What about the Responsible Men?
So I watched Iyanla Vanzant’s “Fix My Life” on DVR early this morning. I’m an early riser and I wanted to get it in before my sons got up and hijacked the remote. The show featured the man that has social media abuzz, Jay Williams. For those living under a rock or just don’t care, Jay Williams is a man who fathered 34 kids with 17 women. Iyanla did a whole series of shows on him. Somewhere I guarantee there’s at least one producer thinking about doing a reality show about this man but I digress. Anyway the show featured not only Mr. Williams but several other men who had fathered multiple children by multiple women.
I had mixed feelings about the show. I was getting hot at first because it seemed like everything was being put on the men. See I have a problem when women complain about deadbeat men who have children with multiple women. Indeed some will have a child with a man, know he isn’t taking care of his other children, and then have two more kids with him. Then other women will come along, know the man has multiple kids, maybe even know the baby mamas, and STILL have a child with the man. My issue was that women don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
To Iyanla’s credit she later put some responsibility on the women as well. There was a point where one of the men was confronting his mother about how she emotionally abused him as a child and how that contributed to his behavior. It was good to see that because in looking at these issues we have to look at the entire picture. Virtually every womanizer I have known in my life had either a jacked up relationship with his mother OR a vicious rejection by some woman when he was young. Too much is put on the men when it’s really a vicious cycle and the only way to break the cycle is to stop pointing fingers at each other and work together for a better future.
Talking about men creating children with multiple women isn’t the focus of this particular blog though. When I look at any issue I look it at from several angles. I used to work as a criminal investigator and then briefly as an editor for a political website where I did a little investigative journalism. Academically I’m very well trained in doing research. One of the things as a true to the game investigator/researcher is that I see what is on the surface but also what is hidden. To use a principle from The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, “Perceive those things which cannot be seen.”
What I saw on the show was a bunch of Mr. Goodbars and a bunch of women who wanted these men to be good fathers. An issue with that is the ability to be a good father might not have been in the psychological makeup of these men to begin with. Too many women think having a man’s child will all of sudden make him grow up. As many women find out after many tears and counseling later is these men really have little to no incentive to do better. Iyanla, bless her, might be able to talk to a few men on her show and they MAY change their lives but there are thousands of men out there with the same issues who quite frankly will keep doing their part to insure their genetic lineage.
Let me address the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to talk about in ANY of these relationship discussions ESPECIALLY those that occur in the context of Black male/female relationships. Let’s be honest, though race wasn’t brought up in the discussion I only SAW Black men on the stage. The issue no one wants to talk about is how come these people who are getting upset at these genetic alpha males are not asking one basic question: Why not simply have children with the men who WILL be responsible parents?
Stop and think about that.
In my coaching practice and in life in general I have encountered hundreds of men, specifically Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and WANT to have a family. Men who WANT to have children and be there for them. Some of these men will even step in to help raise the children of many of these deadbeat sperm donors if given the chance. Women are passing over these men every day in their mad rush to spread their legs for Mr. Goodbar. Then when these women are stuck with the responsibility of actually raising a child on their own they blame Mr. Goodbar for not being a responsible parent.
Let me share a reality that people may or may not see. If they do see it they don’t talk about it. All people have a dual sexual nature. There is the obvious carnal sexual nature which is pure lust. It’s the drive to connect with someone because of their physical attributes. It’s the woman being attracted to a man because of his height, body build, square jaw, and yes dick size. It’s the man being attracted to a woman’s big breasts and phat ass. The carnal drive doesn’t care about a person’s character, profession, social class, political leanings, or religious beliefs. This is pure attraction. There is a second sexual drive that’s based more on mental and emotional compatibility. This drive is more influenced by social factors such as culture, and personal beliefs.
The average man will look for a woman that satisfies both of his sex drives. He will openly look for a woman that turns him on physically but one that also fits his social criteria. Women, on the other hand don’t have the same freedom. They are encouraged to find men who fit their social criteria but western culture as it is now tries to suppress a woman’s carnal desires. Women will still go for what they want physically but not in the same way as men. This is where the problem comes in.
A woman will meet Mr. Goodbar. She’s turned on sexually. Her vagina is buzzing. Mr. Goodbar is making the woman smile and feel good. He’s fun to be with. Mr. Goodbar probably doesn’t match her social criteria but that’s okay as long as the orgasms keep coming. So the woman is having her good time but three things generally happen. One, a woman will recognize the temporary nature of the relationship with Goodbar and simply move on to something more serious. These are the more sensible women. Two, the woman will marry the Goodbar and then realize that socially they are incompatible. Three, they will have a baby and the reality that Goodbar is a deadbeat will become apparent. The last two things is where the problems come up.
