The following blog was originally published on June 8, 2014.
There are different types of players out there. Different groups of men use different methods to effectively attract and seduce women. The most obvious ones use looks and status. You have the Dexter Goodbars of the world who use raw sex appeal to get women. That never fails. Works a little too well. Ask me how I know. Then you have the Eric Money’s of the world. Oh wait I haven’t told you about Eric Money have I? Eric Money is that successful cat who had to work his way to the top. He wasn’t born with good genetics like Dexter. Eric had to work hard to keep his body tight and his grooming on point. Eric had to develop the confidence that comes from a man succeeding in life. He also needs to have that status with the professional career (doctor, lawyer, accountant) with a big house/condo in an exclusive neighborhood with the latest model luxury car. Eric can turn on women enough sexually and can take care of her material needs. Eric Money is the man women want for the long term. I’m going have Eric do a guest blog soon.
Then you got Larry Gamer. Larry gets the least amount of play from women even though he thinks he gets the most. After all he has attended numerous seminars on how to pick up women, and he reads all the books. On top of that he is on several websites and social media pages soaking up game. Larry isn’t a pretty boy like Dexter and can’t afford one thousand dollar tailored suits like Eric. Larry just got his game. So he goes and hits on every reasonably attractive woman he sees, young and old for a couple of weeks until he runs into Jane Basic who is inexperienced with men but still isn’t inclined to give up the goodies to anybody other than Dexter or Eric. Larry’s decent enough though so she lets him slob her down and suck her breasts. Of course Larry gets on a player website and makes it seem like Jane fucked him like a porn star.
Of course, I don’t have to say too much about Charlie Nice. He could give a guided tour of the friend zone. Being nice is Charlie’s game though. He believes what women say publically and in the media about what they want in a man. Now many men think these women are lying publically. They’re not. The message is just not meant for the Larry Gamers and the Charlie Nices of the world. When women say they want “nice guys” they want Dexter and Eric to give them some attention. Dexter’s too busy looking at the tattoos on a woman’s back and Eric is taking another vacation in Brazil.
See there’s another cat out there I haven’t talk about. There’s some outliers in the male population. One of them is Jimmy Cool. See Jimmy ain’t fine like Dexter. He ain’t bone ugly either. He alright. A woman will hold his hand walking down the street and introduce him to Big Mama. He doesn’t have Eric’s status and money. He keeps a steady job though. He can keep his rent and car note paid. He doesn’t run game like Larry. Jimmy got better things to do than chase women who don’t want him all day. Jimmy has never really seen the inside of the friend zone like Charlie. If a woman is his friend, she’s his friend. There’s no ulterior motive on Jimmy’s part. Once Jimmy sees a woman as a friend she becomes like a sister to him and he doesn’t have any sexual desire for her. At the same time even if a woman doesn’t see him as a romantic partner she never friend zones him because by Jimmy’s nature the potential is always there for more. So what’s Jimmy’s secret? He’s just a cool ass dude.
Let me be raw about it. Too many of you bamas out here are too pressed for pussy. Men are stressing the hell out of women. Seriously, nothing gets on a woman’s nerves more than a man who’s in her face and she doesn’t want him. Now most women will try to be polite about it and let the man know in different ways that she isn’t interested. Some men think they are doing something by being persistent anyway. Usually the Larry Gamer types. See Jimmy is Dexter’s cousin. He knows that when a woman chooses a man she will find a way to let him know. So Jimmy sits backs and do what he do. If she chooses he decides whether he wants to choose her back and they go from there.
That’s the thing about a woman’s choice, a man can try to influence it by hitting the gym, making some money, or running some game. Ultimately though it’s the woman choice though. A man can’t control the woman but he can control himself. A cool dude isn’t going to stress because a woman isn’t sexually interested in him. That's life. A cool dude knows that every woman isn’t going to want him. He just moves on. If the woman is good peoples he may allow a friendship to develop. If not, whatever. They go live their lives.
Being cool is not about wearing the latest fashions, and knowing the latest slang. Being cool is simply about at peace with a particular situation. Being cool is about being calm within yourself. A wise person knows not to take anything personally. In martial traditions, the warrior is taught how to stay calm in the midst of battle. By staying calm he can gain victory. It’s the same thing with men pursuing women. Too many men get upset when a woman rejects them and go through all sorts of emotional turmoil. The cool dude is like whatever.
Let me school you for a second about rejection. Rejection is a beautiful thing. A woman will tell a man where he stands as a man right away. The smart man learns from rejection. Personally I have grown more from women who have rejected me than women who have cooperated with me. When a woman rejects a man she is telling her truth. The man may not agree with it but it’s her truth. She is a mirror showing him who he is and what he needs to work on. I mentioned in a previous blog that a woman rejected me for sex because of my weight. Now what if she had sex with me anyway which women will sometimes do even if they are not attracted to the man? I wouldn’t have thought about losing the weight, I wouldn’t have attracted the very sexy women I would later get, I wouldn’t have my sons bothering me right now about getting on the computer while I’m typing this, and I wouldn’t have the impact I’ve had on people’s lives with my books. I accomplished a lot because I was cool with a rejection.
On another tip Women are simply attracted to cool men. The average woman has a lot of emotional turmoil. Very often they will gravitate towards that man who radiates a cool, calm energy. That man they can just “chill” with. Now say a man doesn’t have looks, money, or game. By cultivating that cool vibe he can draw women to him like a magnet. Say you have a woman, Vanessa Brickhouse. She has a beautiful face, and that thick/slim type of body where she is at that middle point between fat and slim. She can’t walk down the street in peace. She can’t even relax at a family gathering because Uncle Junior is always trying to feel her up. Vanessa don’t have too many female friends. Women don’t want the competition and some of her attached friends don’t want her around their boyfriends/husbands. She spends a lot of time by herself. So Vanessa’s in a grocery store wearing sweats and a baseball cap when she notices Jimmy Cool going through the kale greens. Jimmy glances her way and goes back to picking out greens for his Grandmother. He then leaves the section. Vanessa sees him in a couple of sections and he still ignores her.
