No Incentive to be a Good Man

            I’m going to share a major frustration I’ve had over the years.   I’ve been writing books and conducting seminars on male/female relationships since 1997.   Even though I’ve written some things for women my main focus has been on self-development for men.   I’ve done books, seminars, and one-on-one coaching with hundreds of men from teenagers to even a few old enough to be my father.   My main theme is simply standing up and being a good, responsible, honorable man.   As I say in my books, a Real Man.   Sounds good in theory.   The men for their part are willing to listen because most of the men I have talked to have been generally good guys.  Even the players I’ve talked to had generally good character traits.   There’s a big problem.  I can write and tell men to be Good Men until my chocolate skin turns blue.  A big problem is that it doesn’t seem like the Good Men are winning as far as getting women.

            Let’s be raw about it.   The Bad Boys are winning the sexy woman sweepstakes.   Even the Plain Janes are jumping over the Good Men in order to be in the rotation for the Bad Boys.   I know this not from the men but from what WOMEN are telling me.  I’m not exaggerating when I’ve said I’ve talked with thousands of women.   Through seminars, and book signings I’ve met women who have told me all their business.   Even on day jobs including sales jobs I’ve talked with a lot of women.   Women in general say they want a monogamous Good Man but the men they have the vagina tingles for are the womanizing players.   A woman can have five single and available Good Men interested in her but she is willing to be the side piece for the married Bad Boy.       Publically this same woman will go to seminars or on national TV and complain about the shortage of Good Men.  

            This is where the problem starts.  The woman may think she’s being slick and discreet with her married Bad Boy.   That Bad Boy though isn’t being discreet.   I want the women in particular who read this blog to understand one very important thing.  No matter how discreet a woman think she is being she is still dealing with a man who is not being discreet.   That man is going to tell SOMEBODY his business.   I know women who can keep things quiet.   Women are slicker than men when it comes to cheating.   Men though are going to tell somebody even it’s just his homie.   Thing is the homie is going to tell somebody else.   You got all these men dry snitching on themselves to the point where it WILL get back to the Good Men.   So the Good Man wonders why women are not trying to get at them but are spreading their legs wide open for a Bad Boy.  

            Let me share a scenario that many Good Men have shared with me over the years.  The story is always the same.  A Good Man will have a romantic interest in a woman and start dating her.   She may kiss him but they will not be sexually intimate.  She will come up with several reasons why they can’t have sex yet.   Some are religious, some have to do with “90 day rules,” and most often the woman will say she has to get to know the man.   The man, being good, will respect her wishes and think he has a good woman.   One way or the other the Good Man finds out that this woman who he was respecting has been having sex with another man.   The worst scenario is when a man catches who he thought to be his woman with another man in a sexually intimate situation.   One account that was shared with me is when this man as a college student was dealing with a fellow student.   He thought she was beautiful and nice, a good girl.   He respected her desire to wait for sex.   Yeah.   His heart was broken when she walked into a room at a party and saw her with four men.   She was sucking one man’s dick while another was doing her doggy style.   The other two men were waiting their turns.

            Here’s my thing.  Good Men really have little incentive to be good.   Men do what they do because they are motivated by the desire for sex.   I’ve always said that you can kill a man’s desire to achieve anything in his life if you convince him that no matter what he does, he will not get sex from a woman.   Men are booty-motivated.   Men create because of a desire to impress women in order to get sex.   Men want that reward.   That’s why so many men are dropping out of society.   They tried to do the right things but they weren’t rewarded.   It’s something that goes back to their teenage years.

            There are many teenage boys who study hard, go to church, help in the community, and stay out of trouble.   Those things don’t seem to impress the young girls.   If the teenage boy is deemed very cute he may still get some play.   The average boy though is just that, average.   The average male will not look good physically until his thirties.  If you look at a lot of male Hollywood sex symbols they were geeky as teenagers.   By the time a man has reached his thirties he has put some muscle on his frame or maybe lost some baby fat.  Weight loss or muscle gain affects a man’s facial structure which can make him more handsome.   In addition by his thirties the average man will be into his career and thus he will walk and talk with more confidence.  

            Now some men will become more handsome and confident but many more will just continue the pattern that was established when they were teenagers.   No matter what good qualities they have or develop, they will see young girls throw themselves at a Bad Boy for no other real than he has a cute dimpled smile.   The Bad Boy’s secret is not his personality despite what people think.  Bad Boys get attention because of his face and/or body build.   I have never in my life encountered an overweight, and ugly Bad Boy.   An ugly male with Bad Boy traits is called a creep by women.

            Many boys and young men see the handwriting on the wall.   That the reason why a lot of young boys, especially in the Black community, do not do well in school.   They don’t see the boys who are excelling academically getting the girls.   They don’t see the boys who are volunteering at church getting the girls.   They don’t see the boys who aren’t sagging their pants, and don’t have a bunch of tattoos winning with the girls.   Somebody can make the argument that there are good boys who do win but is it because these boys are “good” or because they are very cute?  

            Even as adults it’s hard to tell men to be honorable and responsible when it doesn’t seem apparent that this works with women.   Once again this isn’t coming from the men.   When women talk about a particular man with me it is EXTREMELY rare that she talks about his character traits.   Usually they are talking about his looks or his sex appeal.   This is coming not only from young girls but from women old enough to be my mother.   So for me that’s women in their sixties and seventies still picking men the same way they picked when they were teenagers.   

            I’ve mentioned this in a blog before and it bears being mentioned again.   Before I wrote my first relationship book both men and women used to ask me to teach them how to be a dog.   When I was younger I was very emotionally distant.   It used to stimulate that sense of longing that turns many women on sexually.   It was hard for me to tell a man that he needed to have good character traits when he saw me getting attention from a woman by being cold and distant.  Men out here are doing all the things women say they want in man.  The secret is that women want these good character traits in a man they deem to be sexually attractive.   The women in the forums and on social media are only talking about fifteen percent of the male population.   The average man sees this and comes to resent the select men and the women who love them.  

            Many men are asking, “What the point?”   For most men there is no incentive to be a Good Man.