I write a lot of things regarding male/female relationships that either doesn’t make sense to people or seems like I don’t know what I’m talking about. There’s a reason for that. The reason is one of perspective. Most people can only relate to things that match their own worldview. Indeed most people will only seek out information that validates their perspectives. If something doesn’t validate their perspective they tend to reject the information. That’s the reason why despite all of the books, seminars, coaches, and bloggers out there it seems like relationships are getting worse and not better. Most commentators, including professionals, have only seen a part of the picture and not the whole thing. There were some incidents many years ago that illustrate my point.
When I first published my books I did a lot of seminars. I remember two in particular that stand out because of the contrasts between the participants. The first seminar was with a group of Black professionals. The organizers of the seminar had read my book, Nice Guys and Players, and had pulled my character types out for role play among the participants. They were scary spot on acting out the characters of the Nice Guy, Gamesman, and Masked Man. When they got to Mr. Goodbar the characterization was off. By miles. An interesting thing happened. When the discussion was focused on the first three types the conversation was lively even heated. When I talked about Mr. Goodbar the place was quiet. You could literally hear a pin drop. The concept of a man who had women walk up and drop their panties was alien to most people of the room. Well, except for the Goodbar in the corner working his magic on a Buppie with the phat ass booty. He looked at me, gave me a head nod, and went back to work. Like most things I’ve encountered in life I placed the moment in a mental file cabinet to pull out and think about later.
The second incident came a few years later. I was doing a seminar with some true to the game thugs. These were men convicted of minor crimes and were only sitting down with me because a Judge didn’t leave them any choice in the matter. An interesting thing happened. Usually when I discussed my books and ideas with groups the information would be received with disbelief and at times ridiculed because it went against the belief systems of seminar participants. At times I thought maybe I was the one who was off. Then I come across a group of real thugs. An interesting thing happened. After a little bit of an introduction to my books these men opened up about their experiences and told me the contents of my books. Not only did they know about Mr. Goodbar they were Mr. Goodbar. These men were telling me some things that quite frankly a person would be hard-pressed to find a mention of in any form of media.
See here’s the thing. In a previous blog I talked about men and women having two faces, a social face and a sexual face. The social face is the one everyone sees. That’s the face with the business suit, going to the kids’ soccer games, and being good neighbor by keeping the grass cut. Most relationship advice, most discussions about Alpha and Beta Males, most conversations about what women want focus on the social faces. The sexual faces are something completely different. Socially, a person has a professional job, is a good parent, and neighbor. They even go to church regularly. Sexually that person is a swinger who routinely has sex with strangers. The sexual face is how a person behaves in sexual manner. A major problem in relationship discussions is that the focus is on social faces. The whole Alpha Male thing for example is based on a social face. The Alpha Male is supposedly the take charge, center of attention man who gets all the hot women. This of course is based on the assessment of what such a man is doing socially. The man holding court in a bar is only dominating socially. There may be a few women feeling his vibe but trust me they may never go home with him. Many socially dominant men are weak behind closed doors. So why do I say this?
I’m one of those people who has encountered a WHOLE lot of people in life. I personally have been acquainted with many alternative sex workers. We’re talking about Dominatrixes, and Tantric Massage workers. I’ve also known phone sex workers, sugar babies, true gold diggers, escorts, and strippers. These women have told me a lot about their clients. We’re not talking losers living in their mom’s basements playing video games all day. The women I talked to told me about encounters with men who were SOCIALLY Alpha Males. Straight up, a dude living in his mom’s basement couldn’t afford most of these women. It’s funny as hell to me that a whole subculture of men focuses on being the Alpha Males they see socially without knowing anything about the sexual faces of these men. Let me share some things about myself to give the reader an idea about why I say the things I say.
