I had mixed feelings about the show. I was getting hot at first because it seemed like everything was being put on the men. See I have a problem when women complain about deadbeat men who have children with multiple women. Indeed some will have a child with a man, know he isn’t taking care of his other children, and then have two more kids with him. Then other women will come along, know the man has multiple kids, maybe even know the baby mamas, and STILL have a child with the man. My issue was that women don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
To Iyanla’s credit she later put some responsibility on the women as well. There was a point where one of the men was confronting his mother about how she emotionally abused him as a child and how that contributed to his behavior. It was good to see that because in looking at these issues we have to look at the entire picture. Virtually every womanizer I have known in my life had either a jacked up relationship with his mother OR a vicious rejection by some woman when he was young. Too much is put on the men when it’s really a vicious cycle and the only way to break the cycle is to stop pointing fingers at each other and work together for a better future.
Talking about men creating children with multiple women isn’t the focus of this particular blog though. When I look at any issue I look it at from several angles. I used to work as a criminal investigator and then briefly as an editor for a political website where I did a little investigative journalism. Academically I’m very well trained in doing research. One of the things as a true to the game investigator/researcher is that I see what is on the surface but also what is hidden. To use a principle from The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, “Perceive those things which cannot be seen.”
What I saw on the show was a bunch of Mr. Goodbars and a bunch of women who wanted these men to be good fathers. An issue with that is the ability to be a good father might not have been in the psychological makeup of these men to begin with. Too many women think having a man’s child will all of sudden make him grow up. As many women find out after many tears and counseling later is these men really have little to no incentive to do better. Iyanla, bless her, might be able to talk to a few men on her show and they MAY change their lives but there are thousands of men out there with the same issues who quite frankly will keep doing their part to insure their genetic lineage.
Let me address the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to talk about in ANY of these relationship discussions ESPECIALLY those that occur in the context of Black male/female relationships. Let’s be honest, though race wasn’t brought up in the discussion I only SAW Black men on the stage. The issue no one wants to talk about is how come these people who are getting upset at these genetic alpha males are not asking one basic question: Why not simply have children with the men who WILL be responsible parents?
Stop and think about that.
In my coaching practice and in life in general I have encountered hundreds of men, specifically Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and WANT to have a family. Men who WANT to have children and be there for them. Some of these men will even step in to help raise the children of many of these deadbeat sperm donors if given the chance. Women are passing over these men every day in their mad rush to spread their legs for Mr. Goodbar. Then when these women are stuck with the responsibility of actually raising a child on their own they blame Mr. Goodbar for not being a responsible parent.
Let me share a reality that people may or may not see. If they do see it they don’t talk about it. All people have a dual sexual nature. There is the obvious carnal sexual nature which is pure lust. It’s the drive to connect with someone because of their physical attributes. It’s the woman being attracted to a man because of his height, body build, square jaw, and yes dick size. It’s the man being attracted to a woman’s big breasts and phat ass. The carnal drive doesn’t care about a person’s character, profession, social class, political leanings, or religious beliefs. This is pure attraction. There is a second sexual drive that’s based more on mental and emotional compatibility. This drive is more influenced by social factors such as culture, and personal beliefs.
The average man will look for a woman that satisfies both of his sex drives. He will openly look for a woman that turns him on physically but one that also fits his social criteria. Women, on the other hand don’t have the same freedom. They are encouraged to find men who fit their social criteria but western culture as it is now tries to suppress a woman’s carnal desires. Women will still go for what they want physically but not in the same way as men. This is where the problem comes in.
A woman will meet Mr. Goodbar. She’s turned on sexually. Her vagina is buzzing. Mr. Goodbar is making the woman smile and feel good. He’s fun to be with. Mr. Goodbar probably doesn’t match her social criteria but that’s okay as long as the orgasms keep coming. So the woman is having her good time but three things generally happen. One, a woman will recognize the temporary nature of the relationship with Goodbar and simply move on to something more serious. These are the more sensible women. Two, the woman will marry the Goodbar and then realize that socially they are incompatible. Three, they will have a baby and the reality that Goodbar is a deadbeat will become apparent. The last two things is where the problems come up.
Many women have a delusion that this man who they are having sex with because he is so fine, and so much fun, will all of a sudden become responsible with marriage or a baby. Most of the time it will not happen. Too many women make decisions based on the romantic tales playing out in their minds. They knew Mr. Goodbar was a reckless pretty boy with a big dick when they got with him. That was part of his appeal. Now it’s time to get serious and that fine man-child with the nice stroke isn’t following the script. Then the women go on a national TV show and try to shame and cajole the man-child into growing up and being a responsible man. I call bullshit on all that.
If a woman really wanted a responsible man she should mate with that type of man to begin with. The responsible men already have the skillset to be good husbands, providers, and parents. There are millions of men and let’s be specific, Black men, who are responsible, hardworking, and family orientated. The women are getting outraged over a FEW men who have multiple children by multiple women. What about the responsible ones? To me the bigger issue, especially in the Black community, should be why are so many responsible Black men are single AND childless? I would love to see somebody’s national show deal with this issue. I already know what the real deal is though. Another one of those big-ass elephants in the room.
When I was watching Iyanla this morning, and saw the fathers my first thought was, “oh a Goodbar convention.” Other than when I was working a gym where a bunch of male strippers used to work out, it’s rare I see that many Mr. Goodbars in the same place. Somebody has to say it. The only reason that a man is going to be able have multiple children by multiple women is because he is able to appeal to the carnal nature of these women. In most cases he is PHYSICALLY appealing to these women. Objectively speaking, the men on stage were physically attractive to multiple women.
See I’ve had conversations with literally thousands of women about their preferences in men. Publically women will talk about the social criteria they want in men which typically responsible men fulfill. Now the responsible men are barely getting attention. The reason is that in the eyes of many women these men are not physically attractive. Now I’ve gone on record as saying a man with sex appeal can trump a man with good looks. The thing is that only a very tiny percentage of men have that type of ethereal sex appeal. The sex appeal of most men is based on their physical appearance be it handsome face, height, or muscular body. They have to at least look good to a particular woman.
This is the conversation we need to really have. Too many women want that good-looking man whose smile they want for their sons to be a responsible parent. It might not happen. The women then run to the men who are not as attractive to raise their pretty children and many men are RIGHTFULLY not trying to sign up for that. Now some women may feel like they only want to deal with Mr. Goodbar. Okay. Just don’t get mad because sixteen other women want to have a baby with with the same man.
If we really want to solve the relationship issues, especially in the Black community, we HAVE to address the issue of the large number of single responsible men.
That dialogue is long overdue.