “Good Man Shortage” are quite fascinating.   For now I say that the discussion about the “Good Man Shortage” needs to be an honest one.   Most relationship discussions focus of the social side of relationships but not on the sexual side. If people are serious about creating better male/female relationships the sexual side must be addressed.

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The True Player's Secret

5/11/2014

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            One of the greatest mysteries of life is why a small group of men seem to have sex with a multitude of women while a large percentage of men struggle to get a simple hello from the same women. This issue is addressed from many different angles notably dating coaches.   Doesn’t work too well for most men though. Many quite frankly have been scammed out of thousands of dollars and in many cases have a worse time relating to women.   The reason is that most men have the wrong perspective. There is the belief that women are not as interested in sex as men.   This is a universal false belief.   Women want sex as much as and in many cases more than men.    Let me give my view on things.

            All people have two faces. They have a social face and a sexual face.   The social face of a person is what the public sees. When I say public I include friends and family.   This is the outer person that works, goes to church, shops for groceries, and appears to be a stable member of society.   The sexual face is the person in the bedroom who engages in threesomes and alternative sexual practices.   The point is that the sexual face may be different or even contradictory to the social face.   Now here’s the interesting thing.   For many men their social face and their sexual face are nearly the same.   There is no real stigma for men to express their sexuality.   It’s even encouraged in certain venues such as the sports fields and construction sites.   Not so with women.   Most women only show subtle hints of their sexual face and in many cases are shamed by men for even showing that little bit.   As a result the average man confuses a woman’s social face for her sexual face.

            When most men approach women they try to appeal to her social face thinking it will trigger sexual attraction.   The average man will try to show that he is SOCIALLY dominant by talking about his status, or using pickup lines, or appealing to her logically or emotionally.   The bottom line is that he is trying to TALK her into finding him attractive which is really just appealing to her social face.   Depending on the man this may work if he is able to fulfill the woman’s social needs. She may want to enhance her social face by being in a relationship with a man that looks good to the public.   Thus many men think that they can get a woman with a good conversation, a mouthpiece as the Macks would say, or routines as the Pickup Artists (PUA) use for seduction.   Most men, however, fail to get women through talking. Most make the mistake of thinking that they can talk a woman into giving them sex.

            My homie Roger, the star of the “Do The Work” blog entry had this say via text:

            “Man a lot of dudes esp. PUA’s approach women like it’s sales.   Overcoming objections with words. Engaging a woman’s mind is useless. Even if she gives you the pussy it won’t be good cause she’s battling in her head.”

            What Roger is saying is that though a woman may be socially attracted to a man she may not be sexually attracted.   Now Roger has read my books, Nice Guys and Players and Sexual Chemistry and has had the benefit of talking with me for years.   He understands the concept of a woman’s social face being different from her sexual face.   A man cannot appeal to a woman’s sexual face through logic and contrary to popular opinion through emotions.   A woman’s sexual face is dominated by her vagina. A woman’s vagina makes her sexual decisions for her and is RATIONALIZED by her logic, emotions, and other SOCIAL considerations.

            Consider the following scenario starring Dexter Goodbar.   The title of this scenario is, “So Who’s Your Friend?”

*************

            Dexter Goodbar went to a private party at a hotel with some friends of his, John, Rob, and Frank.   Rob called the party a “Beautiful People Party.” The attendees were primarily young, professional African-American men and women. Most of the men were dressed up in suits with fresh haircuts and confident demeanors.   They gave off “Alpha Male” vibes.   The women were dressed in sexy dresses and looking like they were fashion models.   Dexter Goodbar was dressed in a simple shirt and slacks and quite frankly needed a shape up.   All eyes were on the fellas as they walked into the party.   John, Rob, and Frank immediately picked out women to strike up conversations with. Dexter headed over to the buffet table, got some buffalo wings and found a table in the corner to sit down and eat.

            John approached a petite young lady who introduced herself as Pamela. They talked for a bit about their jobs and the vibe of the party.

            “I’ve been having a good time so far,” Pamela smiled.

            John looked Pamela up and down, “You look like you’re having a good time. I’m enjoying the party already.”

            “I saw you walk in with a group of brothas.   Y’all turned a lot of heads.”

            “Yeah we’re looking good,” John said smugly thinking that Pamela was feeling him.

            Pamela looked toward the corner where Dexter was sitting and asked John. “So who’s your friend?”

********

            Rob was on the floor dancing with Barbara.   Barbara was a curvy sista with big breasts, small waist, and big booty and legs.   Rob focused intently on Barbara as they danced. Barbara however seemed to be constantly looking past Rob.   After the song finished they walked off the floor. Rob told her about his job, his future plans, his education, and the home he just bought.   Barbara responded politely but didn’t say much letting Rob talk.   Rob finished talking about himself and asked Barbara about her goals and ambitions.

            “Nothing special. Just getting my masters,” Barbara responded.   “That guy you walked in with. What’s his name?”

            “Which guy?” Rob asked, slightly annoyed, thinking she was talking about John or Frank.

            “That one over there in the corner eating the chicken wings.” Barbara pointed to Dexter.   “So who’s your friend?”

********

            Frank chatted up Alicia, a slim sista with a pretty face, while they were in line getting some food.   The conversation was going well in Frank’s eyes. She seemed like she was interested.   They got their food and looked around for a place to sit.   Every table had a group of people except for Dexter’s table where he was by himself.   Alicia started walking towards the table without saying anything to Frank. Frank caught up with her.

            “So you want to sit over here in the corner?” Frank asked.

            “Yeah, I don’t think he will mind,” Alicia answered as they walked towards the table.