In my early twenties I was where many men pay thousands of dollars to get. This was back in the late eighties and early nineties. I was at the top of that thing called game. I had zero anxiety approaching women. To use the street language of the time, I had a “smooth rap.” On top of that my fashion and grooming game was A-1. I also had the status of being of Black man with a degree who was pursuing a post graduate degree. The only real weakness in my game was my weight. Though I’m a natural mesomorph, if I don’t work out consistently I would gain weight. The good thing about me gaining weight is that my body tends to gain evenly and not just in one area such as my stomach. Even though I had extra weight on I carried it very well. At most my weight gave me an average physical appearance which I was able to compensate for by having a smooth rap and wicked fashion game, especially with my shoes.
With my game at the time I was able to date and have sex with some very attractive and shapely women. Now I had still had to put in some work to woo the women. Nobody was sleeping with me on the first date, maybe fourth or fifth date. Of course there were some rejections. Also I did hear the words, “Let’s just be friends.” There were plenty of women in what I call the “Not Sure Zone.” Women in that zone will have a little sexual attraction for a man but not enough to simply drop her panties. A man has to work for a woman in that zone. Sometimes he succeeds, sometimes he don’t. Where I was at the time I thought I was at the top of the game. I was getting a LOT of play from attractive women primarily in the six to eight range. Even a few Nines and Tens showed some interest. Then around 1991 I entered the Sexual Shadow World and had my mind blown.
I had started running in the spring of 1990 because a Nine didn’t want to have sex with me because of my weight. I was weighing about 230 and quite frankly getting a little sloppy. During that summer my weight came down to about 215 and to be honest I didn’t think anything of it. I was getting pretty much the same play I was getting before from women in the six to eight range. Then some interesting things happened to take everything to a different level.
The first was that I was in the application process for a certain prominent federal law enforcement agency. I had passed the panel interviews and now had to prepare to pass a physical fitness test. I was required to do a certain number of pushups, sit-ups, and to be able to run 2 miles under 16 minutes. So instead of jogging I had to start running. I had to train more intensely. So starting in the winter of 1990 until the summer of 1991 I dropped even more weight. I went down to 190 pounds of lean muscle mass. I passed the test with flying colors. I was walking around at my optimal physique as the sit-ups had developed my abs and the pushups had developed my arms and chest. Women started going crazy over my body to the point where I would ROUTINELY get approached on the street. Even had some young girls yell out their car windows while I was walking on the street. So I had a body that was attracting women to me. That was one part of the equation. The second part came from some unique individuals.
In the summer of 1991 I encountered some sex workers. For legal reasons I can’t get into the particulars but during that summer I learned a lot about the inner sexual nature of women. It was some things not discussed in public and still isn’t. On the internet now there are some men who called themselves “Red Pill” because they think they know the sexual nature of women. They don’t and they’re deluded. They’ve barely scratched the surface. They don’t live in the Sexual Shadow World. Even some men who get a lot of sex don’t live in the Sexual Shadow World. But I digress.
These sex workers gave me a real education. I already knew a lot from women I had been around as a child but these women took me to a new level. There were also one older man who gave me some insight. One of the reasons I don’t hold what is taught as game on the internet in high regard is because of that man. I’ll call the man James. James was an older Jamaican who had a scary insight into how people behaved psychologically. He could look at someone and tell you what’s going on with them. He would mess with people’s heads just to pass the time. He was especially adept at fucking or as he said “getting some punanny.” He was talking about setting up a 900 line which was popular back then to tell men how to bring a woman to orgasm. He was actually the first man I had met who was talking about satisfying women sexually. Most men fail because they don’t look like they can or even care about getting a woman to orgasm.
The combination of the sex workers and James took me into the Sexual Shadow World. In that world Mr. Goodbar is the Alpha Male. Yet in the social world the same man may be a minimum wage worker or shy in a crowd. In the Sexual Shadow World the men at the top of the pyramid are not the tall good looking men with status or game. Physical appearance is important, indeed of supreme importance but not in the classic way that is important in the social world. First of all a man’s face doesn’t matter as much. In the Sexual Shadow World a good looking face is a bonus but not a necessity. If one takes an honest look at the SEXUALLY attractive people they are rarely very physically attractive in the face. There are exceptions but in general SEXUALLY attractive people have average faces. Don’t believe me? Take a real good look at the men and women who turn on people sexually. All they have in common are great bodies. Many are buttafaces. A good looking face is more important for in the social world. When it comes down to sex, a man just needs a hot body, a decent size dick, and some fair sexual skills.
