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Too Good to be True

1/25/2015

2 Comments

 
            I knew this cat back in the day I’ll call Dave.   Now Dave was an interesting individual because according to the media and popular sentiment he didn’t exist.   Dave was a Black man which alone comes with a bunch of negative stereotypes.   Dave, however, had other things going on for him that made him stand out.   From a physical point of view he was taller than average being over 6 feet.   He was also very muscular.  I met him while working out at this particular gym.   He was also athletic as I had played basketball  with him on several occasions.   I saw a lot of his personality while playing ball.  I remember one time a thug type tried to intimidate him on the court and Dave gave him a look that said, “N-word I will fuck you up.”   Yeah it was that type of look.  It’s hard for me to personally judge another man’s face but he did have a strong looking face which many women tend to consider handsome.    So someone reading this would say that an athletic buffed Black Man is always promoted in the media.   There’s more to the mix though.

            Dave was in graduate school working on a Ph.D., so he was certifiably intelligent.   He was also very talented because he moonlighted as a DJ playing mixes at a local radio station.  So I’m talking with this man one day and is typical with conversations with men who speak to each other consistently the subject of women came up.   I just knew Dave had a harem of women trying to lock him down.  This a muscular and intelligent Black man, a Thorough Black Man, back in the days when Black women were complaining the loudest about a shortage of “Good Black Men.”  This was when Terry McMillan was at the height of her popularity and every other book by a Black female author was following the “Waiting to Exhale” formula.   On top of that Dave was the FIRST man I had ever met who didn’t say anything negative about Black women when they weren’t around.   This man sincerely loved Black women.   So I’m thinking they lined up for this brotha.  

            Naw.

            Dave told me that he had trouble getting a woman because they said he was “too good to be true.”   In addition to his physical and mental attributes he was a one-woman man.   He had no interest in being a player.   Years later he would find and marry a woman who wasn’t intimidated by him.   He had a happy ending but his example always stuck with me.

            I’ve known a lot of Thorough Black Men like that who have told me similar stories.   These were serious-minded, driven men who were physically imposing but were also very sharp mentally.   One in particular that fell into that category looked like Malcolm X in his face and was built like Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch.   He said women would reject him because he didn’t have money even though he would go on to be a highly paid attorney.   

            I’m focusing on Black men because quite frankly I have not seen this to be an issue in other communities.   I’m not as familiar with Asian or Latino communities as far as how their men are viewed.   The image of a white man who is both intelligent and physically imposing is always promoted in the media.  Indeed many white men have serious mental health problems because they don’t live up to this image.   Black men are usually promoted as physical but rarely as intelligent.   Here’s the issue.   When women, and this can be any race, meet a Black man who is clicking on all cylinders they will become intimidated and will try to find something wrong with him because he is “too good to be true.”   If someone looks for a flaw they will find it.   They will not only find the flaw they will magnify it and make it an excuse to ultimately reject the man.

            Returning to the example I used about my associate who looked like Malcolm X.   He told me that women rejected him because he didn’t have money.   On one hand that can be a legitimate argument if the broke man is doing nothing to improve his financial situation.   If the man is unemployed or underemployed I can see and understand a woman not wanting to deal with him.   That’s more than fair.   Yet unless a man has a trust fund, which very few Black men have, that man is going to have to work towards getting a lot of money.   Women rejected “Malcolm” for a lack of money but this man once he passed the bar immediately started making six figures.   The reality is that he and other similarly situated men were not rejected for a lack of money or whatever other excuse women make.   The real deal is that women may say they want a handsome man with money but most women wouldn’t know what to do with such a man if they were lucky enough to encounter one.  