Finally, she sees him in the ice cream section and she acts like she’s looking for the same thing. They strike up a conversation. Vanessa notes that Jimmy isn’t coming on strong to her, he’s calm and controlled. She does feel sexual heat from him because she sees his print. No heterosexual man is THAT damn cool. Vanessa even in sweats got a phat ass. Despite that Jimmy is very respectful by keeping his eyes on her face. They talk, they vibe, and they decide to meet at a coffee shop later. Later at the coffee shop they vibe so much that they decide to continue the conversation at her place. From the living room they make it to the bedroom.
Now what did Jimmy do? By being cool he allowed Vanessa to get comfortable in his presence. The average woman is defensive and unable to relax with men. That’s because the average man is trying so hard to get in a woman’s panties that she can’t let down her guard. In order to truly sexually arouse a woman a man has to let her be free in his presence. In this society we force women to wear masks to cover their sexual faces. The man has to be cool and calm to the point where a woman feels safe in taking off her mask. A man has to not only be cool within himself but cool with a woman’s sexual nature. Most men are judgmental. They want a woman who can fuck them like a porn star but then call her a slut when she actually does so. That’s not cool. Let me tell you something about me. I know what I know about women because I don’t judge them sexually. Women will tell me everything once they see how cool I am. There are a bunch of cats out here who call themselves “Red Pill” who think they know the real deal with women. They don’t. They see PARTS of the reality but not the big picture. The big picture would cause a lot of men to commit suicide. The shit is cold-blooded when you really see it. That’s all I say about that.
Anyway if you a man and you know you’re not 6’2” with pretty eyes and an eight pack. You don’t have that six figure job and loft condo in an exclusive neighborhood. You don’t have tactics and techniques which may give you a fighting chance. That’s okay. Learn to be cool with women. You might not ignite that instant spark but sometimes that slow building fire is just as good, even better.
Alright y’all be cool.
This blog was first published on April 5, 2015. The response was overwhelming. It was a call for change. I want to thank everyone who supported me in 2015. Let's rise and transform together in 2016.
For the most part my blogs are directed at a broad audience. I have readers from all over the world. They are men and women, all races and nationalities. So I write in very broad terms when I discuss relationship issues. This particular blog will be different in that it is directed at Black men. It is nothing against any other gender, race, or nationality. I need to speak on something that is particular to Black men.
My last blog, was entitled “Do Right Men Win in the End.” It spoke to a particular class of Nice Guys who are just really good individuals. Men who may not have movie star looks or six figure incomes. Men who are not into playing games in order to get into relationships. My contention was that these men win in the end in that they end up with positive relationships. The blog was shared on social media by some faithful readers. The response was very positive. Even the criticism was very constructive and gave me some things to consider. Many Black men saw themselves in the blog and contacted me privately to share their viewpoints and most importantly their stories.
I have heard you.
I understand your pain. In the media we always see images of Black men either behaving badly and in other demeaning ways. The only real exception are shows dealing with sports. Even on the internet a video of a Black man acting stupid is likely to go viral and get thousands of likes and comments. Yet stories of private schools sending 100% of their Black boys to college barely register on the radar. How often do we see that? We always see stories or status updates where women, our beautiful sistas, are constantly saying “Black men ain’t shit” or “Where are the good Black men?” Those are some of the nicer comments. Many Black men have said, “I’m right here and I’m doing something with my life.” Many Black men, many Do Right Black Men, are walking through life feeling invisible. So why are they feeling invisible? Let's get raw as to the reasons why.
Many of these brothas aren’t looking like Idris Elba or Boris Kudjoe or whoever the flavor of the day is. These brothas are not pushing late model luxury cars with six figure salaries. In the Black community the pretty boys and money men are the alpha males. It has nothing to do with character, integrity or responsibility. That’s why a man who has 34 children by several woman can get a reality show on a network owned by a Black woman. A man who was irresponsible can be economically empowered and a Do Right Man who believes in marriage before having children can’t get a fucking “Attaboy!” Worse that brotha may be called corny or lame for not having any children.
That whole being corny or lame is something else Do Right Men have to deal with. I knew a man who was educated, a professional, tall, muscular, and handsome. He was an overall good person. Yet his wife separated from him because she considered him “corny and lame.” I guess the gold tooth married man she fell in love with who cursed her out regularly was “cool.” Many Black men feel they have to have tattoos and a thug persona in order to attract Black women. Even though I have gone on record to say that Black women don’t all chase thugs it happens enough for the average man on the street to draw this conclusion. The bottom line is that the Do Right Man is not feeling the love. That’s where Brazil comes in.
There’s been a big deal made about Black men who travel to places like Brazil and the Dominican Republic on sex vacations. Something that is not being said is all the men going to these places are not always dealing with sex workers. There are many Black men who marry women from these other countries. Even though many American Black women may not see it this way the women in Brazil are still Black and quite frankly many practice cultural and spiritual traditions that go back to the African continent. I’ve talked with several men who have traveled to Brazil and the like. They are not going for sex. Let me say that again. These Black men are not traveling to Brazil for sex. They are traveling for validation. They are traveling to be acknowledged. They are traveling so that for at least a few days they are not invisible. Just like women need attention so do men. I’ve known men regardless of race who may frequent particular restaurants because they know the waitresses will at least smile and be nice to them. Many men suffer depression because women don’t see them.
There’s many things I could say. Thing is there are numerous blogs, websites, and social media pages that talk about these issues and more. Other than a few paragraphs in the context of this blog I really don’t care to add to the complaints. As a result of my life experience I see things from a different perspective. In my life on the surface I’m quite sure I seemed like the classic Do Right Man but I really wasn’t. No I didn’t have tattoos and I didn’t look like the popular image of a player. Indeed many women I dated said I had that “Clark Kent” thing going on as I used to wear big glasses. Behind closed doors I was tapping that ass. Many of the woman I dealt with had boyfriends. A couple were separated from their husbands. I was the villain in some stories. That’s why I roll my eyes when women complain about cheating. Women are way better at it. Ask me how I know.
