The Female Gaze

            The video above fits in perfectly with the theme of today’s blog.   I’m sure people think that “Chocolate City” is a rip-off of “Magic Mike.”   Whatever. I’ve known Black male strippers going back to the nineties.   One woman even offered me money to dance at a friend’s birthday.   The conversation went something like this:

            Woman:  I would love for you to come dance at my friend’s birthday party.

            Rom:  I’m not a stripper though.   I don’t have any rhythm.  I don’t think I’ll be very entertaining.

            The woman looked me up and down while licking her lips. 

            Woman:  You got pretty eyes and you’re muscular.  I don’t think they’re going to care if you’re on beat.

            I’ve had some interesting life experiences.

            The past week I’ve been seeing many signs of how women feel about a man’s physical appearance.   I was in a department store at a local mall the other day.   Now, I’m one of those people that knows everybody particularly the ladies.   Grocery store, “Hey Rom.”  Comic book store, “Hey Rom.”  Mall kiosk, “Hey Rom.”  Amish farmers market, “Hey Rom.”   Of course that last one is said with a Pennsylvania Dutch accent.  Anyway I was at the department store and all my young female sales associate friends were going crazy over this one customer.   They dude had a swimmers build, with sleeve tattoos and a full well-groomed beard.    He was dressed real well.   These young girls look like they had several orgasms just from seeing the man.  I asked one young girl where she would rate the man on a scale from 1 to 10.   She thought about it, looked up at me with a giddy expression on her face, and said, “9.9.”

            Okay then.

            Many men want to believe a man’s physical appearance doesn’t turn on women sexually the same way that a woman’s physical appearance turns them on.   Many women even try to promote this idea.   Bullshit.   Women are probably worse in this regard.   A man will still deal with a less than attractive woman if she is easy enough.   That’s why many men will go for ugly, overweight women.  They believe it will be easier to have sex with the woman.  Women are not that way.   The reason why so many women are single is that they are not physically attracted to the men they see every day.   Instead of women saying there is a shortage of “good men,” women would be more truthful in saying that there is a shortage of “good looking men.”  

            Think about it like this.   A popular saying is that all the “good men are either married, in jail, or gay.”   If good means “good for women” as in moral character and most importantly being interested in women, how are men in jail or gay, “good?”    Think about it now.   One thing that men in jail and many who are gay have in common is that they hit the gym.   A professional bodybuilder broke it down perfectly for me.  He said that women flock to the jails because many of those men have nothing else to do but lift weights.   I’ve heard women use the term “Prison Body” when describing a man’s body.

            Let me be clear before I go further.  When I say “physical appearance” I don’t mean just a man’s facial features.   When many people talk about looks they are only referring to a person’s face.   There is a subculture of men on the internet who feel like if they get plastic surgery they will also get attention from beautiful women.   Sorry Charlie.   Many Nice Guys actually have good bone structures.   I knew this dude who had the square jaw of a movie star.   He was also a total nerd who dressed poorly and was built like a man who didn’t quite reach puberty.  Physical appearance is the total package.   I’ll get more into that later.   We need to look at the factors of how things got to the point where someone like me could get offered money to dance at a party.

            Women being turned on by a man’s physical appearance is nothing new.   It’s been that way as long as there has been a human race.   As a result women gravitated to the most physical appealing men.  Research has shown that all the people alive today are descended from a relatively small percentage of men.   For reference sake I let’s use the term Genetic Alpha Males.   The Genetic Alpha Males were the healthiest, most fit looking men.  It had nothing to do with behavior.  It didn’t then and it doesn’t now.   All these female teachers sleeping with their male students aren’t sleeping with them because the boys are take charge types.   They are sleeping with them because they have tight bodies.   The teachers always seem to pick the jocks and not the school nerds or fat kids.

