For the most part my blogs are directed at a broad audience. I have readers from all over the world. They are men and women, all races and nationalities. So I write in very broad terms when I discuss relationship issues. This particular blog will be different in that it is directed at Black men. It is nothing against any other gender, race, or nationality. I need to speak on something that is particular to Black men.
My last blog, was entitled “Do Right Men Win in the End.” It spoke to a particular class of Nice Guys who are just really good individuals. Men who may not have movie star looks or six figure incomes. Men who are not into playing games in order to get into relationships. My contention was that these men win in the end in that they end up with positive relationships. The blog was shared on social media by some faithful readers. The response was very positive. Even the criticism was very constructive and gave me some things to consider. Many Black men saw themselves in the blog and contacted me privately to share their viewpoints and most importantly their stories.
I have heard you.
I understand your pain. In the media we always see images of Black men either behaving badly and in other demeaning ways. The only real exception are shows dealing with sports. Even on the internet a video of a Black man acting stupid is likely to go viral and get thousands of likes and comments. Yet stories of private schools sending 100% of their Black boys to college barely register on the radar. How often do we see that? We always see stories or status updates where women, our beautiful sistas, are constantly saying “Black men ain’t shit” or “Where are the good Black men?” Those are some of the nicer comments. Many Black men have said, “I’m right here and I’m doing something with my life.” Many Black men, many Do Right Black Men, are walking through life feeling invisible. So why are they feeling invisible? Let's get raw as to the reasons why.
Many of these brothas aren’t looking like Idris Elba or Boris Kudjoe or whoever the flavor of the day is. These brothas are not pushing late model luxury cars with six figure salaries. In the Black community the pretty boys and money men are the alpha males. It has nothing to do with character, integrity or responsibility. That’s why a man who has 34 children by several woman can get a reality show on a network owned by a Black woman. A man who was irresponsible can be economically empowered and a Do Right Man who believes in marriage before having children can’t get a fucking “Attaboy!” Worse that brotha may be called corny or lame for not having any children.
That whole being corny or lame is something else Do Right Men have to deal with. I knew a man who was educated, a professional, tall, muscular, and handsome. He was an overall good person. Yet his wife separated from him because she considered him “corny and lame.” I guess the gold tooth married man she fell in love with who cursed her out regularly was “cool.” Many Black men feel they have to have tattoos and a thug persona in order to attract Black women. Even though I have gone on record to say that Black women don’t all chase thugs it happens enough for the average man on the street to draw this conclusion. The bottom line is that the Do Right Man is not feeling the love. That’s where Brazil comes in.
There’s been a big deal made about Black men who travel to places like Brazil and the Dominican Republic on sex vacations. Something that is not being said is all the men going to these places are not always dealing with sex workers. There are many Black men who marry women from these other countries. Even though many American Black women may not see it this way the women in Brazil are still Black and quite frankly many practice cultural and spiritual traditions that go back to the African continent. I’ve talked with several men who have traveled to Brazil and the like. They are not going for sex. Let me say that again. These Black men are not traveling to Brazil for sex. They are traveling for validation. They are traveling to be acknowledged. They are traveling so that for at least a few days they are not invisible. Just like women need attention so do men. I’ve known men regardless of race who may frequent particular restaurants because they know the waitresses will at least smile and be nice to them. Many men suffer depression because women don’t see them.
There’s many things I could say. Thing is there are numerous blogs, websites, and social media pages that talk about these issues and more. Other than a few paragraphs in the context of this blog I really don’t care to add to the complaints. As a result of my life experience I see things from a different perspective. In my life on the surface I’m quite sure I seemed like the classic Do Right Man but I really wasn’t. No I didn’t have tattoos and I didn’t look like the popular image of a player. Indeed many women I dated said I had that “Clark Kent” thing going on as I used to wear big glasses. Behind closed doors I was tapping that ass. Many of the woman I dealt with had boyfriends. A couple were separated from their husbands. I was the villain in some stories. That’s why I roll my eyes when women complain about cheating. Women are way better at it. Ask me how I know.
The thing is if I see a problem I do something about it. There’s a problem in Black male/ female relationships. Every few years a major television network will do a special on the problems. It’s become a multi-million dollar industry. It will probably grow into a billion dollar industry. The “experts” are not going to solve anything even if they have legitimate answers. There’s too much money to be made. For example there are many Black male relationship commentators who make their money telling Black women what they want to hear. These men aren’t going to jeopardize their book deals and TV shows to be honest with Black women. Indeed the industry is about telling people what they want to hear. If there’s going to be a change it needs to come from the grassroots. This is where the Do Right Men come in.