In this case physical appearance is more about the body, the print, and how the man moves which gives the woman a clue about how he would be in bed. See most of what’s in the media is focused on what women want socially. The key to a woman is what type of man she lusts for. A woman may publically say she wants a man who’s tall, with a good looking face, with status and a decent body. Many women when presented with what they say they want may still reject the man. The reason is that they don’t lust the man. Indeed when many women say they love a man they are really saying they lust him. Socially a woman may want that classic good looking man who seems dominant. Sexually she wants that rough looking man with hard body and big dick who would pound her pussy like it stole something.
A key component to the Nice Guys and Players Philosophy is to be a man who can satisfy a woman’s social needs AND her sexual needs. Despite the talk about there being a shortage of men many women who are even reasonably attractive have two men in their lives. The first man is the socially acceptable boyfriend or husband. The first man takes her out, spends money on her, and provides emotional support. He is acceptable to her friends and family. In many cases he is considered an Alpha Male. The second man is one nobody knows about. His only purpose is to satisfy her lust. He might not be classically handsome, he may be broke, and truth be told not even have what is commonly considered game. He can fuck though. Well.
Now I’m not talking about theory here. During the period I lived in the Sexual Shadow World I would say the OVERWELMING majority of women I dealt with had boyfriends. As far as I know I didn’t mess with any women with husbands. I say as far as I know because women lie more than men. I did know some men who didn’t have a problem with fucking another man’s wife. I seriously consider women hypocrites when they talk about cheating men. When women are in lust they don’t give a fuck. A woman will fuck her best friend and sister’s husbands in a threesome if she lusts them. They will find a rationalization to satisfy their lust. It wasn’t certain trashy women either cheating either. It was something that crossed class lines and even subculture. I’ve dealt with church girls, nerd girls, and princesses who cheated on their men. Those goody-goody girls can be the worse. The Sexual Shadow World is where that perfect Ten will do the freaky-freaky while tied up.
Here’s the thing. Many men reject what I tell them because it goes against CONVENTIONAL wisdom. There are men out there who think if they just get some plastic surgery all of a sudden they’ll get hot woman. There are men who think if they behave in a dominant manner the women will drop their panties. There are men learning game in their attempts to get hot women or any women. The only thing a man needs to do is develop himself to the point where a woman will LOOK at him and say to herself, “he can get it.” At the point the man needs to be present enough to pick up on her SEXUAL desire. He then needs to be smart enough not to say something stupid and give what one beautiful woman once said, “Instant dryness.”
The only game is lust. If a man wants more and better women he needs to develop his overall physical appearance so that it generates lust. The man also has KNOW that women want sex as much as men. Indeed the truth is the more sexually attractive a woman is the more they will choose a man based on pure lust.
I just gave y’all some raw game. I wonder who will pick up on it. Hit up me here.
Is she you? Now I'm old school. Back in the day the fellas and I would be checking out some girls and we would ask each other, "Is she you?" What was meant by this phrase was whether this particular young lady would be a good match for the young man checking her out. A sad reality is that most men are not with a woman who truly compliments their personality, their goals, indeed their very being. To make it simple most men are not with the right woman.
There are millions of men looking for ways to improve their relationship experiences with women. A whole subculture/industry has developed around seduction gurus, dating coaches, bloggers, and websites. It’s proven to be financially lucrative for many men and some women as well. Thing I’m seeing though is that men don’t seem to be getting better in their interactions with women. In my personal view things are getting worse. I don’t say this lightly. I’m one of those men who will dig deep and ask a lot of personal questions if I’m trying to find the solution to a problem. Many men quite simply are failing to connect with women despite the resources out there. That’s because there is a real issue with how these resources are shared.
