When men hear the term, “good man” they think in terms of hardworking men, who are decent, good citizens who would treat women with kindness. They are thinking in terms of character traits. Indeed when women publically discuss “good men” they too will speak in terms of character traits. Depending on the social class the definition may include being gainfully employed or having a college degree. There’s a problem with all of this. If a “good man” is someone with good character traits as well gainfully employed and educated there shouldn’t be too many complaints from women. There are millions of single, never-married, employed, educated, and heterosexual men out there. Women seem to look past these men. Now many men believe that women don’t know a good man when they see one. I strongly disagree. Women ALWAYS know a good man when they see one. The issue is the true definition of a “good man.”
In my last blog, “The True Player’s Secret,” I discussed the difference between a woman’s social needs and her sexual needs. A woman’s social needs and sexual needs often contradict each other especially in a culture that works to suppress a woman’s sexuality. When women talk about a “shortage of good men” they don’t mean in a social sense. There are plenty of available men who women consider socially good. Women don’t consider these men good in a sexual sense. “Good man” is really womanese for “good-looking,” “sexy as fuck,” “damn he fine,” and “he could get it.” When women complain about a shortage of good men they are simply talking about men who can turn them on sexually.
Most men are very honest in the sense that they say publically they want good looking and sexy women. Even men who identify themselves as nice guys will say they want, and even in some cases feel entitled to, sexy women. Too me it’s stupid to believe that women are not the same way. I consistently hear men and less than honest women say that women don’t care as much about looks. I’ve even said it in moments of delusion. Women care very much about looks because they are sexually turned on by men’s looks. Yes women will have sex with unattractive men but it’s usually for the same reasons a man will have sex with an unattractive women. Sometimes people just need some. By nature women are always LOOKING to be aroused by men. When women check out a man it’s not because they are necessarily interested in him. They are looking for a sexual spark. It is often said that a woman makes a determination about a man within the first few minutes of meeting him. That determination is not based on the man’s character traits or his financial portfolio. The determination is based on the man’s face, body, dick print, voice, smell, and body language. If the woman feels a sexual spark she may give the man a chance to proceed further. If she doesn’t she keeps walking.
When a woman looks at a man with her sexual face she is subconsciously thinking two things: potential father of her children and a very pleasurable sexual experience. Consider a quote from my book, Sexual Chemistry:
Men do many things to attract the attention of women. They flash money, tell lies, and even try to intimidate women into going out with them. If, however, one were to strip away everything else, a woman’s primary attraction to a man is not going to be based on things such as money, status, or even personality. The attraction will be primal. The men women will go for, indeed throw themselves at are the ones who are the most healthy and appear to be the strongest. It’s really no different from female animals that only mate with the healthiest and strongest males in order to have the strongest offspring. Of course, other factors come into play with regard to humans but that primal dynamic underlies everything. Women, at a primal level, are looking for a man with the best genes to father their children. The men perceived as having the best genes will arouse women the most. No matter how sophisticated we get, no matter how many books we read, no matter our spiritual or political beliefs, women are looking for the healthiest male with the best genetic material.
Sexual Chemistry pp. 69 -70
People often talk about alpha males. See women in general want alpha males but not social alpha males. There are plenty of men who are socially confident, successful, and are leaders. Many of these men either have trouble finding women, are partnered with unattractive women, engage in alternative sexual lifestyles, or frequently pay for sex. Sex tourism or paying for a dominatrix isn’t cheap. According to the prevailing wisdom these men should be at the top of the sexual pecking order but they are not. They are social alpha males but women don’t want them. Women get that tingle in their vaginas when they run into sexual alpha males.
Most sexual alpha males are not successful captains of industry. Many sexual alpha males come from poor and working class environments. This is why there is the belief that women only want bad boys or thugs. It’s not so much that these men are actually thugs but more of a perception based on class differences. Many men who self-identify as nice guys or good men have middle class backgrounds and attitudes or at least have adopted them. There is a tendency to look down on men from poorer backgrounds. The middle class nice guys will wonder why women are going crazy over men from the underclass. It has nothing to do with the attitudes or behaviors. It’s about the physical nature of these men. An upper class man with the same physical body and presence would get as much attention.
Years ago I worked at a gym where several sexual alpha males worked out. Of course all the male members weren’t sexual alpha males. Maybe 25 percent of the men qualified. It was an interesting mix of social classes, backgrounds, and occupations. Among the sexual alpha males there were male strippers, drug dealers, police officers, blue collar men, business owners, former college athletes, and senior management types. Women used to join the gym just to get at these men. Membership sales were easy for me. I would take a woman through the areas where the most men worked out. These sexual alpha males helped a brotha feed his babies. Now the only thing these men had in common was their body builds. That’s it. They had different personalities, they weren’t thugs (the drug dealers were more high level) and they were definitely different social classes. One of them once said to me about pulling women, “Rom, it’s too easy.” He said this after a phat booty young lady handed him her phone number without him asking.
At the gym there were some men who would qualify as social alpha males because of their social class, education, and occupations. They also tended to be married to very attractive women. Women who complain the most about a shortage of good men are often middle class and formally educated. Their real complaint is that there are not enough men who are middle class and formally educated who can also turn them on sexually. When I was promoting my first book, Nice Guys and Players, I had many middle to upper class African American women buy the book. The basic premise of Nice Guys and Players is that women want a man who is socially acceptable but also sexually pleasing. Many women can find a man who can get them wet but for several reasons they may not be able to be seen publically with him.
There’s a lot I can say about this issue. I may write a book on this subject because the social/sexual dynamics of the “Good Man Shortage” are quite fascinating. For now I say that the discussion about the “Good Man Shortage” needs to be an honest one. Most relationship discussions focus of the social side of relationships but not on the sexual side. If people are serious about creating better male/female relationships the sexual side must be addressed.