            “He shouldn’t. I know the brotha,” Frank said reluctantly.

            “Really? So who’s your friend?” Alicia asked a little too cheerfully as her pace quickened.

*********

            Dexter didn’t get invited to anymore parties with the fellas.

            This scenario illustrates a very important point. John, Rob, and Frank were SOCIAL alpha males.   They were young, in shape, dressed sharply, and very confident. These traits appeal to women socially. The women in the scenario were turned on by Dexter sexually. Dexter appealed to their SEXUAL faces.

            The true player’s “game” is very simple.   He pays attention to the women around him and looks for clues that a particular woman is turned on sexually by him.   Few people have an understanding of how the true player operates.   They will see the true player talking to a woman and will see that she is definitely interested in seeing him naked. They will observe his behavior and then try to mimic his actions.   For example some guys at a bar may see a true player rub a woman’s wrist while talking with her.   The woman is responding visibly. The guys will then try the same thing on different women and fail miserably.   See the true player didn’t turn on the woman by rubbing her wrist.   She was turned on sexually when she first laid eyes on him.

            One of, if not, the biggest myths about women is that they are not turned on visually by a man.   Popular belief suggests that women are turned on by a man’s intelligence, resources, and how he makes them feel emotionally.   These attributes appeal to a woman’s SOCIAL face.   The woman’s SEXUAL face doesn’t care about all of that.   The woman’s sexual face is LOOKING for a man to make her vagina tingle.   When a woman sees a man she considers sexually appealing not only does her pupils dilate but her cervix as well.   A woman can literally have an orgasm just by looking at a man.   Sometimes a man with an intense stare can look a woman in her eyes and make her moan. Ask me how I know.

            The woman’s sexual face doesn’t want the man’s car, house, job, or status.   The woman’s sexual face wants the man’s body to fuck the shit out of her.   The sexual face wants that raw, primal, scream at the top of the lungs, lose consciousness, speak in tongues, levitate off the bed type of fucking.   Not make love with rose petals and soft music playing in the background. That’s more of a social thing.    That primal thing is a physical thing. It doesn’t speak and quite frankly because of the suppression of female sexuality in most cultures, the average woman isn’t aware of her sexual face.   They think their social face represents their sexual nature.

            Until they run into somebody like Dexter Goodbar.

            That’s why you will have a woman who is in a happy stable marriage in an upper middle class neighborhood all of a sudden run off to live with a man in a seedy neighborhood in an abandoned home.   That man appealed to the woman’s sexual face.

            Now two types of men generally appeal to a woman’s sexual face.   All women have individual preferences but if a man has one of two things going for him he will generally have more women than he knows what to do with.   The first thing is a good body.   People like to say that biggest sex organ is the brain meaning that imagination and creativity make sex enjoyable. That’s a social thing with people who are sexually repressed.   Sex is a physical thing. A man can have rose petals, music, chocolate, give massages, and even eat the pussy.   For the actual act of intercourse the woman has to be physically be comfortable with the idea of this man on top of her, under her, and behind her.   She has to physically want to have sex with the man.   This is more about the body than the face.   Many otherwise handsome men have trouble getting women unless they have money and status as well.

            Now the type of body depends on a woman’s preference.   In general women are turned on by muscular bodies.   A man who builds his muscles will always improve his chances to women.   Now some men aren’t as muscular but they have a body type that turns on a particular woman.   I have a friend I’ll call Sabrina. Now Sabrina is a big girl about five-nine, size 16 but shapely.   She doesn’t have a fat stomach. Her man, Donny, is six-seven over three hundred fifty solid pounds. Sabrina and I were talking one day and I said, “Yeah you got that big, hominy grit eating muthafucka because you need somebody who can flip your phat ass over in bed.” Sabrina busted out laughing and gave me a high five.   All women have a physical body type that get them open sexually.   The only real issue is that that the man who is sexually appealing to a woman is rarely the man who is socially appealing.

            Think on this one.

            Now there are a minority of men who turn women on sexually but not because they have great bodies.   These men are extremely rare.   Women don’t get turned on by the bodies on these men. These men get sex because for whatever reason they can appeal to a woman’s sexual face. These men have sexual charisma.   I’ll use myself as an example. I worked in an office job back in the day. I had that Clark Kent thing going. I wore big glasses and plain clothes to work.   I had a co-worker I’ll call Lauren.   Now Lauren was a self-professed gold-digger.   The type that was known by the pro athletes in DC. Now I had a good body build but not like a pro-athlete and I certainly didn’t have their money.   It got back to me that Lauren said this about me, “Rom looks like a nerd but I betcha he can fuck.”   Many women will look at an otherwise plain man and get turned on.

            The true player has mastered the art of paying attention to a woman.   The true player rarely does a cold approach on a woman.   He looks for signs that she is sexually interested.   One thing I have always done is pay attention to how a woman looks at me.   There is a look that I can’t describe, or teach men to look for, when women is turned on by a man.   A man has to experience this look for himself.   This look may last only a second but a woman shows her sexual face in that second. The true player recognizes the look and acts accordingly if he finds her attractive as well.

            Many men call themselves players and use status, money, and good conversation to get women.   They think it works.   Really it’s irrelevant. Women make a decision when they first lay eyes on a man as to whether he is potentially a sex partner. At this point a man can only blow his chances.   Many men blow it by talking too damn much.   Many men focus on developing the wrong things to attract women.   Any man who wants more women needs to focus on building their body and their sexual charisma. Everything else is just extras.

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What about the Responsible Men?

September 14th, 2014

The Masked Man

August 10th, 2014

Why I Don't Teach Game Part 1

The Good Man Shortage - The Real Deal

The True Player's Secret

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