            Back in the nineties I used to give out a lot of relationship surveys.  I even worked with others giving out their surveys.   A lot of things I talk about isn’t just something off the top of my head.   Many people have filled out questionnaires for me and my associates.   One survey I created and gave out at a vending event opened eyes for me.   On the survey was one question.  I asked ladies what they would do if they met a man who was handsome, muscular, and educated with money.   I gave the survey to older women and younger women.   The older women responded without even writing anything down.   They said they would engage the man without any hesitation.   Now these were women in their fifties and sixties.   The younger women on the other hand didn’t answer the question.   The survey was given to maybe twenty women who were in their twenties and thirties.   Now only did they not answer the question I observed many sitting down just staring at the piece of paper.   They had no idea how to respond.   I was at least expecting some joke answers.   I got nothing.

            I’m bringing this up because over the years I’ve met many Black men who had it going on.   I can’t judge their facial features but as a former personal trainer I can evaluate physiques.   These men were in the top percentage of the population as far as their body builds.   These same men were also professionals or were making a lot of money as business owners.   These men were intelligent and built and yet would complain about not being in a relationship.   Talking with these men they weren’t necessarily looking for fashion models.   For the most part they just wanted a decent looking cooperative and receptive woman.   Now I’ve focused on Black men because every single white man I’ve known personally who has had physique, education, and money has had a pretty woman on his arm.   Some had several pretty women.   Similarly situated Black men seem to have trouble.

            Many women really don’t know what do with an intelligent and athletic Black man.   This isn’t just Black women but many women of other races are looking for that brotha they see on the ball court or in rap videos.   The image of the well-rounded Black Man isn’t promoted in the media.   Women when they look for men already have an idea of what they want.   This image is formed by the men in their family, the men they grew up around, and the men who are promoted in the media.   In their minds they have already written the script of how the encounters with different men will go.   Many women already have the script for dealing with a trifling man.   They already know what to do with a player.   They know what to do with a lazy man.   Many women will deal with a loser for no other reason than he’s in their comfort zone.   Present the same woman with a success driven man and they will find something wrong with him when the real issue is that they don’t know what to do with him.  That’s the real reason many women don’t want to deal with a man until he has money.   They know how to deal with his money but not the person.  

            The point of this particular blog is not to ask women to change.    I’m not going to tell women to choose better because quite frankly many are not capable of doing so.  This blog is directed to the serious minded Black men who are working to do something with their lives.   I’ve met so many hard working brothas who are wondering what the hell they have to do get love in their lives.   Many of these men have been told how great they are by women and yet friend-zoned by the same women.   Then these men will see the same women get involved with a loser.  

            Fellas count your blessings.

            That woman just told you that they don’t really want anything out of life.  A relationship with that woman will only cause you to lose everything you have worked so hard to acquire.   Don’t ask the woman to change just keep doing you.   See there are many women who will look at you and say you are “too good to be true.”   Many will magnify any flaws you have in order to rationalize them not being attracted to you.  They may even call you corny or lame.   Many Black men get mad behind this.   Don’t get mad.   You don’t need that woman.   Yeah she got a cute smile and a phat ass but on the inside she may be toxic.   Let me share some real game with you as far as how I read women.   

              If I want to know anything about a woman, I pay attention to what type of men they are friendly to or that they say they truly find attractive.   That will tell everything you need to know.   A woman will lie about many things but the man she finds attractive will always be a reflection of her true self.   If a woman is attracted to unemployed lazy losers there is something in her that’s lazy.   If she is attracted to players always bringing drama that means she is someone full of drama.   A woman more so than a man will always be attracted to someone who reflects who they are on the inside.   Men tend to be attracted to a nice body regardless of the personality attached.   

                  If a woman is not inwardly attracted to a handsome, well-built, driven man with money that means there’s something in her not compatible with the personality traits of that man.   It’s a certain type of personality that is innately suited to success in this particular culture.   Many women are not attracted to this particularly personality type.    Some women may marry that type of man but will cheat with the bum they met at the liquor store.    There are however, many women who are inwardly attracted to the Thorough Black Man.   Instead of worrying about women chasing thugs and losers the men need to stay focused on building themselves up and recognizing the right women.   If as a man the term “too good to be true” has been applied to you, just smile.   It means you have been going in the right direction.