The thing is if I see a problem I do something about it. There’s a problem in Black male/ female relationships. Every few years a major television network will do a special on the problems. It’s become a multi-million dollar industry. It will probably grow into a billion dollar industry. The “experts” are not going to solve anything even if they have legitimate answers. There’s too much money to be made. For example there are many Black male relationship commentators who make their money telling Black women what they want to hear. These men aren’t going to jeopardize their book deals and TV shows to be honest with Black women. Indeed the industry is about telling people what they want to hear. If there’s going to be a change it needs to come from the grassroots. This is where the Do Right Men come in.
Anyone who has followed my blog for a long time know that I study the social dynamics of different subcultures. The problem in Black male/female relationships is really a problem with the subcultural matrix. Black America as a whole exists as a subculture within the larger White American mainstream culture. There are many dynamics that occur in Black relationships that do not exist in the mainstream culture. A great example of this is that a Black person’s skin complexion and grade of hair affects their placement within the sexual hierarchy. I talk a lot about men in the Mr. Goodbar category. Most Black Mr. Goodbars are lighter in skin complexion with a grade of hair which suggests a mixed ancestry. Colorism and hair politics play a role in Black relationships. There are other examples as well. The bottom line is that it all comes down to culture. To me the obvious thing to do is to fix the culture, particularly the relationship culture.
In mainstream relationships in general and in the Black community in particular women place men into two categories for dating and relationships, Select and Non-Select. I’ve said this several times in my blogs. In a nutshell the Select men get the panties and the Non-Select don’t. The Do Right Men spend most of their time in the Non-Select category unless they build their finances and move into the Select. The Do Right Men however are close to that borderline between Select and Non-Select. They tend to get attention as women get older and get tired of being dogged by Select men. Women get tired of dealing with mostly irresponsible pretty boys who have no intentions of committing. Many women just use pretty boys for sex anyway. Women then move on to the Money Men. Women find out the hard way that Money Men are very hard on women. A Pretty Boy may deal with a plain looking woman who is slightly overweight, especially if he needs a place to stay and she is extremely receptive. The Money Man, however, only wants to deal with a Black Barbie. Most Black women, indeed most women period, don’t look like Barbie. Most Black women will not be able to be in a committed relationship with a Select Brotha. Yet many want a committed relationship. Do Right Men all of sudden start looking real good.
The first thing the Do Right Men have to realize is that the whole select/non-select thing is fluid. A woman’s select group at 20 will change by the time she is 30 and change even more by the time she is 40. Many men who are non-select at 20 start looking real good at forty. If one thinks about it most male sex symbols in the entertainment industry are in their forties, fifties and even sixties. Women tend to become unattractive as they age while men become more attractive. So the first thing is that men have to have the mindset that no matter where they are currently at, the odds are ever in their favor to improve their station.
So knowing that things will get better the Do Right Men have to accept that they have the power. A foundation of my books and blogs is that women choose the men. That doesn’t mean men have to accept the choice. A woman choosing a man doesn’t mean he has to choose her back. He has the power. Black women use many shaming tactics to get men to accept them regardless of physical appearance, prior children, and emotional baggage. Whatever. Stand your ground Do Right Men. If a woman has to use a shaming tactic to get you to like her she ain’t worth shit. A woman who is about something doesn’t have to shame men into wanting her. A man will want her, weight issues and kids. The women with the shaming tactics, let them burn.
The Do Right Man is the key to this whole system. For a very long time I thought Mr. Goodbar was the key to changing this culture but experience and insight has caused me to change that viewpoint. Mr. Goodbar is getting too much easy pussy to change anything. That’s like asking a Lion to ignore a herd of antelopes. The Do Right Man is the key because he’s the one who maintains some type of order. A pretty boy may physically satisfy a woman for 20 minutes. The Money Man may be able to take the woman on weekend getaway. When it gets down the business of life and long term quality of living, that’s the Do Right Man’s domain. The Do Right Man has to understand that he is the fallback and reject that position. Women want to have their fun and then get a Do Right Man. Screw that. Don’t accept being the clean-up man.
One thing many Do Right Men can do is start validating the Do Right Women. In the Black community for all the talk of Black women being overweight and baby mamas, there are many women who go against these stereotypes. There many single Black women who are at least decent looking, in good shape and don’t have children. Some might have children and still have a lot going on. All women don’t have children with trifling men. Couples break up, that’s life. Many Black women don’t want a pretty boy and are not impressed by a man’s money. I’ve met many single sistas who want to build with a positive Black man. Start validating the positive sisters and stop paying so much attention to the thots and ratchets. So many Black men have blogs, websites, and social media pages where thots and ratchets are put on blast. Too much time is given to women who quite frankly like the attention. There are many women out there who are attractive and positive. I know because that’s what I focus on. I could probably get at least 100 such women in a room with little effort. The Do Right Man has to focus on these women.
It’s time for a change. It’s time for the Do Right Men to come together to change this relationship culture. To the Do Right Man reading these words. Stand with me. Let’s change this thing. I want a world where my sons can be free to be their authentic selves without having to conform to a woman’s twisted version of masculinity. I can’t do it by myself. Stand with me. I know the way. Hit me up here and let’s rise and transform together.
The following blog was originally published on October 26, 2014.
I write a lot of things regarding male/female relationships that either doesn’t make sense to people or seems like I don’t know what I’m talking about. There’s a reason for that. The reason is one of perspective. Most people can only relate to things that match their own worldview. Indeed most people will only seek out information that validates their perspectives. If something doesn’t validate their perspective they tend to reject the information. That’s the reason why despite all of the books, seminars, coaches, and bloggers out there it seems like relationships are getting worse and not better. Most commentators, including professionals, have only seen a part of the picture and not the whole thing. There were some incidents many years ago that illustrate my point.
