Category: Average Joe

Nice Guys and Players in a Nutshell

11/22/2015

  Back in the nineties, I was vending at an event in a popular DC restaurant and nightclub. While I was there I passed out a survey to many old and young women.   The survey required the women to read a statement and then answer a question.   The statement described a man who was handsome, muscular, educated, and had money.   The question to the women was what they would do with such a man.   The older women looked at the question and said things like get to know him and treat him with respect.   An interesting thing happened with the younger women. Not a single one answered the question. I saw one of the women just sit down and stare at the survey.    I thought about their reactions and searched for reasons why they would respond this way.   The search for solutions eventually led to the publication of my book, Nice Guys and Players (NGAP).

            The problem is that most men and women think in “either/or” terms with regard to how men are categorized.   They think that a man can only be a Nice Guy or a Player but not both.   A popular concept in certain male-dominated circles is “Alpha Fux, Beta Bux.”   This line of thinking says that women will have their sexual adventures with tall good looking Alpha males but when it comes time to marry they seek Beta males as stable financial providers.   This isn’t theory. This something anybody with a little bit of common sense sees happening all the time.   How many women have had wild uninhibited sex with pretty boys and jocks when they were young, in some cases having their babies, and then end up with an average looking dude who has a steady job?   Some women even marry the Average Joe and still hook up with the Fine Man every now and then.    It doesn’t have to be this way.   Who says a man can’t be an Alpha who fux and a Beta with bux?   A man can be both a Nice Guy AND a Player.

            When I was selling my book at expos and other vending events I had the same basic sales pitch.   I would say that, “Women like the Nice Guy because he’s supportive emotionally but he doesn’t turn them on sexually. Women like the Player sexually but he has five other women. The ideal man for a woman has the supportive traits of a Nice Guy but can turn on a woman like a Player.”   Women and Players got the concept right away.   They were my biggest customers. Selling the book to Nice Guys and men who thought they had game was like pulling teeth.   I’ve actually got into arguments with Nice Guys to the point I was ready to go to their jaws.   These Nice Guys couldn’t conceive that a man could be everything to a woman. It’s very possible though. I don’t write theories. Every single thing I’ve written in my books is something I’ve observed in the real world.   I’ll share some examples.

            I’ve spent a lot of time in gyms both as a member and as an employee.   As such I’ve got to know a lot of men.   Also in my former corporate life my social circle consisted primarily of educated professionals with post graduate degrees.   I’ve known several men who women described as handsome, these men were muscular, athletic as I played ball with some of them, and were sexually appealing to women.   The women these men had as wives, girlfriends, and lovers, were straight Dimes.   At the same time these men were high earning attorneys, doctors, and business owners.   I knew one dude who could dominate pickup basketball game, then bench press 400 lbs., go visit his beautiful girlfriend, and the next morning prepare for an important court case.

            Too many men limit themselves.   The key is being holistic.   If a man really reads my books without looking for some type of technique to pick up women they will see I give them the keys to the kingdom.   Everything comes down to developing both the mind and the body.   Most people who read my books see that I emphasize developing the body.   What most people don’t see is that I also talk about developing the mind as well.   I saw a negative review of NGAP that tried to make fun of me saying that men need to read more books.   The reviewer thought he was being slick but really he was an idiot.   The point of reading is to introduce ideas to the mind which will develop a person’s thinking.   Personally to keep my mind sharp I like reading books which challenged my belief systems.   Sometimes my thinking would change on a particular subject, and sometimes my stance would become stronger.   The thing is my mind gets the same level of exercise as my body.

            I don’t see any reason why a man cannot be a Nice Guy AND a Player.   I’ve known men who developed into both. I’ve known men who were good guy, do right types who changed their luck with women simply because they developed muscular bodies and changed their wardrobe.   When I used to have a bookstand years ago, men who were straight up, true to the game Thugs would buy out the books I had that dealt with history, religion, and holistic living.   These men became even more appealing to women as a result.

            In a nutshell, if a man wants not just women but a fulfilling life where he is living his purpose he must strive every day to develop both his mind and his body.   He has become both the Alpha who fux and the Beta with bux. He must become both a Nice Guy AND a Player.