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God Hand

1/18/2015

0 Comments

 
            I have a low budget movie in my DVD collection called Champion Road Arena.  The story in the movie is that several martial artists come together to compete in an underground tournament in order to determine the most powerful fighter.   Each fighter represents a particular style.  Even though there are several characters there are three who are the main focus.   One character is named Abel who is the master of a style called Earth Fist.   The other main character, Mercer, is the master of a style called Heaven Fist.  In the trailer for the film the styles were called Earth Opener and Heaven Opener.   It turns out that the styles were two sides of the same coin and were split apart because a man who mastered both styles would be supremely powerful.   The villain in the story was a man named Moses who was a master of Earth Fist.   He wanted to learn the Heaven Fist to combine with Earth Fist.   It was said that combining the two styles would amount to having “the power of God in one man’s hand,” – God Hand.   

            The concept of God Hand resonated with me because the concept of combining spirit, Heaven, with the material, Earth is the core of what I write about in my books.   When I promoted Nice Guys and Players many people saw it as Nice Guys vs. Players.  One commentator on a message board I used to frequent went as far as to write a long post saying how Nice Guys were superior to Players.   The reality is he didn’t read my book and made an assumption just based on the title.   The path I promote is that a man has to have the best qualities of both the Nice Guy and the Player in order to be optimally attractive to women.   The more a man can strike a balance between these two polarities the more women will be drawn to him.

            In past blogs I have talked about people having a social face and sexual face.   I went further into the subject with my blog, Bimbos are Geniuses.   In that blog I talked about two types of people in the population, Reverent Intelligentsians and Sensual Bohemians.   Intelligentsians represent the spiritual side of attraction, Heaven.  These are the people we connect with because of their intangible qualities such as their emotional dispositions.   We all have met at least person that we click with because they have a good heart and compatible personalities.   This a spiritual thing because spirit is not something we see but something we feel emotionally.   The major issue with this is that someone that we may click with emotionally is not always the same person that turns us on physically.    Here’s a great example.   Over the years I’ve encountered hundreds of women who have complained about not being able to find a good man.   I have found that when I questioned these women every single one has had at least ONE man who was a real good friend to them who they loved dearly.   The only issue was that the man didn’t turn them on sexually.   Many women would even say that their particular male friends would make a good mates and more than a few wished they could be physically attracted to their friends.   A few may even marry their friends but the relationships run into problems because of a lack of physical passion.   The bottom line though is that the mental attraction cannot be discounted.   This is Heaven.

            Then there are people who turn us on sexually.   Despite what some Intelligentsians try to say two people HAVE to be physically attracted to one another.    Most professional commentators focus on the spiritual side of relationships which is very important but is only one half of the equation.   I remember one Intelligentsian commentator wrote that for a man to turn on a woman he needed to wash the dishes and help out with housework.   As many men who have been friendzoned can attest to, that’s some bullshit.   I can fill a book with stories of men who have done nice things for women only to hear the words, “I only see you as a friend.”    Now the Bohemian commentator in giving advice will tell a man pack on some muscles, get a haircut and a good cologne.   A woman would be told to avoid getting a belly and to get a dress that will make her butt look real good and to fix her hair.   The Bohemian appeals to the opposite sex based on raw lust.   This is Earth.

            The Nice Guys and Players Philosophy is the path of balance.   When someone is too Intelligentsian they don’t appeal physically to the opposite sex.   They are seen as someone’s friend or even worse their brother or sister.    When someone is too Bohemian they are seen physically enticing but that comes with its own set of problems.   An example that come to mind was when I worked with this young woman who was Bohemian.  She would always wear tight clothes that would cling to every inch of her voluptuous body.   She often complained of men following her on the street and said that one time a man on the street offered her money to sleep with her.   Now a problem was that her style of dress was affecting her ability to advance on the job.    Fortunately for her an older supervisor took her to the side and spoke to her about her presentation.   In the next few months the young lady toned down her style of dress and was able to advance on the job because once one got past her physical assets it turns out she was very intelligent and a hard worker.   She advanced because she became more balanced.