When I first published my books I did a lot of seminars. I remember two in particular that stand out because of the contrasts between the participants. The first seminar was with a group of Black professionals. The organizers of the seminar had read my book, Nice Guys and Players, and had pulled my character types out for role play among the participants. They were scary spot on acting out the characters of the Nice Guy, Gamesman, and Masked Man. When they got to Mr. Goodbar the characterization was off. By miles. An interesting thing happened. When the discussion was focused on the first three types the conversation was lively even heated. When I talked about Mr. Goodbar the place was quiet. You could literally hear a pin drop. The concept of a man who had women walk up and drop their panties was alien to most of the people in the room. Well, except for the Goodbar in the corner working his magic on a Buppie with the phat ass booty. He looked at me, gave me a head nod, and went back to work. Like most things I’ve encountered in life I placed the moment in a mental file cabinet to pull out and think about later.
The second incident came a few years later. I was doing a seminar with some true to the game thugs. These were men convicted of minor crimes and were only sitting down with me because a Judge didn’t leave them any choice in the matter. An interesting thing happened. Usually when I discussed my books and ideas with groups the information would be received with disbelief and at times ridiculed because it went against the belief systems of seminar participants. At times I thought maybe I was the one who was off. Then I come across a group of real thugs. An interesting thing happened. After a little bit of an introduction to my books these men opened up about their experiences and told me the contents of my books. Not only did they know about Mr. Goodbar they were Mr. Goodbar. These men were telling me some things that quite frankly a person would be hard-pressed to find a mention of in any form of media.
See here’s the thing. In a previous blog I talked about men and women having two faces, a social face and a sexual face. The social face is the one everyone sees. That’s the face with the business suit, going to the kids’ soccer games, and being good neighbor by keeping the grass cut. Most relationship advice, most discussions about Alpha and Beta Males, most conversations about what women want focus on the social faces. The sexual faces are something completely different. Socially, a person has a professional job, is a good parent, and neighbor. They even go to church regularly. Sexually that person is a swinger who routinely has sex with strangers. The sexual face is how a person behaves in sexual manner. A major problem in relationship discussions is that the focus is on social faces. The whole Alpha Male thing for example is based on a social face. The Alpha Male is supposedly the take charge, center of attention man who gets all the hot women. This of course is based on the assessment of what such a man is doing socially. The man holding court in a bar is only dominating socially. There may be a few women feeling his vibe but trust me they may never go home with him. Many socially dominant men are weak behind closed doors. So why do I say this?
I’m one of those people who has encountered a WHOLE lot of people in life. I personally have been acquainted with many alternative sex workers. We’re talking about Dominatrixes and Tantric Massage workers. I’ve also known phone sex workers, sugar babies, true gold diggers, escorts, and strippers. These women have told me a lot about their clients. We’re not talking losers living in their mom’s basements playing video games all day. The women I talked to told me about encounters with men who were SOCIALLY Alpha Males. Straight up, a dude living in his mom’s basement couldn’t afford most of these women. It’s funny as hell to me that a whole subculture of men focuses on being the Alpha Males they see socially without knowing anything about the sexual faces of these men. Let me share some things about myself to give the reader an idea about why I say the things I say.
In my early twenties I was where many men pay thousands of dollars to get. This was back in the late eighties and early nineties. I was at the top of that thing called game. I had zero anxiety approaching women. To use the street language of the time, I had a “smooth rap.” On top of that my fashion and grooming game was A-1. I also had the status of being of Black man with a degree who was pursuing a post graduate degree. The only real weakness in my game was my weight. Though I’m a natural mesomorph, if I don’t work out consistently I would gain weight. The good thing about me gaining weight is that my body tends to gain evenly and not just in one area such as my stomach. Even though I had extra weight on I carried it very well. At most my weight gave me an average physical appearance which I was able to compensate for by having a smooth rap and wicked fashion game, especially with my shoes.
With my game at the time I was able to date and have sex with some very attractive and shapely women. Now I had still had to put in some work to woo the women. Nobody was sleeping with me on the first date, maybe fourth or fifth date. Of course there were some rejections. Also I did hear the words, “Let’s just be friends.” There were plenty of women in what I call the “Not Sure Zone.” Women in that zone will have a little sexual attraction for a man but not enough to simply drop her panties. A man has to work for a woman in that zone. Sometimes he succeeds, sometimes he don’t. Where I was at the time I thought I was at the top of the game. I was getting a LOT of play from attractive women primarily in the six to eight range. Even a few Nines and Tens showed some interest. Then around 1991 I entered the Sexual Shadow World and had my mind blown.
I had started running in the spring of 1990 because a Nine didn’t want to have sex with me because of my weight. I was weighing about 230 and quite frankly getting a little sloppy. During that summer my weight came down to about 215 and to be honest I didn’t think anything of it. I was getting pretty much the same play I was getting before from women in the six to eight range. Then some interesting things happened to take everything to a different level.
The first was that I was in the application process for a certain prominent federal law enforcement agency. I had passed the panel interviews and now had to prepare to pass a physical fitness test. I was required to do a certain number of pushups, sit-ups, and to be able to run 2 miles under 16 minutes. So instead of jogging I had to start running. I had to train more intensely. So starting in the winter of 1990 until the summer of 1991 I dropped even more weight. I went down to 190 pounds of lean muscle mass. I passed the test with flying colors. I was walking around at my optimal physique as the sit-ups had developed my abs and the pushups had developed my arms and chest. Women started going crazy over my body to the point where I would ROUTINELY get approached on the street. Even had some young girls yell out their car windows while I was walking on the street. So I had a body that was attracting women to me. That was one part of the equation. The second part came from some unique individuals.
In the summer of 1991 I encountered some sex workers. For legal reasons I can’t get into the particulars but during that summer I learned a lot about the inner sexual nature of women. It was some things not discussed in public and still isn’t. On the internet now there are some men who called themselves “Red Pill” because they think they know the sexual nature of women. They don’t and they’re deluded. They’ve barely scratched the surface. They don’t live in the Sexual Shadow World. Even some men who get a lot of sex don’t live in the Sexual Shadow World. But I digress.