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Incompatibility and Unrealistic Expectations

11/15/2015

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The following is a chapter from my latest book, "A Player's Eyes." The title was based on a book I read back in the early nineties called "In Search of Goodpussy" by Don Spears. Check it out and really think about what I'm saying.

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One of the first relationship books I read back in the day was by a gentleman named Don Spears.   The book was called, “In Search of Goodpussy.”   Yeah that was the title.   The gist of the book was about how men, particularly Black men, were looking for love in their relationships.   Don Spears covered a lot of issues that are still relevant today even though his book was published in 1991.   One chapter was entitled, “Incompatibility and Unrealistic Expectations.” In that chapter he said the biggest reasons relationships fail is that the two people were incompatible with each other and that they had unrealistic expectations that such a relationship would work.   Let’s look at the unrealistic expectation piece first.

            The biggest single problem in male/female relationships is that most people are not realistic in searching for a mate.   You have plain looking, average shaped women with boring personalities thinking they can get a top tier male.   These women will not only reject men who are more in their league as far as looks and personality but they will do so with an attitude.   Even when they manage to hook up with a Select Man in most cases they are not really compatible.   Bomb sex doesn’t mean that two people need to be together outside the bedroom.   Dude could just have that good dick which he shares with five other women.   Yet Plain Jane thinks its love when she is really just a cool booty call.   Then when Plain Jane realizes that Mr. Goodbar doesn’t love her all men become dogs until she starts to swoon in the arms of another sexy dude.

            The bad part in all of this is that her Plain Jane girlfriends will encourage her in this. They know their girl don’t look good in those yoga pants and that she should stop doing her own hair.   They will be the main ones saying that pretty boy don’t know what he’s missing out on.   Her girlfriends ain’t being honest with her because they want to believe they can get a rich pretty boy too.

            The irony is that Plain Jane will have an Average Joe who is feeling her basic looking self, even with the muffin top. She can even be in a relationship with him. Average Joe treats her well, holds her hand in public, and is even decent in bed.   Of course her jealous girlfriends start getting in her ear about how she could do better.   Average Joe is just a regular looking dude who could stand to lose some weight and needs to buy clothes from places other than a discount store. Plus her girlfriends are jealous that Jane has a man at all as no one is blowing up their phones or liking their pictures on social media.   Jane starts listening to her girlfriends and kicks Average Joe to the curb for some minor shit.   Story don’t end there though.

            Few women will kick a man to the curb without having another man in mind.   Jane has been checking out this tall muscular dude she has been seeing around the mall where she works, Dexter Goodbar.   Dude starts being friendly to Jane after she had said hi to him every time she saw him for a month. Her sexual interest shows all over her face so Dexter marks her for sex somewhere down the road.   Jane, being in her fantasy world thinks she has a chance so after getting rid of Average Joe she fixes her hair a bit and starts wearing body shaping garments under her clothes. She even shops for new outfits and finally joins a gym.   Dexter takes notice and gives her his number. She blows up his phone and friends him on social media.   They eventually have sex after he invites her over to chill.   They go hot and heavy for a month before he decides to kick her to the curb.   A Dime made herself available to him and he didn’t want to be seen in public with Jane anyway.

            Plain Jane goes into depression because she realized that she was just a sex toy for Goodbar as he never went out with her.   To add to that depression she finds out that Average Joe is now going out with one of the women who told her to get rid of Average Joe to begin with.   The problem was Plain Jane wasn’t realistic as to who she was and the type of man she could actually get.

            It’s just as bad for men.   There are many Non-Select men who can probably get a decent woman.   That woman will not be a Dime though.   For every woman who is insistent on getting an A-1 man there is a woman who has enough common sense to be good with an Average Joe.   Thing is, many Average Joes don’t want those women.   Dude is plain-looking or even ugly.   He isn’t tall, doesn’t have an athletic body, and has very little style as far as dressing.   His personality is dull.   Yet many of these men because they have a steady job with decent pay think they should get a Dime.   Not just a Dime but a Dime who will fuck them like a pornstar.   I’ve heard numerous Average Joes articulate this in one form or another.

