In Nice Guys and Players, I added a fifth category to the four categories of men. The fifth category of man I called The Real Man.
I had mix feelings about including the Real Man category. On one hand I was glad I did because quite frankly there are a few men who do not fit into one of the four main categories. A man goes into the Real Man category after he evolves out of the four main categories. My first book was geared to evolving men into the Real Man. On the other hand the inclusion of the Real Man category let many men off the hook. In seminars and talking with individual men, many would say that they are the Real Man. Yet their aura and actions would suggest otherwise. Many people will seriously believe that they have their act together when this is far from the case. I let the men believe what they wanted to but in reality they were far from being in the Real Man category.
The following is, as a friend would say, the “Real Deal Holyfield” definition of a Real Man:
The Real Man is the man, who has developed all three components of sexual chemistry i.e. his inner masculine nature, his sexual charisma, and physical/organic appearance. These components are not only fully developed but they are under the full control of a man’s will in the sense that his libido serves him and not the other way around. The Real Man is the man who has fully developed his will and is able to make the correct decision at the crossroads.
The Real Man is the one who has mastered the art of discipline. Outside forces cannot control this man. This man does not take action based on emotion. This man does not let his sex drive control him. He does not play games or wear a mask to hide his true face. He is not a passive bystander in the game of life. He is a hawk who soars above the crowd.
The key to understanding the Real Man is in relation to how he controls his sex drives. The key word here is “control.” There are many men who believe they control their sex drives when in reality they are suppressed. For an example let’s use two different men, Eric and Gary. Eric is a 30 year-old man with a good body build, average looks, and a pleasant demeanor. He is an avid reader of the Bible and he spends a great deal of time at his church. His parents were very strict as he grew up. Eric’s main peers are primarily people from his church. Eric is a virgin because he is waiting for marriage and he believes that pre-marital sex is a sin because of what the church, his parents, and his peers believe. Now Eric may believe he is a Real Man because of his discipline in sexual matters.
Gary is a 30 year-old man with a good body build, average looks, and a pleasant demeanor. Gary comes from a broken home and though he believes God exists Gary has no desire to step foot in a church. Gary never knew his father and his mother paid little attention to him as he was growing up. As result Gary fell into a bad crowd. He was sexually active since he was ten. By the time Gary reaches adulthood he had slept with more women than he could remember. As Gary gets older, however, he begins to be pickier about the women he deals with. By the time he is thirty Gary decides to not have sex until he meets a woman who would be good marriage material.
Now which man is the Real Man? If you picked Gary you are correct. A Real Man controls his own sexual drives because he makes the decision to do so. If someone controls their sexual drives because of outside influences they are not really in control. Using the above examples, Eric may think he is control of his sexual drives but in reality he is suppressed. The agents of suppression in this case are church doctrines, his parents, and his peers. Eric believes that pre-marital sex is a sin. Therefore he doesn’t have sex because he has a fear of sinning. His parents and his peers support this fear. Looking at it another way Eric would not have kept his sex drives under control if the fear element was not present.
Gary on the other hand, controls his sexual drives based on his personal decision. He was not forced to do it by outside forces nor was fear a factor. Gary’s issue was a loss of control of his sex drives. He simply got tired of having meaningless sex with different women. Outside factors did not play a role because Gary’s peers and certain factors in society supported Gary’s previous lifestyle. If anything Gary is going against the grain. By making the decision to be celibate until finding a woman who was marriage material Gary gained control over his sex drive.
The vast majority of people in society tend to fall either into the category of fear being a factor in their sexual life or a loss of control being a factor. The factors are subconscious in nature. Someone may think fear or loss of control is not present in their personalities but honest self-examination or more importantly, honest friends, will show one or the other to be the case. The four categories of men each fall into one of the factors. For Nice Guys fear is a factor in their sexual lives. This fear can come from a number of sources. It can be religious, psychological, or cultural. The result is always the same. This fear will have a suppressive effect on the sex drive of the Nice Guy. The Gamesman is the opposite. They have a loss of control issue, which is why Gamesmen will try to hit on every woman in their vicinity. The Gamesmen are being guided by their sex drives and not the other way around. The Masked Man will either have a loss of control issue or a fear issue. The mask will cover up these issues.
Mr. Goodbar is interesting in that he doesn’t have the fear factor that would suppress his sexual energy but he also doesn’t have as big an issue with the loss of control issue. As a group, Mr. Goodbars are more a balance of the two with a slight lean to the loss of control side. Keep in mind that one of things that attract women to Mr. Goodbar is that he is a challenge. Mr. Goodbar has the ability to resist the advances of women. In other words he has some level of sexual discipline. Of the four groups Mr. Goodbar has the greatest potential to evolve into the Real Man. All it takes is a greater development of his will.
The Real Deal about the Will
Many people walk around feeling like they have a strong will. They will point to their accomplishments or their material possessions or that they can be stubborn. These same people will have problems with addictions, infidelity, and a host of problems that plague them. Many stubborn people feel they have a strong will when in reality they may be stubborn because of pride or a false belief imposed on them by outside forces. The will is the ability to make a decision without coercion from any source whether it is outside factors or inner factors such as emotions and libido. The vast majority of people make decisions based on greater society, their peers, their emotions, and a host of other factors. The sad reality is that the overwhelming majority people do not have control over their lives. The current of life is simply sweeping them along. The following examples will illustrate my point.
