I first talked about Roger (not his real name) in my “Do The Work” blog entry from a while ago. Anyway knowing him he was just finishing his morning workout after a night of doing the Lord’s Work with a now blissed out woman. For those who don’t know the term “Lord’s Work” is a code term we use in our circle for taking a woman to a higher level of sexual bliss so that she sees Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Shiva, Ausar, Galactus, the Great Pumpkin, or whatever deity she chooses to worship. Seriously though, sacred sexuality is indeed a spiritual path for some. Now I might have to do a book on that.
Anyways, Roger texted me asking if I ever watched a show called Four Weddings where women judge each other weddings and the winner gets some type of grand prize. His point was how these shows get women into some type of fantasy land. He wrote, “What’s really telling is listening to the ‘grown’ women, they sound like a 13 year old.” The texts back and forth made me think of the whole issue of romantic illusions and how they affect relationships. I touched on the issue in my blog “The Reality of Chasing Mr. Goodbar.” I need to get deeper into this issue because the reality is that women and quite frankly many men as well are chasing romantic fantasies and are missing out of fulfilling relationships.
With women it’s more obvious. Many women are chasing Mr. Goodbar or the Masked Man. Really what they are doing is chasing that perfect man. They are chasing men that match a romantic ideal Mr. Goodbar comes closest to it naturally. They will have the looks, charisma, and are challenging enough to turn women on. The heroes in the romance novels are typically Alpha Males or Bad Boys where the big deal is a woman getting one of these men to fall for them. In real life women are the real hunters. Their game though is to draw men to them. Romance novels play on that subliminal desire. Only thing in real life, true Alpha Males are “my way or the highway” type of guys who will only deal with a woman on their terms or not at all. Any successful relationship will require some type of compromise on the part of both parties. In real life Bad Boys are just that: bad. It may make a nice novel or romantic movie where a Bad Boy shows his sensitive side to the heroine and at the end declares his undying love. The reality is that the Bad Boy will likely leave the woman scarred for life.
The media is screwing up a lot of women’s heads. There are women out here rejecting decent men who love and support them for no other reason than he didn’t bring them a certain type of flower or the box of chocolates wasn’t big enough. Many women will throw the baby out with the bath water. Then they’ll get with the player who does all the romantic things but then when it’s time for the player to stand up and be a man such as when there is a family emergency and the woman needs real support, the player disappears. Another scenario is when the woman marries the romantic man then discovers she is dealing with a little boy. She didn’t gain a husband she got a son.
These issues are going to continue for the simple reason that the romantic illusions form a major part of the economy. There is a lot of money to be made. Straight up I’ve thought about learning how to write a romance novel because that’s a big industry. There are mediocre writers from a technical point view who have become millionaires from writing romance. Don’t get me started on the movie industry. I’ll use one example from the movies, Tyler Perry. Now a lot of people focus on the Medea character which in my view isn’t the main appeal of his movies. Nor is it the Christian themes. The main appeal of a Tyler Perry movie is that you will have a woman that made some unfortunate choices in life have a light-skinned blue collar pretty boy fall in love with her and he is willing to go through some crap to get with her even to the point of saving her from the evil chocolate professional brotha. (See Note)
Now I can’t let the men off the hook. Even though women with romantic illusions is obvious to any thinking human being, the reality is that many men suffer from the same issue. As far as I know there aren’t any romance novels that caters to a men’s desire but there are many examples in the media of average men with hot wives going back to the Honeymooners. Alice was fine. How she end up with Ralph Kramden? That’s a very common theme in television and movies. You have the ugly or out of shape man with the hot sexy wife. Just like women are influenced by romantic literature and movies, men have been influenced for generations by this imagery. To the point that it can be very traumatic for a man to truly realize that yes looks MATTER to a woman. Now a woman can get past looks depending on what else the man is bringing to the table but unless that man has some serious sexual skills that he manages to communicate to the woman, in most cases the average woman will reject a man just on looks. Even in cases where the man is spending money on her she will try to limit physical contact. The women who choose money over looks are usually sugar babies. Even a sugar baby will sleep with a man for free if he is good looking to her. Ask me how I know.
