Wow. It’s been fifteen years since the publication of my book, Nice Guys and Players – Becoming The Man Women Want. What a ride it’s been since I picked up 1000 copies from the printer on September 22, 2000. The next day I sold the first seven copies of the book at a singles party held at a private home. One of the things I remember about that party was a man, who came across as a Nice Guy, telling me in an almost condescending manner that the book would never sell. I just nodded my head like I do when people say crazy things in my presence and kept on selling. Fifteen years and 20,000 copies in print later I’m still nodding my head.
It was an interesting journey to the publication of Nice Guys and Players. Even though the book was published in September 2000, the journey began in January 1996. I was working on a corporate job, but I also had a publishing company on the side with a small novella and a short story in pamphlet form as my only publications. I had a vending opportunity that was coming up and I wanted to have something else to sell. I came up with a twelve-page pamphlet called Finding a Good Man. It was simply my thoughts on what a Black woman needed to do to find a good man. I saw the pamphlet as simply something extra to sell for only a dollar. I didn’t expect that big a response.
Finding a Good Man sold like hotcakes. That little pamphlet that I printed myself with a laser printer in my Grandmother’s living room took me a long way. A Washington, DC public access TV producer got a copy and invited me on his show, Love and Happiness, to interview me about the pamphlet. I ended up doing several shows and at one time had an opportunity to become the host of the show. That’s another story for another day.
Now as I was promoting Finding a Good Man, something interesting started to happen. Men would walk up to me and tell me they needed something to help them to find a good woman. At first, I didn’t take the men seriously but when a few dozen start saying the same thing I paid attention. At that time, I didn’t have an idea that some men had major problems getting women. I knew some men were definitely better at it than others but I had trouble grasping the concept that any man had really serious issues dealing with women. The reason was that my peer group at the time was composed of primarily players and men in long term relationships. It was at that time I started to dig deep and started talking to men outside of my peer group. As I dug deeper I discovered that many men I knew in the past weren’t the players I thought they were. Out of these efforts came a pamphlet called Nice Guys Guide: Attracting and Meeting Beautiful Women.
Nice Guys Guide didn’t have the success of Finding a Good Man. One reason was that I didn’t push it as hard. Despite the research I didn’t think men needed such a pamphlet. When it did sell I noticed something very interesting. The men who did buy Nice Guys Guide were always the ones who looked like they didn’t need the information. In fact, one associate at the time, who I thought to be a player, bought it, “to support a brotha”, and would then continually ask questions. A couple of other men would do the same thing. I started thinking, maybe I needed to take this more seriously.
I decided at that point to write a more substantial book. In the fall of 1999 I published 300 copies of Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Black Women Want. I limited the first printing because I wanted to test the waters to get a reaction. The first copies were purchased by older Black women who confirmed everything I had written. The first men who purchased the book were true players. These players also confirmed everything I had written. So I decided to upgrade the cover, which quite frankly was cheap looking, and go for a more substantial print run.
In the summer of 2000 as I was preparing Nice Guys and Players for publication I had an experience that would change the direction of the book. I was at a pool party at a good friend’s house. It was a multi-racial grouping of people. I got into a conversation about male/female relationships with several white and Asian women. This was a four hour conversation. Up to that point the focus of my writings had been on Black relationships. Then, as now, there was more of a focus in the public media about the problems in Black male/female relationships. Here I had a group of young, white, and Asian women, basically saying word for word what young and old Black women were saying. After that conversation I went home and did a heavy edit on the text of Nice Guys and Players. I deleted most of the specific references to Black relationships. Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Black Women Want became Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Women Want.
So now the book had been published and it sold relatively slow at first. I sold a few hundred copies between September 2000 and February 2001. I was thinking “okay that didn’t go over well.” I was just going to sell out the run and move on to other projects. Then in late February 2001 there was a surge in Internet book sales. Surfing the net I found both good and bad reviews of my book. Apparently people became very interested in what I had to say. The rest as they say is history.
The premise of Nice Guys and Players is very simple. Women have dual sexual needs. One is the need for sexual gratification. They need a man who can arouse and satisfy them physically. The other need is social gratification. This includes emotional and social compatibility. Players can provide the sexual gratification but may lack in the social area. Nice Guys can provide emotional and social compatibility but fail to arouse women sexually. As a result of this dynamic many women will have two men in their lives: one to provide social compatibility and the other to provide sexual gratification. In the introduction of Nice Guys and Players I use the following example:
Larry and Christa have been dating for three months. Larry is nice and respectful to Christa. He helps her shop for food and makes sure that her car is always clean and filled with gas. He always takes her to the restaurant of her choice. Larry calls when he says that he will. He never gets mad if Christa says she is going to hang out with the girls. Larry even gives her money to spend. Larry has a good job, clean apartment in a good neighborhood, and a dependable car. He dresses cleanly and appropriately despite being somewhat pudgy. He volunteers to mentor young fatherless boys and is viewed as a role model by many people. Christa’s parents think Larry would make a great son-in-law. What’s missing from Larry and Christa’s relationship is they have yet to be intimate. Christa told Larry she wanted to wait until they were married before having sex. Larry, although turned on by Christa, understands and doesn’t pressure her. After one date, Larry kisses Christa and goes home thinking he has found a great woman. He dreams about the day they will be married. He fantasizes about how he will make love to her slowly and romantically.
Once Larry is gone, Christa pages Patrick. Patrick answers the page. Than Christa invites him to come over to her apartment despite the fact it’s after midnight. When Patrick arrives he is wearing an oversized shirt, baggy jeans, and boots. He looks like a model right out of a hip-hop magazine. Christa had on a red teddy. As soon as Patrick gets in the door he starts taking off his clothes. Christa gets hot over the sight of Patrick’s hardbody. Patrick wastes no time in having sex with Christa. He takes off her teddy, starts having sex with her right on the couch. The sex is hot and intense. Christa feels like she is in heaven. After the sex Patrick gets up, puts on his clothes and leaves. No foreplay, no afterplay, barely a kiss. Christa doesn’t mind because she always screams out in orgasm with Patrick.
Nice Guys and Players Pages 12-13
The man women will be most attracted to is the man who can satisfy both a woman’s social needs AND her carnal needs. The man will be a balance of a Nice Guy and a Player. The man will be the type that can stay employed, be respectful, and most importantly be socially acceptable to a woman’s peers and community. Behind closed doors this man will tap that ass like a pro and have the woman floating from multiple orgasms. Women express this desire for a balanced man when they make statements such as: “I want a corporate thug.” “I want Tupac with a degree.” “I want a nice guy who’s a little rough around the edges.” It’s really no different from a man who says he wants a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom.
Nice Guys and Players was not just about a Nice Guy becoming more attractive to women but a Player becoming more attractive to the woman he wants to settle with. Many women will have sex with a Player but will not want to be seen in public with him. This presents a problem if the man develops feelings for a woman. Players are still human. There is an interesting dynamic with Players. Typically a Player can get all the women except the one he actually wants. In fact, many men become Players when a woman they loved rejected them. Another dynamic is that many Players are simply tired of their lifestyle. I’ve lost count of how many Players have talked to me privately about changing their behavior. They embraced the book more so than the Nice Guys because they understood the need for balance.
Now this book that started off as a pamphlet many years ago is now available on Amazon Kindle. It will be interesting to see what the next fifteen years will bring.