In the fifteen years since the publication of Nice Guys and Players I've had discussions, comments, and reviews on various sections of the book. The only exception though has been the chapter titled "Sexual Chemistry." Only TWO reviews in fifteen years have even referenced this chapter. Even then only one sentence was quoted. I find that ironic because it's probably the ONE chapter in the book that a man seeking to improve with women NEEDS to read. The following are a few excerpts from that chapter.
Now it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty. Let’s talk about sexual issues. Sex is the one area that causes more trouble in a relationship than money or nosey girlfriends. Sex is really the major difference between a nice guy and a player. The most consistent statement by women about the nice guys is that they are not good in bed. If they were good in bed they wouldn’t be nice guys. They would be called Mr. Right.
The nice guy has read through the previous chapters and learned some stuff and the player has read through thinking about what he could add. Both have taken steps to improve themselves. So here you have a man who has worked out, bought some nice clothes, shined his shoes, and is more aggressive and confident. Women start to check him out. He manages to have sex with a woman. After they are through he is on top of the world because the woman was so fine. She would have had more fun watching paint dry. Despite the promise of a great night of passion she was left high and dry. Now what?
The sexual needs of many women are usually unmet EVEN when they are in steady relationships. Too many men only want to get theirs and may be fooled by women faking orgasms. The biggest single reason players get attention even when women know they are rotten is that the player is perceived to be better in bed than the nice guy. Now I can hear the nice guys now. “But I’m so romantic.” “I make love in hotel rooms with rose petals and fine wine.” “I take two hours in foreplay.” Fellas, all of this is irrelevant if you don’t turn on the woman to begin with.
One of the sad things about sexuality in American society is despite the fact that it’s so much a part of our culture nobody really talks about what it really takes for satisfaction. It is especially sad that many relationships are destroyed because both men and women are not being satisfied. There are too many books out there about sexual satisfaction that to me are too clinical. Let me break it down for everybody. Sexual satisfaction by Rom.
A woman feels good when she is aroused. A man who can appeal to a woman’s senses and mind will usually be chosen. An aroused woman is under a powerful influence. She is under romantic intoxication. Romance, when you break it down, is nothing more than a form of arousal. Those flowers, dinners, and getaways are designed to arouse women. Romance novels are popular for that reason. Romantic intoxication is worse than any other addiction. Women will change personalities while addicted to romance. They become more excited, their skin tingles, they get butterflies, and they begin to glow. Women have left their families, jobs, and friends to feed this addiction. A woman will sleep with her best friend’s husband while romantically intoxicated. Players can keep a woman in a state of romantic intoxication. Nice guys fail to do this. A man skilled in the art of arousal, yes, it is an art, can manipulate a woman to the point where he can get anything he wants from her. Good, responsible men need to develop their arousal skills not only to keep their women happy but also to protect them from the more predatory players. The man who masters the art of arousing his woman need not fear competition.
Unfortunately, too many men don’t feel it’s their job to make women feel good. Too many men believe all they have to do is be responsible and stay out of trouble. They feel the woman is responsible for her own happiness. To some extent she is, but all women, regardless of how strong they think they are, need a man in their lives. And men need women. There are men out there who are confident, aggressive and look good. They fail with women because they don’t take any actions to make women feel good. Then they get mad at the women for not wanting them. Women want men who can make them feel good.
Women have dual sexual needs. Most women are only partially aroused because most men don’t satisfy both physical and mental needs. This is why most women don’t have orgasms on a regular basis. A woman must be fully aroused to reach orgasm. That’s why many women have two men in their lives: The Player to take care of their physical needs and the nice guy to take care of their mental needs.
Plenty of men are handsome, charming, and confident. These men get attention from the ladies because of these qualities. Despite these qualities, these men may still have trouble arousing women. These qualities are important but more is needed. To generate sexual chemistry with a woman a man must be able to release his inner masculine. Men today are a mere shadow of what they could be. Many men are putting on a façade to get along in life. Many are wearing masks to conform to the social and political climate. This is especially the case when men deal with women. Men in the four categories behave this way. Mr. Goodbar plays to the sexual needs of women. The Masked Man hides his true face. The Nice Guy believes that women will come to him if he is nice enough. The Gamesman is busy playing games. All of these men are suppressing their inner masculine energy.
So what is the inner masculine energy? Let me break it down. Just as the inner feminine energy is receptive, the inner masculine energy is assertive. Sperm goes out from the man. The inner masculine is protective. It desires to protect those associated with it. The inner masculine is disciplined. The inner masculine is will power. The inner masculine faces its fears. Most men in American society suppress their inner masculine. As a result of political and social changes over the last few decades in American society, men are burying their true selves. Many men are not protecting their women and children. Many are abusing their families. Too many men are not assertive. They are passive in the face of everyday life. Many men are not disciplined. Many lack will power. A man in touch with his inner masculine will have a burning desire to control his own destiny. He will want to control his life. Which man in the four categories can truly say they control their life? Mr. Goodbar? His ego is in control. The Masked Man? He is afraid to show his true face. The Nice Guy? He is playing a game of make believe. He believes women should want him because he is so nice. The Gamesman? He is all about lies. The man who expresses his inner masculine is the Real Man. He is real because he expresses his true self.