            These men don’t seem to grasp that a beautiful woman who is good at sex will want a similar man.   A woman know she got a pretty face, firm breasts, a small waist, and a phat round ass.   Good genes gave her the face and three hours in the gym, six days a week gave her the body.   Her hard work on her job supplemented by men with big credit limits paid for her hair and tight dresses. The fuck will this Dime want with some homely, pudgy, or skinny dude who can’t engage her in a stimulating conversation?   There are some men who honestly think a Dime wants a fucked up looking dude humping her for three minutes.   A Dime more so than a Plain Jane wants Mr. Goodbar.   The more a woman is in good physical shape especially internally the more she will be aroused by a man with a great body.

            Many Average Joes, Good Guys, Nerdy Guys, and Gamesmen think they have a real chance with a Dime.   It’s easier to lie to themselves instead of doing the work necessary to become desirable.   After the Non-Select men get rejected for the umpteenth time they either withdraw from the game or take to the Internet where they can call women bitches and thots.

            The problem comes down to people not staying in their lane.   Many men and women want that ideal figure as opposed to the person they can actually get.   So many men and women are chasing unicorns and then get depressed when they don’t find that special person.   It’s not that the person don’t exist, it’s just that the person may not look like someone’s romantic ideal on the surface.   I’m not saying go for someone who is physically unattractive to you.   It’s just that often when people are chasing Dexter Goodbar or Julie Dime they pass over decent people right in their midst.   People who are not only decent looking but have compatible personalities.

            So many people out here are looking for surface shit.   Thing is being attracted to the outer shell is normal and necessary in a balanced relationship.   Notice I said balanced.   Fuck political correctness, a person needs to like to look at their mates.   The problem is that people put so much stock in the outer that they miss the inner.   That’s why a lot of men and women get burned.   You might like a person’s face and body but what if that person practices a value system that is in opposition to your own?   The physical aspect of the relationship will be good for a few months but problems will occur once the value systems and personalities start to show themselves.

            I’ve known several Dimes in my life.   Some were compatible to my personality and some were not.   It didn’t make anyone bad but any relationship with the incompatible women beyond sex would have caused me mental anguish.   So many men chase these incompatible women anyway.   Yeah they look good to family and friends but behind closed doors many men are getting their asses kicked emotionally.   I’ve had men tell me the vile shit some women did to them and they would always end the conversation with, “she had a phat ass though.”

            I’ve known a few extremely handsome men in my life.   It would seem like they had it made. Nope they got their foul shit too.   I’ve not only known these men, I’ve known their women as well.   The women found out the hard way that all that glitters is not gold.   Piercing eyes and a pretty smile have fucked up many a woman’s head.   The problem was that women didn’t think in terms of compatibility.   A handsome man making a woman laugh is just that, a handsome man making a woman laugh.   If a man look good enough he could say “poo poo” in a monotone voice and the woman will think it’s the funniest and sexiest thing she has ever heard.   A muscular body can make a man a comic genius to a horny woman.   This doesn’t speak to whether they are compatible yet a woman will think they are right for each other.

            Ultimately people need to balance how they choose a mate.   First they have to be realistic. If a man is 5’7”, twenty pounds overweight, with an average face, and sporadic employment history it would be unrealistic for him to think that a 5’11” Dime with a killer body and high paying job is going to want him.   The woman who might feel him may be plain looking with extra weight around her stomach.   Thing is she is shorter than him and will tolerate his inability to keep a steady job as long as he treats her right. She even thinks he’s cute.

            If a woman is plain faced, slim, without any curves or breasts, and dull personality it isn’t realistic to think she’ll get a tall muscular man with money and charisma.   Only in poorly written romance novels does this happen.   If she does get such a man he will likely use her to do things sexually his girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to do.   The best man for this woman is someone who likes slim and quiet women who may be average looking with a modest income and equally dull personality.

            Bottom line is that people have to have realistic expectations of potential mates and they have to be compatible.