Many women have a delusion that this man who they are having sex with because he is so fine, and so much fun, will all of a sudden become responsible with marriage or a baby. Most of the time it will not happen. Too many women make decisions based on the romantic tales playing out in their minds. They knew Mr. Goodbar was a reckless pretty boy with a big dick when they got with him. That was part of his appeal. Now it’s time to get serious and that fine man-child with the nice stroke isn’t following the script. Then the women go on a national TV show and try to shame and cajole the man-child into growing up and being a responsible man. I call bullshit on all that.
If a woman really wanted a responsible man she should mate with that type of man to begin with. The responsible men already have the skillset to be good husbands, providers, and parents. There are millions of men and let’s be specific, Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and family orientated. The women are getting outraged over a FEW men who have multiple children by multiple women. What about the responsible ones? To me the bigger issue, especially in the Black community, should be why are so many responsible Black men are single AND childless? I would love to see somebody’s national show deal with this issue. I already know what the real deal is though. Another one of those big-ass elephants in the room.
When I was watching Iyanla this morning, and saw the fathers my first thought was, “oh a Goodbar convention.” Other than when I was working a gym where a bunch of male strippers used to work out, it’s rare I see that many Mr. Goodbars in the same place. Somebody has to say it. The only reason that a man is going to be able have multiple children by multiple women is because he is able to appeal to the carnal nature of these women. In most cases he is PHYSICALLY appealing to these women. Objectively speaking, the men on stage were physically attractive to multiple women.
See I’ve had conversations with literally thousands of women about their preferences in men. Publically women will talk about the social criteria they want in men which typically responsible men fulfill. Now the responsible men are barely getting attention. The reason is that in the eyes of many women these men are not physically attractive. Now I’ve gone on record as saying a man with sex appeal can trump a man with good looks. The thing is that only a very tiny percentage of men have that type of ethereal sex appeal. The sex appeal of most men is based on their physical appearance be it handsome face, height, or muscular body. They have to at least look good to a particular woman.
This is the conversation we need to really have. Too many women want that good-looking man whose smile they want for their sons to be a responsible parent. It might not happen. The women then run to the men who are not as attractive to raise their pretty children and many men are RIGHTFULLY not trying to sign up for that. Now some women may feel like they only want to deal with Mr. Goodbar. Okay. Just don’t get mad because sixteen other women want to have a baby with with the same man.
If we really want to solve the relationship issues, especially in the Black community, we HAVE to address the issue of the large number of single responsible men.
That dialogue is long overdue.
Is She You?
Is she you? Now I'm old school. Back in the day the fellas and I would be checking out some girls and we would ask each other, "Is she you?" What was meant by this phrase was whether this particular young lady would be a good match for the young man checking her out. A sad reality is that most men are not with a woman who truly compliments their personality, their goals, indeed their very being. To make it simple most men are not with the right woman.
The Masked Man is very desired by women. They see a handsome, successful man who is a great catch. He doesn’t have the raw sex appeal of Mr. Goodbar but that’s okay. The woman has had her fun times with the pretty boys, bad boys, and hot boys. The sex was hot but these men didn’t have anything else to offer. The woman has a child from the deadbeat with the pretty eyes and smile. The child is cute and all but also has an appetite. Many women learn the hard way that that the man who got that good dick doesn’t always translate to a man who’s going to be a good provider or parent. So the woman’s needs change and I talk about this in my book, Nice Guys and Players:
Ultimately, what it boils down to is that women choose men according to their needs. If a woman needs a man who is going to give her attention he is the type of man she will choose. An insecure woman chooses a man who can make her feel secure. Women seeking excitement look for men who can provide it. Nurturing women find men they can nurture. Women don’t choose men simply because they look good or are confident or aggressive. They choose men because of some need that has to be satisfied. Needs dictate desires. Women will always choose men according to their needs.
Nice Guys and Players Page 52
Many women get to the point where they desire the Masked Men because they need someone who can provide resources and also has some level of sex appeal. Also many women want a man who looks good to their peers. I’ve always said that a man has to not only appeal to a particular woman but her girlfriends as well. Yet another future blog.