These sex workers gave me a real education. I already knew a lot from women I had been around as a child but these women took me to a new level. There were also one older man who gave me some insight. One of the reasons I don’t hold what is taught as game on the internet in high regard is because of that man. I’ll call the man James. James was an older Jamaican who had a scary insight into how people behaved psychologically. He could look at someone and tell you what’s going on with them. He would mess with people’s heads just to pass the time. He was especially adept at fucking or as he said “getting some punanny.” He was talking about setting up a 900 line which was popular back then to tell men how to bring a woman to orgasm. He was actually the first man I had met who was talking about satisfying women sexually. Most men fail because they don’t look like they can or even care about getting a woman to orgasm.
The combination of the sex workers and James took me into the Sexual Shadow World. In that world Mr. Goodbar is the Alpha Male. Yet in the social world the same man may be a minimum wage worker or shy in a crowd. In the Sexual Shadow World the men at the top of the pyramid are not the tall good looking men with status or game. Physical appearance is important, indeed of supreme importance but not in the classic way that is important in the social world. First of all a man’s face doesn’t matter as much. In the Sexual Shadow World a good looking face is a bonus but not a necessity. If one takes an honest look at the SEXUALLY attractive people they are rarely very physically attractive in the face. There are exceptions but in general SEXUALLY attractive people have average faces. Don’t believe me? Take a real good look at the men and women who turn on people sexually. All they have in common are great bodies. Many are buttafaces. A good looking face is more important for in the social world. When it comes down to sex, a man just needs a hot body, a decent size dick, and some fair sexual skills.
In this case physical appearance is more about the body, the print, and how the man moves which gives the woman a clue about how he would be in bed. See most of what’s in the media is focused on what women want socially. The key to a woman is what type of man she lusts for. A woman may publically say she wants a man who’s tall, with a good looking face, with status and a decent body. Many women when presented with what they say they want may still reject the man. The reason is that they don’t lust the man. Indeed when many women say they love a man they are really saying they lust him. Socially a woman may want that classic good looking man who seems dominant. Sexually she wants that rough looking man with hard body and big dick who would pound her pussy like it stole something.
A key component to the Nice Guys and Players Philosophy is to be a man who can satisfy a woman’s social needs AND her sexual needs. Despite the talk about there being a shortage of men many women who are even reasonably attractive have two men in their lives. The first man is the socially acceptable boyfriend or husband. The first man takes her out, spends money on her, and provides emotional support. He is acceptable to her friends and family. In many cases he is considered an Alpha Male. The second man is one nobody knows about. His only purpose is to satisfy her lust. He might not be classically handsome, he may be broke, and truth be told not even have what is commonly considered game. He can fuck though. Well.
Now I’m not talking about theory here. During the period I lived in the Sexual Shadow World I would say the OVERWELMING majority of women I dealt with had boyfriends. As far as I know I didn’t mess with any women with husbands. I say as far as I know because women lie more than men. I did know some men who didn’t have a problem with fucking another man’s wife. I seriously consider women hypocrites when they talk about cheating men. When women are in lust they don’t give a fuck. A woman will fuck her best friend and sister’s husbands in a threesome if she lusts them. They will find a rationalization to satisfy their lust. It wasn’t certain trashy women either cheating either. It was something that crossed class lines and even subcultures. I’ve dealt with church girls, nerd girls, and princesses who cheated on their men. Those goody-goody girls can be the worse. The Sexual Shadow World is where that perfect Ten will do the freaky-freaky while tied up.
Here’s the thing. Many men reject what I tell them because it goes against CONVENTIONAL wisdom. There are men out there who think if they just get some plastic surgery all of a sudden they’ll get hot woman. There are men who think if they behave in a dominant manner the women will drop their panties. There are men learning game in their attempts to get hot women or any women. The only thing a man needs to do is develop himself to the point where a woman will LOOK at him and say to herself, “he can get it.” At the point the man needs to be present enough to pick up on her SEXUAL desire. He then needs to be smart enough not to say something stupid and give what one beautiful woman once said, “Instant dryness.”
The only game is lust. If a man wants more and better women he needs to develop his overall physical appearance so that it generates lust. The man also has KNOW that women want sex as much as men. Indeed the truth is the more sexually attractive a woman is the more they will choose a man based on pure lust.
I just gave y’all some raw game. I wonder who will pick up on it. Hit up me here.
The following was originally published on November 20, 2013. It was an excerpt from an unpublished manuscript I have called "Being Mr. Goodbar." One thing I've observed in relationship discussions is that people want to talk about everything except sex. The issue is that sex and the quality of that sex is a major reason why a relationship succeeds or fails. There are always other issues of course but if people were to be honest they would say that sex played a major role. Check out the excerpt and let me know what you think.
Why do women cheat on hardworking and devoted men? Why do men and women defy custom and mores to couple with someone whose skin color contrasts sharply with theirs? Why do my Brethren and I get the attention we do?
It’s all about sex baby.
Women are not casting sideways glances at men of handsome faces and buffed bodies while walking with their devoted mates because they think these pretty men are dependable workers who will faithfully keep a roof over their heads. They are not thinking this sexy man will support their dreams and aspirations. These women have their husbands for that. No they want something more primal as they lustfully eye the men with confident strides and sexy smiles.
We really don’t talk about sexuality in relationships. The psychologists, sociologists, therapists, and talk show hosts will talk around sexuality, as if it is incidental to the maintenance of a relationship. They will say that the couple just needs more communication, more time to talk about their goals together, and a respect for each other. What somebody needs to ask is if the couple has a fulfilling sex life.
Even the so-called experts who do discuss sexually do so in a clinical way or one tainted by religious bias. I recall one such book by someone of national renown. This person listed what a woman needed to be satisfied by a man. Listening and washing the dishes were among the items listed as well as being treated nice. I laughed out loud while browsing this book in the store. The listed items were the specialties of the Nice Guy. If this was what was needed for satisfaction the sexual hierarchy would be flipped on its head as the Nice Guy with his intellectual and sensitive veneer would be the object of desire for the masses of female humanity and Mr. Goodbar would be the one at home sexually frustrated while watching the latest straight-to-video DVD.