            What happened in history though is that in different cultures the Genetic Beta Males observed what was going on and realized they needed to change some things if they were going to pass their genes into the future or at least get steady sex.  Gradually, cultural paradigms began to develop which would cause women to be able to spread the wealth so to speak.   One cultural paradigm is religion.   Many religions work in some way to control a woman’s natural sexual urges.   Another cultural paradigm is the idea that women are more naturally monogamous.  Yeah right.  One cultural paradigm that developed was having women dependent on men for economic security.   The paradigm that evolved was that women would trade their physical beauty for economic security from the man most willing to provide for them.   So instead of women going for the man who was most physically appealing they went for the man with the most money.   Now as society became more industrialized the man who had the most money may have been the Genetic Beta Male.   This state of affairs became so ingrained in the culture that people think it is a genetic feature in humanity.  Naw, it’s a learned behavior that might have stayed intact if not for a major paradigm shift that happened in the last forty years in Western culture.

            Feminism.

            In terms of relationships feminism's greatest impact was to free women in general from being economically dependent on men.   Women can CHOOSE to have a man provide for them but they don’t NEED a man to provide for them.   This is a very major paradigm shift.   The main game for men collectively in the last few thousand years had never been to simply look good.   The main game has never been to appeal to women using romantic gestures.   The main game was always to have a willingness to be a provider.      Unless a man is a multi-millionaire, the size of a man’s wallet doesn’t matter the way it once did to women.   Women these days got well-paying jobs, they have nice size houses, big cars, and nice retirement plans.   They don’t NEED money from a man.   Women can survive economically on their own.   The trump card of millions of men has been taken away.  

            There’s a subculture of men on the internet who are involuntarily celibate or as they known, Incels.   Most of these men self-describe themselves as physically unattractive.   There is however another group of men who I would consider involuntarily celibate.   These are regular men with good paying jobs who are still single.   They don’t have movie star facial features and are not built like male strippers.   Many just work and go home.   Many engage in sex tourism.

            What Feminism has done has freed the female gaze.   Before a woman could see a good looking man, maybe even have sex with him on rare occasions.   Long term though she had to think in terms of whether the man had a good job and would do the right with her.   Not anymore.   Women are free to have sex with whoever they want.   If a woman sees a handsome, well-built man she can have sex with him to her heart’s delight.   There are several forms of protection, and if she gets pregnant many women have the means to take care of a child by themselves.   Even a poor woman can get state assistance.   Many women use the child support system to get money for their children without the burden of having to marry the man.   The bottom line in all this is that women are free to pursue a man based on nothing else but his physical appearance.

            Now there are some women who will disagree with what I just wrote.  They will say that they care about his personality and income potential.   They want him to have plans.   Two things.  One, in the Select/Non-Select paradigm that exists in the relationship culture the men who are solidly in the select group are there because of their physical appearance.  Money and personality are secondary concerns.   There are plenty of men in the non-select group who have money and great personalities.   They also have a regular physical appearance.    I’ve done a lot of workshops and seminars.   One game I played in my head at these events was called, “Spot the Goodbar.”   As I would be talking or sitting on a panel I would look around the room and pick out the men I believed were seen by women as Mr. Goodbar.   After the workshops I would approach the men and ask, “So how the ladies treating you?”   I could tell from a man’s response whether women saw him as Select or Non-Select.   My accuracy rate was 100 percent as far as picking out Goodbars.   I could tell by the man’s body build and also how he dressed.   I could also tell by how many women would be checking him out.   On many occasions women would approach me and ask, “So who’s your friend?”

            The second thing is that many women act like they don’t care about a man’s physical appearance because they don’t want a man to judge them on their physical appearance.    Many women publically will say that, “all women are beautiful.”   Privately they are quick to call a woman ugly.  Also many women deep down don’t see themselves as attractive.   Just like there are Select and Non-Select men, there are Select and Non-Select women.    Men are straight up about going for physically attractive women.   Quite unapologetic about it.   The Select women are the ones with the pretty faces and shapely bodies.  In general, personality is a secondary concern.   The Non-Select women are the Plain Janes and ugly women otherwise known as Coyotes.   Many women work to get men to see past a woman’s unattractiveness.   It’s tough to do if women admitted that a man needs to be physically attractive.  Now certain classes of beautiful women have no problem saying a man needs to be “fine.”   Unattractive women saying the same thing get clowned.   They do, however, say it privately.  Plus I have known several good-looking men who like to go Coyote hunting.   Think real hard on the following statement.