Now there’s an issue with a woman’s desire for a Masked Man. The issue is that Masked Men in general are not cooperating with the desires of women. The woman may see a successful man who is a good catch. She may see a way out of her drab nine to five existence. She may see a good stepfather to her gang of kids by different bad boys. She may simply see a genuinely good man. The Masked Man on the other hand sees a hot mess.
When Masked Men look at most women they don’t see smart, beautiful, and sexy women who they should be happy to have in their lives. They see average looking women at best who could stand to lose some weight. When they see women with a gang of kids they see a person who made some bad choices in men. Even if the woman is a career woman they see someone who is not in touch with their feminine sex appeal. Mainly Masked Men will see a woman with a lot of emotional baggage and very, very, very few men want to sign up for that.
Now there are many forces in the world that try to SHAME a Masked Man into loving a woman regardless of her issues. There are memes floating around the internet suggesting that a man, to be a real man, needs to accept a woman regardless of what she brings to the table. If she is overweight, the real man needs to accept her and find her attractive. If she has kids by multiple men the real man needs to take responsibility and raise the kids that he didn’t help create. If she has a bad attitude, the real man needs to accept her moods. I guess a real man needs to accept whatever is thrown his way in order to satisfy the delusions of women who have made some unfortunate choices in life.
In reality, a real man is going to live by his will and not follow the dictates of people who don’t fuck, finance, or feed him.
To understand why a Masked Man will reject many women it’s important to understand the price of success. Masked Men are in the position they are in because of hard work. If they are making six and seven figures they had to put in the work. See in this society we are used to seeing instant millionaires. A kid coming out of high school can become a millionaire overnight by signing a contract to play a sport. A kid with a great singing voice can win a competition and become an overnight sensation. An actor can land a role that makes him a household name. The thing is we don’t see the work the athlete or the entertainer had to put into their craft in order to be successful. We see the end result but not the work. It’s the same thing with the Masked Man.
People see the handsome face, the muscular body, and the late model car. The see the man walking with confidence. What people don’t see is the hours working on grooming. People weren’t there when the man was spending hours in the gym. People see the fine clothes, cars, and houses but they don’t see the work the man had to do to get to that point. This is especially the case if the man made his fortune as an entrepreneur.
Here’s the thing. When men get to point of making six and seven figures they didn’t do so through a regular nine to five job. A significant portion of Masked Men are entrepreneurs. The life of an entrepreneur is not easy. Many very successful men will tell stories of sleeping on air mattresses, or eating maybe one meal a day, of making sacrifices to get where they are. It’s not an easy life. Many will struggle for years to make a business work. Some may give up and find a regular job even though this will slowly kill their spirits. Many men will make their goals and live their dreams. Now here’s the thing, when many men make it to the promise land, they don’t have a woman with whom to share their victory. Let me share a rarely talked about reality.
Many of these men who become millionaires were not considered Mr. Goodbar by the girls and women growing up. They didn’t have that raw sex appeal to turn on women. A few may have been lucky to get attention from women every now and then. A few may even get married to some woman who quite frankly is still pining for Mr. Goodbar. They end up getting divorced anyway. Most entrepreneurs go through their hard years without a supportive woman. Indeed many women will reject these men because they didn’t have money to spend on dates. Typically the men didn’t have that thing called Game to offset the lack of sex appeal and money. The men are going through constant rejection and quite frankly the only thing keeping them going is working on their dreams.
Now when Masked Men arrives in the promised land of success an interesting thing happens. All of sudden women find them attractive. Indeed many women who had rejected the man in the past will approach him talking about how they always thought, “He was cute.” Of course these women will not be as sexy as they once were and will have a one or two bad ass kids. The woman will talk about rekindling something that never really was to begin with and the man will look at her like she’s crazy.
A Masked Man has done all the heavy lifting at that point. He is at a point where he can reject women because they are coming at him because his money has turned him into an image of Mr. Goodbar. At this point the only women the Masked Man will only deal with is the most sexually attractive women. The reason is that at that point he doesn’t need a woman for anything else. Think about it. What can a woman offer a successful man? He doesn’t need her counsel or support. He made it without her. If he wants children he can find a childless woman and doesn’t have to be bothered with a woman who already has kids. He doesn’t need her money which she likely has from a nine to five job. Even if she makes a high salary or is an entrepreneur herself he doesn’t need her resources. He really isn’t going to care about them.