Donny is a man whose will is asleep. He dresses according to the latest fad because everybody else is doing it. Donny constantly gets into bad relationships because they are dictated not by common sense but rather by his lust. He drives an expensive car he can’t afford because he sees other people with the same car. He believes almost everything he hears that comes from a source he believes to be authoritative. Donny never stands out in any crowd because he never does anything apart from the crowd. Everything Donny does is dictated by outside forces.
George has an awakened will. George dresses according to his personal tastes and he isn’t concerned about the latest fads because he realizes that fads always fade out leaving him with more clothes than he needs. George always has positive relationships because even though he has a strong sex drive he doesn’t allow it to make his relationship decisions. He will skip over the woman with the knockout body and take the woman who may be slightly overweight because she will be better for his personal growth. He picked his car based on reliability and affordability rather than popularity. George never believes something simply because he read it or heard it from someone claiming to be an authority. He always checks out information for himself and determines whether it can have positive application in his life. George always stands out in a crowd because he is not content to blindly follow others.
The Real Man is the man who has fully developed his will. There is no partially or little bit to this. When I say fully I mean fully. If a man takes actions based on fear he has not fully developed his will. Wayne dreams of starting a business because he can’t stand his job. Instead of actually starting a business Wayne comes up with several excuses such as keeping the bills paid, job benefits, inability to get a business loan, etc. All the excuses are superficial. Wayne doesn’t start a business because he has a fear of failure. His decision not to start a business is dictated by fear.
Another man, Trevor, wants to start a business. He is not able to do so because instead of taking the steps necessary to get a business started he is busy spending his money recklessly and chasing women. He can’t figure out why he can’t seem to get going. Trevor isn’t restrained by fear. He is confident he can make it in any business. Trevor’s problem is that he is not disciplined enough to focus on the mundane aspects of starting a business.
Steve is a man with a fully developed will. His wants a business providing health services to people because he feels it’s his life purpose. He doesn’t have any fear issues and he is very disciplined. He doesn’t allow outside factors to control his decisions.
The will is about freedom. Freedom to make a choice based on what’s best for one’s self. This choice isn’t based on emotion because emotions often override common sense and cause us to do things that will be detrimental in the long run. The divorce courts are full of people who made decisions based on emotions. The will is about making a decision free from outside coercion such as friends, family, institutions, and inner coercions such as lust or other emotions. Sometimes our friends and family want us to do things based more on their views and biases as opposed to what is best for ourselves. A man with a fully developed will is his own man. We all have individual paths to follow. More than anything else the will is about making the correct decision at the crossroads.
In the “Real Deal Holyfield” definition of a Real Man I said the following:
The Real Man is the man who has fully developed his will and is able to make the correct decision at the crossroads.
The crossroads is that the key point in everyone’s life where they will make a decision that will affect the direction and quality of their life until they reach the next crossroads. Crossroads are both major and minor events with major implications. Sometimes we are aware of these implications and most often we are not. Major crossroad events are college graduations, moving to a new city, a marriage ceremony, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, and other major events in one’s life. Minor crossroads events can be taking a different path to work or not talking to the person sitting next to you on a train. All crossroads events are life altering even if a person doesn’t realize it at the time. The major ones are obvious. Events like college graduations and marriage are new beginnings in people’s lives. Events like taking a different path to work or not talking to the person next to you on the train are minor but can have major implications. For example, taking a different path to work may seem minor and nothing eventful may happen in the person’s life for a long time. If, however, that person took their regular path to work they would have been killed in an auto accident. By not talking to the person sitting next to them on the train a person may miss out on a potential mate or some other opportunity.
It tough to know when one is at a crossroads situation. It takes some practice and reflection on one’s life. I would suggest all men and women reading this take the time out to look at the major events in their lives good and bad. Some of these situations were the crossroads while the rest of the situations resulted from making a poor decision at the crossroads. People are at the places they are in life because of their decisions at key points in their lives. People frequently made the wrong decisions in their lives because instead of using their will to make the best decision they allowed outside forces to decide for them.
With regard to relationships many men make the wrong move at the crossroads. The vast majority of men make decisions based on their libido as opposed to what’s in their long-term best interest. Now don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with the libido. The issue is whether the libido is the master of man or man is the master of the libido. For example you have two men, Kevin and Calvin. Kevin is led by his libido when he reaches the crossroads. He will see a woman with a bomb body and drop everything to chase her. Kevin’s biggest priority is chasing women. Everything he does in life is geared to women. As a result he doesn’t have much going for him otherwise. A bomb body turns on Calvin as any other man. Calvin, however, will weigh going after the woman with other considerations in his life. If going after a particular woman will not interfere with his overall life objective he will precede. If he feels that a woman will take him out of his life objective he will leave her alone. By exercising his will Calvin has avoided many of the pitfalls relationships can bring.
We all come to the crossroads. These situations involve making a choice. The choice is the difference between success and failure in any situation. We are able to make the best choice when we have the will to resist being coerced by emotions, family, friends, or society. Most of us make poor choices, which lead to lackluster lives. The only way to truly succeed in life is to develop the ability to make choices free of coercion.
Let’s Get Real
It’s time for men in society to develop their will. With society in the state that it’s in we cannot have men who are content to lead mediocre lives. It’s the time for leaders, and not followers. It’s the time for heroes who are going correct the ills of society starting from their corner of it. It’s time for men who are going to make a difference. It’s time to get real. Many men will say that they are the Real Man but when they reach the crossroads their actions do not back up their words. It’s time to walk the walk.