See men are really just copying the styles and techniques of their coaches and gurus and not developing their own thing. The men aren’t being authentic and true to themselves. For example one man may take a seminar where the instructor says to approach 100 women a week. The man thinks this is a good idea because the he has seen videos of the instructor successfully approaching and even kissing women in the street. So the man takes notes and a few days later goes out and approaches as many women as possible and is harshly rejected most of the time and the few phone numbers he gets are from women who simply wanted him out of their faces. The man can’t figure out what went wrong.
Another man may not go to a dating seminar or even bother reading books. He believes that as long as he works hard, has money, and shows a willingness to be a good provider women should find him attractive. He gets frustrated when he sees women with lazy thugs who can’t afford their own cars while he has a Mercedes C-Class and a large house. After all he knows other men with the same things who have more women than they know what to do with.
These men are having problems because they are following someone else’s style. I written before that it would be a con job for me to teach “game.” Things work a certain way for me because of my nature which is unique to me. I can tell a man to look directly into a woman’s eyes when he talks to her and she will be sexually aroused. Most men will fail. Looking into a woman’s eyes works for me because women consistently tell me I have pretty eyes. The method would only work for another man with pretty eyes. A man doing the same thing with unremarkable eyes could be considered creepy.
The most a seduction guru or dating coach can give a man is a perspective. In my own coaching the most I give a man is my perspective and perhaps what I have seen work with a group of men generally. Ultimately a man has to develop his own style. He has to develop skills and techniques that are unique to who he is and his mission in life. He can’t worry about what everybody else is doing. Let me use the analogy of basketball.
Of the five players on the basketball court, each one has his own game. The point guard’s game may be passing and penetrating to the basket. He may not have a good outside shot but that’s cool. He helps the team win by playing his game. The shooting guard may be able to rain three point shots all game but may not be good penetrating. The small forward may be good at ball-handling and defense but can only hit an occasional outside shot. The power forward may be a beast on the boards but non-factor for scoring. The center may be good at blocking shots and have a great inside game but can’t hit a three pointer. All of them contribute just in different ways. Their different styles are all legitimate.
In the game of men chasing women a man has to find his personal style. Using myself as an example many things that are taught in dating seminars didn’t work as well for me. Many men will say “approach, approach, approach.” Well when I was younger I would do that and get shot down. Then I started noticing that when I was more laidback or even non-chalant women would approach me. What I found was that when I approached women they would ask themselves, “Why is this good-looking man approaching me with these corny lines?” The women would think something was wrong with me because in their minds someone that looks like me shouldn’t come off as thirsty. I’ve had women tell me this was the issue. Women have actually told me that I could have any woman I wanted. I started chilling out and noticed that women would approach me on the street. Even to this day I have random women approach me, flirt with me, and even tell me to smile while I’m walking down the street. This has been the case even when dressed like a bum in need of a shave and haircut. What I have works for me.
Now if I taught men to do exactly what I do they would fail unless they had identical physical and mental attributes. See the next man may need to be a little more aggressive while out in public. He may need to speak to more women and “shoot that jumper” as this one player I know likes to say. That’s cool. Still another man may have to dress sharp just to get a woman to notice him. He might need to have his haircut on point to get attention. Still another man may need to limit approaching women to social environments where he is part of a group.
In order for a man to develop his style he has to learn how to be PRESENT with women. When I say present I mean a man has to literally be right there with a woman. Most men when they are with a woman are thinking about doing something in the FUTURE with her. A man sees a thick booty woman while walking down the street and his thoughts go to doing her doggy style. He’s not paying enough attention to what she’s doing in the NOW. He approaches her thinking about the future. He's not paying attention that she seems distracted. She has not given him any indication that she wants to be bothered. He approaches her and she give him a crazy look. He keeps trying to talk to her until her girlfriend walks up and is ready to fight. Yeah I said girlfriend. If he was present and not thinking about the future he would have noticed that despite the phat ass she didn’t give the vibe that she was into men.