Understand that Masked Men see most women as not bringing anything substantial to the table. When men who are either successful or on the path to success get together to talk on social media, message boards, or in person the topic of conversation will often turn to women. Two primary things will be discussed. One a particular woman’s level of sex appeal. Two, and this is very specific to successful men, what the woman brings to the table. The sex appeal piece is obvious. The Masked Man wants to know what the woman is adding to his life. Women may think they have it going on but the man sees something different. What he sees in many cases is a woman who is asking for a lot and putting a big burden on the man but is not really giving anything in return. For a Masked Man a woman needs to at least be sexy. Many women are approaching Masked Men lacking sex appeal. Then the women have a carload of emotional baggage they are bringing with them. And they are asking the Masked Man to make everything okay. The Masked Man has zero incentive to deal with that type of drama.
Bottom line the Masked Man has worked hard to be where he is in life. He had to be a hard worker and smart. He has earned the right to make the choices he does as far as female companionship. All the memes and shaming tactics in the world will not change that. The Masked Man got to where he is by exercising some willpower. The will is about the ability to make choices in order to enhance one’s own existence. The Masked Man will make choices that benefit him and not other people who want to latch on to his success.
The Masked Man
All right I’ve talked about Mr. Goodbar to death. People get it that there are a small percentage of men who have the raw ability to sexually arouse many women. Thing is that Mr. Goodbar does indeed represent a SMALL percentage of the male population. We’re talking at most ten percent. Obviously they are not the only ones getting the attention of multiple women. Just below Goodbar on the sexual hierarchy are the Masked Men. This group of men represents maybe 25 percent of the male population. They are not desired because of their raw sex appeal like Goodbar but they have enough looks to arouse women to some extent. To qualify as Masked Men they have to have some money and status as well.
See the mask is not about a man putting on a façade so much. It’s more about what the WOMAN sees when she looks at the man. The woman doesn’t see pretty eyes, a flat stomach and a big package when she looks at a Masked Man. Even if the Masked Man has these things, which many do, women don’t see raw sex appeal when they look at this class of men. Women will look at the Masked Man and see that he has a nice suit on which means he may be a professional. They see that he is driving a late model car which means he has some money. They see that he speaks and carries himself a certain way which means he may have some status. Masked Men are what women look for when they get tired of dealing with Mr. Goodbar.
Most women see Mr. Goodbar as good for sex and nothing more. Women chase Mr. Goodbar from their teenaged years to maybe their early thirties. A few women never really stop chasing Mr. Goodbar like these women in their fifties who blatantly flirt with young boys thinking they’re still sexy. As an aside these older women aren’t sexy to these young boys, just easy. I may do a future blog on that subject but I digress.
Women with a little bit of sense eventually outgrow Goodbars. Six pack abs don’t mean anything when the bills become due. Multiple orgasms are one thing but when the car breaks down and the repairs cost over a thousand dollars that good dick isn’t helpful to the average woman. After they come down from that orgasmic high the car still needs to be repaired. Goodbar may not be able to help even if he wants to. Many Goodbars don’t have much going for them outside of sex appeal. Many are living with their mamas or being sponsored by some older woman. Many can’t keep steady jobs because they are going in and out of so many women that their work experience doesn’t go beyond minimum wage jobs. The more thuggish Goodbars may have money from illegal hustles but despite what many people think most street hustlers don’t make that much money. The reality is that someone working at a burger joint makes more money than the average street cat. My point in all this is to say that Mr. Goodbar is more a romantic dream but then that alarm clock goes off and the woman has to deal with real life. That’s when the Masked Man becomes more attractive.
So women start looking for that educated professional or in the case of lower social classes that blue collar cat that looks like he is making money. Women in general after they go through their Goodbar phase start looking for a successful man with money. Some women will say they are looking for someone “with benefits.” In the Black community in particular someone may say they are looking for a “BMW,” – a “Black Man Working.” I’m not sure about an equivalent term in other communities though the Masked Man thing is prevalent wherever western culture is practiced. Indeed in the white community the line between Goodbar and the Masked Man is EXTREMELY blurred. Now that’s a topic I would have to get into some deep metaphysical knowledge to fully explain. A few African and Native American Shamans know the great secrets though. I won’t share it here. Y’all not ready.
Back on topic, the Masked Man becomes most desirable to women when they want a more stable and grown up relationship. They want a stable home life and someone who can provide the resources for that home life. The women have that biological clock ticking and will want a responsible successful man to be the father. Some women may already have children and want a responsible, successful man to be the stepfather. A game some women will run is to get pregnant by Goodbar and then try to act like the Masked Man is the father. In my opinion that’s why paternity testing should be mandatory. For this reason many very successful men will get vasectomies.
