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No Incentive to be a Good Man

12/14/2014

6 Comments

 
            I’m going to share a major frustration I’ve had over the years.   I’ve been writing books and conducting seminars on male/female relationships since 1997.   Even though I’ve written some things for women my main focus has been on self-development for men.   I’ve done books, seminars, and one-on-one coaching with hundreds of men from teenagers to even a few old enough to be my father.   My main theme is simply standing up and being a good, responsible, honorable man.   As I say in my books, a Real Man.   Sounds good in theory.   The men for their part are willing to listen because most of the men I have talked to have been generally good guys.  Even the players I’ve talked to had generally good character traits.   There’s a big problem.  I can write and tell men to be Good Men until my chocolate skin turns blue.  A big problem is that it doesn’t seem like the Good Men are winning as far as getting women.

            Let’s be raw about it.   The Bad Boys are winning the sexy woman sweepstakes.   Even the Plain Janes are jumping over the Good Men in order to be in the rotation for the Bad Boys.   I know this not from the men but from what WOMEN are telling me.  I’m not exaggerating when I’ve said I’ve talked with thousands of women.   Through seminars, and book signings I’ve met women who have told me all their business.   Even on day jobs including sales jobs I’ve talked with a lot of women.   Women in general say they want a monogamous Good Man but the men they have the vagina tingles for are the womanizing players.   A woman can have five single and available Good Men interested in her but she is willing to be the side piece for the married Bad Boy.       Publically this same woman will go to seminars or on national TV and complain about the shortage of Good Men.  

            This is where the problem starts.  The woman may think she’s being slick and discreet with her married Bad Boy.   That Bad Boy though isn’t being discreet.   I want the women in particular who read this blog to understand one very important thing.  No matter how discreet a woman think she is being she is still dealing with a man who is not being discreet.   That man is going to tell SOMEBODY his business.   I know women who can keep things quiet.   Women are slicker than men when it comes to cheating.   Men though are going to tell somebody even it’s just his homie.   Thing is the homie is going to tell somebody else.   You got all these men dry snitching on themselves to the point where it WILL get back to the Good Men.   So the Good Man wonders why women are not trying to get at them but are spreading their legs wide open for a Bad Boy.  

            Let me share a scenario that many Good Men have shared with me over the years.  The story is always the same.  A Good Man will have a romantic interest in a woman and start dating her.   She may kiss him but they will not be sexually intimate.  She will come up with several reasons why they can’t have sex yet.   Some are religious, some have to do with “90 day rules,” and most often the woman will say she has to get to know the man.   The man, being good, will respect her wishes and think he has a good woman.   One way or the other the Good Man finds out that this woman who he was respecting has been having sex with another man.   The worst scenario is when a man catches who he thought to be his woman with another man in a sexually intimate situation.   One account that was shared with me is when this man as a college student was dealing with a fellow student.   He thought she was beautiful and nice, a good girl.   He respected her desire to wait for sex.   Yeah.   His heart was broken when she walked into a room at a party and saw her with four men.   She was sucking one man’s dick while another was doing her doggy style.   The other two men were waiting their turns.

            Here’s my thing.  Good Men really have little incentive to be good.   Men do what they do because they are motivated by the desire for sex.   I’ve always said that you can kill a man’s desire to achieve anything in his life if you convince him that no matter what he does, he will not get sex from a woman.   Men are booty-motivated.   Men create because of a desire to impress women in order to get sex.   Men want that reward.   That’s why so many men are dropping out of society.   They tried to do the right things but they weren’t rewarded.   It’s something that goes back to their teenage years.

            There are many teenage boys who study hard, go to church, help in the community, and stay out of trouble.   Those things don’t seem to impress the young girls.   If the teenage boy is deemed very cute he may still get some play.   The average boy though is just that, average.   The average male will not look good physically until his thirties.  If you look at a lot of male Hollywood sex symbols they were geeky as teenagers.   By the time a man has reached his thirties he has put some muscle on his frame or maybe lost some baby fat.  Weight loss or muscle gain affects a man’s facial structure which can make him more handsome.   In addition by his thirties the average man will be into his career and thus he will walk and talk with more confidence.  

