One of the first relationship books I read back in the day was by a gentleman named Don Spears. The book was called, “In Search of Goodpussy.” Yeah that was the title. The gist of the book was about how men, particularly Black men, were looking for love in their relationships. Don Spears covered a lot of issues that are still relevant today even though his book was published in 1991. One chapter was entitled, “Incompatibility and Unrealistic Expectations.” In that chapter he said the biggest reasons relationships fail is that the two people were incompatible with each other and that they had unrealistic expectations that such a relationship would work. Let’s look at the unrealistic expectation piece first.
The biggest single problem in male/female relationships is that most people are not realistic in searching for a mate. You have plain looking, average shaped women with boring personalities thinking they can get a top tier male. These women will not only reject men who are more in their league as far as looks and personality but they will do so with an attitude. Even when they manage to hook up with a Select Man in most cases they are not really compatible. Bomb sex doesn’t mean that two people need to be together outside the bedroom. Dude could just have that good dick which he shares with five other women. Yet Plain Jane thinks its love when she is really just a cool booty call. Then when Plain Jane realizes that Mr. Goodbar doesn’t love her all men become dogs until she starts to swoon in the arms of another sexy dude.
The bad part in all of this is that her Plain Jane girlfriends will encourage her in this. They know their girl don’t look good in those yoga pants and that she should stop doing her own hair. They will be the main ones saying that pretty boy don’t know what he’s missing out on. Her girlfriends ain’t being honest with her because they want to believe they can get a rich pretty boy too.
The irony is that Plain Jane will have an Average Joe who is feeling her basic looking self, even with the muffin top. She can even be in a relationship with him. Average Joe treats her well, holds her hand in public, and is even decent in bed. Of course her jealous girlfriends start getting in her ear about how she could do better. Average Joe is just a regular looking dude who could stand to lose some weight and needs to buy clothes from places other than a discount store. Plus her girlfriends are jealous that Jane has a man at all as no one is blowing up their phones or liking their pictures on social media. Jane starts listening to her girlfriends and kicks Average Joe to the curb for some minor shit. Story don’t end there though.
Few women will kick a man to the curb without having another man in mind. Jane has been checking out this tall muscular dude she has been seeing around the mall where she works, Dexter Goodbar. Dude starts being friendly to Jane after she had said hi to him every time she saw him for a month. Her sexual interest shows all over her face so Dexter marks her for sex somewhere down the road. Jane, being in her fantasy world thinks she has a chance so after getting rid of Average Joe she fixes her hair a bit and starts wearing body shaping garments under her clothes. She even shops for new outfits and finally joins a gym. Dexter takes notice and gives her his number. She blows up his phone and friends him on social media. They eventually have sex after he invites her over to chill. They go hot and heavy for a month before he decides to kick her to the curb. A Dime made herself available to him and he didn’t want to be seen in public with Jane anyway.
Plain Jane goes into depression because she realized that she was just a sex toy for Goodbar as he never went out with her. To add to that depression she finds out that Average Joe is now going out with one of the women who told her to get rid of Average Joe to begin with. The problem was Plain Jane wasn’t realistic as to who she was and the type of man she could actually get.
It’s just as bad for men. There are many Non-Select men who can probably get a decent woman. That woman will not be a Dime though. For every woman who is insistent on getting an A-1 man there is a woman who has enough common sense to be good with an Average Joe. Thing is, many Average Joes don’t want those women. Dude is plain-looking or even ugly. He isn’t tall, doesn’t have an athletic body, and has very little style as far as dressing. His personality is dull. Yet many of these men because they have a steady job with decent pay think they should get a Dime. Not just a Dime but a Dime who will fuck them like a pornstar. I’ve heard numerous Average Joes articulate this in one form or another.
These men don’t seem to grasp that a beautiful woman who is good at sex will want a similar man. A woman know she got a pretty face, firm breasts, a small waist, and a phat round ass. Good genes gave her the face and three hours in the gym, six days a week gave her the body. Her hard work on her job supplemented by men with big credit limits paid for her hair and tight dresses. The fuck will this Dime want with some homely, pudgy, or skinny dude who can’t engage her in a stimulating conversation? There are some men who honestly think a Dime wants a fucked up looking dude humping her for three minutes. A Dime more so than a Plain Jane wants Mr. Goodbar. The more a woman is in good physical shape especially internally the more she will be aroused by a man with a great body.
Many Average Joes, Good Guys, Nerdy Guys, and Gamesmen think they have a real chance with a Dime. It’s easier to lie to themselves instead of doing the work necessary to become desirable. After the Non-Select men get rejected for the umpteenth time they either withdraw from the game or take to the Internet where they can call women bitches and thots.
The problem comes down to people not staying in their lane. Many men and women want that ideal figure as opposed to the person they can actually get. So many men and women are chasing unicorns and then get depressed when they don’t find that special person. It’s not that the person don’t exist, it’s just that the person may not look like someone’s romantic ideal on the surface. I’m not saying go for someone who is physically unattractive to you. It’s just that often when people are chasing Dexter Goodbar or Julie Dime they pass over decent people right in their midst. People who are not only decent looking but have compatible personalities.
So many people out here are looking for surface shit. Thing is being attracted to the outer shell is normal and necessary in a balanced relationship. Notice I said balanced. Fuck political correctness, a person needs to like to look at their mates. The problem is that people put so much stock in the outer that they miss the inner. That’s why a lot of men and women get burned. You might like a person’s face and body but what if that person practices a value system that is in opposition to your own? The physical aspect of the relationship will be good for a few months but problems will occur once the value systems and personalities start to show themselves.
I’ve known several Dimes in my life. Some were compatible to my personality and some were not. It didn’t make anyone bad but any relationship with the incompatible women beyond sex would have caused me mental anguish. So many men chase these incompatible women anyway. Yeah they look good to family and friends but behind closed doors many men are getting their asses kicked emotionally. I’ve had men tell me the vile shit some women did to them and they would always end the conversation with, “she had a phat ass though.”
I’ve known a few extremely handsome men in my life. It would seem like they had it made. Nope they got their foul shit too. I’ve not only known these men, I’ve known their women as well. The women found out the hard way that all that glitters is not gold. Piercing eyes and a pretty smile have fucked up many a woman’s head. The problem was that women didn’t think in terms of compatibility. A handsome man making a woman laugh is just that, a handsome man making a woman laugh. If a man look good enough he could say “poo poo” in a monotone voice and the woman will think it’s the funniest and sexiest thing she has ever heard. A muscular body can make a man a comic genius to a horny woman. This doesn’t speak to whether they are compatible yet a woman will think they are right for each other.
Ultimately people need to balance how they choose a mate. First they have to be realistic. If a man is 5’7”, twenty pounds overweight, with an average face, and sporadic employment history it would be unrealistic for him to think that a 5’11” Dime with a killer body and high paying job is going to want him. The woman who might feel him may be plain looking with extra weight around her stomach. Thing is she is shorter than him and will tolerate his inability to keep a steady job as long as he treats her right. She even thinks he’s cute.
If a woman is plain faced, slim, without any curves or breasts, and dull personality it isn’t realistic to think she’ll get a tall muscular man with money and charisma. Only in poorly written romance novels does this happen. If she does get such a man he will likely use her to do things sexually his girlfriend or wife doesn’t want to do. The best man for this woman is someone who likes slim and quiet women who may be average looking with a modest income and equally dull personality.
Bottom line is that people have to have realistic expectations of potential mates and they have to be compatible.