            In Champion Road Arena, the term “God Hand” meant having the power of God in one’s hand.   This isn’t a supernatural or occult thing.   Someone doesn’t acquire the ability to defy gravity or create out of thin air.   I’m saying this because quite frankly some people take statements literally and not figuratively.   For the ordinary man and woman the power of God in their hands means they can create life they want to live.   Let me use a story as an example.   This story based on women I have known and still know.   I’m combining elements of each of their stories in order to get my point across.

            There is a woman named Suzanne.   She grew up in a poor and dysfunctional environment to a single mother who didn’t follow any religious path.   As Suzanne became a teenager she developed a very sensual body which affected the men around her.  Initially she was able to get favors from boys and older men as long she provided sex or allowed them to touch her.   Eventually she would become a stripper who would provide extra services for the right price.   Her major issue that she would spend the money she got almost fast as she got it so she was broke all the time.   Her lifestyle was also beginning to grate on her.  She was really just drifting along.   She was a Sensual Bohemian and the thing with Bohemians is that they tend to lack direction.   Suzanne’s life would get better.

            Suzanne was introduced to a spiritual path which caused her to look at her life and behavior.   By practicing the spiritual path she started to develop her character and developed more discipline.    She also began losing interest in being a stripper.   She became more Intelligentsian in her behavior.  Now here’s where God Hand comes in.   Though she became more spiritual the Bohemian side of her didn’t go away.  It just came under the control of her will.    So she still had the curves and though she dressed more conservatively, her clothing would still highlight her body and draw men to her.   Instead of using men for her personal benefit she was able to help other people.   

            Suzanne was given the chance to be a host model for a party.    She had found her true calling.   Suzanne eventually became an event planner specializing in singles parties.    She could always get men to come to her parties and because the men were there women would show up in droves.   Suzanne was able to become a millionaire because she expanded from singles parties to expos, conferences and eventually movie and play production.     She became a millionaire because she combined her Bohemian nature, Earth, with her Intelligentsian nature, Heaven, and thus create the life she wanted.   Earth and Heaven in her hand, God Hand.

            This isn’t something I’m making up.   The above example is a composite is actual women I know.   As far as men I made an interesting observation when dealing men who I classify as Mr. Goodbar: Every single one of them follow a definite spiritual path.    When I say they follow a path I don’t mean they follow the dogma of a particular path.   Many people can quote a holy book but their behavior contradicts their words.    What I found is that the Goodbars will follow the behavior required by their paths.   This is Christian Goodbar who follows Jesus’ greatest commandment of “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”   This is the Muslim Goodbar who behaves in a peaceful calm manner.   This is the Jewish Goodbar who is sincerely charitable.   This is the IFA Goodbar who demonstrates what is called Iwa Pele or “Good Character.”   Even the one Atheist Goodbar I have encountered behaved with a certain code towards others.

            The reason Goodbars succeed with women is not their physical packages.   Yes their looks attract women but as a Black Muslim once said to me, women are really attracted to the God in men.   Many women can attest to meeting a man who they think is good looking.   Then they talk to him and are turned off, or as one woman puts it "instant dryness."  Indeed many good looking men are not Goodbars but rather Masked Men.   Their mask is their looks.   At a deeper level women are attracted to a man’s spiritual nature.   In Nice Guys and Players I have a chapter called “Mental and Spiritual Development.”  Interestingly enough in the fifteen years since the publication of my book I have never seen any commentary about that particular chapter.    

          Let me hit you with something deep.   A man wants to plant a seed in a woman’s body but a woman wants to plant a seed in a man’s spirit.   If you understand what I just said hit me up here.  