So you get the idea that women go for Masked Men for their money and status. Funny thing is that women in private, in the media, and in public forums, will loudly proclaim they want these men. Indeed on social media there will be memes designed to shame Masked Men into wanting a woman regardless of her physical appearance and emotional baggage. In many ways and situations a woman will get angrier with a Masked Man for rejecting her than Mr. Goodbar. The average woman doesn’t have any expectations from Goodbar beyond good sex. They are looking at the Masked Man, however, as that good catch. He’s the good man they are speaking of when they say there is a shortage. The Masked Man is marriage material. A woman’s biggest problem with the Masked Man is that he is not cooperating with her expectations. In my observation a woman is more likely to get dogged by a Masked Man than by Mr. Goodbar. Let’s get into why I have this observation. I’ll need some help with this one, so I’ll turn to Eric Money. I introduced the character of Eric Money in some previous blogs as a successful man. I didn’t really get into his backstory though.
Eric Money as a teenager was skinny and awkward. He wasn’t the most popular boy in the neighborhood or in school. When girls texted each other about cute boys his name didn’t come up. In the locker room after gym class he didn’t have any stories or good lies about the girls he had been with like the jocks and thugs told. Eric was just someone who was very good academically. The teachers and older women in the community saw his value but the girls were more interested in the popular boys. Eric went through his four years in high school without getting so much as a kiss.
Things got a little bit better for Eric in college. He managed to have sex with a couple of Plain Janes but those were flings that didn’t materialize into relationships as the Plain Janes were more interested in Frat Boys and Jocks. They made it very clear to Eric not to get his expectations up. They both said that he’s a “Nice Guy but…” Eventually Eric graduated college and got a well-paying job as a financial advisor. The women were still not feeling him even with the extra money. Many went on dates with him and pretended to like him so he would spend money on them. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he took a woman on a date and then after the date took her to a house different from where he picked her up. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to the house where a buffed man answered the door wearing nothing but shorts. It was a defining moment for Eric. His view of women changed. Eric was at a crossroads and decided to change his life.
So Eric started reading books and blogs about being successful with women. After reading all the information Eric went into a period of transformation. He started hitting the gym to put muscles on his skinny frame. He developed a better understanding of a woman’s inner nature. The most important thing he did though was stay focused on his career and stopped letting basic women interfere with his self-esteem and life goals. Within a period of a few years Eric was able to put on forty pounds of muscle. He upgraded his wardrobe and personal grooming. Eric started to hang out in more affluent circles as he moved into a house in an upper class neighborhood and only drove late model luxury cars. The main thing he did was to begin to hold the women he dealt with to higher standards. Before his transformation Eric had genuine interest in women who rated at best as sixes on the 1 -10 scale. After his transformation he would give barely give women who rated below an eight the time of day. He wouldn’t even look their direction while out and about. Of course as a result of that dynamic more women became interested in him.
Incidentally I just gave away some game.
Eric transformed into a fully realized Masked Man. No he’s not drop dead handsome. Even with the extra muscles he doesn’t have a great body which would cause a woman to want to take off her panties thinking as the meme says, “I won’t be needing these.” What women see is a man whose demeanor and self-confidence communicates the message that “yes I can succeed and provide resources. Yes I would make a stable husband.” The panties will come off for a different reason. Now here’s where it gets interesting with Masked Men. Women are choosing them but the Masked Men are not choosing them back.
Here’s a reality that women need to grasp. Truth be told women tend to get mad when this reality is pointed out to them. Many don’t want to hear it. Too bad. Women need to get their heads out of the sand because what I’m about to share is a very real dynamic. Many women will reject a man for many reasons. Admittedly some reasons are very good but many are frivolous. The rejection itself might not be that bad. It’s part of life. I personally say that a man can learn a lot from a rejection. Rejection helps a man to grow. The problem though is that many women can’t just graciously reject a man in way that leaves his self-esteem intact. Many women will reject a man in a mean-spirited way. Many women will purposely try to hurt a man’s feelings. For what? All he did was find them attractive and work up the courage to approach them. A woman doesn’t have to want a particular man but don’t make him feel bad that he isn’t tall with a six-pack and pretty eyes. Yet many women have no problem rejecting a man harshly. Too bad many women don’t understand a simple universal principle: What goes around comes around.
When men are rejected they may get out of a particular woman’s face but they don’t really go away. Some men learn how to game women and become straight up dogs. They learn to treat women in a poor way. A woman may reject a particular man and that man turns around and dogs another woman. Some degenerate men may dog that woman’s teenaged daughter even though he’s forty. In the case of the Masked Men he never forgets what made him into what he is.