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The Female Gaze

4/26/2015

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            The video above fits in perfectly with the theme of today’s blog.   I’m sure people think that “Chocolate City” is a rip-off of “Magic Mike.”   Whatever. I’ve known Black male strippers going back to the nineties.   One woman even offered me money to dance at a friend’s birthday.   The conversation went something like this:

            Woman: I would love for you to come dance at my friend’s birthday party.

            Rom: I’m not a stripper though.   I don’t have any rhythm. I don’t think I’ll be very entertaining.

            The woman looked me up and down while licking her lips.

            Woman: You got pretty eyes and you’re muscular. I don’t think they’re going to care if you’re on beat.

            I’ve had some interesting life experiences.

            The past week I’ve been seeing many signs of how women feel about a man’s physical appearance.   I was in a department store at a local mall the other day.   Now, I’m one of those people that knows everybody particularly the ladies.   Grocery store, “Hey Rom.” Comic book store, “Hey Rom.” Mall kiosk, “Hey Rom.” Amish farmers market, “Hey Rom.”   Of course that last one is said with a Pennsylvania Dutch accent. Anyway I was at the department store and all my young female sales associate friends were going crazy over this one customer.   They dude had a swimmers build, with sleeve tattoos and a full well-groomed beard.   He was dressed real well.   These young girls look like they had several orgasms just from seeing the man. I asked one young girl where she would rate the man on a scale from 1 to 10.   She thought about it, looked up at me with a giddy expression on her face, and said, “9.9.”

            Okay then.

            Many men want to believe a man’s physical appearance doesn’t turn on women sexually the same way that a woman’s physical appearance turns them on.   Many women even try to promote this idea.   Bullshit.   Women are probably worse in this regard.   A man will still deal with a less than attractive woman if she is easy enough.   That’s why many men will go for ugly, overweight women. They believe it will be easier to have sex with the woman. Women are not that way.   The reason why so many women are single is that they are not physically attracted to the men they see every day.   Instead of women saying there is a shortage of “good men,” women would be more truthful in saying that there is a shortage of “good looking men.”

            Think about it like this.   A popular saying is that all the “good men are either married, in jail, or gay.”   If good means “good for women” as in moral character and most importantly being interested in women, how are men in jail or gay, “good?”    Think about it now.   One thing that men in jail and many who are gay have in common is that they hit the gym.   A professional bodybuilder broke it down perfectly for me. He said that women flock to the jails because many of those men have nothing else to do but lift weights.   I’ve heard women use the term “Prison Body” when describing a man’s body.

            Let me be clear before I go further. When I say “physical appearance” I don’t mean just a man’s facial features.   When many people talk about looks they are only referring to a person’s face.   There is a subculture of men on the internet who feel like if they get plastic surgery they will also get attention from beautiful women.   Sorry Charlie.   Many Nice Guys actually have good bone structures.   I knew this dude who had the square jaw of a movie star.   He was also a total nerd who dressed poorly and was built like a man who didn’t quite reach puberty. Physical appearance is the total package.   I’ll get more into that later.   We need to look at the factors of how things got to the point where someone like me could get offered money to dance at a party.

            Women being turned on by a man’s physical appearance is nothing new.   It’s been that way as long as there has been a human race.   As a result women gravitated to the most physical appealing men. Research has shown that all the people alive today are descended from a relatively small percentage of men.   For reference sake I let’s use the term Genetic Alpha Males.   The Genetic Alpha Males were the healthiest, most fit looking men. It had nothing to do with behavior. It didn’t then and it doesn’t now.   All these female teachers sleeping with their male students aren’t sleeping with them because the boys are take charge types.   They are sleeping with them because they have tight bodies.   The teachers always seem to pick the jocks and not the school nerds or fat kids.