         Keep in mind that the men who attract the most women are always spiritual leaders.  It’s not an accident that so many ministers, priests, shamans, and gurus have large followings and manage to sleep with lots of women.   I’ll let that marinate.

         So for a man to develop God Hand he needs to develop his Earthly vessel, his body, to its optimal level.   This means working out to get the best body he can, staying as healthy as he can and learning how to enhance the appearance of that body through grooming and clothing.    Mastering Earth is powerful in itself.  The man also needs to develop his spiritual nature through a spiritual path he feels an affinity for or through a behavior code he develops through life experience.   It is then that he masters Heaven.   Combine them and he has the power of God in his hands.  God Hand.

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Vicious Cycles and Successful Men

1/4/2015

1 Comment

 
            I’ve been seeing an interesting theme the past few months.   Well it’s a theme I’ve been seeing for many years since the late eighties.   I’ve even touched on this theme here and there in my blogs over the past year from the male side of things.    See I’ve been seeing many women online and in the real world complain not so much about a shortage of men but specifically a shortage of men with money.    Women are meeting men just not the ones they want.   It’s never been a shortage of men per se but rather a shortage of certain men i.e. good looking men with money.   One thing I’m seeing is women kicking men to the curb because the men are broke.

            Okay fair enough.   A woman doesn’t have to deal with any man she doesn’t want regardless of the reasons.   A funny thing happens though.   After being alone for a few months to a few years a woman starts getting lonely for companionship.   They’ll go on social media and start complaining about the lack of men in their lives with other similarly situated women.   They give each other encouragement and hope.   Then one day it happens.   A woman runs into a handsome man with money.   He’s tall, he has a career, a home, and a late model car.    He even looks like he would be good in bed.     The woman has hit the jackpot as she can check off most of the things on her list.   He might not be able to speak fluent French but nobody is perfect.    The woman is texting all of her friends and makes a long status update on social media.     Her joy, however turns to tears of frustration within a week.    The man of her dreams doesn’t have the slightest interest in her.   Truth be told she doesn’t register on his radar.

            Many women want a successful man.   Women want that man who already has his act together.   They want the man who is already at the top of his profession.    Many romance novels play into this desire.   What many women fail to realize until it’s too late is that these Successful Men don’t want them back.     See the average woman does not understand men let alone a Successful Man.   Ironically even women who seem to be successful with men don’t really understand them.   Beyond knowing that men want sex most women are clueless.    I’m going to share some things about the psychology of the Successful Man so that women especially will understand why that fine man with E-class isn’t looking their way.      

            The key thing for a woman lusting for a particular Successful Man to understand is that that this man did not always have women lusting for him.    Indeed most men who are successful did not reach a level of success until they were in their late thirties and early forties.    Many might not “make it” until their fifties.    Now unless these men were also exceptionally handsome with great bodies it is very likely that they went long stretches of their youth in a state of involuntary celibacy.   In other words they weren’t getting any sex.    A big part of a Successful Man’s drive to succeed is the desire to get sex.    So this man is going through his horniest years without consistent female companionship.   It is during these years that a man is either in school or if blue collar, in an apprenticeship where he is learning the skills that may bring him success later on life.    He is laying the foundation for his future.  

            Here’s some game for the ladies:  This is the period of time when a man is MOST receptive to being in a relationship with a cooperative woman regardless of her physical appearance or personality traits.

            This is a very important consideration.   A man may want a beauty queen or a pin-up girl but at this point he may settle for an average looking woman who could stand to either lose some weight or in some cases put on some.   At this point a man will reach for the lowest hanging fruit if the woman is COOPERATIVE.    In plain language the average man is not going to be as picky when he doesn’t have as much money and he knows he doesn’t have movie star looks.  A smart woman with some common sense would grab this man.  Yeah she might not be able to get dinners at fancy seafood restaurants on a weekly basis and she might have to rock knockoff designer bags from the flea market for a little while but the payoff in the long run is enormous.    This is where many women get in trouble for two primary reasons.   One, many women don’t want to be around a man while he is building his career or business and two which is even more of problem many women don’t know what a Successful Man looks like up close and personal.