Here’s a very common scenario that virtually every Masked Man has shared with me. Even a few Goodbars have talked about this as well. Here’s the scenario. When a woman is young, pretty and sexy she will reject a particular man who wanted her badly. The man is typically put in the friend zone so it’s not a case of a man randomly approaching a sexy woman on the street. The young sexy woman knows the man very well. She even likes the man to some extent but for a number of reasons does not want a relationship with him. Even Goodbars will experience this with at least one woman. Rejections like this hurt the man more than a rejection by a random woman on the street. At some point the man moves on to more receptive women. The sexy woman and the man typically fall out of contact with one another.
Now a few years later that woman runs into the man she once friend zoned. The man is now more muscular and confident. He’s a successful Masked Man, well dressed and moving through the world with authority. The woman on the other hand has put on some pounds and has taken some emotional hits from dealing with a few Goodbars and maybe a Demon Lover. She also has a child from one of the Goodbars who refuses to acknowledge the child. She’s struggling in life and she sees this man who always adored her and waited for a long time for her to return his feelings. At that point she finds this man she had friend zoned as VERY attractive. She starts flirting and the nicer Masked Man may let her down easy.
The meaner ones will say, “Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit.”
Once a man gets to a point where he is suddenly desirable after many years of being seen as undesirable he doesn’t all of sudden want the women who rejected him when he was younger. That may work in a romantic comedy and a novel. In real life it doesn’t fly. Now a few Masked Men may have sex with the women who once rejected them in order to dog them out but most will simply not want to be bothered.
There’s more to be said about the Masked Man. We’re talking about complex individuals. I mean women find them attractive for their material possessions and their status but what about the man underneath the mask. Also a reality is that beyond sex a Masked Man really doesn’t have a need for women. I’ll get into all that my next blog.
The Reality of Chasing Mr. Goodbar
In my writings and blogs I paint a relatively benign picture of Mr. Goodbar. I’m also writing about him from a male and personal point of view. There is a dark side to Mr. Goodbar that many women have and will experience. This dark side is more the reality than a happily ever after ending. Many women may chase Mr. Goodbar but only a few will end up with him. Most women will get hurt, dogged, and quite frankly emotionally damaged for the rest of their lives. This isn’t a romance novel where the heroine wins the love of the Alpha Hunk. The reality is a woman crying by herself, or with girlfriends wondering why Goodbar won’t return her texts.
This is what I see out here as far as sexual dynamics. Women are complaining about a shortage of “good men.” Yet when challenged these women admit to having good men who are interested in them. Some of these women are even married to a good man. The women should really just say that they are looking for a man who deliver what a mentor of mine calls “Romantic Intoxication.”
Romantic Intoxication is the state of euphoria a woman feels when she is “in love.” This euphoria comes from a combination of lust and the hormones women release when they really feel good. Many mistake these feelings for love when it is really no different from a man giving a woman a highly potent drug. Women don’t really love the man but rather the feeling they get from being with the man. If women could get the same euphoric feeling from hugging a pumpkin, we would see books and movies with titles like “Addicted to Pumpkin” and “Fifty Shades of Pumpkin.” Mr. Goodbar’s real secret is that he is skilled at inducing a state of euphoria in women. That’s it. Women place men into different categories according to their ability to romantically intoxicate.
Mr. Goodbar is at the top of pyramid because of his combination of looks, personality, and sex appeal. His greatest skill, however, is that he has a highly developed understanding of women. I devote a couple of chapters to this in my book, Nice Guys and Players, the chapters are called “An Understanding of Women,” and “Sexual Chemistry.” A man can improve his success with women just from reading those chapters. Anyway, Mr. Goodbar is like a piece of chocolate or an ice cream sundae. Women want to indulge as much as possible.
The Masked Man doesn’t deliver the same level of intoxication based on looks and raw sex appeal. Masked Men may look good but because they are successful they tend to be more focused on making their money which means they are more serious minded. Serious minded men are not going to approach a woman whispering sweet nothings and promising a good time. Women tend to be attracted to Masked Men because of their money and stability. Mr. Goodbar may be sexy and all but many are also living in their mother’s basement and men who are caught up in having sex with a lot of women tend not to be as focused on making a lot of money. There are exceptions but many Mr. Goodbars are just sexual playthings for many women. When women want grown men they tend to go for the Masked Men. That’s a whole other set of issues I’ll get into with another blog.