As a society we are not publicly comfortable with a woman’s sexual needs. The causes of this discomfort stem from socio-religious-political indoctrination formulated in many cases by men in power who were uncomfortable with their own sexuality. That’s why we see so many boyish looking fashion models and not the voluptuous paradigm of a generation ago.
In the surface world we put women on the pedestal of chaste perfection while we vilify the woman who is comfortable with her sexual desires and is blatant in their assertion.
Damn, no wonder things are so crazy. On one hand we tell the women to be chaste and pure and on the other hand we use the power of a woman’s sexuality to sell everything from toothpaste to outdoor grills. It’s in this contradiction, this duality, which the shadow world exists.
Women are not the only ones affected as many men buy into the illusions and suppress their sexuality to the point that once they get into a relationship they cannot satisfy their women. After being left high and dry for the umpteenth time, these women become susceptible to the lure of Mr. Goodbar. A major reason Mr. Goodbar gets the women, to put it into the vernacular of those of less poetic sentimentality: he knows how to hit it.
The sexual needs of the average woman are not met. Their greatest complaint being that they don’t feel the rush of orgasmic pleasure. Their men don’t make them feel good. Many women seek a substitute for that elusive pleasure. Some get high from shopping for items they have little or no use for. Many others flock to church to get the spirit, as it becomes an abstract substitute for the pleasure they lack in their mundane world.
Others are of a more pragmatic disposition as they flock to dark clubs to be entertained by the gyrations of muscular men inducing erotic trances with their sexually provocative and rhythmic movements. Others are more discreet, settling for an occasional rendezvous with the smooth skinned man in the office two doors down as he kisses her neck and rubs her round posterior. Sometimes that’s all she needs as she straightens her skirt, and sits back at her desk and calls her husband to ask what does he want for dinner.
Is a rush of pleasure too much for a woman to ask for? Is carnal fulfillment something reserved for men? Women need to get theirs too. There needs to be a greater discussion about sexuality and not pretend it’s not significant. Until this is done the problems stemming from bad relationships will continue to rise and Mr. Goodbar will continue to have his way.
The following are excerpts from my upcoming book, "A Player's Eyes - One Man's View of Sexual Relationships." The book will be available for purchase in November.
For many I’m the villain of the story. Jealous men and jilted women have thrown shade my way over the years. The men mad that the women they sweated, wined, dined, and chased for years showed me love when all I did was say hi and maybe held the door for them. Jilted women mad at me because despite their seductive best I wasn’t feeling their flavor. Hey a brotha got standards. Whatever. I never worried about these folks though. As long as they didn’t have a gun in their hands (and I’ve had guns in my face) I wasn’t worried. It’s all part of the game of life. I’ve lost women I’ve wanted to other men and I’ve been rejected. It is what it is.
In the popular culture and indeed in conventional beliefs there is the notion that looks don’t matter to women as much as they do with men. Even when women do say that looks matter they will put it low on the list of priorities of what they want in a man. I’m throwing a flag on that. Fifteen yard penalty for unsportsmanlike bullshit. The reality is that not only do looks matter but they matter more to women than they do to men. This is especially true in sexual matters. When women look for long term partners such as boyfriends and husbands they will look at personality compatibility, social class, money, religious affiliation, political views, education level, and even something as trivial as music tastes. The trick though is that they look for these things in men they find PHYSICALLY attractive. When women say that there is a shortage of “good men” what they really mean is that there is a shortage of “good LOOKING men.”
The dating scene is different for a Goodbar. He doesn’t have to approach several women on the street hoping that one will not only stop and talk but also give him the correct number and return the text within an hour. Usually women are either making it extremely easy for Goodbar to approach them or they simply take the initiative and find an excuse to approach Goodbar.
Game as it is generally shared in the public sphere doesn’t work on women. Men think it works on women but on the for real for real, women just let men think it works. When a man approaches a woman, she has already decided what she’s going to do with him. If she wants to have sex with him she has already decided to do so. Now if he wants to throw some corny lines at her, make a production of getting her phone number, take her on an expensive date, and let him think he convinced her to take her panties down, far be it for her to spoil his illusion. She’ll let him think he has control when in reality she’s been in total control the whole time.
The reason women get played is not because they lack common sense, love thugs, or have a sign on their foreheads that says, “Victim.” The reason women get played is because of their egos.
The Sexual Shadow World (Shadow World) is not a place. It is a shadow. A shadow out of the corner of one’s eyes. It is the realm where a few men and a whole lot of women express their sexuality free from society’s constraints. It is where the stay at home soccer mom who makes the nice cupcakes for the neighborhood families has had an ongoing relationship with her young hot neighbor for years. It is where the high functioning autistic but good looking man who works in a library supplements his income by indulging in the fantasies of lonely but affluent women. It’s a world that occasionally leaks out into the mainstream but remains quite hidden. Someone introduced to this world would have their minds blown.
I’ve read several blogs, studies, and watched several videos of those who promote the concept that looks matter. Of course I agree as improving one’s body has been the foundation of my books. That being said there’s another level. If you look at the information in the public sphere it gives the impression that ALL one needs to do is look good. Many people feel like if they get some type plastic surgery then their relationship issues will disappear. They may get a little bit more attention but if other things are not in place that person will not be considered “sexy.”
Many women are very insecure. They can strut around like Amazons ready to conquer the world and whatnot. They can make a business deal in the morning and then go home to their big expensive houses and whip a fabulous dinner for themselves to eat while they watch their big screen TVs. Yeah many women are dripping strength and confidence until they meet that drop dead gorgeous man who’s tall and buffed. That same woman who just addressed executives at a board meeting has trouble saying hello to the man as he walks by. If she does speak she’ll stutter and once he walks by she’ll rush home to change her panties because she peed on herself. It’s not that women don’t want Pretty Boys. It’s just that the butterflies are doing the tango in their stomachs. Just like men get anxiety around beautiful women, women get it worse around beautiful men.