One community that takes advantage of men’s romantic illusions is the PUA Community which quite frankly is more of an industry led by many men and some women who have a general message of telling average to ugly men that with the proper training they too can seduce the extremely beautiful and sexy women. I will give the industry props for helping men to develop social skills which are needed. There are some realities that are not dealt with though. Too many men, regardless of how they look, think that some words and actions will cause a woman to feel attraction for them. Then when they fail they are ready to blame the instructors calling them scam artists or the women for being flaky with issues. The women just aren’t attracted to them physically and all the words, money, and status is not going to change that. Let me share the REAL reason why many of these men fail with women.
Often when men go to clubs or walking down the street they will see these hot, sexy women. They approach them with lines or their wallets out trying to impress these women. They fail miserably unless they run into a sugar baby. See the men are only seeing the surface of these women. They are seeing the woman wearing that short dress with the perky breasts, flat stomach, “dat ass,” and toned legs. What many of these men don’t see is what the women did to get those tight bodies. These women with these tight bodies usually spend hours in the gym. Very, very FEW women can maintain a tight body without working out or engaging in a physical activity. Indeed in talking with some very hot women over the years I would find out they were jocks in high school. If not jocks they had been into dance which requires the same discipline as any sport. These women DID THE WORK for their bodies. Let me share something.
The gym I go to has a lot of hot young women who are either jocks or cheerleaders. My workout is about an hour or two. There are many young women who have already worked out a good sweat by the time I get there and even when I finish a long workout they are still pushing. They don’t play either. The gym I go to has Smith Machines that are used for bench pressing and squats. When I go to the gym young women will be lined up to do squats on the Smith Machine. One petite young girl was ready to cut me when I was about to jump on the machine to do bench presses and she wasn’t finished doing squats. I kid you not.
So these women are pushing their bodies to be as fit as possible. Why would they be turned on by a man who doesn’t put in the same effort to stay in shape? One thing the Alphas and the Bad Boys will have is above average body builds.
Back on the main topic, men and women need to start dealing with reality. I know a young lady who broke this down for me. By her own admission she is a six. She’s a real cool Plain Jane who has no problem with men even very attractive ones. I asked her secret and she said, “Rom, I’m easy and I bring the beer.” She has no romantic notions about men. Many women though are in their forties and fifties still looking for a man to sweep them off their feet. I’m reminded of a passage in The Autobiography of Malcolm X:
All of that Hollywood stuff! Like these women wanting men to pick them up and carry them across thresholds and some of them weigh more than you do. I don’t know how many marriage breakups are caused by these movie and television-addicted women expecting some bouquets and kissing and hugging and being swept out like Cinderella for dinner and dancing – then getting mad when a poor, scraggly husband comes in tired and sweaty from working like a dog all day, looking for some food.
Women are passing up decent men because they are not the most romantic but want these same men when the rest of life is kicking their ass.
Men are passing up decent women because regardless of what they look like they feel because they make a little bit more money than the average man they should have the top tier women. Then want to know what happened when that sugar baby has emptied half their back account.
Let me end with this observation. The happiest couples I have seen in my life are not extremely beautiful. Even when I have seen two beautiful people together they don’t always look happy. Some of the happiest couples I’ve seen are physically homely and out of shape. Thing is they are homely and out of shape with each other. Even when the happy couples weren’t homely they shared the same subculture. One time I was doing a seminar and there was a Goth couple there and my seminar was on finding the right mate. To get deeper a person’s right mate will generally be the person they would be if they were born the opposite sex. For example, a macho, assertive man as a woman would be submissive and alluring. When I said that everybody looked at the Goth couple and started smiling. The Goths themselves gave me that head nod that told me they agreed with me. See many people are just realistic about who they are and who they can attract and they are good with it. They don't have unrealistic romantic expectations.
A big issue particularly in Black relationships and also in any non-white racial and ethnic group is that of colorism. The issues facing chocolate complexioned Black women have been well discussed such as in the documentary Dark Girls. What is not as addressed is that many of the men Black women will classify as Mr. Goodbar will tend to be light complexioned with less coarse hair, "good hair." A popular archetype in urban communities is a light complexioned pretty boy with tattoos and long hair either in a bushy pony tail or braided. Though some more chocolate celebrities are promoted as ideal (Idris Elba or Denzel Washington) the reality is that the light skin player has never really gone out of style. Like many things it hasn't been talked about publically because of an atmosphere of political correctness. Young players know what works though. The issue of colorism is something beyond the scope of this blog which in the final analysis is simply the viewpoints of this writer. Something of this scale requires a more academic approach complete with field studies, Ph.D. level research, and numerous footnotes. Though I am academically qualified to do such a project it's not something that I can give the proper time and attention that it deserves.