            What happened in history though is that in different cultures the Genetic Beta Males observed what was going on and realized they needed to change some things if they were going to pass their genes into the future or at least get steady sex. Gradually, cultural paradigms began to develop which would cause women to be able to spread the wealth so to speak.   One cultural paradigm is religion.   Many religions work in some way to control a woman’s natural sexual urges.   Another cultural paradigm is the idea that women are more naturally monogamous. Yeah right. One cultural paradigm that developed was having women dependent on men for economic security.   The paradigm that evolved was that women would trade their physical beauty for economic security from the man most willing to provide for them.   So instead of women going for the man who was most physically appealing they went for the man with the most money.   Now as society became more industrialized the man who had the most money may have been the Genetic Beta Male.   This state of affairs became so ingrained in the culture that people think it is a genetic feature in humanity. Naw, it’s a learned behavior that might have stayed intact if not for a major paradigm shift that happened in the last forty years in Western culture.

            Feminism.

            In terms of relationships feminism's greatest impact was to free women in general from being economically dependent on men.   Women can CHOOSE to have a man provide for them but they don’t NEED a man to provide for them.   This is a very major paradigm shift.   The main game for men collectively in the last few thousand years had never been to simply look good.   The main game has never been to appeal to women using romantic gestures.   The main game was always to have a willingness to be a provider.      Unless a man is a multi-millionaire, the size of a man’s wallet doesn’t matter the way it once did to women.   Women these days got well-paying jobs, they have nice size houses, big cars, and nice retirement plans.   They don’t NEED money from a man.   Women can survive economically on their own.   The trump card of millions of men has been taken away.

            There’s a subculture of men on the internet who are involuntarily celibate or as they known, Incels.   Most of these men self-describe themselves as physically unattractive.   There is however another group of men who I would consider involuntarily celibate.   These are regular men with good paying jobs who are still single.   They don’t have movie star facial features and are not built like male strippers.   Many just work and go home.   Many engage in sex tourism.

            What Feminism has done has freed the female gaze.   Before a woman could see a good looking man, maybe even have sex with him on rare occasions.   Long term though she had to think in terms of whether the man had a good job and would do the right with her.   Not anymore.   Women are free to have sex with whoever they want.   If a woman sees a handsome, well-built man she can have sex with him to her heart’s delight.   There are several forms of protection, and if she gets pregnant many women have the means to take care of a child by themselves.   Even a poor woman can get state assistance.   Many women use the child support system to get money for their children without the burden of having to marry the man.   The bottom line in all this is that women are free to pursue a man based on nothing else but his physical appearance.

            Now there are some women who will disagree with what I just wrote. They will say that they care about his personality and income potential.   They want him to have plans.   Two things. One, in the Select/Non-Select paradigm that exists in the relationship culture the men who are solidly in the select group are there because of their physical appearance. Money and personality are secondary concerns. There are plenty of men in the non-select group who have money and great personalities.   They also have a regular physical appearance.    I’ve done a lot of workshops and seminars.   One game I played in my head at these events was called, “Spot the Goodbar.”   As I would be talking or sitting on a panel I would look around the room and pick out the men I believed were seen by women as Mr. Goodbar.   After the workshops I would approach the men and ask, “So how the ladies treating you?”   I could tell from a man’s response whether women saw him as Select or Non-Select.   My accuracy rate was 100 percent as far as picking out Goodbars.   I could tell by the man’s body build and also how he dressed.   I could also tell by how many women would be checking him out.   On many occasions women would approach me and ask, “So who’s your friend?”

            The second thing is that many women act like they don’t care about a man’s physical appearance because they don’t want a man to judge them on their physical appearance.    Many women publically will say that, “all women are beautiful.”   Privately they are quick to call a woman ugly. Also many women deep down don’t see themselves as attractive.   Just like there are Select and Non-Select men, there are Select and Non-Select women.    Men are straight up about going for physically attractive women.   Quite unapologetic about it.   The Select women are the ones with the pretty faces and shapely bodies. In general, personality is a secondary concern.   The Non-Select women are the Plain Janes and ugly women otherwise known as Coyotes.   Many women work to get men to see past a woman’s unattractiveness.   It’s tough to do if women admitted that a man needs to be physically attractive. Now certain classes of beautiful women have no problem saying a man needs to be “fine.”   Unattractive women saying the same thing get clowned.   They do, however, say it privately. Plus I have known several good-looking men who like to go Coyote hunting. Think real hard on the following statement.

            If a man’s physical appearance didn’t matter why are there several gainfully employed, good character having, drug and disease free, child-free, home-owning men who are not only single but are involuntarily celibate?