Anyone who has followed my blog for a long time know that I study the social dynamics of different subcultures. The problem in Black male/female relationships is really a problem with the subcultural matrix. Black America as a whole exists as a subculture within the larger White American mainstream culture. There are many dynamics that occur in Black relationships that do not exist in the mainstream culture. A great example of this is that a Black person’s skin complexion and grade of hair affects their placement within the sexual hierarchy. I talk a lot about men in the Mr. Goodbar category. Most Black Mr. Goodbars are lighter in skin complexion with a grade of hair which suggests a mixed ancestry. Colorism and hair politics play a role in Black relationships. There are other examples as well. The bottom line is that it all comes down to culture. To me the obvious thing to do is to fix the culture, particularly the relationship culture.
In mainstream relationships in general and in the Black community in particular women place men into two categories for dating and relationships, Select and Non-Select. I’ve said this several times in my blogs. In a nutshell the Select men get the panties and the Non-Select don’t. The Do Right Men spend most of their time in the Non-Select category unless they build their finances and move into the Select. The Do Right Men however are close to that borderline between Select and Non-Select. They tend to get attention as women get older and get tired of being dogged by Select men. Women get tired of dealing with mostly irresponsible pretty boys who have no intentions of committing. Many women just use pretty boys for sex anyway. Women then move on to the Money Men. Women find out the hard way that Money Men are very hard on women. A Pretty Boy may deal with a plain looking woman who is slightly overweight, especially if he needs a place to stay and she is extremely receptive. The Money Man, however, only wants to deal with a Black Barbie. Most Black women, indeed most women period, don’t look like Barbie. Most Black women will not be able to be in a committed relationship with a Select Brotha. Yet many want a committed relationship. Do Right Men all of sudden start looking real good.
The first thing the Do Right Men have to realize is that the whole select/non-select thing is fluid. A woman’s select group at 20 will change by the time she is 30 and change even more by the time she is 40. Many men who are non-select at 20 start looking real good at forty. If one thinks about it most male sex symbols in the entertainment industry are in their forties, fifties and even sixties. Women tend to become unattractive as they age while men become more attractive. So the first thing is that men have to have the mindset that no matter where they are currently at, the odds are ever in their favor to improve their station.
So knowing that things will get better the Do Right Men have to accept that they have the power. A foundation of my books and blogs is that women choose the men. That doesn’t mean men have to accept the choice. A woman choosing a man doesn’t mean he has to choose her back. He has the power. Black women use many shaming tactics to get men to accept them regardless of physical appearance, prior children, and emotional baggage. Whatever. Stand your ground Do Right Men. If a woman has to use a shaming tactic to get you to like her she ain’t worth shit. A woman who is about something doesn’t have to shame men into wanting her. A man will want her, weight issues and kids. The women with the shaming tactics, let them burn.
The Do Right Man is the key to this whole system. For a very long time I thought Mr. Goodbar was the key to changing this culture but experience and insight has caused me to change that viewpoint. Mr. Goodbar is getting too much easy pussy to change anything. That’s like asking a Lion to ignore a herd of antelopes. The Do Right Man is the key because he’s the one who maintains some type of order. A pretty boy may physically satisfy a woman for 20 minutes. The Money Man may be able to take the woman on weekend getaway. When it gets down the business of life and long term quality of living, that’s the Do Right Man’s domain. The Do Right Man has to understand that he is the fallback and reject that position. Women want to have their fun and then get a Do Right Man. Screw that. Don’t accept being the clean-up man.
One thing many Do Right Men can do is start validating the Do Right Women. In the Black community for all the talk of Black women being overweight and baby mamas, there are many women who go against these stereotypes. There many single Black women who are at least decent looking, in good shape and don’t have children. Some might have children and still have a lot going on. All women don’t have children with trifling men. Couples break up, that’s life. Many Black women don’t want a pretty boy and are not impressed by a man’s money. I’ve met many single sistas who want to build with a positive Black man. Start validating the positive sisters and stop paying so much attention to the thots and ratchets. So many Black men have blogs, websites, and social media pages where thots and ratchets are put on blast. Too much time is given to women who quite frankly like the attention. There are many women out there who are attractive and positive. I know because that’s what I focus on. I could probably get at least 100 such women in a room with little effort. The Do Right Man has to focus on these women.
It’s time for a change. It’s time for the Do Right Men to come together to change this relationship culture. To the Do Right Man reading these words. Stand with me. Let’s change this thing. I want a world where my sons can be free to be their authentic selves without having to conform to a woman’s twisted version of masculinity. I can’t do it by myself. Stand with me. I know the way. Hit me up here and let’s rise and transform together.