Gamesmen and Nice Guys are non-select because they don’t give women that state of euphoria. That’s why women can be around a man who wants them, adores them, and has real love for them and they will put the men into the dreaded friend zone. Some women may still deal with non-select men for lack of better options but will treat these men poorly. These men usually get dropped or cheated on as soon as Mr. Goodbar returns the text. Yet another blog.
Now I’ve observed that many women have no problem chasing Mr. Goodbar. Some will even argue that they are entitled to having these sexy men. What’s not being talked about how Mr. Goodbar truly views these women. This shit gets deep when you think about it. A woman will cheat on her hardworking, devoted, nice man with Mr. Goodbar and then have the nerve to justify it. Her girlfriends will support her choices. I’ve seen cases where even her husband will support her. Now the woman is all happy. She’s having her multiple orgasms, walking around fully in that state of romantic intoxication. All of sudden, she gets real sad. Mr. Goodbar has moved on to greener, and quite frankly, slimmer pastures. The woman is distraught, maybe on suicide watch as her girlfriends (and sometimes husband) try to console her. Mr. Goodbar on the other hand simply doesn’t give a fuck.
Here’s the reality of Mr. Goodbar. He has so many women chasing him, offering him sex and money, making it easy for him to the point that he can be deal with women on his terms. The most common scenario is that when Mr. Goodbar tires of a woman he dismisses her. Kind of like a maid. If he is relatively nice he may tell her. Most just stop calling or texting. MOST women cannot hold Goodbar’s attention.
One major issue I see in this culture’s sexual dynamics is that most women feel like they are more sexually desirable than they actually are. Women feel like if they are in halfway decent shape, have a decent face, nice clothes, and some material things that they should get the top shelf men. Really their heads have been gassed by Gamesmen and Nice Guys. Mr. Goodbar really sees average looking women as merely physical gratification, a mere notch above masturbation.
Many women for whatever reason don’t get the concept that men can be picky too. I see these TV specials and articles with women talking about how wonderful they are and how come men can’t see this. The irony is that some men do see how wonderful they are but women put these men into the friend zone. Mr. Goodbar has all types of women coming at him. He can afford to be picky. Like any normal heterosexual man he is going to be moved by the woman who can get his dick the hardest. So if he has a choice between the pretty fitness chick with the flat stomach and “dat ass” and the Plain Jane with twenty extra pounds around her stomach who do you think he is going to choose? Keep in mind that beautiful women with great bodies want to feel that euphoria as well as any woman. Indeed they will feel it more because they are in better shape.
Oops I just gave away a great game secret.
Some women know this so when they deal with Goodbar they know they have to make it easier. A Plain Jane knows that she can’t insist on Goodbar taking her on an expensive date because he has zero incentive to do so. She may have to tell him straight up she’ll suck his dick or pay his way on the date. Some may buy Goodbar some clothes or let him drive their cars. Plain Janes are at the mercy of Goodbar. A few may have to allow Goodbar to do things sexually with them that they would slap another man for even thinking about. Even with all of that Goodbar will still come and goes as he pleases. The number of women in arrangements like this is actually quite high.
There are many women who initiate divorce from their good men in order to get with Goodbar. Then they end up getting their hearts broken when Goodbar dogs them out. The lucky ones get to go back to their husbands. The rest get screwed because their husbands have enough self-respect to kick them to the curb.
Women really need to think about their choices. Now some women get mad when a man tells them they need to look at their choices. I say this though. Women don’t have to heed what myself or any other man says. Go ahead and do you. See understand that men have a selection criteria as well. The top thing on that criteria is physical appearance. The second thing is personality. The only thing that might make a man relax his physical requirements is a great personality and that’s usually only the case when the man is more emotionally mature. Even those mature men still like “dat ass.” But I digress.
The reality of Mr. Goodbar is that MOST women will never have a shot at him. He’s a fantasy figure. The only women who have any sort of chance of winning Mr. Goodbar are the most physically attractive women. And that’s usually when Goodbar is older and ready to settle down. See the movies, romance novels, and comedians turned relationship experts got most women thinking they have a chance. Even the women who do get with Mr. Goodbar are likely to have their feelings hurt and will deal with the repercussions for the rest of their lives. A few women may even take their own lives.
Women have to let go of romantic illusions and start facing reality.
August 17th, 2014
August 10th, 2014
The following is an excerpt from my unpublished manuscript, "Being Mr. Goodbar."