            Now some men will become more handsome and confident but many more will just continue the pattern that was established when they were teenagers.   No matter what good qualities they have or develop, they will see young girls throw themselves at a Bad Boy for no other real than he has a cute dimpled smile.   The Bad Boy’s secret is not his personality despite what people think.  Bad Boys get attention because of his face and/or body build.   I have never in my life encountered an overweight, and ugly Bad Boy.   An ugly male with Bad Boy traits is called a creep by women.

            Many boys and young men see the handwriting on the wall.   That the reason why a lot of young boys, especially in the Black community, do not do well in school.   They don’t see the boys who are excelling academically getting the girls.   They don’t see the boys who are volunteering at church getting the girls.   They don’t see the boys who aren’t sagging their pants, and don’t have a bunch of tattoos winning with the girls.   Somebody can make the argument that there are good boys who do win but is it because these boys are “good” or because they are very cute?  

            Even as adults it’s hard to tell men to be honorable and responsible when it doesn’t seem apparent that this works with women.   Once again this isn’t coming from the men.   When women talk about a particular man with me it is EXTREMELY rare that she talks about his character traits.   Usually they are talking about his looks or his sex appeal.   This is coming not only from young girls but from women old enough to be my mother.   So for me that’s women in their sixties and seventies still picking men the same way they picked when they were teenagers.   

            I’ve mentioned this in a blog before and it bears being mentioned again.   Before I wrote my first relationship book both men and women used to ask me to teach them how to be a dog.   When I was younger I was very emotionally distant.   It used to stimulate that sense of longing that turns many women on sexually.   It was hard for me to tell a man that he needed to have good character traits when he saw me getting attention from a woman by being cold and distant.  Men out here are doing all the things women say they want in man.  The secret is that women want these good character traits in a man they deem to be sexually attractive.   The women in the forums and on social media are only talking about fifteen percent of the male population.   The average man sees this and comes to resent the select men and the women who love them.  

            Many men are asking, “What the point?”   For most men there is no incentive to be a Good Man.

           

6 Comments
Michael
12/14/2014 12:53:40 am

I probably shouldn't say this on a public forum because it was something you shared with me in a private coaching session but for the women who read your blog it needs to be said. So here goes....anytime a woman is willing to lose her life, or loses her life, or stays with a man despite all the warning signs to get out of that relationship just because he has a MUSCULAR BODY tells you that as a gender you have a lot to work on within yourselves. Too this day that story you shared with me, still sticks with me. I've had many days where your story would repeat back in my head and it would leave me speechless. Like literally i'd sit in my room or outside and try to rationalize it or try to understand it in my head, and it would leave me dumbfounded, i guess it shouldn't though. I'd heard about attractive women putting up with very foul things(on a much minor scale than murder off course) from men. There was the one black woman who worked with my mom in Dallas back when i was a kid who my older cousin was talking to, and he told me about all the foul things he did to this beautiful woman. Me and my cousin just couldn't understand why she'd stick around with that, but looking back at it now being older, one of the things that stood out about him was his built. The man was so built, he didn't have a neck. The man might have been on steroids honestly. The man was so muscular that even my cousin who is 6'5, 200 lbs and was just one major injury away from playing professional baseball told me he wouldn't even bother trying to fight that guy if a physical confrontation ensued. He'd just shoot him. Real talk this man she was with wasn't a "good" man, he was just muscular and that's why she was with him. But back to the topic of your blog, many of the things you've shared i've experienced. You mentioned a lot of black boys not doing well in school because it not being rewarded by the girls well there was times i felt 'burnt out' in school, sure i'd tell my parents or friends it was because "i'm tired of being in school" or because "i'm ready to move on and start my life" or because "i'm tired of taking exams and writing papers" but mainly the true reason is i had lost my motivation to continue. The fact is as a man anytime you're doing anything positive but your love life is nonexistent you're going to start asking yourself the question "what's the point?". It may be sad but the main reason we men do everything is to gain the attention of attractive women. I don't say it publicly but privately i know my real motivations, I don't desire a career in acting because of a burning passion for it, i desire a career in acting or entertainment because that's what attractive women gravitate towards. Just like most of society puts more value on athletes and entertainers than doctors, teachers, ect. Women flock more to men in those career fields, because a lot of them tend to be handsome or sexually appealing or if not good looking the career path they've chosen has the possibility in the long term to make the most money(or in professional athletes case they start out making a lot of money). But yeah in closing there is no incentive to be a "good man" and when i get to a point of finally being deemed "select" the incentive still won't be there because the fact is if you're considered sexy by women being a "good man" is a bonus not a prerequisite.....