The main thing with a man being present is that he starts to pay attention to how women respond to him. Using myself as an example the other day I was coming home from the gym and I stopped by the grocery store. I had on a sleeveless shirt and some shorts. Many women were staring and smiling. I’ve learned that women really like my body so I wear clothes that show my physique. Even when I dress up I wear fitted clothing. It works for me. Another man may notice that women pay attention to him when his head is shaved. Still another man may notice that women really respond to him when he is speaking. Different things work for different men which brings me to my next point.
Too many men get caught up in thinking that they have to be tall, muscular, and male model handsome in order to get women. Yes being tall, muscular, and handsome will attract many women. The problem is that men who don’t have these attributes feel like they can’t get women. Bullshit. I read a blog one time where the writer stated that women are only interested in one type of man; the tall, muscular, and handsome man. The writer felt that women didn’t have “fetishes” like men do. He said that there are “face men,” “breast men,” “ass men,” and “leg men.” He also mentioned chubby chasers, men who like short women, and men who like tall women. I would add that some men like buttafaces. We all know this. What’s kept real quiet though is that women are the exact same way.
Now women are more open about wanting the tall, muscular, and handsome men. There is a growing industry of websites and even feminist porn where men are seen as sex objects. What isn’t talked about publically though is that women do indeed have certain types that get them sexually open. One such type is the Big Handsome Man (BHM) or as their called in the Black community “Teddy Bears.” To be clear Teddy Bears in the Black community have nothing to do with the Bear subculture within the LGBT community. Some women are turned on by big hamburger and fries eating dudes. Some women are turned on by buttaface men. Many women don’t want to be around a man who looks better than they do. I’ve met women who were turned on by short men. I’ve known many men in their forties and fifties who had twenty year olds chasing them. For every type of man out there are women who are turned on by their particular attributes.
A man has to be comfortable with who he is and his unique nature. He always wants to improve himself but he has to be realistic. A 5’6” man will not grow to over 6 feet tall. What he can do pay attention to which women respond to him and play up his positive qualities that attract women. Some big dudes might not get any more muscular. They can deal with the women who like big men. The bottom line is that a man can get another man’s perspective but ultimately he cannot be a clone. All men have to develop their own unique style.
A few weeks ago I was driving to the mall with my sons and my cell phone started blowing up with texts. Since I’m a responsible driver I didn’t look at the texts until I got to the mall and parked my car. It was about 9 texts from a good friend I’ll call Roger (not his real name). The texts were about some incidents that happened the day before. To sum it up Roger had encounters with 6 or 7 women not including his actual girlfriend. None of these incidents were platonic in nature. I’ll let your imagination take over from there. Now in the years I’ve known Roger he’s not the type to make things up. He’s not one of those cats who will lie on his dick.
Now it makes sense that women find Roger attractive. Men have jealously commented on his looks calling him a “Pretty Ricky.” Plus he works out religiously. On top of that he’s a poet/rapper with a pretty good video out. He also has a strong sales background so he’s not shy about approaching people in general and women in particular. This wasn’t always the case.
As a teenager and young adult Roger was a very skinny and shy. Women weren’t checking for him. Roger was a frustrated young man. Instead of going on the internet and complaining about “women wanting bad boys” and whining with other similar men, Roger decided to change his life. He started first with his shyness. Roger got involved in sales to specifically address his shyness. As someone with a sales background myself I can tell you the sales profession cures anyone of shyness. To succeed you not only have to be comfortable talking with different types of people but you have to become comfortable with rejection. Even a master salesman will get rejected. What the master salesman does, however, is not let the rejection bother him. He learns from the rejection.