            If a man’s physical appearance didn’t matter why are there several gainfully employed, good character having, drug and disease free, child-free, home-owning men who are not only single but are involuntarily celibate?

            Women have always been honest about their true feelings with me.   I have had women tell me straight up the only reason they have rejected a particular man was that he was ugly.   I can think of only ONE time when a woman said she rejected a man because of his CHARACTER.  Out of conversations with THOUSANDS of women, ONE time?  Now in public these same women will pull reasons for rejecting a man out of the air, talking about the man’s political leanings, his job status, and even his shoes.  

            At the same time I’ve had women tell me the reasons they slept with a particular man.   It had nothing to do with character.   I’ve had several women tell me they sucked a man’s dick for no other reason than they liked his eyes.   Other women have told me they liked a man because of his hair.   I’ve known church girls who have slept with men because they were pretty boys.  I have NEVER had a woman tell me she slept with a man because he was a mentor to neighborhood boys and that he was active in his church.   I NEVER had a woman tell me she slept with a woman because of his CHARACTER.   Indeed many women complain when the muscle man they just rode for an hour has a jacked up personality.

            Don’t get me started.

            So I know the Average Joe watched the video at the beginning of the blog and read everything and is feeling depressed.   They are feeling like they lost the genetic lottery.   Here’s the thing about physically attractive men.  Most didn’t start off that way.   Very, very few men are physically attractive from birth.   Very, very few women are physically attractive from birth.   In my personal opinion people who are physically beautiful based on pure genetics are as rare as true redheads.   If one were to see the high school pictures of most male actors who are sex symbols they would see some dorks.   People who are physically attractive have to work.   When I go to my gym, I see beautiful young women who spend two to three hours working out.  They will run, lift weights and do squats to get their bodies right.   I know one very beautiful young lady who looks like a 5’9” real life Barbie.   She also played basketball, volleyball, and ran track in high school.   Indeed here’s a little “game” for the fellas.  When you meet a woman in great shape ask her if she played organized sports.   95 percent of the time she will answer yes and smile because you just validated her.   You now have a conversation opener.   Bottom line is that beautiful people do the work.

            Now I want to end this blog with two men I know/known who are/were considered physically attractive to women.   One I will call Zac because he looks like Zac Efron.   Now Zac is trying to break into the modeling field.   Not only does he facially look like Zac Efron but he lifts weights like crazy.   In addition when I see him at the mall where he works he is always in a nice suit and wears good shoes.  His haircut and beard are always well groomed and he wears studs that compliment his overall look.   Plus he has some tattoos.   This is the after picture.   When he was high school he looked like a total dork.   He had a plain haircut, no muscles, and a goofy smile.   What he did was build himself up.   He went from getting no play from girls to having girls approach him.  Very beautiful girls.   He did the work.

            The second man who had the women going crazy was a man I’ll call Jay.   From what women told me he had an average face.   He wasn’t muscular but he wasn’t fat either.   He stayed in good shape.   Jay was considered attractive because of his grooming and his fashion game.   He always had a fresh haircut and always kept his face shaved.   Jay was stylish even in casual clothes.   I played basketball with him and even playing in pickup games his shirt, shorts, socks, and shoes were coordinated.    Jay was one of those cats who wouldn’t go to the grocery store without making sure his shirt was ironed, pants creased, shoes shined, and cologne just right.   That was an art.  

              One thing with women is that they look at the whole package.   If a man is average looking but makes an effort with his grooming and fashion women appreciate that.   A woman will suck a dick off a man’s shoes.   Women are more pragmatic than men give them credit for.   They know every man isn’t 6’2” with washboard abs, powerful legs and piercing eyes.   If man looks like he works at his physical presentation, many beautiful women will think, “I think I can work with him.”

         The main thing men have to realize is that the physical appearance matters and not just as a secondary concern.   When women meet a man they evaluate him within a few seconds and place him into the select or non-select category.   It's just how it is.   A man needs to be on point visually if he is serious about getting women.   Men have to face the reality that as a culture we’re not going back to the days when a man simply had to be a good provider.   As men we are being forced to evolve.

                 Think on this.