There is the thought that women want Alpha Males. It’s something that I’ve promoted myself on occasion. The Alpha Male is supposedly that tall, handsome man with a take charge dominant personality. He kicks ass in all areas of society. He’s the CEO of the billion dollar corporation, the football quarterback, he’s the charismatic leader of the drug cartel. He is… THE MAN. The wisdom is that these men get the best women. Indeed it is thought these men will have harems of beautiful women who are at their beck and call. Most dating and seduction advice geared towards men provide techniques for a man to either become an Alpha Male or to imitate alpha characteristics. To be bad it’s all bullshit.
One of the main problems is that there are not enough Dimes to go around. A man may not want to deal with the woman built like a water buffalo but he may live in a town with a whole herd of them. The only time a man may consistently see Dimes is when he lives near a big college town or if he hangs around the most popular club in a big city. Even then many of the Dimes are just Nickels who shined themselves up real good. It’s interesting that there is so much talk about a shortage of good men yet it would be easy for men to say that there is a shortage of good women. Unlike women, men would be honest enough to say that we mean beautiful and sexy.
I have real problems with the “game” that is taught on the Internet in blogs, forums and in expensive seminars held in big hotel rooms. My problem is that the shit don’t work for the majority of men who make efforts to learn this “game.” I based that comment on not only several statements made by disgruntled men on the Internet who feel like they have been scammed but from dealing with men who have called themselves “Pick Up Artists” (PUAs). I’ve coached men who have gone through these seminars and classes. Usually I have to deprogram them before I can teach them anything useful. The problem is what the men are being taught is wack to begin with.
Many men have been attracted to a woman who will look them in the eye and say; “You have so many great qualities but I only see you as a friend.” They will also say, “You’re going to make some woman very lucky one day.” Most men just grin and bear it until they see the object of their desire walking around with another man. Not just any man either. The Good Guy has a degree, a career, his own home, and a late model car. The woman who friend zoned him is walking around with an underemployed high school dropout who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t even have a driver’s license.
It’s interesting to listen to Non-Select men complain about the choices women make. They can’t for the life of them see the appeal of a Player or Bad Boy. They think the women are the ones with issues and they should go for the Good Guys. Even the women feel this way. Many women will wonder why they can’t seem to fall in love with a gainfully employed, church going, and respectful man. Instead the women are going crazy over a man who barely texts them, who may put them down, and will have multiple other women. Even when women kick a Player to the curb they usually end up swooning for another Player. What’s the issue? From "A Player’s Eyes" the answer is simple. A woman will put up with a Player, Bad Boy, or Dog for one reason and one reason alone: That drug called PLEASURE.
People don’t realize how deep it for a man to sleep with a great number of women in his lifetime. That’s why a lot of men go crazy if they get dumped by their girlfriends or divorced from their wives. Once a man finds that one woman who will fuck him on the regular he wants to hold on tight. Many men will lock down their women for that reason. Even when a man cheats he just has one other mistress. The average man will have about thirty women in his life who will feel a natural attraction to him. Thing is he’s not going to have sex with all thirty if he even meets them. Most people will not meet all the persons most naturally attracted to them. The man may be lucky to meet his thirty but fifteen of them will be in relationships. He will not be naturally attracted to ten of them. The timing will be off with at least two of the women. So he may hook up with three women.
The biggest single problem in male/female relationships is that most people are not realistic in searching for a mate. You have plain looking, average shaped women with boring personalities thinking they can get a top tier male. These women will not only reject men who are more in their league as far as looks and personality but they will do so with an attitude. Even when they manage to hook up with a Select Man in most cases they are not really compatible. Bomb sex doesn’t mean that two people need to be together outside the bedroom. Dude could just have that good dick which he shares with five other women. Yet Plain Jane thinks its love when she is really just a cool booty call. Then when Plain Jane realizes that Mr. Goodbar doesn’t love her all men become dogs until she starts to swoon in the arms of another sexy dude.
The reality is that only a small percentage of men have experienced what I have with dealing with women. The majority struggle in their relationships. That’s even when they can get one. Many men don’t believe anything they haven’t personally experienced. I’ve told men that I’ve always been approached by Dimes and they think I’m lying. The reason is they and their associates have never been approached by a beautiful woman. I mentioned to a couple of men that several women have showed up to my living space in the past without wearing underwear. No way have they said, because it hasn’t happened to them. I tell them I have to think hard about how many women I’ve had some sexual contact with in my life. They think I’m automatically think I’m bullshitting because they remember the three women they have been with.
Wow. It’s been fifteen years since the publication of my book, Nice Guys and Players – Becoming The Man Women Want. What a ride it’s been since I picked up 1000 copies from the printer on September 22, 2000. The next day I sold the first seven copies of the book at a singles party held at a private home. One of the things I remember about that party was a man, who came across as a Nice Guy, telling me in an almost condescending manner that the book would never sell. I just nodded my head like I do when people say crazy things in my presence and kept on selling. Fifteen years and 20,000 copies in print later I’m still nodding my head.
It was an interesting journey to the publication of Nice Guys and Players. Even though the book was published in September 2000, the journey began in January 1996. I was working on a corporate job, but I also had a publishing company on the side with a small novella and a short story in pamphlet form as my only publications. I had a vending opportunity that was coming up and I wanted to have something else to sell. I came up with a twelve-page pamphlet called Finding a Good Man. It was simply my thoughts on what a Black woman needed to do to find a good man. I saw the pamphlet as simply something extra to sell for only a dollar. I didn’t expect that big a response.
Finding a Good Man sold like hotcakes. That little pamphlet that I printed myself with a laser printer in my Grandmother’s living room took me a long way. A Washington, DC public access TV producer got a copy and invited me on his show, Love and Happiness, to interview me about the pamphlet. I ended up doing several shows and at one time had an opportunity to become the host of the show. That’s another story for another day.