A few years after getting into sales Roger discovered my books, “Nice Guys and Players” and “Sexual Chemistry.” My books put an emphasis on developing alpha male qualities. Under my tutelage as well as Tantra masters Yao Nyamekye Morris and Shantam Nityama, Roger grew from a man who was too shy to talk to women to a man who has women routinely throwing the pussy at him. I’m not exaggerating. When women are sexually turned on by a man they become very aggressive. Ask me how I know.
The takeaway from this story is that Roger DID THE WORK!!! The internet is full of websites, blogs, and videos of men who have trouble connecting with women on any level. The one theme connecting all of this is that women don’t want nice guys, beta males, omega males, etc. Now a man when faced with a problem can do one of two things. He can complain with other similarly situated men. What they are doing is sharing the problem and blaming everything and everyone instead of doing the one thing they need to do: change the man in the mirror.
Other men when confronted with the same issue will look in the mirror and make the changes. A male becomes a man when he takes responsibility for his own life. A real man will look at his circumstances and instead of blaming everybody else will say, “Things are going to be different.” A man can only control one thing in his life: himself. A man has to DO THE WORK!!! Let me share a story from my past.
I’m a person who can put on weight easily if I don’t consciously make an effort to work out. Back in the late eighties I was in one of my overweight periods. I came to a defining moment in my life one evening. There was a Prince concert. I took as my date a hot Italian friend of mine I’ll call Maria. Now me and Maria weren’t quite platonic as we had made out before and grinded at a party. We had not had intercourse either. For this concert Maria had on a full body cat suit and some heels. Damn she was hot and sexy. So we had a good time at the concert and I was thinking since we had kissed before she would want to have sex. When I brought it up she told me straight up she didn’t want to because I was so big. My response was, “okay.” See most men would be pissed and entitled if they had paid for the date. One thing about me is that I always learn from rejection and I would rather deal with an honest woman than one trying play me.
After that incident I started running to lose weight. I vowed never to be that close to a woman that hot and sexy and lose out because of my weight which was something I could control. Now I never did get with Maria sexually but after losing about 30 pounds three equally hot and sexy women sucked my dick within weeks of each other. Two of these women had previously friendzoned me. The reason was that I DID THE WORK!!!
Complaining about women and their dating choices doesn’t do any good. I personally don’t see women changing their criteria because men are complaining on the blogs and videos. In fact, women tell men what they want by their actions. Women in general go for assertive men with nice bodies. Even though women choose the men, men are still expected to approach. When women choose they choose by being receptive to the man. The man still has to have the balls to take the initiative. If a man is shy he needs to do whatever it takes to get over that shyness. Roger did so by getting into sales. Another man may do so by speaking to random women throughout his day. DO THE WORK!!!
Most men are rejected by women because the women are not PHYSICALLY attracted to them. Forget all that nonsense in the media about a woman not caring about looks. A man’s looks includes his body build. Women are turned on by a man’s body period. I’ve known male exotic dancers who pull out wads of cash like they’re drug dealers. There’s always discussions on the internet and in the real world about why women like “Bad Boys.” People make the mistake of focusing on the personality traits of these men. The personality traits are virtually irrelevant with the exception of being assertive. I have had honest conversations with a few thousand women about their preferences in men. Regardless of the personality traits they desired which was across the board, the women all expressed a preference for a body type. Most women prefer men with athletic builds. Not big and bulky like a professional body builder but not quite slim like a basketball player. There are women, however, who prefer big and bulky, and those who prefer slim. The bottom line is that women have a body preference. When men wonder why a woman likes a particular bad boy, I would say ask the woman what she likes in a man physically. A church going man with the same body type would at least get a look from the woman. The physical piece is important because a woman has to be sexually attracted to a man. Contrary to popular sentiment women are as visual as men. A gym membership will at a minimum draw more attention from women. The key is that the man has to DO THE WORK!!!
Ultimately a man has to make a choice. Does he continue to be lonely and sexually frustrated and blame the world? Does he do the work to be surrounded by sexy women and have a fulfilling sex life?
The real man chooses the second option. He will DO THE WORK!!!