Dave was in graduate school working on a Ph.D., so he was certifiably intelligent. He was also very talented because he moonlighted as a DJ playing mixes at a local radio station. So I’m talking with this man one day and is typical with conversations with men who speak to each other consistently the subject of women came up. I just knew Dave had a harem of women trying to lock him down. This a muscular and intelligent Black man, a Thorough Black Man, back in the days when Black women were complaining the loudest about a shortage of “Good Black Men.” This was when Terry McMillan was at the height of her popularity and every other book by a Black female author was following the “Waiting to Exhale” formula. On top of that Dave was the FIRST man I had ever met who didn’t say anything negative about Black women when they weren’t around. This man sincerely loved Black women. So I’m thinking they lined up for this brotha.
Dave told me that he had trouble getting a woman because they said he was “too good to be true.” In addition to his physical and mental attributes he was a one-woman man. He had no interest in being a player. Years later he would find and marry a woman who wasn’t intimidated by him. He had a happy ending but his example always stuck with me.
I’ve known a lot of Thorough Black Men like that who have told me similar stories. These were serious-minded, driven men who were physically imposing but were also very sharp mentally. One in particular that fell into that category looked like Malcolm X in his face and was built like Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch. He said women would reject him because he didn’t have money even though he would go on to be a highly paid attorney.
I’m focusing on Black men because quite frankly I have not seen this to be an issue in other communities. I’m not as familiar with Asian or Latino communities as far as how their men are viewed. The image of a white man who is both intelligent and physically imposing is always promoted in the media. Indeed many white men have serious mental health problems because they don’t live up to this image. Black men are usually promoted as physical but rarely as intelligent. Here’s the issue. When women, and this can be any race, meet a Black man who is clicking on all cylinders they will become intimidated and will try to find something wrong with him because he is “too good to be true.” If someone looks for a flaw they will find it. They will not only find the flaw they will magnify it and make it an excuse to ultimately reject the man.
Returning to the example I used about my associate who looked like Malcolm X. He told me that women rejected him because he didn’t have money. On one hand that can be a legitimate argument if the broke man is doing nothing to improve his financial situation. If the man is unemployed or underemployed I can see and understand a woman not wanting to deal with him. That’s more than fair. Yet unless a man has a trust fund, which very few Black men have, that man is going to have to work towards getting a lot of money. Women rejected “Malcolm” for a lack of money but this man once he passed the bar immediately started making six figures. The reality is that he and other similarly situated men were not rejected for a lack of money or whatever other excuse women make. The real deal is that women may say they want a handsome man with money but most women wouldn’t know what to do with such a man if they were lucky enough to encounter one.
Back in the nineties I used to give out a lot of relationship surveys. I even worked with others giving out their surveys. A lot of things I talk about isn’t just something off the top of my head. Many people have filled out questionnaires for me and my associates. One survey I created and gave out at a vending event opened eyes for me. On the survey was one question. I asked ladies what they would do if they met a man who was handsome, muscular, and educated with money. I gave the survey to older women and younger women. The older women responded without even writing anything down. They said they would engage the man without any hesitation. Now these were women in their fifties and sixties. The younger women on the other hand didn’t answer the question. The survey was given to maybe twenty women who were in their twenties and thirties. Now only did they not answer the question I observed many sitting down just staring at the piece of paper. They had no idea how to respond. I was at least expecting some joke answers. I got nothing.
I’m bringing this up because over the years I’ve met many Black men who had it going on. I can’t judge their facial features but as a former personal trainer I can evaluate physiques. These men were in the top percentage of the population as far as their body builds. These same men were also professionals or were making a lot of money as business owners. These men were intelligent and built and yet would complain about not being in a relationship. Talking with these men they weren’t necessarily looking for fashion models. For the most part they just wanted a decent looking cooperative and receptive woman. Now I’ve focused on Black men because every single white man I’ve known personally who has had physique, education, and money has had a pretty woman on his arm. Some had several pretty women. Similarly situated Black men seem to have trouble.
Many women really don’t know what do with an intelligent and athletic Black man. This isn’t just Black women but many women of other races are looking for that brotha they see on the ball court or in rap videos. The image of the well-rounded Black Man isn’t promoted in the media. Women when they look for men already have an idea of what they want. This image is formed by the men in their family, the men they grew up around, and the men who are promoted in the media. In their minds they have already written the script of how the encounters with different men will go. Many women already have the script for dealing with a trifling man. They already know what to do with a player. They know what to do with a lazy man. Many women will deal with a loser for no other reason than he’s in their comfort zone. Present the same woman with a success driven man and they will find something wrong with him when the real issue is that they don’t know what to do with him. That’s the real reason many women don’t want to deal with a man until he has money. They know how to deal with his money but not the person.
The point of this particular blog is not to ask women to change. I’m not going to tell women to choose better because quite frankly many are not capable of doing so. This blog is directed to the serious minded Black men who are working to do something with their lives. I’ve met so many hard working brothas who are wondering what the hell they have to do get love in their lives. Many of these men have been told how great they are by women and yet friend-zoned by the same women. Then these men will see the same women get involved with a loser.
Fellas count your blessings.
That woman just told you that they don’t really want anything out of life. A relationship with that woman will only cause you to lose everything you have worked so hard to acquire. Don’t ask the woman to change just keep doing you. See there are many women who will look at you and say you are “too good to be true.” Many will magnify any flaws you have in order to rationalize them not being attracted to you. They may even call you corny or lame. Many Black men get mad behind this. Don’t get mad. You don’t need that woman. Yeah she got a cute smile and a phat ass but on the inside she may be toxic. Let me share some real game with you as far as how I read women.
If I want to know anything about a woman, I pay attention to what type of men they are friendly to or that they say they truly find attractive. That will tell everything you need to know. A woman will lie about many things but the man she finds attractive will always be a reflection of her true self. If a woman is attracted to unemployed lazy losers there is something in her that’s lazy. If she is attracted to players always bringing drama that means she is someone full of drama. A woman more so than a man will always be attracted to someone who reflects who they are on the inside. Men tend to be attracted to a nice body regardless of the personality attached.
If a woman is not inwardly attracted to a handsome, well-built, driven man with money that means there’s something in her not compatible with the personality traits of that man. It’s a certain type of personality that is innately suited to success in this particular culture. Many women are not attracted to this particularly personality type. Some women may marry that type of man but will cheat with the bum they met at the liquor store. There are however, many women who are inwardly attracted to the Thorough Black Man. Instead of worrying about women chasing thugs and losers the men need to stay focused on building themselves up and recognizing the right women. If as a man the term “too good to be true” has been applied to you, just smile. It means you have been going in the right direction.