Now as I was promoting Finding a Good Man, something interesting started to happen. Men would walk up to me and tell me they needed something to help them to find a good woman. At first, I didn’t take the men seriously but when a few dozen start saying the same thing I paid attention. At that time, I didn’t have an idea that some men had major problems getting women. I knew some men were definitely better at it than others but I had trouble grasping the concept that any man had really serious issues dealing with women. The reason was that my peer group at the time was composed of primarily players and men in long term relationships. It was at that time I started to dig deep and started talking to men outside of my peer group. As I dug deeper I discovered that many men I knew in the past weren’t the players I thought they were. Out of these efforts came a pamphlet called Nice Guys Guide: Attracting and Meeting Beautiful Women.
Nice Guys Guide didn’t have the success of Finding a Good Man. One reason was that I didn’t push it as hard. Despite the research I didn’t think men needed such a pamphlet. When it did sell I noticed something very interesting. The men who did buy Nice Guys Guide were always the ones who looked like they didn’t need the information. In fact, one associate at the time, who I thought to be a player, bought it, “to support a brotha”, and would then continually ask questions. A couple of other men would do the same thing. I started thinking, maybe I needed to take this more seriously.
I decided at that point to write a more substantial book. In the fall of 1999 I published 300 copies of Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Black Women Want. I limited the first printing because I wanted to test the waters to get a reaction. The first copies were purchased by older Black women who confirmed everything I had written. The first men who purchased the book were true players. These players also confirmed everything I had written. So I decided to upgrade the cover, which quite frankly was cheap looking, and go for a more substantial print run.
In the summer of 2000 as I was preparing Nice Guys and Players for publication I had an experience that would change the direction of the book. I was at a pool party at a good friend’s house. It was a multi-racial grouping of people. I got into a conversation about male/female relationships with several white and Asian women. This was a four hour conversation. Up to that point the focus of my writings had been on Black relationships. Then, as now, there was more of a focus in the public media about the problems in Black male/female relationships. Here I had a group of young, white, and Asian women, basically saying word for word what young and old Black women were saying. After that conversation I went home and did a heavy edit on the text of Nice Guys and Players. I deleted most of the specific references to Black relationships. Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Black Women Want became Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Women Want.
So now the book had been published and it sold relatively slow at first. I sold a few hundred copies between September 2000 and February 2001. I was thinking “okay that didn’t go over well.” I was just going to sell out the run and move on to other projects. Then in late February 2001 there was a surge in Internet book sales. Surfing the net I found both good and bad reviews of my book. Apparently people became very interested in what I had to say. The rest as they say is history.
The premise of Nice Guys and Players is very simple. Women have dual sexual needs. One is the need for sexual gratification. They need a man who can arouse and satisfy them physically. The other need is social gratification. This includes emotional and social compatibility. Players can provide the sexual gratification but may lack in the social area. Nice Guys can provide emotional and social compatibility but fail to arouse women sexually. As a result of this dynamic many women will have two men in their lives: one to provide social compatibility and the other to provide sexual gratification. In the introduction of Nice Guys and Players I use the following example:
Larry and Christa have been dating for three months. Larry is nice and respectful to Christa. He helps her shop for food and makes sure that her car is always clean and filled with gas. He always takes her to the restaurant of her choice. Larry calls when he says that he will. He never gets mad if Christa says she is going to hang out with the girls. Larry even gives her money to spend. Larry has a good job, clean apartment in a good neighborhood, and a dependable car. He dresses cleanly and appropriately despite being somewhat pudgy. He volunteers to mentor young fatherless boys and is viewed as a role model by many people. Christa’s parents think Larry would make a great son-in-law. What’s missing from Larry and Christa’s relationship is they have yet to be intimate. Christa told Larry she wanted to wait until they were married before having sex. Larry, although turned on by Christa, understands and doesn’t pressure her. After one date, Larry kisses Christa and goes home thinking he has found a great woman. He dreams about the day they will be married. He fantasizes about how he will make love to her slowly and romantically.
Once Larry is gone, Christa pages Patrick. Patrick answers the page. Than Christa invites him to come over to her apartment despite the fact it’s after midnight. When Patrick arrives he is wearing an oversized shirt, baggy jeans, and boots. He looks like a model right out of a hip-hop magazine. Christa had on a red teddy. As soon as Patrick gets in the door he starts taking off his clothes. Christa gets hot over the sight of Patrick’s hardbody. Patrick wastes no time in having sex with Christa. He takes off her teddy, starts having sex with her right on the couch. The sex is hot and intense. Christa feels like she is in heaven. After the sex Patrick gets up, puts on his clothes and leaves. No foreplay, no afterplay, barely a kiss. Christa doesn’t mind because she always screams out in orgasm with Patrick.
Nice Guys and Players Pages 12-13
The man women will be most attracted to is the man who can satisfy both a woman’s social needs AND her carnal needs. The man will be a balance of a Nice Guy and a Player. The man will be the type that can stay employed, be respectful, and most importantly be socially acceptable to a woman’s peers and community. Behind closed doors this man will tap that ass like a pro and have the woman floating from multiple orgasms. Women express this desire for a balanced man when they make statements such as: “I want a corporate thug.” “I want Tupac with a degree.” “I want a nice guy who’s a little rough around the edges.” It’s really no different from a man who says he wants a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom.
Nice Guys and Players was not just about a Nice Guy becoming more attractive to women but a Player becoming more attractive to the woman he wants to settle with. Many women will have sex with a Player but will not want to be seen in public with him. This presents a problem if the man develops feelings for a woman. Players are still human. There is an interesting dynamic with Players. Typically a Player can get all the women except the one he actually wants. In fact, many men become Players when a woman they loved rejected them. Another dynamic is that many Players are simply tired of their lifestyle. I’ve lost count of how many Players have talked to me privately about changing their behavior. They embraced the book more so than the Nice Guys because they understood the need for balance.
Now this book that started off as a pamphlet many years ago is now available on Amazon Kindle. It will be interesting to see what the next fifteen years will bring.