           The first thing is that many women don’t want to be a relationship with a broke man.   It’s not because the man has some type of personality flaw.   Most women see dating and the early stages of relationships as entertainment.    Men are not chosen initially because they are responsible men with ambition to do great things.   The average man is chosen because of the level of entertainment he can provide a woman.    Dating is entertainment.   Even if a woman chooses a man just for sex she is doing so for entertainment.    When women consent to a date with a man they are looking for a good time.   They are not thinking about buying a house or building a family.  The woman is thinking about eating good food, watching a funny play, dancing, and possibly getting her back blown out later that night.    Good food, plays, and dancing cost money.   A man has to have the ability to spend a couple of hundred dollars to give a woman a nice evening.    Now a man who is a student or is just making enough to get basic bills paid is not going to be able to date the average woman.   The average man will be rejected because he doesn’t LOOK like he can afford to entertain a particular woman.    Many women don’t even want to around men they perceive as broke.   

          Now one other issue that isn’t discussed is that many women really don’t know what a Successful Man looks like.   Yeah a woman can read a story about a Successful Man and depending on their social circle and where they work may even encounter one.    The issue is that women will typically only see the finished product.    See despite what many women like to think about themselves they are average.   They are average looking women living an average existence.   On their own they will never be affluent and the overwhelming majority will never live their dreams if they even have any.    An average woman will have trouble truly understanding a Successful Man for the simple fact that she didn’t do the work to get to a point of success.    She sees the tall handsome man with the luxury car.    What she doesn’t see is the hours of blood, sweat, and tears the man had to go through to reach his level of success.   She aspired to an ordinary life.   He aspired to an extraordinary life.   An average woman would have seen this man when he didn’t have anything and not recognize his potential.   How could she?   It’s not her mindset.    The women who recognize that potential are the ones who grew up with a successful father or male relative.   Ironically a woman from an upper class background may actually be very receptive to a broke man with potential because they recognize the personality traits for success.

           Let’s brings this back around full circle.   A woman is looking for a Successful Man.  Somehow she manages to meet one.   She gives him blatant choosing signals and is rejected.   The Successful Man may or may not even speak to her.    The worst thing many women do is let a man get successful without them.    An important thing for men is loyalty.   Now many women say they are loyal to men which really means certain men.   Women are loyal to good looking knuckleheads.   Average looking men who don’t have money didn’t feel that loyalty.   It’s important for a man to bond with a woman in order for him to be a relationship with her.  Despite what women think a man doesn’t bond with a woman because of sex.   A man can have sex with a woman he doesn’t like for years.   A man bonds with a woman through the intangibles she brings to the table such as cooperation and loyalty.    Many Successful Men when they needed cooperation the most did not get it.   The Successful Man went through his toughest years ALONE.   He finds out the hard way that he really doesn’t need women EMOTIONALLY.   Now if his sex drive is normal he still needs women PHYSICALLY.   This is where women catch hell.

            That Successful Man isn’t looking for a life partner.    He’s looking for a tight young body for physical release.   Indeed many Successful Men will become Sugar Daddies or engage in sex tourism.  If they do get married they will do so with trophy women.   Average women will be rejected if they can even manage to get into the same social circle as a Successful Man.   In the eyes of the Successful Man he sees the same women who once rejected him all of a sudden finding him attractive.   This is something that these men highly resent.    A few will dog out the women who once rejected them.   It’s a vicious cycle.

             If men and women really want change we have to really examine the values we are using to choose mates.   Women complain about men judging them on physical appearance and yet the same women reject men because their bank accounts are small.   Real change has to come by changing our overall cultural values.   Changing our values will be a theme I will be discussing in future blogs.

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