Reply
Rom
12/14/2014 06:57:21 am

Powerful comment! Perfect compliment to the post. We need voices like yours to speak up. Hopefully people will feel what you are saying.

Reply
Joe
12/14/2014 12:55:20 pm

I am digging your site. I get tired of the tangent conversations, and racism from other "manosphere" sites.

Anyway, I have no problem with women wanting bad boys. The problems I have are the complaints that come with dating a Bad Boy, and the lack of honesty. Think about it, people tell tell men all the time "Hey, it's your fault for dating X type of women." Whether it's strippers, sluts, gold diggers, you name it, you know, the female equivalent of bad boys.
You may know more than I do, but I seldom hear women taken to task for their choices. As you have said before Bad Girls are attractive, but a lot of men, especially good men will avoid them. Very few times, if at all do I hear women, or anyone encouraging other women away from bad dudes.

The other problem I have is when men date outside of their group, whatever group that is, women get mad. Do women ever think that there is a real reason that white dudes date Asians, and black dudes date white chicks. Could it be because they are rationally expanding their market to improve their odds of dating. If women were honest they would allow themselves to know exactly why men leave their tribe to get a chick.
Basically, not only is there no incentive to be a good man ( other than fear of Hell's Fire), but there is absolutely no societal cost for women who choose the worst type of dude. She often gets cast as some noble victim, when in reality she is a dumb ass who got what she deserved, but no one is going to her that.

Reply
Rom
12/14/2014 05:16:30 pm

@Joe,
Another powerful comment! You're talking about some things that people don't want to get into. So you know I'll do a future blog on the subject of men looking outside of their group to date. Another issue you touched on is that most women are not honest publically about their choices.

Reply
Michael
12/16/2014 04:43:18 am

@ Joe. Lack of honesty is probably the main thing that angers me about black women in general besides their inability to EVER take responsibility for their actions and decisions when it comes to dating. Anytime you challenge them on their BS it's either " oh you must be bitter" or " you feel entitled to women" or some other DEFLECTION. But no I'd have more respect if they'd just say..." You know what, to get with me a man needs to have the height of Idris Elbra, the body of Dwayne Johnson, the face of Denzel Washington, the sense of humor of Kevin Hart, the bank account of Bob Johnson and the personality traits of the average nice guy and if that doesn't materialize then I'll own up to my poor, stupid, superficial decision making and take 100% responsibility ". If women said that,not only would 99% of men indefinitely leave them alone, but hey I'd be like " ok do you". But no they screw up and then they wanna vilify EVERY black man and I personally find that highly offensive. For example at my job this white woman was talking about how she wants a man who is tall and muscular and I'm standing there listening to her thinking(excuse my language)... "B*tch you're pushing 45, you work at Macy's. No man like that is checking for you." Seriously and their double standards is the cherry on top. So I should lower my standards from wanting Beyoncé to an average woman but you are allowed to want Lance Gross or Brad Pitt ? In all seriousness though I'm done ranting,(this blog just really struck a cord with me)because like Rom said in the " Do the work" blog, women aren't going to change. I the man has to change and fit their requirements and that's what I'll try to do to my best ability. But in the long run, the black community is not going to improve no matter how much good intentioned people like Rom try to fix if because the dating situation is screwed up and as a result the family situation is screwed up. It's a trickle down effect at the end of the day.

Reply
Joe
12/18/2014 12:11:15 pm

@ Mike, keep in mind that most people don't like to take responsibility for their actions. No one likes the mirror. But it seems to me that men are more likely to take responsibility for bad decisions. The reason I think we get all the blame is because we are forced to, people have no problem with holding men to account, and many of us willingly jump on our swords and take the blame. Very few people are willing to hold women to account, because we all know the consequences for that. Therefore they don't take have to make an account, so they won't. I don't care whether it's Church, TV, Oprah, Manosphere men always seems to be at fault if relationships are not good or non-existent.

And the reason you are called bitter is because women, in my opinion, engage in projection. I think women are self-centered ( not selfish). I think it is difficult for women not to see the world though their eyes. They are bitter and feel entitled, ergo they assume you feel the same way. Just an opinion. But just listen to how many times a woman will turn any conversation back to themselves.

Reply



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