This past week I released my book, Sexual Chemistry - Nice Guys And Players Level II on Amazon Kindle. Download your copy today! One of my motivations for writing Sexual Chemistry was the reality that despite the importance of sexuality in relationships most public discussions will not address this major issue. In my book, Nice Guys And Players, I wrote that the only difference between a nice guy and player was sex. If a woman wanted to have sex with a nice guy he wouldn't be called a nice guy. He would be called Mr. Right. It is my view that instead of learning that thing called "game" or following conventional dating advice a man would be better served learning how to increase his sex appeal. If a man increases his sex appeal he can draw women to him without saying a word. Women will use "game" to try to meet him. Part of sex appeal is physical i.e. looks and body build. There is also a deeper aspect that is more intangible in nature. I talk about that in Sexual Chemistry.
The following video was made a year ago. I talk about the development of masculine sex appeal. Consider it a preview of the information contained in Sexual Chemistry.
I had a big plan to write something else today. Thing with me though is that I roll with spirit. Sometimes things pop up and I think, "let me do something else." Yesterday I participated in some men's workshops. The workshops dealt with masculine self-development. They were deep and powerful. During one session a young man talked about the program of his particular men's collective. He described four masculine archetypes that his group worked on. I looked at him and said, "You're talking about the House of the Man." The young man smiled and said yes.
One thing many people don't realize about me is that I can go deep. Very deep. I usually don't do so publically because the knowledge I can drop can go over people's heads. It doesn't do any good for me to share something and people have no idea what they read. That being said, we live in the time of the storm now. We have all this great technology now but socially human beings are regressing. As a race of beings we are going backwards. The average male/female relationship has gone from lasting three years to six months. We have all these medical advances and yet people are sicker that what they were 100 years ago.
The knowledge is there to turn things around. In the coming months I'm going to taking people higher. In that spirit I'm sharing one of my first blogs from October 2013. The House of the Man is taken from warrior traditions of indigenous societies from around the world. In these societies boys had to go through a rite of passage for the right to be called a man. Rites of passages are needed in this society. We have too many men in their thirties and forties who behave like teenaged boys. This would have been unacceptable in traditional cultures where a man was expected to be a husband, father, warrior, and hunter. Indigenous cultures may have lacked smart phones and cars but they knew how to evolve a human being.
Think on that for a bit.
Here is the "The House of the Man" blog from October 2013.
"The House of the Man" is the foundation of the spirit of man. There are four cornerstones or archetypes to this foundation. The four archetypes are the Warrior, the Hunter, the Eagle, and the Healer. The average man will have one dominant archetype while the others are dormant. Even in the case of the
dominant archetype the average man will not have full use of all the traits within that particular archetype.
The first archetype is the Warrior. The Warrior is protective, rigid, paternal, and aggressive. The Warrior is about the art and act of engagement. This engagement may involve physical confrontation but also includes economic, political, or legal battle. This is the man who is prepared to defend his household against an intruder. This is the man who will fight to get a school built or will stand against the violation of someone’s civil rights. When other men run, the warrior will stand his ground regardless of the consequences. The true warrior lives by a code of honor.
The next archetype is the Hunter. The Hunter is predatory, disciplined, persevering, and paternal. The man with this archetype dominant in his spirit has the ability to be accountable for and responsible for the welfare of others. The Hunter is the provider. He is at his best when he is taking care of his loved ones. This is the man who will work two jobs to provide for the material needs of his family.
The third archetype is the Eagle. The Eagle is the logical thinking, intellectual planner. If he wants to move his family out of an apartment to a house, he can see the steps needed to accomplish this goal. The Eagle is the man with a vision and the ability to turn that vision into reality.
The last, but not least archetype is the Healer. The Healer is holistic, balanced, sociable, artistic, and romantic. True healing is about restoring something to its natural state. The Healer heals not only himself but most importantly his mate and children. If he cannot personally heal his family he is responsible for finding the methods that can provide healing.
All men have at least one archetype dominant with limited access to the traits of the other archetypes. Even within their dominant archetype the average man may only have access to only a portion of the traits contained. For example, the Hunter may have the ability to get money and resources, but may not have the paternal instinct to provide for a family. The Healer may be able to charm women to satisfy his sexual needs but will not do what’s necessary to heal the women.
To be an optimal man, a man must work to develop all aspects of his spirit. A limitation with having a dominant archetype is that a man will have a worldview based on just that one archetype especially when it comes to dealing with women. The Hunter may feel it’s all about the money. He will think as long as he has enough money he can relate successfully with women. The Healer will think he can get by just on charm. The Eagle will feel like he can use logical reasoning to relate to women. The Warrior will feel all he needs to do is provide security. The worldviews of each archetype affects other aspects of life outside of relationships. The more a man can develop all aspects of himself the more he can succeed in life.