            Women have always been honest about their true feelings with me.   I have had women tell me straight up the only reason they have rejected a particular man was that he was ugly.   I can think of only ONE time when a woman said she rejected a man because of his CHARACTER. Out of conversations with THOUSANDS of women, ONE time? Now in public these same women will pull reasons for rejecting a man out of the air, talking about the man’s political leanings, his job status, and even his shoes.

            At the same time I’ve had women tell me the reasons they slept with a particular man.   It had nothing to do with character.   I’ve had several women tell me they sucked a man’s dick for no other reason than they liked his eyes.   Other women have told me they liked a man because of his hair.   I’ve known church girls who have slept with men because they were pretty boys. I have NEVER had a woman tell me she slept with a man because he was a mentor to neighborhood boys and that he was active in his church.   I NEVER had a woman tell me she slept with a woman because of his CHARACTER.   Indeed many women complain when the muscle man they just rode for an hour has a jacked up personality.

            Don’t get me started.

            So I know the Average Joe watched the video at the beginning of the blog and read everything and is feeling depressed.   They are feeling like they lost the genetic lottery.   Here’s the thing about physically attractive men. Most didn’t start off that way.   Very, very few men are physically attractive from birth.   Very, very few women are physically attractive from birth.   In my personal opinion people who are physically beautiful based on pure genetics are as rare as true redheads.   If one were to see the high school pictures of most male actors who are sex symbols they would see some dorks.   People who are physically attractive have to work.   When I go to my gym, I see beautiful young women who spend two to three hours working out. They will run, lift weights and do squats to get their bodies right.   I know one very beautiful young lady who looks like a 5’9” real life Barbie.   She also played basketball, volleyball, and ran track in high school.   Indeed here’s a little “game” for the fellas. When you meet a woman in great shape ask her if she played organized sports.   95 percent of the time she will answer yes and smile because you just validated her. You now have a conversation opener.   Bottom line is that beautiful people do the work.

            Now I want to end this blog with two men I know/known who are/were considered physically attractive to women.   One I will call Zac because he looks like Zac Efron.   Now Zac is trying to break into the modeling field.   Not only does he facially look like Zac Efron but he lifts weights like crazy.   In addition when I see him at the mall where he works he is always in a nice suit and wears good shoes. His haircut and beard are always well groomed and he wears studs that compliment his overall look.   Plus he has some tattoos.   This is the after picture.   When he was high school he looked like a total dork.   He had a plain haircut, no muscles, and a goofy smile.   What he did was build himself up.   He went from getting no play from girls to having girls approach him. Very beautiful girls.   He did the work.

            The second man who had the women going crazy was a man I’ll call Jay.   From what women told me he had an average face.   He wasn’t muscular but he wasn’t fat either.   He stayed in good shape.   Jay was considered attractive because of his grooming and his fashion game.   He always had a fresh haircut and always kept his face shaved.   Jay was stylish even in casual clothes.   I played basketball with him and even playing in pickup games his shirt, shorts, socks, and shoes were coordinated.    Jay was one of those cats who wouldn’t go to the grocery store without making sure his shirt was ironed, pants creased, shoes shined, and cologne just right.   That was an art.

              One thing with women is that they look at the whole package.   If a man is average looking but makes an effort with his grooming and fashion women appreciate that.   A woman will suck a dick off a man’s shoes.   Women are more pragmatic than men give them credit for.   They know every man isn’t 6’2” with washboard abs, powerful legs and piercing eyes.   If man looks like he works at his physical presentation, many beautiful women will think, “I think I can work with him.”

         The main thing men have to realize is that the physical appearance matters and not just as a secondary concern.   When women meet a man they evaluate him within a few seconds and place him into the select or non-select category.   It's just how it is.   A man needs to be on point visually if he is serious about getting women. Men have to face the reality that as a culture we’re not going back to the days when a man simply had to be a good provider.   As men we are being forced to evolve.

                 Think on this.

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Nice Guys and Players in a Nutshell

Incompatibility and Unrealistic Expectations

The Female Gaze

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