Many things I saw as Mr. Goodbar knowing full well others saw as well, but ignored the reality as a business executive ignores the reality of the homeless man in front of his office building. The reality I speak of and that which people choose to ignore or pretend doesn’t exist is that of unfaithful women. There was a time I wanted to ignore this reality as well regarding the few women I knew cheated on their mates as anomalies rather than the norm. Such was the naiveté of my younger years.
Mr. Goodbar sees with different eyes and this Mr. Goodbar sees with his third eye.
I wonder how many women I have been intimate with had another man they paraded publicly as their one and only while we sweated in a motel on the outskirts of the city. Was it 50 percent? 60? 70? 80? 90? Perhaps the question should be not how many of them had boyfriends or maybe even husbands but rather how many didn’t have a publicly acknowledged significant other.
For a long time such encounters didn’t betray my code of conduct, as their men were their problems and not mine. Whatever the requisite lie they told their men was not my business. I only needed to know when to call, when to show up and when to act like I didn’t know her.
How many times have I been the other man? Giving women delights their public paramours were unable or unwilling to provide.
So many times as their faces and names blur in my memory.
With one, her hardworking man couldn’t indulge her wish to dance and party. She saw something in me as we sat at the subway station waiting for our rush hour train. She said he wouldn’t understand her need to express herself with other men on the dance floor. Apparently not in a parking lot either as I grinded her against my car beginning foreplay which would culminate on her living room couch. Her bed was reserved for her man who would arrive at her apartment two hours after I climaxed.
With another it was on the rooftop of a university’s parking garage. For her the element of danger was her aphrodisiac as she provided oral stimulation in broad daylight stripped to the underwear bearing the color of her well-known sorority. She was a steady partner over the years as I provided adventure as a counter balance to her otherwise buppie existence. With her though I might have been one of many as her would be future husband toiled in a corporate office working for his piece of the American dream.
Sometimes it would be a brief affair as one would break up with her man as he failed to answer her ultimatum of “marriage or else." I gave her one more chance at guilt free sex before her man concluded that he wasn’t the player he thought he was and decided marriage wasn’t such a bad idea.
So many women, so many circumstances. I began to become weary of playing the game with another man’s woman. It wasn’t that someone’s man ever confronted me. Women are very good at cheating. She has her ingenuity and the man’s ego on her side. A woman can fix her husband’s breakfast in the morning, getting him off to work and the children off to school. The man and children are barely gone for five minutes when she gets in her car to ostensibly run errands but somehow ends up in small apartment 20 miles outside the city with a man of bulging muscles and Olympian stamina. After having her fill of him in more ways than one she is back home with the afternoon snack ready for the children and the beginning of dinner for the her husband. He is none the wiser as his ego tells him she is truly his woman even though they only have sex once a week and she’s always running errands.
One thing to realize is that men and women cheat differently. When men cheat they will take their women out on the town, especially if she is a pretty hot young thing. His ego swells as other men look on in jealousy. Yes, he is the man until his wife gets a phone call from her friend who asks why was the husband out with a girl half his age.
Women on the other hand keep their affairs private. They only need the man for one thing and this is easily accomplished in a hotel or apartment. For the truly bold, in her living room while her man is away.
I became disgusted not so much because they cheated on devoted men but how easily they would do so. It didn’t require a verbal enticement on my part nor showing the inadequacies of their men. Most often it was simply being available and down for whatever. Some cheated so easily that I would be surprised that they mentioned that they did indeed have mate. Other of my Brethren have regaled me with similar tales.
Even when I began to screen for women with men some would still slip through the barriers as the omission of the truth came easily in their pursuit of the intoxication I represented.
She was beautiful, a doctoral student with the body and confidence of an exotic dancer. She was stimulating both mentally and physically, having a grasp of politics and history that impressed me as I was used to conversations full of sexual innuendo. We were having a good time when she decided to be up front about her relationship situation.
“I have a boyfriend back home,” she told me apologetically.
My happy mood faded. “Why didn’t you tell me before we went out?”
“You wouldn’t have wanted to go out with me.”
I shook my head as I thought about what to do with her. She did have a nice booty. It wouldn’t be the first time I got with another man’s woman.
Honestly, many women are hypocrites. They will fill hotel ballrooms to hear about how and why men cheat but they never publicly want their own actions to face scrutiny. The cheating man is not getting with another man, the DL brothas being a tiny exception. Regardless of the cheating man, what’s said about the woman who cheats on her mate? They can pretend otherwise but my Brethren and I know what’s up.
July 13th, 2014